Conversations About Marriage

We Continue To Love

2011-06-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

A relationship that looks tattered and torn

A relationship that looks ruffled and worn

Is no longer new, but continues to shine

A relationship that endures the testing of time…

We continue to love…

In good times, bad times, sickness and health

‘Til death do us part, in poverty and wealth

Through the pain, the joy, the laughter, the fuss,

Nothing in life can separate us…

We continue to love…

All of the yesterdays that we have shared

The loving, the comfort, the depth of the care

Love has grown deep, much deeper with time

I am still yours and you are still mine…

We continue to love…

Marriage Part Two

2008-12-19T01:56:00.000-08:00

And TheTwo Shall Become One Flesh...

2008-12-19T01:44:00.000-08:00

Marriage

2008-12-19T01:31:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Conversations About Marriage

2008-12-19T01:21:00.000-08:00

The Sun Rises On "35"

2008-09-04T20:34:00.001-07:00

August 6, 2008. Still a month away from our September 5, 2008 anniversary. Here we were in Alaska... probably as close to the top of the world as we will ever be. It was a chilly morning as I stepped out on to the balcony to get a better look at one of the most curious sights I had ever seen. There was a white fog that almost seemed to glow rising from the water. Across the bay, there were these snow capped mountains that seemed to be rising up out of the fog. I’m thinking, “This is truly a beautiful sight.” Then I happened to look to my right and what I saw took my breath away. In my almost 65 years, never had I seen a more spectacularly beautiful sunrise. The fact that it caught me by surprise made it even more beautiful. Unexpected beauty is a rare privilege in life. You have to take advantage of it and appreciate the moment. I didn’t expect to see the white, glowing fog rising from the water. I did not expect to see the snow capped mountains rising from the fog. And I definitely did not expect to see the sun just above the horizon with its yellow and orange rays filtering through the fog, reflecting in the water. The dazzling light made the clouds above appear to be spiraling flames against the backdrop of the bright blue sky. Unexpected beauty. I called Barbara so that I could share the view with her. As I watched her watch the sunrise, again I was transfixed on unexpected beauty. In the midst of beauty, her beauty stood out in a special way. I watched her, and again, the beauty took my breath away.

Unexpected love, like unexpected beauty, has to be taken advantage of and appreciated. Thirty nine years ago, I did not expect to meet the love of my life in my living room. I did not expect that we would marry three years later. I did not expect that we would wade through the waters of troubles, find our way through the fog of uncertainty, and scale the mountain of challenge to discover an unexpected depth of love that continues to amaze me. So, in that moment of unexpected beauty, I seized the opportunity to appreciate the beauty of the sunrise and the special beauty of my wife in the midst of the sunrise. As the spectacular light of the sun was rising on our thirty-fifth year of marriage, I again realized how blessed we are to share a love so unexpected. Neither of us knew that it was possible to love this deeply…for love to endure and indeed to continue to grow. In a world where so many are afraid to love, afraid to commit, afraid to share a life, our love is indeed rare. The sad thing is it doesn’t have to be rare. It is there for anyone who wants it.

That sunrise was there for all to appreciate it. Not everyone did! Some did not get up early enough to witness it. Some were too distracted. Some were too self absorbed. Still, the beauty was there for all. Love is there for all. I realized that thirty some years ago and refused to let it pass by. I seized the moment…we seized the life…our life. As the sun continues to rise on us, I continue to look forward to our future together. I look forward to the unexpected places that our love will take us in each other. Unexpected beauty…Unexpected love…Unexpected US.

35...2

2008-07-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

It’s been a grand thing being in love with my wife for the past 35 years. Loving someone that deeply cannot happen without taking a look into yourself. When I take that close of a look into myself, I see the times that I haven’t quite lived up to what I had hoped to be as a husband and a father. I remember the look of encouragement in my wife’s eyes when I would come home from an audition and didn’t get the gig. I also remember times when I saw the look of “how are we going to pay rent” in her eyes when I didn’t get the gig. Through the years, I have always wanted to bring happiness and joy into her life. Yet, there were still times that I brought pain into the life of the person that I love more than life.

Seeing my son grow up was a great joy to me. He is my pride. I am grateful for the man that he is today. Still, as he was growing into that man, I felt helpless as he made some unwise choices for his life. I had helped others, some of them I didn’t even know. Yet, I couldn’t seem to find the right words or actions to reach my own son at the time.

I remember when my daughter was born. I held her and promised that I would never let anyone hurt her. But, when her heart was broken, all I could do was tell her the old cliché about time healing her heart. Though that was the truth, I wanted to be able to make the pain go away. But, no matter how much I love her and want to protect her, I couldn’t stop the pain.

No husband who truly loves his wife wants to bring pain into her life. No father ever wants to be unable to help his children. But, after 35 years of loving my wife, loving my children, I clearly see my failures. I know there have been disappointing moments that were caused by my failures. Love is not blind. It lets you know the fullness of who you are.

I thank the Lord that during these thirty-five years, I have brought more joy than pain to my wife and children. I have brought more encouragement, and comfort than disappointments. I have brought more love than failure. Being a husband and father doesn’t mean you are perfect. Being a true husband and father means you keep trying until you get it as close to right as you can. Then you continue to make it better as much as you can for as long as you can. I have never stopped growing in my love for my wife, my son, my daughter. I will continue to love them with all that is in me to love. I know that, being just a man, I will probably disappoint them again; but never intentionally. I hope those times will be few and far between. Hopefully, they will continue to see and experience my constantly growing love for them.

This is not meant to be a “true confessions” type of piece. It is meant to point out how good and great marriages overcome some things to become that way. Marriages that work don’t just happen. We make them happen by staying the course and continuing to give whatever it takes of ourselves to make it work. We never give in to the failures and disappointments. We never give up on us.

As We Approach 35...1

2008-06-26T02:57:00.000-07:00

It was no surprise

When I woke up this morning

So very much in love with you.

After all, I went to sleep last night

The same way…

So very much in love with you.

Shhhhh…Don’t move.

I just want to look at you…

I want to drink in every drop of you…

To feel every touch of you…

To hear every sound of you…

To breathe the very scent of you…

Indeed, to breathe the very breath

Of a life being spent

In love with you.

So, again, it’s no surprise

To wake up loving you.

Loving you is

What I do.

…………………………

As we approach our 35^th year of marriage, there is a scripture that comes to mind. It speaks of the outer man perishing while the inner man grows stronger each day. That is how I feel about me in our relationship. We have been married for almost 35 years and that means that I am 35 years older also. The outer man perishes while the inner man grows stronger.

I am a step or two slower than I used to be and yet, my heart races faster than ever at the very thought of you. While my eyesight is not as keen as it used to be, I still get a thrill at the sight of you. I sometimes forget a line to a poem that I wrote or the next chord to a song that I am playing, but, I will never forget our first kiss. No matter how tired I get, I never get tired of loving you. I am no where nearly as strong as I used to be, but, here is the thing: My love for you is stronger than ever.

As we approach our 35^th year, I am so very glad to be approaching it with you.

Why I Stay Married

2007-10-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

There is a movie out now called “Why Did I Get Married?” My wife and I saw it and we enjoyed it. In fact, everyone I know who saw it has enjoyed it. However, as I thought about the theme of the movie, I realized that on a personal level, the question, “why did I get married?” has no meaning for me. It may have had meaning thirty years ago, but now…? I have long since known why I got married. Now it’s about why I stay married. The answer is not complicated. It is simply that I love my wife. As a husband, I had to learn to live up to that love.
As a Christian, I am told to love my wife as Christ loves the church. Jesus said that He would never leave us or forsake us. If I am to love like Him, then I will never leave nor forsake my wife. I figured that if I am going to be here anyway, I may as well learn to love her as deeply as possible. After all of these years, I still haven’t hit rock bottom. My love for my wife is still growing deeper and deeper. God doesn’t set limits on His love for me, so, I don’t set limits on my love for her.
There are many great old love songs and great lines from those songs that help to express what I am trying to convey in this article. For instance, “In this world, where many people play at love, but, not too many stay in love, I’m Glad There Is You.” Or, “Here I Am and here I’ll stay…loving you.” “I love all the many charms about you. Above all, I want my arms around you…My sweet embraceable you.” “The mere idea of you, the longing here for you…You’ll never know how slow the moments go ‘till I’m near to you…” How about, “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face…heard your laughter…held you close…kissed your lips.” “Our Love Is Here To Stay” because you are my “Endless Love.” When I see the “Look of Love” in my wife’s eyes, I am glad that look is for me. “A Song For You” says, “I love you in a place where there is no space or time.” So, again, my love for you has no limits. “That’s The Time I Feel Like Making Love To You” is saying that no matter the time or the circumstances, you are always the object of my desire. That’s all because… “This Guy’s In Love With You.”
Why I stay married is not the question. The question is “Why would I not?”

"34"

2007-09-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

There are over 7,000,000 references to the number “34” on the internet. There are also over 3,000,000 references to “Sept. 5^th” on the web. That’s a lot of information on those two items: 34 and Sept. 5^th. However, it is the combination of the two of that interests me. Barbara and I celebrate our 34^th anniversary today, Sept. 5^th, 2007. 34 years, and the Lord has blessed us to still be more in love than ever.

“Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." (Song Of Solomon 2:7).

Over thirty years ago, love was awakened in us. We have continued to stir it up and it continues to please. We were new and love was new and fresh. That was the beginning. It was good. Because we were so different, there were those who thought we would not last. Who knows? Maybe in another 30 years or so, they may be right. But, right now, as the old song says, Our Love Is Here To Stay!!! Yes, love was new and fresh back then. It was unproven and untested. The years have passed and with time, our love has matured and become well seasoned. It has stood and withstood the test of time. New and fresh is good. Mature and seasoned is better…When it comes to love.

“I am my Beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”(S.O.S. 6:3). “The Daughters saw her and called her blessed.”(S.O.S. 6:9).

God gave us to each other. I am hers and she is mine. It is a simple understanding of that fact that causes love to continue to grow. Again, I think of the line in the old song, You’re mine and we belong together. I have always wanted my wife to feel special because of the love that I have for her. I want her to know and be confident in the fact that I am hers and hers alone. I want her to feel that ours is a love worth having. I want others to look at us and call her blessed because of our love. I want other couples to be inspired to love each other more because of the deep love that they see in us. The first time I saw her, I looked at her through eyes of infatuation. It was the college girl I was fascinated with. Now, I look at the woman through eyes of an ever deepening love. When others see me looking at her, I want them to see the look of love for her in my eyes and call her blessed.

“Set me as a seal upon your heart…”(S.O.S. 8:6).

My love covers her heart and her love covers mine. It is a seal that has protected our relationship all of these years. My heart is a place where only she belongs. She’s in me, I am in her and we are sealed by love in each others hearts. With the dawn of each new day comes a new opportunity for love to grow. So, our love is both new and old. In its newness, it is continually seeking, exploring, discovering, growing, building. New love is exciting. Old love has grown deep and is established on a solid foundation. It is comfortable, reliable, forgiving, understanding. Old love is the “just the two of us” kind of love. Old love gives life and assurance to new love. Old love is exciting.

“I am my Beloved’s and my desire is toward her.”(A paraphrase of S.O.S. 7:10). “…rejoice with the wife of your youth. …Let her breasts satisfy you at all times and be ravished always with her love.”(Prov. 5:18-19).

After all of these years, she still fascinates me. She still infatuates me. She still inspires a hunger in me that only she can satisfy. She is the wife of my youth. Now, she is the love of my life. I rejoice in the very thought of her. After all these years, hers are still the only lips that I want to kiss. Hers is the only body that fits in my embrace. Is she my friend? Yes she is. But, I have other friends. She, however, is my one and only Lover. My desire is truly toward my Beloved. I do rejoice in her, because of her and with her. Her breasts and all that goes with them do satisfy me at all times and I am and forever will be ravished with her love. I am my Beloved’s and my desire is toward her.

There are so many things that I could say about our marriage. But, it’s really all very simple. Everything that I could say comes down to this:

Barbara, after 34 years of marriage, after all these years, I do love you…STILL.

Second Chances

2007-08-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

There is an old saying that God is a God of the “second chance.” You see that in the Bible with people such as Abraham. Sometimes you see a 3rd, 4th and 5th chance, as with David. And then you can lose count of the chances as with Peter. Most of the heroes of the Bible needed several chances before they got it right.

We can see the same thing in marriages. Sometimes several chances are needed to get it right. I personally know of couples where adultery, severe arguments, fights and other mayhem went on during the marriage. But second, third, fourth and fifth chances were given. YET, they were able to get it right and went on to have long fruitful, happy relationships. In order for the second chance to work in a marriage, there has to be two things: REPENTANCE and FORGIVENESS. It cannot work unless both are present. And both have to be motivated by love. I am not saying that either one is necessarily easy in some cases. I am saying that BOTH are necessary in all cases.

Sometimes-- most times, people confuse repentance with being sorry. They are not the same. Just being sorry is not enough. Just being sorry doesn’t bring about change. You can be sorry that you got caught but not sorry for the pain you caused. Being sorry is not enough. Repentance has an element of sorrow in it obviously. But it doesn’t stop there. To repent means to make a 180 degree turn from what you are doing. It means to change behavior. Depending on what you did, that may mean changing your attitude; changing your conversation; changing your actions; changing your habits. It may mean getting rid of old (or new) acquaintances. Whatever you are doing to hurt the marriage has to stop and you have to do something in its place to build up the marriage. It is not good enough to just stop doing something harmful. You have to start doing something helpful. Be proactive in making the relationship better. True repentance means changing your ways. You can be sorry. You can “admit you were wrong.” You can do all of that and more. But, to paraphrase an old song, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that change.”

I have always believed that in order for love to work you have to be willing to take some risks. True forgiveness is one of those risks. When you forgive, there is no real guarantee that your spouse will truly repent. But what is guaranteed is that the relationship can never work unless true forgiveness is present. If you are constantly throwing the past up in your spouse’s face, how can he or she move on in true repentance? If you are constantly placing guilt trips on your spouse, what would be the motivation? How can love grow? How can the relationship be restored? You have to forgive, and at some point, move on. Let it go! Your love won’t grow until you let go of the pain, the disappointment, the failure. At some point you have to stop the “wait and see” process-- Stop making your spouse “prove” himself or herself and start contributing to making the relationship better. If you are going to stay in the marriage, it only makes sense to do what you can to make it work. Just as the repentant has to be proactive in the rebuilding process, so does the forgiver.

Neither repentance or forgiveness is an easy process. But, the thing is, both forgiveness and repentance are processes for us to live our best lives. As we are going through the process, we sometimes fall short. Sometimes we mess up. We fall down BUTwe get back up again. We help each other to get up again. That is why the forgiver gives the repentant chance after chance to get it right. That is why the repentant gives the forgiver chance after chance to get it right. The Bible says that love never fails. This statement has only been made about LOVE. It doesn’t say “faith never fails,” or “miracles never fail,” or anything else. It says “LOVE NEVER FAILS.” Love never fails because LOVE NEVER QUITS!!!

It's Just A Piece Of Paper

2007-08-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

“We don’t need a marriage license to show our love. It’s just a piece of paper!” I have lost count of how many times I have heard this over the years. “It’s just a piece of paper.” Those who say that often declare that they are doing their own thing. They are being different… Not adhering to the norm and so on. They don’t seem to realize that they've just stopped being like one group to act like another group. They are like the people who wear spiked hair to be different. They are not different. They are just like everyone else who wears spiked hair. With some of everything being done by so many different people, it is very difficult to be different. And living together without being married is hardly “different” these days.

“It’s just a piece of paper” they say. The deed to your house is “just a piece of paper.” Your apartment lease agreement, your car registration, your check on payday, your driver’s license and so many more things qualify under the title of “just a piece of paper.” But you make sure that you have these in place, and you are very protective of them. High school diplomas, certificates of completion, college degrees are all “pieces of paper.” But, they are highly valued. Shouldn’t you value the most important relationship in your life at least as much as you do your house, car, or level of education?

Our marriage certificate gives my wife rights to all of my “stuff.” If I should die before she does, she is protected. Unmarried couples don’t have this protection unless they draw up a lot of legal documents. And if they are going to do all of that, they may as well get married. It is a lot simpler. When you sign any contract, there are conditions that you have to live up to in order for the contract to remain valid. The contract in essence gives you a goal to strive for. A marriage contract is no different. There are terms. You agree to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and bad times; in sickness and in health; whether rich or poor; until death do you part. That is the goal that you are shooting for. You want to live up to the contract. We lived together for three years before we got married. We thought we loved each other and we did. But, once we took the marriage vows and got the “piece of paper,” we found that the old love was but a mere shadow of the love that developed once we were married. There is no comparison.

My marriage license is a symbol of the love and life that I will share with my wife until the day that I die. It is just a piece of paper that declares to the world that I am my beloved’s and she is mine. It’s just a piece of paper that is a symbol of a relationship that means so much more to me than the wood and plaster of a house or the tin, plastic and rubber of a car. It’s just a piece of paper that reminds us of why we are together when we want to go… So we stay, and build, and grow. It’s just a piece of paper that gives her access to a place and space of peace and rest in me… a place where only she can come.

It is just a piece of paper that says that I will live up to the commitment to love my wife no matter what happens in my life. It’s just a piece of paper that I take seriously. Because of that piece of paper, I have joy. It IS just a piece of paper. But, it is the most important piece of paper that I have.

Heavenly Marriage

2007-08-02T11:07:00.000-07:00

Ever since I have been a Christian, I have been excited about the idea of Heaven. I used to wonder why most of the Christians I knew were not excited about Heaven. Yeah, they want to go there, but they aren't as pumped up about it as they are about getting a new car or a new house. This has always seemed strange to me since Eternal Life, Heaven, is the primary thing that Jesus talked about. It is the primary reason He died on the cross. Yet, it seems that Christians spend very little time thinking about what Jesus spent most of His time talking about. Then it occurred to me that maybe the reason for the lack of interest is that so few Christians know how much the Bible says about Heaven. They get most of their concepts of Heaven from the movies and cartoons. I have to admit, the idea of sitting around on a cloud playing a harp for eternity is not very appealing. In the Bible, Heaven is described as a “kingdom” which indicates power and prominence; a “country” which gives the idea of identity; a “city” which brings to mind culture, creativity and productivity. And obviously, whatever is there is better than places like New York, Rome or Tokyo or Jesus would not have died to give us entry to it. Heaven will not be boring.

These days, people seem to be as uninterested in marriage as they are in Heaven. And for the same reason: They have a very watered down idea of what marriage is. I hear young men speaking of not wanting to “end their lives yet.” They don’t want to get “tied down.” They don’t want to “miss out” on something. They are afraid that they will get married and have to do the same things every day. The funny thing is, most of them are already doing the same things every day. They go out and hit on a lot of different women. But, they want to do the same thing with the women. They go to a lot of different places. But, they do the same thing every place they go. They are creatures of habit. They just don’t know it. In a real marriage, there is love and in love there is freedom. There is no sense of restriction. You are free to truly build a life together.

Building a relationship with another person is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do. Once you learn to think past the things you would do on your own, you can start to truly develop a meaningful and fulfilling bond with your spouse. What I mean by that is there are certain things you are going to do whether you married or not. You are going to work. You will have some place to live. If you want to, you will go to college. You will have some form of transportation. Marriage may determine how and when you do these things, but even if you were not married you were going to do them anyway. So, to think past these is to realize that, while important, these things won’t make or break your marriage unless you let them. Your marriage is above and beyond what you do for a living, where you live, how educated you are or what kind of a car you drive. Remember-- rich, educated, Mercedes driving folks get divorced more than poor people.

The rewards and excitement of marriage start with realizing that the relationship is about the two of you and not about what you have or don’t have. It is really that simple. We tend to complicate matters by adding conditions that don’t belong in the mix. Learning to love one another is a lifetime experience. Growing in that love is a lifetime joy. Appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, comforting, forgiving, anticipating and desiring one another are all part of the satisfying nature of marriage. Yes there will be problems. So what? If you stayed single for the rest of your life, guess what? There will be PROBLEMS. That’s just part of life. When you are single, you deal with the problems and move on. When you are married, you deal with the problems and move on.

For people who base their happiness in marriage on what they accumulate, marriage will become a dull boring experience. For people who base their happiness in marriage on building their relationship, marriage will continue to be fulfilling and satisfying. When you understand what to base your marriage on, you won’t fear getting married. As a Christian, I believe that God created marriage just as the Bible teaches. God did not create anything to be boring and dull. That includes Marriage and Heaven.

Your Cheating Heart

2007-07-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

I made a statement at a meeting some years back and the reaction to it surprised me, amused me, and somewhat saddened me all at the same time. The statement was simply, “I will never cheat on my wife.” It seemed to me like a reasonable statement for a married man to make. But the immediate reaction to what I said made me wonder if I had committed blasphemy or something on that level. “How can you say something like that?” “You can’t say what you won’t ever do!” “You don’t know what you will do under the right circumstances!” “You are not being realistic!” “You are fooling yourself!” Now, these sentiments weren’t just being expressed to me, they were being shouted at me! I was actually being attacked for saying that I would never cheat on my wife. Oh, did I mention that the meeting was a men’s fellowship meeting and that those in attendance were pastors, ministers, deacons and other church members? I knew these men. They were all good men. That is why their reaction surprised, amused AND saddened me. In due time, I found this to be a pretty widespread opinion among both men and women concerning being faithful to their spouses. While people want to be and intend to be, they are reluctant to make a definite statement that they will be faithful. They seem to be afraid of some great “WHAT IF…” So, I suppose when I made the statement, the brothers attacked me in order to protect their own fears. Or maybe not.

I think people may tend to get temptation confused with yielding to temptation. They are, in fact, two entirely different things. You cannot control temptation because you never know when it is going to hit. That is why it is called temptation. It is usually a surprise. However, while you are not in control of what tempts you, you are definitely in control of how you react to it. Is temptation possible? Yes. Is it possible that anyone can yield to it? Yes. It is definitely possible. Possibilities are what the brothers were dealing with when they so vehemently disagreed with me. But, I wasn’t dealing with possibilities when I made the statement. I was dealing with probabilities. I know that it is theoretically possible for me to cheat. But, the probability of me cheating is: Zero. There is an old maxim called the 5 P’s: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. If I were to wait until I found myself in a compromising situation to decide what I should do, I would probably fall. But, if I have already made it up in my mind to stand, to be faithful to my wife, to be faithful to my love, to be faithful to my God, it becomes easy to walk away. If the furthest you’ve gotten in your thought process is, “I want to be faithful,” “I will try to be faithful,” “I should be faithful,” if this is as far as you have gotten, you are setting yourself up for failure. You have to have a made up mind to be properly prepared, to prevent poor performance.

The Bible tells us that a man is as he thinks in his heart. If you think it is possible for you to fall, you probably will at some point because you haven’t prepared yourself not to. When I think about the pain, hurt and disappointment that I would bring to my wife, my children and the offense to God just because I could not control my zipper, there is no probability that I would ever cheat. Temptation just happens, but resisting temptation is a matter of choice. God never holds us responsible for being tempted. But He does hold us responsible for yielding to it. The Bible says that God always gives you a way out of temptation. When I made the statement about not cheating on my wife, the brothers came up with all kinds of scenarios and “supposes” and such. But, the bottom line is: No matter what the temptation is, your feet still work. There really is no unwritten law that says just because you are tempted you have to yield to it.

I know men that think about being faithful all of the time. They worry about it. They agonize over it. The possibility of cheating scares them so much that they are afraid to look at another woman. They feel that they have no real control and that they are always one step away from slipping. With the thought of cheating on your mind all of the time, you are more likely to cheat than not. Men like me don’t particularly think about cheating or being faithful at all. Being faithful is just a part of who we are. There is nothing to think about. You just do it. You breathe, you are faithful. You drink water, you are faithful. I don’t have to think about breathing. I need to breathe to stay alive. I need water to stay alive. Faithfulness is necessary for my marriage to stay alive. So, I just do it. There is no alternative to consider. Being faithful has become as natural as breathing for me. I just do it. I don’t get up in the morning and think, “Should I be faithful today or not?” There is no “or not” therefore, there is no “should I?” It just is.

“I will never cheat on my wife.” It was a seemingly harmless statement to me. Yet, it brought about two hours of debate and conversation, all against my statement, by men who should have been making the same statement. To me, each one of those men should have been saying the same thing that I said. There was only one man who agreed with me and he didn’t let me know until we had a private conversation after the meeting was over. He didn’t want to catch any of the heat directed at me. Now as far as I know, all of these men are faithful to their wives. They are just not able to bring themselves to make a definite statement about what they will or won’t do. They are stuck in what could possibly happen if they are not careful. Possibility thinking is fine for some things such as plans for your future. When it comes to your marriage and being faithful, possibility thinking falls short. Probability thinking is what is needed. It is not “what will I possibility do?” It is “what will I probably do?” At some point in your life, you should know yourself well enough to say what you would probably do in a given set of circumstances. I know me well enough to know that I will never cheat on my wife. It is not that complicated. When it comes to cheating, just don’t do it. When it comes to being faithful, just do it. It works for me.

Momma Said...

2007-06-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

I recently received an email from Anonymous asking about the plight of a single mother raising a boy. How can a mother, without a father in the home, teach her son to be a man? How do you teach a son to avoid the violence, to appreciate family values, to respect and love his wife and to value his accomplishments without challenging his manhood? I have to say, “Anonymous, you asked a mouthful.” I don’t know that I can adequately answer any of this, but I'll share a few of my thoughts on the matter.

I think that it is very important from an early age to teach the boy to think for himself. One way to do this is for you to value his opinion. If he has a good opinion, let him know. If he has a bad opinion, challenge him to think differently. Don’t tell him he is wrong or that his idea is silly. That will only crush him and eventually send him out to find people that will agree with him. Instead, if he is wrong, try saying something like, “I see that you've given this some thought, but have you considered…?” And then lead him into the right way of thinking. This type of response leads to discussion instead of argument. “Have you considered…?” challenges a person to think about what he has just said, to listen to what you are saying, and to compare the two concepts. This takes time and patience on your part, but if you want to help to develop a thinking man, you have to put in the time.

Yes, there is violence, drugs and many other vices out there. When he goes out of your front door, he will run into all kinds of bad influences. It is important for you to instill in him that he has a choice. While there are many bad things out there, there are many more good things out there to choose from. Hold him responsible for the choices that he makes. Don’t give him the convenient out based on“peer pressure.” Let him know that peer pressure can work in both directions. He can influence someone to do good rather than allowing himself to be influenced to do bad. He has a choice. Don’t accept the “broken home” excuse for having done wrong. There are men who came from broken homes who went on to become some of the worst criminals in the city. That was their choice. There are other men from broken homes who went on to become truck drivers, lawyers, janitors, doctors, teachers, store clerks, musicians, and on and on. They made a choice to make an honest living. When a man understands the essence of choice, he understands the essence of manhood. As long as he blames someone else (missing dad, the white man, his peers, etc.) he is a slave to that person. If that person never comes back or never changes then he can never change because he has given them power over how he conducts his life. As long as he blames circumstances for his plight (broken home, racism, etc.) he is a slave to that circumstance. If it doesn’t change, then he can’t. But, if he takes responsibility for his own choices, then he has the power to change his mind when he makes a bad decision. If he knows that it was his choice to do wrong, then he knows that he can make the choice to do right.

Tell him about his father. If at all possible, encourage a relationship between him and his father. Because you and his father didn’t make it doesn’t mean that he and his father won’t make it. Don’t use him as a weapon against the father by not allowing the father to see him out of spite. Don’t belittle his father to him. You don’t have to pretend that his father is better than he actually is, but don’t constantly bring up the fact that the man is a dog in your opinion. That is very unhealthy for a boy to hear. He will respect you more if you don’t speak badly of his father. Plus, he knows that you are the one who is caring for him. He is not blind. Because he wants to love and respect his father doesn’t mean that he loves you less. You don’t have to feel threatened. If he is never going to see his father, then tell him whatever good you remember about his father. Unless you were raped, there was something that attracted you to his father. Let him know those qualities. It will help him to feel better about himself in the long run.

If you date, make sure you date men that respect you. If you accept a bunch of doggish men in and out of your life, then you are telling your son by default that it is alright to treat women like that. After all, if it is good enough for Momma, it’s good enough for any other woman.

Teach him to respect and to love women by showing him a mother that he can love and respect. Talk to him about how to treat a woman. Share with him what your concept of a “good woman” is. Respect the woman that he eventually chooses even if she doesn’t fit your “ideal woman” for your son. Respect her and he will respect her. Love her and he will love her more.

Love is taught by being loving. I don’t mean a smothering over protective kind of love. I mean an encouraging love; a corrective love; an enlightening love; a nurturing and teaching love; an empowering love. I mean a love that starts and ends with loving God. God is larger than any circumstance or person. If your son has a love for the Lord and wants to please Him, he will make the right choices. He will know that if he does this, it will please God. He will know that he can’t do that and still please God. Loving God will keep him focused. Teaching a boy to be a man starts with teaching him to love God. You may not see the results right away, but in due time you will see the MAN that you desire to blossom out of the boy that you raised.

There is so much to say on a subject like this. I haven’t even scratched the surface. But, I hope that I have at least given you some food for thought.

There Is A Man Who Loves

2007-06-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

There is a man who loves his wife. Yes, there is such a man. You would not know it by how men are portrayed in the mass media. But, he really does exist. Married men are usually portrayed as stupid, bumbling fools at best and as cheaters, wife beaters and murderers at worst. If they happen to be ministers, they also usually doubt their faith and are harsh and unloving. If they happen to be Black, they will do most of the above. If they happen to be black ministers, they will do all of the above. People watch these stereotypes over and over again until it is expected of men to be like that in real life. No one is surprised when the married minister runs off with the church money and the church secretary. “Are there any good men out there?” is almost a mantra now.

One of the reasons that I decided to start posting these blogs was to reassure people that there are men who truly do love their wives. I am one, but there are many more like me. Don’t allow the negative images of married men to frighten you away from a life of love. I know men of all races and occupations who are good husbands. I happen to be Black and I also happen to be a Christian minister. I am a man who was there during the early years when love was new. When our love was new, my wife would ask the question, “Do you love me?” New love, while exciting, is uncertain. It hasn’t stood the test of time. So, the question, “Do you love me?” is a valid one. I am also a man who stayed the course through the tough times to get back to the good times and to move on to the great times. I am still here and now our love is old. Old love is so much better than new love. The question, “Do you love me?” is not an issue anymore. She knows that I am still in love with her and I know that she is still in love with me. We don’t have to question our love anymore, we just enjoy it.

Yes, there is a man who spends everyday falling in love with his wife. There is a man, a minister, who loves God with his whole heart, mind and soul; a man, who through his love for the Lord, learned to love his wife unconditionally. There is a man, a Black man, who is not threatened by his wife’s accomplishments, but, rather, encourages her to be all that she wants to be. After all of these years, there is a man whose love for his wife is still growing. I want you to know that there is a man whose wife still feels beautiful when he looks at her; a man whose wife still feels desired by him more than ever. In the movies, all you basically see are black men who are hustlers, cheaters, players, and gamers. You see men who are afraid of commitment. You see men who are afraid of marriage because they fear they might miss out on the next best thing that comes along. In other words, you see a long list of stupid, selfish, unsure of themselves boys (Oops, I mean men). But, I want you to know that in real life, there is a man, a Black man, who loves his wife. There is a man who is committed to that love to the end.

In the movies, you see ministers portrayed as being foolish, uncertain of their faith in hard times, cheaters, thieves, cultists and worst. But, in real life, there is a man who truly loves the Lord; a man who understands what it means Biblically to be a Christian. There is a man, a Black man, a minister, who is truly surrendered to the Lord and committed to serving Him. Yes, there is such a man. I am that man. In fact, I am just one of a great many men who love God and love their wives. I am not unique by any means. We don’t get much press, but, we do exist. There is a man who can look at his wife and say, “After all of these years, I am still so very much in love with you.”

Am I Sexy Enough For You?

2007-05-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

Some women spend a lot of money, time and energy in the name of looking cute and sexy. Low cut tops to show off their cleavage, and short dresses and skirts to show off their legs are quite common. And that is the problem, it is QUITE COMMON. It is seen so much, that one blends into another. There is always another sexy, cute girl around the corner. You see, sexy and cute appeal to the eye. Sexy never gets past the eye of most men. And the eyes have no memory. The eyes focus on what’s in front of them at the moment. Out of sight, out of mind. That is the essence of cute and sexy. Sexy will always get attention, but it almost never holds interest. And you don’t hear grown men referring to a woman that he is interested in as being “cute.” Cute is for boys, not men. Men use words like attractive, beautiful, sensual and many other ways to describe a woman of interest. But, not cute. Cute is reserved for boys and girls.

The woman that holds a man’s attention is the one who gets past his eyes and into his head. Sexy and cute very seldom get into a man’s head. There is a difference between being sexy, which is contrived and made up and having sex appeal, which flows naturally from the woman’s character. Men remember women who are self aware and self confident. Sexy is only self centered. Self confident-self centered: Be aware of the difference. A sexy woman tries to dress to make her self look good. A self aware woman makes what ever she wears look good. She understands that clothes don’t make the woman, the woman makes the clothes. She is not into fad, she is into style. And her style is personal. It fits her. She is the one who will get past the eyes of a man and get into his head. He knows that there is not another “her” right around the corner.

Sexy, at the most, leads to a booty call. Class and style lead to relationships. Taking care of how she looks is automatic for a self confident woman. So, her whole life is not about how she looks. She also is interested in other people and develops a sense of humor about her self. She is usually easy to talk to. I am not talking about cookie cutter, stamped out women who all think and act alike. These are just general qualities that are usually found in self confident women to one degree or another. How they play out in each particular woman is different. They will have different tastes in clothes, foods, music, humor, etc. One could be dressed in a sweat shirt and jeans and the other in an evening gown and they could have vastly different personalities. But, both will still exhibit that easy self confidence, that sense of self that goes way beyond the taste in clothes. And they will both get past the eyes of a man and into his head, though for very different reasons.

Toys are cute. You don’t want to be just another cute plaything for some man who still thinks like a boy. Men look at cute and sexy, no doubt. But, there is no long term attraction to cute and sexy because more is always on the way. Cute and sexy is like icing without the cake: Sweet, but no substance. You get tired of sweet with no substance very quickly. Men may look at “sweet” and may even want to taste “sweet,” but, they are attracted to substance. Again, I am talking about men, not boys.

I am not posting this to put any woman down regardless of how she dresses. I am simply sharing some facts of life that I shared with my daughter. Women sometimes think they know what men want. I am telling you what they really want. You are free to dress and act any way that you like. But, remember, if you only reach the eyes, it’s out of sight, out of mind. If you really want to impress a man, don’t try. Just be yourself and you will get past his eyes and into his head.

How We Met...The Beginning

2007-05-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

I remember the most important parts of the night well. I was at a wedding reception, having as nice a time as you can have at a wedding reception. I thought about the fact that I lived close to the event and decided to have an impromptu party. I was always a good party host and could put a party together very quickly if necessary. So, I spread the word that there would be an after party and to come on by. Now, I did not know any of the people at the affair except the bride and groom, so, I wasn’t sure who would show up. I just figured that whoever did come, we would all have a good time. I left the reception and headed for the store to get some party starting supplies. I bought some Bali Hai pineapple wine and some 7UP to make some punch. I got some chips and dip to munch on and headed home to prepare for my guests, who ever they might be.

People started to drift in and avail themselves of the punch and chips. They danced and were having a good time. I was sitting in a chair facing my front door and greeting folks as they came. All of a sudden, I saw this long, brown leg step up on my porch. The rest of the body followed and suddenly standing at my door was this tall ~Black Is Beautiful~ sista with wire framed glasses and an Angela Davis styled natural that seemed to be moving to the music. As she stuck her head inside the door, she asked, “Is this the party?” I remember thinking, “Now it is.” But, I simply replied, “Yes.” She came in and became the party for me. I did not see her at the reception, but, now, I couldn’t see anyone but her. She had my undivided attention from that moment on. One of the most popular Doo Wop songs of all time is the piece “I Only Have Eyes For You” by the Flamingos. At that moment, I can truly say that I only had eyes for her.

We talked and danced and talked some more. I found out that she was a senior at San Jose State University planning to become a teacher. Since she was in college, I knew that she had most probably only been dating college boys. So, being a man, I didn’t view them as any possible competition for her affections should it progress that far. The more we talked, the more I wanted to really get to know her. To this day, I don’t remember anything about anyone else at the party. I have no idea how many people came. I don’t know if they enjoyed themselves. I don’t know when they left. I do know that she was there and I was there and we connected. Everything else, everyone else was irrelevant. I actually met the love of my life in my own living room.

She was only in town for the wedding and had to leave to go back to school the next day. So, before she left the party, I got her address so that I could write to her. We wrote back and forth and when she would come into L.A. to visit her family, we would get together. Time went on and we eventually fell in love. Now, I was just coming out of a divorce and the last thing I thought about was getting into a relationship. And I definitely wasn’t looking for a wife. But, I knew that she was one that I shouldn’t let pass. One day, we went out for a ride and came back married. We have been together ever since.

Obviously, we had to over come some things. We almost broke up a couple of times. But, we decided to stay the course. And when we decided to do it God’s way through His Word, our relationship and our love took off and continues to soar to greater heights. So, after over 30 years, I can look at her and still say, as the song says, “I Only Have Eyes For You!!!”

What's My Job

2007-05-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

When we see words in the Bible such as “pastor,” “bishop”, “apostle,” “priest” or “prophet,” they were not merely titles. In fact, for the most part, they were not titles at all. They were job descriptions. Rather than speaking of what a person called himself, they spoke of the job that person was called by God to do. For instance, you never read of Paul referring to himself as “Apostle Paul.” He always says, “Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ.” Just as you would not say, “Here’s Plumber Joe,” but, rather, “Here is Joe, the plumber.” It was not until centuries later that the job descriptions became more of a title. As a result, today we have too many ministers that are living on the title. What we need is more ministers who live up to the job description. Yes, these words are much more than mere titles.

In this same pattern of thought, we have men today who act as if the word “husband” is merely a title. They want the title without the substance that goes along with it. They think of themselves as “husbands” only in the sense that they now have a wife to serve them. They now have someone to control. When they are out chasing other women, being a husband becomes a matter of convenience. If they are married, they don’t have to make a real commitment to the women that they are playing around with. It’s just another con game. They string women along with the “promise” that they will get a divorce as soon as it is possible. The thing is, getting a divorce never becomes possible.

Just a side thought here for the ladies reading this. Ladies, don’t think that you can change him. If he is cheating on his wife, the only reason he will leave her is that she finally catches on and leaves him. Then he may come to you. But, if he does, beware because he will probably do the same to you: Cheat on you and try to control you. That’s his nature. You can’t change it. There is an old Oscar Brown, Jr. song called “The Snake.” It is about a woman on her way to work on a winter morning. She is walking through the park on her way to the bus stop when she comes across a half frozen, almost dead snake. She feels sorry for the snake. She takes him home and nurses him back to health. Every day she rushes home from work to see how the snake is doing. One day she comes home to find the snake all laid back in the easy chair listening to some soft jazz and sipping some lemonade. She is so glad to see that the snake is well. She picks him up and hugs him close and tells him how happy she is. Just then, the snake opens his mouth and bites her. She screams at the snake and asks him how he could treat her this way after all she has done for him. “You know your bite is poisonous and I will surely die,” she says. “Oh, shut up silly woman,” the snake said with a grin. “You knew darn well I was a snake before you took me in!”

Now back to the story. As men, we are called to do much more than just saying we are a husband. We are called to be a husband. We are called, if you will, to live up to the job description and not just live on the title. When the Bible tells us to become one flesh with our wives and to love our wives as Jesus loved the church, those are not suggestions. Those are commands. Those are standards that are set for us. Those are God’s expectations of us. Paul, Peter, John and others recognized the call of God on their lives. They expressed that calling through their love for God and through their actions in serving Him. As men, we are to recognize the call of God on our lives as husbands. And, likewise, we express that calling through our actions by loving God and our wives and by serving both. As leader of the church, Jesus said that He did not come to be served, but rather, to serve. We are to follow His example. This serving is done out of love, not out of duty. You simply do it because you love your wife enough to do it.

Being a husband should mean something to you. It should define who you are. Other than your relationship with God, your marriage is the most important relationship that you have. Treat it that way. Don’t just claim to be a husband. BE A HUSBAND. Being a husband is like anything else that you do. It is a process. You grow into it. You continually tweak it. But, first, you have to have the desire to be it. If you have ever played a sport or a game that you really liked, you trained and practiced until you became better at it. The more you trained, the better you became. Being a better husband is no different. Put in the time, the effort, the desire and you will become better. There is no one set pattern for all men to follow because all men do not think alike. So, whatever it takes for you to be a better husband, as the gospel of Nike says, “Just Do It!” God is good. While He sees us and loves us corporately, He also sees us and loves us as individuals. So, He will work with you and in you to do what is necessary for Him to work through you. Ultimately, it is Him working through you that will make you the best husband that you can be. As husbands, we just have to follow His lead.

The Life I Write About

2007-05-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

There is an old B.B. King song that says, "I want to live the life that I sing about in my song." I have always loved that thought because I want to live the life that I write about in my poetry, articles and music. So far, the Lord has blessed me to do just that. I have had a great life. Every father wants his children to have a better life than he had. I want the same for my children. I know that they will eventually have more money than me. I never made a lot of money. I know that they will have nicer houses than I do. I have a nice house but, I know that theirs will be nicer at some point. They will definitely own more things than I do. But, I'm not sure that it is possible for them to have a better life than I have had. I hope that they have as good of a life as I have. When I think about it, I have done everything that was important to me so far. From 4 years old, I wanted to be a musician and entertainer. I did that for over 20 years. I wanted to travel. I have done that and still have borders to cross. I wanted a wife that I could truly love and grow old with loving as deeply a possible. I have a wife that is forever young and has continued to love an old dude like me just as I love her for over 30 years. I have a son, daughter and granddaughter that I love and they return to me the love that I have for them. I wanted a relationship with God, a strong loving relationship with Him. I have that. My love for the Lord eventually led me to wanting to go into ministry. I am doing that. So, I have all that is important to me in life so far.

Being aware of what is important in life is a top priority for anyone. In marriage, this awareness is particularly important. The job, the career, the education, the house…all of that is important. But, the relationship is of supreme importance if you want a good or great marriage. With my wife and me, everything flows out of our relationship with God. It is through our relationship with Him that we relate to one another. As we get closer to Him, we get closer to each other.

In these articles, I am not trying to write a bunch of "how to" essays. I don't want to present "Marriage in 12 Easy Steps", "The 1, 2, 3's of Marriage" or "The ABC'S of Marriage." I am just trying to challenge you to think differently about your marriage. I want you to recognize what a wonderful opportunity you have to do something really special in the sharing of your life with another person. In living the life that I write about, I have grown to love both God and my wife more than I ever dreamed possible. I think this combination is the greatest gift parents can give to their children. When your children see you living a life of love for God and living a life of love for each other, that is a great gift. They know that it is possible to stay faithful to God and they know that a happy marriage is possible. It gives them a high standard to aspire to. It gives them hope. And, they most probably won't settle for just anything just to be married. My hope and prayer is that my children can find as much joy and contentment in both God and marriage as I have.

I truly hate the high divorce rate that we have now. And, just as much, I hate the mediocrity that has crept into marriages these days. I hate the idea that people have settled for this with the frame of mind that there is nothing they can do about it. Young people are afraid to get married these days because of the lousy marriages that they see around them. Older married people feel trapped in poor relationships with no way out. I am writing these blogs with the hope that someone will be inspired and encouraged by the fact that there are good and indeed great marriages out here. I am hoping that no matter how long you have been married you will want to make it better. If it is bad, make it good. If it is good, make it great. Do what ever it takes to fix what ever is wrong. That may mean counseling. It will definitely mean praying. And in the end, it will take change. And the change has to be in you.

Start writing and living your own love song or poem. Become the husband, become the wife that you need to be to take your marriage to the next level. Fall in love with one another all over again and write a new love song for your lives together. Again, this is just a couple of thoughts as to why I am writing these blogs. I love a good marriage. When my daughter asked me to publish this series of blogs, my only wishes were that someone would learn to love God more and someone would learn to love his or her spouse more. I hope that is happening.

A Couple of Thoughts on Men

2007-05-07T14:07:00.000-07:00

These are just some random thoughts about how men view women.

"…man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." (1Sam. 16:7)

Some men are "leg" men. Some men are "breast" men. Some are "butt" men. A lot of men are very good at seeing the female form. They can appreciate it in all aspects. They have their likes and dislikes about the physical features of a female. They judge a woman's worth based on her form and how much she meets their criteria for physical beauty. They can see the female but, they cannot see the woman inside the female. While they can easily see and appreciate the outer beauty of the female (which will fade over time), they have no idea of how to see and appreciate the beauty of the woman inside the female (which continues to grow over time). When a man can look past a woman's breasts and look into her eyes, that is great. When a man can look past a woman's eyes and look into her soul, it's even greater. That means that he is paying attention to her. That means that he is truly trying to see her for who she is and not just for how she looks. If a man only or mainly knows her by her physical attributes and marries her, the marriage is doomed to mediocrity or failure if he doesn't get to really know the woman within. She will know if his love for her is mainly based on how she looks. That won't be enough for either of them in a very short while. After all, how long can a conversation last about physical beauty? Once you have said it, "You're beautiful", how many more times can you say it during the course of a day? It gets old quick. A man's wife should always feel beautiful when he looks at her. It doesn't matter that she has gained a couple of pounds, or has become gray or what ever the current condition is.

Yes, physical looks are important. We (man or woman) shouldn't allow ourselves to get sloppy in our appearance. But, for true lasting romantic love in marriage, it has to go way beyond the looks. The Bible tells men to love their wives in knowledge. That doesn't mean ignoring her looks, but, it does mean knowing the woman beyond the looks. Get to know the woman inside of the female. Know that person's beauty. Make that person feel beautiful. The rewards for both you and your wife will be great.

"For as he thinks in his heart, so he is." (Prov. 23:7)

My daughter once told me that a man told her that she would make a good politician's wife. I wondered if he also thought that he would make a good poet's husband? Was he even aware that she is a poet? If so, did he expect her to stop being a poet to accommodate his needs? So often, some men tend to think of their wives as accessories to their careers. You put on your pants, your socks and shoes, your shirt and tie, your jacket with a handkerchief in the breast pocket. And, oh yes, you put on your wife. No wife wants to feel on par with a neck tie. I told my daughter that if she were to marry this man or anyone else, she is not marrying a politician, she is marrying a husband. If he doesn't understand the difference, then he will never be a husband until he does understand. A simple fact is, in order to be a husband, you have to first think like a husband. You can't be a successful husband and still think like a single man. It won't work. You are not single anymore. If you want to think single, stay single. But, if you get married, you have to think married. Your wife has to be someone to you more than an asset to your career. You are not a politician, pastor or lawyer at home. You are a husband. That means that you have to be concerned about your wife's concerns.

Some people say that when they get married, they are not going to change. They plan to keep on doing whatever they were doing before they got married. I tell them not to get married. They will just mess up someone's life for no reason. They are already planning for failure. Why bring someone else into that mess? When you say that you are getting married, you are saying by default that you want to change your life. That is why you are getting married. It is not that you have to stop being you. It's just that when you get married, you become a new you. You have to take time to get to know and develop that new you. You have to learn to think differently. You have to learn to think like a husband. Then you will treat your wife like a wife and not like an accessory.

Oops...My Bad!

2007-05-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

Ever since I have been a Christian, I have heard people ask some form of this question: "If God is so good, then how can He allow so much evil in the world?" When people ask that question, they seem not to be aware that the answer is in the question itself. "How can God allow...(whatever)?" God allows it. He doesn't cause it. He gave us a free will to choose to love Him or to choose not to love Him. He gave us a free will to choose to do the right thing or to choose not to do the right thing. God tells us to feed the hungry. We choose to throw it into the ocean in order to control prices. He tells us to walk in peace and we choose to make war. He tells us to love and we choose to hate. We make choices and then we blame God for the consequences of our choices. If God forced us to love, then it would not truly be love and we would, no doubt, rebel against Him for taking away our freedom of choice. If we want freedom of choice, we have to be able to accept the responsibility of the consequences of our choices and stop blaming God.

We tend to do the same thing in marriage. We make statements like, "YOU made me mad." "YOU made me cheat." "YOU made me hit you." "YOU made me…!" We do something wrong and we want to blame our spouses for our actions. "I wouldn't have done this to you if you hadn't done that." It is an amazing fete of con artistry. You do or say something hurtful to your spouse and then present yourself as the victim. "It's YOUR fault that I hurt you!" Just as we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning God, we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning our spouses. It's a way of controlling the marriage. If you can con your spouse into apologizing for putting you in a position to hurt her (him), then you are always in control. No matter what you do (wrong), you are not to blame. The truly amazing thing is how many people buy into that stuff. They feel guilty because they "forced" their spouses to hurt them.

It is way past time for people to grow up and accept responsibility for their own actions in their marriage. If you hurt your spouse, it is your fault. If you never accept responsibility for your actions, then you can never change your actions. Just as people know the right thing to do in society at large and choose not to do it, the same is true in marriage. You know the right thing to do and don't. You know if you are lying. You know if what you are saying is hurtful. You know if you are cheating. You know. Yet, you choose not to do the right thing. Greed, pride and selfishness cause people to misuse others in society. These are reasons that countries invade other countries, companies overcharge and under service, and the hungry and sickly are not given any attention. These are also some primary reasons that marriages fail. Greed, pride and selfishness brought into the marriage will kill it every time.

I know that with all of the delicate sensibilities of peoples' psyches, this is not as simple as I am making it sound. There are all sorts of variables in relationships that bring about a lot of actions and reactions. Peoples' lives are complicated. Relationships are complicated. But, the fact remains: you know when you purposely hurt someone. You know when you purposely wrong someone. Greed, pride and selfishness will make you blame your victim for your actions. In a marriage, this spells “Doom”. Change starts with admitting that you are wrong. But, it doesn't stop there. Just admitting that you are wrong and not changing anything is just another con game. If you don't change, what good does it do to admit guilt? Your spouse already knows that you are wrong so you're not telling him (her) anything new. What your wife or husband wants to know is how you are going to change your actions. This is not about going to "confession" to get it off your chest. It is not about "cleansing your soul" by telling the truth. It is about making positive change in your life to be a better husband, a better wife. It is about stopping the con game, not adding to it. Admitting that you are wrong and not changing is like putting on a pot of boiling water. You get a whole lot of action, but in the end, all you have is a pot full of hot steam.

Jesus said, "If you love Me, obey My commandments." James said, "Faith without works is dead." In others words, put some actions behind your words. "I was wrong" requires an "I will do right." "I will do right" requires accompanying right actions.

I often hear the old "I know I was wrong, BUT…" stories. "I know I was wrong but she did…" "I know I was wrong, but, if he only would have…" You do wrong in response to what your spouse did. The thing is, you can't help what your spouse did or said, but you can control your reactions to it. You are still in control of you. You can still make right choices. I'm not saying that it is always easy to make the right choice. But, it is always better to make the right choice.

Marriage is a fragile matter in the beginning years. There are habits that both parties have to change in order to make the relationship work at it highest level. Blaming your spouse for what you do wrong is one of the main things that needs to change as soon as possible. Once you start blaming, it gets easier and easier to do it. You get hung up on the control it gives you and you even start to believe your own press about you being the "real victim". When you reach that point, you are not only deceiving your spouse, you are deceiving yourself just as we deceive ourselves when we blame God for what we do. While you are living in this self-deceived state, it becomes easier to hurt your spouse. After all, it's really not your fault. She (he) made you do it. If you don't change, your marriage will be, at best, mediocre for you, painful for your spouse, and will probably end in divorce. "Oops!...My Bad" without change is a waste of good breath. A good marriage requires a change of bad habits. How much are you willing to change?

But, What About The Pain?

2007-04-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

HER TEARS FELL

By Charles H. Perkins

So much love to give
such a long time since
she had given it.
He was gone…
and she was fine being alone
until her aloneness turned to loneliness.
Then…Her tears fell…

How often had she thought,
“If there were only someone…”
But, there was no one…
There was no one.
Alone…Her tears fell.

When there was love, there were no tears.
But, love had fluttered out her life
on the wings of a butterfly
leaving from it’s resting place
in her heart.
No more love…Her tears fell.

Tears washing away the dust
from yesterday’s memories.
Tears Dissolving cobwebs from the innocence
that once flowed freely
through her spirit when she had loved.

She saw life as an outlaw
stealing her love
and taking the knife of nothingness
to pierce her spirit
so that happiness
slowly oozed from the wound
and fell in drops of crushed emotions
at her feet.
A wounded spirit…Her tears fell.

Although, at the end,
it had been bitter,
she remembered only
the tender moments they shared…
all the love they made…
the good times.
Now, the good times were gone.
He was gone.
So…Her tears fell.

Tomorrow would come…
Her tears would be dry…
Her wounded spirit healed…
But, right now, being alone
and being lonely…
Her tears fell.

c. 1970

Break-ups can be funny. They can indeed be very funny. Or, maybe I just have a weird sense of humor. Back in the pre-historic times of the 1960's, I was in the military and engaged to a young lady back home. Naturally, we wrote each other love letters (There was no email back then, so we actually bought stationary and wrote letters). One day, I received the most beautiful love letter from her that I had ever received. It went on to proclaim undying love for me. I mean it was just filled with wonderful declarations of love. She had never written me a letter so loving before. The next day…THE VERY NEXT DAY, I received a letter from her telling me that she was getting married to someone else. The contrast was so great between the two letters, one of undying love for me and the other telling me that she's leaving me for someone else, that I couldn't even get mad. In fact, all I could do was laugh. For some reason it struck me as the funniest thing that had ever happened to me. But, having been married for 34 years now, I can say that my love life turned out great anyway.

Some break-ups can be funny. Most are not. Most break-ups are painful. There are the obvious painful break-ups that result from abuse, adultery, drugs and alcohol.

Sometimes it is not quite so clear as to why the break-up occurs, although you can see the relationship coming to an end. The feelings are fading. The desire is fading. The interest is fading. And so on…Until finally, the relationship fades. There may not even be any harsh words or attitudes. Just the reality that it is over. And then, the pain starts. Pain that comes from a feeling of failure and disappointment. Pain of a lost love that could have been, but is helpless to be. You both want to stop it and go on with a life together, but you don't know how, so, you break up. The lost is painful and it is a pain that has built up over time.

Then there is the sudden break up. The break up that is not expected. You think that everything is cool and then one party decides to end it just like that. And, to top matters off, he or she has no real explanation as to why they want to end it. They come up with some sort of excuse, but, no real reason. The pain is sudden and sharp because you are not prepared for it.

There are all kinds of break-ups. If you live long enough, you will probably experience one if you haven't already. But, after the acceptance of it, after deciding to go on with your life, after all is said and done, what about the pain?

In most cases, there will be pain. It hurts to lose someone that you love. Well meaning friends and relatives will tell you not to worry. They will tell you that everything will be alright. They will tell you that you will get over him (her). It will sound like noise to you, but you listen anyway because you realize that they mean well and that they don't know what else to say. Even though you don't want to hear it, they are right. Worrying never solved anything. It only makes it worse. And, at some point, you will get over it. When that point is depends on you.

Things such as acceptance and forgiveness speed up the process of getting over the pain. But, TIME is the main healer of a broken heart. After the acceptance and forgiveness (both are necessary), you begin to take control over life again. Each day, you gain small victories in the healing process. Just when you are sure that you have gotten over it, something happens to spur a memory, a feeling and the pain hits you again. Don't worry. You are not having a relapse. If you loved someone, it is only natural that the pain of the break-up will reoccur from time to time. But, in time, it will reoccur less and less. Then, eventually, not at all. You will be able to see the person without any pain, anger, disappointment or feelings of loss. Eventually, you will get past all of the pain. It may not seem like it at the time, but you will.

I personally don't care for pity parties. When I hurt, I look for things to cheer me up. I don't need people telling me how bad things are. I already know that. But, if you feel you need a pity party to vent, get together with a couple of good friends, have a good community crying session one or two times then start your healing process. You can't continue to have folks around you telling you how no good he was and how she did you wrong. You already know all of that. The longer you keep up a pity party, the longer you will stay in the same place emotionally. Things that stay in the same place tend to stagnate. At some point, you have to decide to live again. You have to decide to stop being somebody's "ex" and start being the new you. Pain is much easier to deal with when you are in control of your life. You are in control when you decide to take control. God gave you a mind and a free will. Use them to set yourself free. Yes, it will take time. But, the amount of time depends on you.

The Missing Link

2007-04-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

You have either heard it or said it before. It goes something like this: “We need to talk.” Or, “Let’s talk.” It’s either one of those two phrases or something that means talking about it. It’s been drilled into you over and over that in order to have a great or even good relationship you have to deal with the “C” word: COMMUNICATION!!! And, in truth, communication is very important. You have to learn how to talk to one another. When to talk to one another. Where to talk to one another. Talking out small things helps to keep them from turning into big things.

It is common to hear someone complain about their marriage saying, “We just don’t talk anymore.” It is at this point where they usually say that they have “grown apart.” In order to fix the situation, they feel that they need to communicate. And they probably do. The thing is, communication by itself often doesn’t help. I have seen people communicate perfectly. They are in total agreement. They communicate and agree with each other right to divorce court. They are in total communication and complete agreement that they no longer want to be together. So, lack of communication was not the problem. What they communicated about was the problem. Communication alone was the problem.

What they needed more than communication was the re-establishment of CONNECTION. Jesus told the loveless church in Rev. 2:5 to remember from where they had fallen, to repent and to repeat their first works. That is a great principle to use here. Use the three R’s: Remember, Repent and Repeat. To rebuild that connection you first need to remember how it used to be. Remember the intimacy, the touch, the feelings, the concern that made you want to be together in the first place. Remember the point in your wedding ceremony when you first truly realized that this is my wife, this is my husband. Remember that feeling of anticipation. Remember how you could not wait to be in her presence, how you couldn’t wait for his call. Get all of the business of your career, your education, your job title, your degree, the house, the bills and everything else out of your minds and just remember each other. Reconnection starts in the mind…REMEMBER!!!

REPENT!!! If what you are doing is not working, stop doing it. To repent means to do a 180 degree turn from the direction that you are going in. Look at what you are doing with each other that is not working, stop it and start to do something else. You know if you are contributing to the relationship or not. You know if you are being loving or not. Whatever YOU are doing to hurt the relationship, stop it. Stop the hurtful language in talking to one another; stop the cold silences; stop the nagging, complaining and criticizing (even helpful criticism).

Remember, repent and REPEAT. Repeat your first works of love toward each other. Repeat the walks, the drives, the dinner dates. Most of all, repeat the feelings, how you think of each other, how you treat each other. Then, create new memories to repeat. Fall in love again. Like I always say, this is a decision of choice, not merely of feelings. You have to decide to love each other all over again. You have to decide to have a great, life long love affair with each other. You have to decide to make your marriage special. And you have to make those choices and those decisions every day. Today is the day that you have. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn’t come yet. So, decide today to love one another…then do it.

Communication by itself doesn’t necessarily lead to a better marriage relationship. But, communication out the context of connection does. Quite often, connection is the missing link. Reconnect to God. Reconnect to each other. Reconnect to love. Reconnect today.

What's My Name?

2007-04-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

When Cassious Clay first changed his name to Muhammad Ali, he fought a fighter named Ernie Terrell. Terrell refused to call Clay Muhammad Ali. So, when they fought and Ali had the fight well in hand, he began to taunt Terrell. Every time he would hit Ernie, he would yell out “What’s my name!” Whap!!! “What’s my name!!!?” Whap!!! Whap!!! “WHAT’S MY NAME!!!?” Terrell finally got his name right. What’s your name? In her twenty eight years of being alive, my daughter, Maisha, has never heard me call her mother out of her name. No matter how much we disagreed or argued over a situation, I never called her out of her name.

We named our daughter Maisha. We did not name her bitch, ‘ho, or whore. We did not name her any other derogatory name. We named her Maisha. I have always told her not to accept being called out of her name by any one. I don’t care if it is in today’s music or even if it has become an acceptable part of today’s cultural environment, to call a woman a bitch or ‘ho is total disrespect. No race, no family, no couple can grow strong if there is not respect for the woman.

“Lady” is a nickname that I have always had for my daughter. When she was about 12 or 13, she asked me one day, “Why do you always call me ‘Lady’?” I told her it was because I wanted her to remember that is what she is, to always act like one and to never let any boy treat her less than a lady. A real man will always treat a woman with respect . I told her that she doesn’t ever have to settle for anything in a relationship less than a real man. He can use his most romantic “Barry White” voice to say “You’re my bitch.” When he says that, it’s time to step. If he says it, he’s thinking it. If he’s thinking it, eventually he will treat you that way because if you stay, you are by your actions saying that it is okay for him to treat you that way. It’s a pimp mentality. He will treat you sweet and disrespect you at the same time. It is a means of control. STEP as fast as you can because you have a BOY with a pimp’s mind who will use you up and move on to the next woman who is weak enough to let him in. Don’t think he is going to change. If you accepted him that way, why should he? What’s even worse is when you come to the point to where you accept yourself as a bitch or a ‘ho.

I have heard all of the excuses (there are no real reasons) for this type of language directed at women. The main one seems to be that this is just the language of the streets today. No harm is meant. Well, it really doesn’t matter what’s meant. What matters is what happens. What matters is what the effects are. When you have 6 and 7 year old boys thinking it’s alright to call girls ‘ho’s, there is harm. When you have young girls giggling when some stupid boy calls her a bitch, there is harm. When the degradation of women becomes acceptable, there is harm. When a man loses the ability to love a woman because he thinks of all women as bitches and ‘ho’s , there is harm. When a woman has no respect for her self and thinks she is unworthy of true love, there is harm.

I was a member of the Watt’s Writer’s Workshop back in the ‘70’s. I remember when the men in the workshop along with other poets from both the West coast and the East coast had a meeting and declared that it was time to stop disrespecting our women in the writing. It was time to start uplifting them in every way that we could. It happened then with just a decision to do it. The same thing can happen now with just a decision to do it.

What I said to my daughter, I say to all women: Never let a man define you into something less than what you are. I should say a boy because a man would not do that to begin with. There is so much yet to be said in this area to both men and women. I can’t say it all here. But, I can say to you, Respect yourself. Respect others. Expect to be respected by others. Don’t stay in a disrespectful relationship. If God loved you enough to die for you, how can you love yourself any less? If God thought you were precious enough to die for you, how can you stay in a relationship with a man who thinks of you as a bitch? Hold yourself to a higher standard in life than the current culture demands. Remember, culture is just what you do. Maybe it is time to start doing something else.

Tit For Tat

2007-04-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

Love is often treated like a child’s game. We wait to see what the other person is going to do and then we react. We only show love when it is shown to us first. And, we try to measure it out to make sure that we only give as much as we got and not a drop more. To top it off, we are surprised when, after a period of time, our love hasn’t grown. It has, in fact, become stagnant. That’s the way it is with tit for tat love. By waiting, you wait yourself into mediocrity.

I had to look at God’s love for me in order to learn how to truly love my wife. God doesn’t love me because…He doesn’t love me if…He doesn’t love me although…He just loves me. Jesus didn’t die for me because I deserved it. He died for me because He loved me. He loved me by choice not by response. I am told to love my wife as Christ loves the Church.

As I started putting all of this together, I found a whole new freedom in loving my wife. If I love her as God loves me, then it is not dependent on what she does. She did not do anything to earn my love so she can’t do anything to lose it. I love her by choice. That means that I can love her as deeply as I want to. And I have found that there are no limits to the depth of my love for her. Once I started loving her freely, my love continues to grow deeper and deeper as time goes on. I am really looking forward to exploring depths of love that I haven’t even imagined yet. Loving her in this way, by choice, means also that she doesn’t have to continually prove her love for me. She is free to love me freely and without strings. In other words, she is not compelled to stay with me. She is here because she wants to be and so am I.

Like I said, it’s not tit for tat love. I don’t wait for her to show me love before I show her love. I just love her. If we both freely give, we both receive. Jesus died for me without any guarantee of me responding to His love. I had to learn to love my wife without any guarantee of her responding to my love. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church is the command. That is how Christ loves the Church: Freely. That’s how I love my wife.

In that freedom, I am free to be faithful to my wife. I am not compelled to cheat. I am free to desire her as much as I want to (And that’s a whole bunch). I want her to always feel beautiful because I am looking at her. I want her to always see desire for her in MY eyes. When I gaze at her, I want her to know that she still has it. And from my gaze I want her to know that I still want it.
I can’t determine how much or even how she loves me. That’s up to her. I can only control how much and how I love her. I can only do my part and she can only do hers. In this freedom of love, we are free to forgive some things. We are free to work through some things. We are free to build a life together… to grow together… to become one together. To continue to love each other as deeply as possible is our choice. What is yours?

The Pot Luck, The Rose, And The Weed

2007-04-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

A “pot luck” meal is usually a joyous occasion। Friends and family come together and everyone brings a dish. The thing that makes a pot luck so great is that everyone tends to bring their best dishes. You bring your best dish because you want people to enjoy it. You want people to be pleased. You want people to go home talking about how good your dish was. Everyone brings something to the table and everyone shares. No one leaves hungry. No one leaves unsatisfied. Everyone comes with the intention of feeding everyone else. So, everyone eats. Just think, if everyone only came to eat for themselves, then no one would be fed. Everyone would leave hungry.

Most people tend to come into marriage this way। They come in hungry only looking to see what’s good for them to eat. When they think about marriage, they only think about what they want their spouse to bring to the table. They think about what would “make me happy.” “What would please me?” “I want a husband who…” “I want a wife that…” “If my husband would only…” “If my wife would just…” Obviously, if you are only thinking about having your own appetite satisfied, then ultimately, no one will be truly fed. When ever I ask young couples what they want out of marriage, they always tell me what they expect their spouses to do. I always ask them what they expect to bring to the table. What do they plan to serve their spouses? You want a happy marriage? What are you going to do to make it that way? Pot luck principal: If everybody brings something to the table, then everybody eats. You have to go into marriage expecting to feed the other person.

As in a pot luck meal, everybody can’t cook as well as others. It takes time to learn how to prepare a proper meal. It also takes a desire to learn how to cook. Sometimes, you will be the only one doing the cooking. Sometimes your spouse will. That’s life. But, it all balances out over time. The thing is, just as in a pot luck meal, marriage is about giving your best. Bring something to the table.

A rose is a beautiful flower. It looks good to the eye. It feels good to the touch. It smells good to the nostrils. But, a rose is fragile. If you don’t water it just enough, it withers. If it doesn’t get enough sunshine, it withers. If the soil is not just right, it withers. It takes a lot of time and energy to keep a beautiful rose garden. But, in the end, the result is worth it. The same can be said for a beautiful marriage. The time and energy put into it is worth the results.

Another view of this pampering of the rose is found in comparing its fragile nature to a weed। A weed doesn’t need watering or just the right amount of sunshine or even the proper soil. It keeps growing no matter what you do to it or what you don’t do for it. You can dig it up…It comes back. You can poison it…It comes back. You can step on it…It comes back. A weed doesn’t give up. It refuses to die. Sometimes I think we need more “weed” marriages and fewer rose marriages. In most marriages today, like the rose, we are ready to give up at the slightest provocation. One of the silliest reasons is the “We have grown apart” excuse. Be like a weed, fight for your relationship!!! Weeds don’t give up. Like a rose, a marriage is fragile, beautiful and precious. Like a weed, it also has to be tough and unyielding to defeat.

A rose is beautiful. If you reach out to the top of it, you touch a beautiful, fragrant flower…A joy to the touch, the eye and the smell. But, if you reach just a little lower, you grab a hand full of thorns. That’s the way it is in marriages. If you reach for the highest point in each other, you touch the beauty. But, if you reach lower, again, you grab a hand full of thorns. The only way to reach the highest point in your spouse is to give the highest point in yourself. As Jesus said, “It is better to give than to receive.” But, again He said, “Give and you shall receive.”

A Tale Of Three Men

2007-04-13T09:48:00.000-07:00

When it comes to male/female relationships, there are basically three kinds of men. They are: The Don Juan; the Casanova; and the Romeo.

The Don Juan is a man who easily gets women; they are very attracted to him initially. He is smooth in his style, extremely charismatic. But, the thing is, he hates women and his only desire is to misuse them. He is a sociopath. He has no conscience when it comes to mistreating women. He is completely self-centered. Women can sense the danger in him, but, they usually think that he "wouldn't do that to me." He will. "He will change." He won't. "I can change him." She can't. So, women are usually left feeling cheapened and hurt after an experience with Don Juan. I am not saying that it is impossible for Don Juan to change. I am saying that no one can change him unless he wants to be changed. If he does want to change, then through the grace of God…

The Casanova loves women. That's his thing. He loves WOMEN. Not one woman. He will make you feel like the most loved woman in the world…when he is with you. Then it's on to the next bed and she becomes "the most loved woman in the world." He is fun, kind and loving. But, he is not true or faithful. As a bee transports it pollen from plant to plant, Casanova transports his seed from bed to bed. Whereas Don Juan only finds pleasure in hurting women, Casanova truly finds pleasure in pleasing women. His concern for the woman he is with at the moment is real…at the moment. He will sing, cry, dance, beg or do whatever it takes to let the woman of the moment know that he is into her…at the moment. He usually likes married women so that he doesn't have to pretend to want any long term monogamous commitment. He is only monogamous until he gets out of her bed. While sexually satisfied at the moment, women are usually left feeling unfulfilled and empty. But, like I said he does love WOMEN.

The Don Juan hates women. The Casanova loves WOMEN. The Romeo is a man who loves one woman and spends his life with her making her truly the most loved woman in the world. Yes, Romeo is a one woman man. He will give his all into the relationship. His desire is to have a woman that he can grow old with while learning to love her as deeply as possible and receiving and honoring the love she has for him. He longs to share that ever deepening love that only comes with shared time. He can see the beauty in other women. But, his desire is only for his wife. He can appreciate other women's personalities and such. But, his desire is only for his wife. Monogamy is not a question for him, it is a privilege. After a lifetime of sharing love and romance; of desiring and lusting for one another; of growing together in oneness; of overcoming obstacles, if Romeo dies first, his wife is usually left with a feeling of being blessed for having been in such a relationship.

Of course, these are broad generalizations of men. Men, like women, are much more complex. But, I shared this thought with my daughter so that she can at least be aware of the tendencies of a man that she might be interested in. Again, this is not the end-all/know-all definition of all men. These are just some of the thoughts and observations of an old gray bearded Romeo.

The Wrong Question

2007-04-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

The Wrong Question (Particularly for a man to ask)

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."(Eph. 5:22-24).

I know some church brothers who are really cool in every aspect of their Christianity except when it comes to this passage. They seem to totally lose their minds. I have told my daughter many times to always ask a brother how he interprets this scripture before she gets serious about him. Over the years, I've lost count of how many brothers have come up to me and asked, "Brother Perkins, how can I get my wife to submit to me?" Every time I hear that question, I feel like getting a two block running start and smacking that brother into the middle of next week. But, I don't. I know that the Lord would want me to give him an answer. So I ask the brother where he got the idea that his wife was supposed to submit to him. Funny thing: Brothers who may not even know John 3:16 seem to know Eph. 5:22. So, the brother dazzles me with his scriptural adeptness. He quotes it as if he had written it himself. After which I ask him what the commandment is in the passage. He comes back with the fact that it is telling his wife to submit to him. I ask him whom the passage is directed to. He correctly points out that it is definitely directed to the wife. I ask him if he sees any place in the passage that says "Husbands, get your wife to submit to you”; or "Husbands, make your wife submit to you”; or "Husbands, trick your wife into submitting to you, force your wife to submit to you, buy your wife's submission", or anything of the sort. He thinks for a moment and comes to the conclusion, "NO" on all accounts. Then, I ask him if he's ever seen any place in the Bible from Genesis to Revelations that tells the husband to do any of that stuff. Again, "NO." I ask him, "If the scripture is not addressed to you and you can't find any place in the Bible that tells you to make or to get your wife to submit, then why are you asking that question?" Blank stare, silence. So, I give him the Bible and tell him to find the passage in Eph. 5 that really is addressed to him. "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her."(Eph. 5:25).

Let's look at a few ways that Jesus showed love for the church. First of all, He showed His followers how to be submitted to the Father by being totally submitted Himself. "For I have come down from Heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him who sent Me."(John 6:38) Are you, as a husband and leader of your home showing your wife an example of your total submission to the Father? Can she see your love for Him? Can she see your desire to obey Him? To serve Him? Start strengthening your relationship with the Lord. That is always the first thing a Christian husband should be about.

Jesus was a leader. The Word tells husbands to be leaders. Leaders...Not BOSSES!!! Jesus defined leadership as service. "But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, 'You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve; and to give His life as a ransom to many'."(Mk. 10:42-45).

How are you serving your wife? How can you serve her better? When is the last time you washed her feet? Do you make her feel special? We know from many scriptures that the disciples became better people under Jesus' leadership. He saw talents in them that they did not know they had. He helped them to discover and develop those talents. He built up their confidence. He established an atmosphere of growth. Has your wife become a better person under your leadership? If not, why not? Have you discovered hidden talents in her and encouraged her to develop them? Is she a more confident person being married to you than she was before she married you? Have you established an atmosphere of growth in your home so that she feels comfortable expressing herself knowing that you won't ridicule her if she makes a mistake? What kind of a leader are you, my brother? These are just a few things you should be considering. There are many more. Get into the Word and find them.

The subject of your wife's submission to you really should never come up in your conversation. You should be too busy talking about what the Lord has told you to do. Yes, my brother, you have many questions to ask. But, "How do I get my wife to submit?" is not one of them.

"...and the two shall become one flesh."(Gen.2:24)

2007-04-07T14:59:00.000-07:00

"If I get married, I’m supposed to only have sex with one person for the rest of my life?" "I don't know if I could have sex with the same person for the rest of my life." "Men are predators by nature. We CAN’T be monogamous." "Having sex with the same person for the rest of my life would be sooooo boring."

Questions and statements like these are pretty common today. People use this train of thought as an excuse not to get married (or remain faithful in their commitment). They have convinced themselves that no one person could possibly fulfill their sexual needs. And they are probably right. When you are only thinking about your own needs getting met, no one can live up to your expectations, just as you can't live up to anyone else's expectations. Self-centeredness is impossible to satisfy.

The idea that you have to have multiple sexual partners to be satisfied is an illusion. First of all, let me say that most of the time, sex is good. There is no argument there. It's the "after sex" where the problem starts. As long as I have been a man, (and that's been a long time), men, while enjoying the actual act, generally feel empty and unfulfilled once it is over. That is why they often disrespect the woman they have just been with. They go from woman to woman thinking that it will get better, but, it doesn't. So, women become "catch action." They become "something to do" until something better comes along…like him getting up and making a lame excuse as to why he has to leave as soon as it is over. And I don't think I have ever met a woman who truly enjoys being simply a "booty call" in someone's address book. Or, to put it more bluntly, when I was younger, a man might refer to a woman as "peanut butter…because she spreads so easily."

Sex is not bad. It is indeed good. God gave it to us as a means of both procreation and as a means of expressing love. When sex becomes the goal, an end in itself, then it is a problem. People who make sex a goal will not be satisfied very long if at all. We get back to the self centeredness. They are looking for someone to satisfy their needs. When you are seeking sex just for the sex, you are all about yourself. You might as well masturbate. That is all you are using the other person for- your self gratification.

The thing that makes sex in marriage so great is that it is not the goal any longer. It is a means to a goal. Love, intimacy, closeness, oneness…these are goals. Sex becomes a part of an overall lifestyle of love, romance and intimacy. As your relationship becomes more intimate, you love going to sleep together and waking up beside each other. The touch of her skin as she lays close in your arms, the warmth of his breath on the back of your neck, the way you fit perfectly into each others' arms, these are things you grow to appreciate. You, quite simply, love the way your spouse smells on you. When sex becomes the natural result of the love that you share, the intimacy that you have, the oneness that you have developed, it doesn't grow old…EVER. When you learn to make love to each other 24 hours a day, in big ways, in little ways, but, always, sex becomes a part of the overall love affair. It doesn't become the whole thing. Sex is no longer a "performance." It is an expression. Instead of seeking self gratification, you begin to truly enjoy one another. You please one another rather than yourself. Even during those times when you can't have sex, you can still make love. The way you think about each other. The way you look at each other. The ways you touch one another. The way you connect with one another. Making love is a continual process that goes way beyond sex. Foreplay is a lifestyle. Romance is a state of mind.

Remember that love is a choice. Desiring someone is also a choice. You can desire someone as deeply as you want to. When you chose to desire your spouse at that deepest level, there is no room for anyone else in your bed and you don't want to be in anyone else's bed. It’s up to you to CONTROL your choices.

BUT I'M AN ARTIST....

2007-04-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

I used to wonder why so many musicians, entertainers, artists and other creative people had such a hard time staying married. As I began to listen to and watch some of my fellow musicians, I saw a pattern in their relationships. As far as they were concerned, the relationship was basically all about them. The attitude was basically this, "What I'm doing is important. So, let's you and me get together and help ME achieve my dream." And when it came to the spouse's needs, the attitude was, "I don't have time for that mundane stuff. After all, I'm an artist." Now these thoughts may not have been verbally expressed, but, nonetheless, they were lived out.

The artist, the creative one, always seemed to think his or her dreams and needs were more important than their spouse's. If they did condescend to listen to how their spouse's day at work went, they did it grudgingly as if they were doing their spouse a favor. But, they expected their spouse to listen with bated breath, hanging on to every word and totally engaged as they talked on and on about their own careers. An interesting observation, when I first got into ministry, I saw this same attitude in ministers toward their spouses. Only there was the added declaration, "After all, I'm doing God's work!" How could the poor spouse compete with God?

So, you have the spouse of an artist (or minister) giving all the emotional, physical, psychological, financial and moral support she or he can and getting none or almost none in return. Meanwhile, the artist has this sense of entitlement in the relationship. He or she is pouring all of himself into his art form so, he deserves to be supported. She deserves to be understood. It's kind of like the artist is saying, "Let's both get together and fall in love WITH ME!" But, the spouse, on the other hand... After a while, the spouse gets tired of all of this self-centeredness and leaves. Another marriage bites the dust and the artist can't even see what he did wrong. "She (He) just didn't understand me." It's always the spouse's fault.

Now the CATCH is, in order to be good or great at anything (especially artistically speaking), you HAVE TO BE self centered. There is no other way to accomplish a high level of professionalism in your craft. It doesn't matter if you are an actor, singer, dancer, musician, painter or writer, you have to have a degree of self-centeredness to excel in your craft. Some art forms, such as painting and writing are very solitary crafts. Your best work is normally done while alone. Practicing to improve your dance or playing skills is normally done alone. Thinking out the way you want to express a certain move or musical figure is done alone. Artists spend a lot of time alone. Other artists understand that. My brother-in-law is a sculptor. I write poetry and music. We understand each other and our need to isolate ourselves in our respective creative caves. But, do we have the right to expect our wives, who are not artists, to automatically understand? How can they if we don't let them into us?

The problem is not in being self centered. The problem is not knowing when to turn it off. Most entertainers that I came up with were self centered all of the time. They never learned to turn it off. After seeing so many marriages break up (and most of them had some really cool spouses), I learned. I could be self centered when I was into my creative thing getting it together. But, when I came out, it was time to focus on my wife and family. My wife is a teacher. At the time, she was teaching 2nd grade. Not that I have anything against 2nd grade, but, ordinarily, I wouldn't care to be involved in a conversation about the 2nd grade. But, I was interested in my wife and she was interested in the 2nd grade, so I became interested in the 2nd grade. If I wanted her to share in and understand my world, I had to do the same for her. When I was home off the road, I tried to take full advantage of our time together. We tried to make the most of it because I never knew how long I would be home. A lesson learned from that is, after all these years, we still try to make the most of our time together.

I wanted to excel at my marriage and I wanted to excel in my music. That meant, in order for me to do both, I had to give up something. That something was sleep. When I was home, the early part of the evening was spent with my son. He was in bed by 7:30. I would spend time with my wife until she fell asleep (usually around 11or 12). And then I would do my creative thing. Being a night person, working on my craft until 3 or 4 in the morning was ideal. During part of that time, I was taking a class and had to be at school at 7a.m. So, I averaged about 3 hours of sleep a night. It worked, we are still together.

The bottom line is I had to learn to think like a husband and she had to learn to think like a wife. She did not marry a musician, she married a husband and she deserved to have one. I was a musician on stage. I was a husband off stage. Entertainment marriages can work. Mine has. Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis worked out great together. If you want something badly enough, you will do what it takes to make it work. Want your marriage and you will do the right thing.

LIFE AFTER THE BREAK-UP

2007-04-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

My wife and I have been married for almost 34 years. When I was young, I thought I knew what love was. Maybe I did. But, what I didn't know is what love can become. That knowledge comes only with time. The love we have now is far beyond anything I ever dreamed possible. We are together for the duration.

Having said that, there was a time... Many years ago when my beard was black and my waist was a few inches smaller, I was married before. My first wife and I got married in Texas right after I got out of the Air Force. She was a singer and I was a musician, so it seemed like a match. It was. It was a mental wrestling match! Since entertainment was our life, we naturally came to California where I grew up so that we could hopefully exploit our talents. There is an old blues song that says, Bright lights, Big city...Gone to my Baby's head... That's what happened. She came out here from Texas and got "California Slick", as we used to say back then. It wasn't that she didn't love me. It's that she didn't love only me...A whole lot of times.

During that two and a half year period of my life, I experienced feelings I never thought I would: Pain, hurt, anger jealousy, frustration— none of which make for a happy marriage. The thing is I went through those emotions during the marriage. When I decided that enough was finally enough, I was not angry, hurt, or jealous. There was no pain, no frustration, no self pity. There was only acceptance. I did not want the kind of lifestyle that she wanted. I no longer wanted her to stop doing what she was doing. It made her happy. She just could no longer do it with me. That reality made me happy. I accepted that and let her have her life, and I went on to make my life. I have to admit, when the divorce was final, I had what I called my "Emancipation Party" that lasted until 6:00 a.m. the next morning!

I learned some things. You can't force someone to love you or to do the right thing by threats, warnings and jealousy. Telling someone what they "better not do" doesn't stop them from doing it. Either they love you or they don't. It's their choice. They will do the right thing (or not do it) based on that choice. If they don't, then you have to make a decision on whether the relationship is worth trying to salvage. I know of some great marriages that have overcome adultery, spousal abuse, drugs, and neglect. Anything can be overcome with God's help. The thing is, God was not a part of my first marriage. I wasn't seeking Him at all and neither was she.

Once my marriage was over, there was no carry forward of suspicion. What I mean by that is I didn't place what my first wife did on other women. I know both men and women who don't trust other women and other men because of what happened in previous relationships. You miss out on the possibility of a great love if you hold your present partner responsible for what your past partner did. "All women..." and "Men are all..." are, in most cases, silly phrases. The thing is, sometimes people will become creatures of habit. The reason why it seems that "all men are..." and "women are all..." is because they go to the same places to meet the new men and women in their lives. A lady who used to work for me was certain that all men were dogs. When I asked her where she spent her time, it was in singles bars. I reminded her that men mostly go to singles bars to hunt like hounds. So, if you are going to a dog pound, why are you surprised to find dogs? If you want to change the results, change the action.

The Bible says that God hates divorce. That's true. But, remember, divorce is not the unforgivable sin. God forgives and restores. No matter how hard you try, some relationships just won't work out. It's not that they can't, it's that they don't because one or both parties refuses to make it work. If this sounds like your marriage, it will hurt. Divorce is painful. But, life doesn't have to stop there. Don't define yourself as somebody's "Ex" anything. You are a person starting a new adventure in life. Don't carry around the burden of guilt and failure. It didn't work out. Allow God to rebuild you. God always brings us to conviction not guilt. Conviction draws us closer to Him. Guilt drives us away in shame. Forgive your spouse. Don't allow bitterness and unforgiveness to build up inside. It will stop you from having any kind of productive life. Don't go around bad mouthing your spouse to your friends and relatives and making yourself to be the eternal victim. Victims are always at someone else's mercy. Victim's are always under someone else's control. Yes, you were hurt. But, do you really want to continue to suffer by continually feeding the hurt? Don't live a life-long pity party. Spend some time dealing with your pain, your anger, your disappointment, and then move on. One of the hardest parts of the divorce for me was in trying to comfort the people in my life who cared about me. They were all feeling bad for me because they thought I was sitting at home feeling bad. I wasn't. I just had some things to figure out and I knew that the answer was not in the streets. So, I was constantly draining myself trying to cheer them up!

Divorce is not a pleasant subject. It is not one that can be dealt with in a light manner or in an online article. I am not trying to give an all-in-all answer or a quick fix resolution. I'm just sharing my story, my experience with you. Divorce is complicated. There are settlements; sometimes, child support; complicated relationships with each other's relatives and mutual friends. No, divorce is not easy at all. I am glad that the Lord blessed me with a sense of humor so that I was able to laugh off a lot of things that easily could have brought tears. Instead of focusing on the mess I was in, I was able to see the opportunity for taking that mess and molding it into a new life.

I may address more on this subject at a later date. I just wanted to encourage someone who is going through or has gone through this. With marriage, it is always better to have a triumph through overcoming rather than a tragedy of divorce. But, sometimes in life we lose a battle. It doesn't mean that we have lost the war. There are always casualties in victories. Your life doesn't end with divorce. Mine didn't.

WHAT IF....?

2007-04-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

One of my daughter's friends recently made the comment that she was tentative about the commitment of marriage because...What IF!!! What if I get bored in the relationship? Answer: You will. What if there is some one else out there who could make me happy? Answer: There is. What if I married the wrong person? Answer: You did.

Probably not the answers you would expect in the makings of a happy marriage but, nonetheless, those are the answers.

You will get bored in a marriage. Why? Because at that point in time, you are not offering anything to the relationship. You are just trying to see what the relationship can do for you. When that happens, you get totally self-centered and you will get bored. When you want to find the true source of your boredom, go look in the mirror. The most boring person in the room is the one who is bored because that person is not adding anything to the situation and indeed is a drain on it. So, will you get bored in a relationship? Probably. Do you have to get bored in a relationship? No! It just doesn't happen. The choice is yours. You can add to it or you can be a drain on it. You never get bored with anything or anyone you are intellectually, emotionally and physically involved with.

Is there someone else out there who can make you happy? There always is. I know I'm not the only man who could have made a good husband for my wife. She's not the only woman who could have made a good wife for me. The point is, now that we have chosen each other, no one else belongs in the equation. 1+1=1. One her + one me = ONE US. It doesn't matter who else is out there. It only matters that we are with each other. Stay focused on who you are with. It doesn't matter who is interested in you. It only matters who you are interested in. We are not animals that react only to instinct and therefore have no control over our sexual and emotional appetites. The old, "I'm a man and that's the way men are" is just that: OLD. God gave us the ability to think and the ability to make a choice. Why should we deny what He has given us and reduce ourselves to mere animal instinct? The ability to make a choice is a precious freedom that I don't take lightly. I am free to love my wife. I am free to stay faithful to her. I am free to desire her and only her.

What if you marry the wrong person? Like I said, you did. You almost never marry the "right" person for you. You are almost never the "right" person for your spouse. You discover things about each other as you live together. Some things you like and some things you dislike. You discover that you are not "soulmates" as they like to say today. My wife and I were and are very different people. She was in college getting her degree in education to be a teacher and I was a funk musician. We had nothing in common except that we wanted to be together. We learned how to love each other. Then we learned how to love God. Then we learned how to love each other even more. Through our ups and downs, I learned how to be a husband and she learned how to be a wife. We learned how to accept each other, which is sometimes more important than understanding each other. We got the words divorce and separate out of our vocabulary at the beginning of our relationship, BEFORE the ups and downs came into the picture. We got closer and closer to God and deeper and deeper into His Word. We created an "US". The "US" is more important than the individual me. That is marriage for us.

What if...You decide to love each other until "Death do us part"!!!

MARRIAGE Part 2

2007-04-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

There is a slogan that became popular in the '70's that had a very far reaching influence on how we think in this country. When I see the results, it doesn't seem to have been a very good influence. It was a simple and seemingly harmless slogan that totally caught the collective imagination of the nation and, in fact, the world. It is simply this: "If it feels good, DO IT!" That's all it said. If it feels good, do it. What could possibly be wrong with that, you might ask. Well, as people bought into that mindset ( and they did big time), the opposite also became true: "If it doesn't feel good, DON'T DO IT!" Thinking like that makes one very self centered over time. Everything becomes about self: Self pleasure; self-fulfillment; self satisfaction; self this, self that. Self everything except...Self Denial. So, we began to judge the value of things based on how we felt. Our feelings became the determining factor rather than truth. Truth became "relative". Again, based on how we felt at the time.

How did this mindset effect marriage? Well, people started to base the quality of their marriages and their love for one another on how they felt. As long as it felt good, the love was there. When it no longer felt good, they figured the love was gone so they split. Remember, this is a post '70's mentality based on the philosophy: "If it feels good, do it." When it stopped feeling good to them, they felt that they had no reason to be there. The famous (or infamous) departing line became all the rage: "We've just grown apart." "It doesn't feel good anymore." As a result of this type thinking, among other factors, the divorce rate shot up to 50%.

It is a false premise that marriage and love will always "feel good". The reality is that marriage doesn't always feel good. No matter how much in love you are, marriage doesn't always feel good. The thing is, just because it doesn't feel good at the moment or even for a stretch of time doesn't mean that the love is dead. Love is not based on how you feel, it is based on living up to a commitment that you made to love each other. In a wedding ceremony, there are vows taken. It is in style for couples to write their own vows. When I perform a wedding, I don't mind couples writing their own vows, but, I always encourage them to also use the traditional vows. While self writen vows are beautifully composed, there is usually no real substance to them. It is hard to beat "...in riches or poverty; in sickness or in health; in good times and in bad; for better or for worse; until death do us part..," That takes in everything and if you notice, the phrase, "If it feels good" is not included. Nor is the phrase, "If I feel like it." Real love has nothing to do with how you feel. You always do the acts of love whether you feel like it or not. Then you will have a strong marriage. Let me use an illustration. If you are a jogger, you have made a commitment to get up and jog everyday or whatever your schedule is. Now, you don't feel like doing it every day. But, because you have made a commitment to do it, you get up and go even when you don't feel like it. After a while, you warm up, you loosen up, you get into your stride and before you know it, you are enjoying it. What happened? You did the action and the feelings followed. That's the way it is in a marriage relationship. If you do the acts of love even when you don't feel like it, God will bless you with the feelings of love. You do the action and the feelings will follow 100% of the time.

Using the running analogy again, think of a marathon runner. Sometimes during the course of a race, distance runners will reach a point that they call "hitting the wall." When you hit the wall, it feels like you can't go another step. All of your energy is gone and you come to almost a complete mental and physical shut down. Most will stop at this point. But, there are some who struggle on. And in doing so a phenomenon happens. As they keep running, pretty soon they loosen up again. They get their muscle tone back. Energy returns and they get what's called a "second wind." Then they are able to finish the race in a strong fashion. In marriage, you are going to "hit the wall." But, if you stay the course, you will get your second wind and finish strong.

God chose to love us even when we were unlovable. Your mates will not always be lovable, but, you can chose to love them through that just as they can chose to love you through your unlovable moments. Love is a choice, not a reaction. When you understand that, you realize that you can make the choice to love as deeply as you want to. You choose to love your mates. That means they didn't do anything to earn it and because they didn't do anything to earn it, they can't do anything to lose it. Grown up love is a choice. Because it is a choice, you can love as deeply as you want for as long as you want. Which also means that you don't just "grow apart." You choose to stop loving.

Don't let your feelings fool you. I don't always feel like treating my wife in a loving way. But, I always do and my feelings always catch up. Your feelings will always adjust to your actions. Instead of, "If it feels good, do it" make it, "If I do it, it WILL feel good." So, stay the course and don't miss out on all of the love that's on the other side of the wall.

MARRIAGE

2007-04-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

My wife, Barbara, and I have been married for 33 years. We are more in love now than ever. In marriage, we discovered real romance. There is nothing particularly romantic about being a player. All you have to do is put on a show for couple of hours or days and then move on before the person your are with really gets to know you. But, to spend a life time with one woman making her feel like the most loved woman in the world, that's romance. To know the joy of overcoming, surviving and indeed thriving...That is real romance.

As a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I study the Bible regularly. It fascinated me to find that the Bible says more about romance in marriage than any other topic on marriage. There are a few scriptures on being a good parent; some on being a good provider and several other aspects of marriage. But, there is a whole book in the Bible on marital romance plus a volume of other scriptures. Finding this out surprised me because, since the '70's, all I heard about romance is that it doesn't last so, you have to be good friends. Friendship lasts, but romance doesn't. That was the word coming from psychologists, sociologists, marriage counselors, books, articles and even pastors. Romance doesn't last they said. So, you have to be friends with your mate. That sounded reasonable to me...Until I read the Bible. God's Word stresses romance big time. So, I took a second look at this friendship thing. I noticed that whenever I heard a news report about a couple getting a divorce, something was said over and over again: "We are getting a divorce. But, we are STILL FRIENDS." They are getting a divorce, but they are still friends. What happened? They left their friend at home and ran off with their lover.

In Biblical romance, friendship is automatically included. But, romance is not automatically included in friendship. To reduce your wife to simply being your best buddy is to ultimately reduce your marriage to mediocrity. No matter how buddy buddy the two of you become, your mate should always inspire a hunger in you. It's a choice that you make. You can and should choose to desire your wife, your husband. I spend time every day thinking about loving my wife. I spend time every day thinking about making love to my wife. So, when I get home from work, I am always excited to see my wife because she remains the object of my desire. She is my one and only fantasy. No one else belongs in that space in me. She is the only one to occupy myspace in that way.

We have reaped the benefits of staying the course and doing it God's way. He has blessed us with a love the neither of us ever imagined possible. Today, young couples give up so easily. Couples married over 25 years are becoming an endangered species. All happy couples that have been married over 25 years have war stories to tell. The thing is, we all stayed and won the war. You can to. Particularly if you do it God's way. My wife and I love God more than we love each other and He honors that love for Him by drawing us closer to each other. As we get closer to Him, we get closer to each other. I fall in love with God every day... I fall in love with my wife every day. That is real romance.

Welcome to "Conversations About Marriage"

2007-04-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to Conversations About Marriage. These blogs are based on conversations that I have had with my daughter, Maisha. God has blessed me with a truly beautiful daughter both inside and out and I wanted to share some life lessons with her. Any father who loves his daughter would do this. She encouraged me to write this blog so that others could benefit from our conversations. So, I share my thoughts with you in hope that someone might find something of value. All that I share is based on my study of the Bible. I am not a psychologist. I am simply a man who truly loves the Lord, Jesus Christ. As I study God's Word, I learn how to love and be loved. I share this with my daughter and now I'm sharing it with you.
My wife and I have been married for 33 years. Our love is stronger than ever. In this day of high profile divorces and marriages drowning in mediocrity, I want you to know that there is still such a thing as a good marriage. In fact, there is still such a thing as a great marriage. My wife and I are living proof that marriage, the great love affair, can and indeed will grow stronger as time goes on.
In reading these blogs, please remember that "LOVE IS" and without it, everything else is irrelevant.