EXAMINE YOURSELF

CHARLES H. PERKINS

EXAMINE YOURSELF

(2 Corinthians 13:5)  Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves.
2 Corinthians 13:5 you are told to examine yourself to see where you are in your faith.  In other words, where are you in your relationship with God? Do you truly love Him or are you just looking for a blessing? Do you get mad at God because something did not go your way? Is your faith deeper; is your love stronger? How is your prayer life? Do you study His Word to know Him better and to get closer to Him? Is your relationship with Him the top priority in your life? Examine yourself and see where your faith is. No matter where it is, do all you can to make it better.
As we go into this new year of 2020, if you are married, apply that same principle to your marriage.  Examine yourself and see where you are in your marriage.  Do you love your spouse more? Are you less critical and condescending?  How much of yourself do you give into the marriage to make it as good as possible. And I mean giving of yourself, not your money, doing duties around the house or the usual stuff you do every day in the hustle and bustle of life. You can do all of that stuff perfectly and still hate each other. I mean how much of you, your love, your compassion, your encouragement, your desire, forgiveness, patience do you give. Do you bring joy and peace into the relationship or are you like a vacuum cleaner and suck all of the joy and peace out of the relationship? After your relationship with God, is your relationship with your spouse your top priority? Examine yourself and see where you are in your relationship with your spouse.  You marriage is worth it. No matter where it is, do all you can to make it better.
Just as your love for The Lord should always grow, your love for your spouse should always grow.  Anything that doesn’t grow eventually stagnates and dies.  Again, examine yourself.

A Short Thought on Marriage Especially For Young Couples.

A Short Thought on Marriage Especially For Young Couples.

You found your way TO each other.  Now put in the time it takes to find your way WITH each other.

TILL DEATH DO US PART

CHARLES H. PERKINS

TILL DEATH DO US PART

(1 Peter 4:8) "And above all things have fervent love for one another, for 'love will cover a multitude of sins.' ”
 (Ephesians 5:15-16) “See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, 16 redeeming the time, because the days are evil.”
(Ephesians 4:26-27) 26 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil.”
Here lately, these passages have taken on a much deeper meaning for me regarding the application of their principles to marriage.  In the past couple of weeks, I have been to two funerals where husbands have lost their wives.  I starting thinking about how many men and women I know personally who have lost their spouses over the last few years. I was truly almost shocked when I realized how many there were.  There was a wide age range: young, middle aged and senior.  Some succumbed to lingering illnesses. Some died suddenly and unexpected.
 In thinking about all of this, 1 Peter 4:8 came to mind with its admonishment to love one another deeply because love covers a multitude of sin.  In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff.  And then I thought of Ephesians 5:15-16) pointing out the importance of not wasting time. Ephesians 4:26-27 reminds me of how important it is to protect my space (my mind) from silly thoughts and vain imaginations.
Reflecting on the people I know who have lost their spouses reminded me of just how precious time is and why it shouldn’t be wasted on silly time-stealing stuff. As I get older, time and space become more precious. It is through love that I protect my connection with my wife. I don’t know how much time I have left, but, I do know that I don’t have as much time going forward as I did in the past. I refuse to allow that time to be filled up with petty criticisms.  I refuse to allow my mind to be polluted with vain imaginations fueled by jealousy, suspicions and other things that would steal the joy I have in loving her. Every little criticism, every jealous thought, every negative comparison and such take away precious time and space from the enjoyment of loving your spouse.  I cannot give away that time and space.  I just don’t have the time.

GOD’S PROPERTY

Charles H. Perkins

GOD’S PROPERTY

(1 Corinthians 4:1-2) 1 “Let a man so consider us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. 2 Moreover it is required in stewards that one be found faithful.”
This passage is saying that a minister is a steward of God’s word (mysteries of God).  As such, He is required to be found faithful. That is, he is required to take care of and be mindful of how he shares God’s word with others.  He is not to misuse the word of God. His word is His property.  As a steward, he is a caretaker of the word, not the owner.  He is responsible before God concerning how he treats His property.  The underlying principal here is that the steward is to take good and proper care of the owner’s property.
Applying this principal to marriage, the husband is the steward of his family.  He is the steward, not the owner.  His wife is God’s property.  So, the question is, how is he treating God’s property?  Is he cheating on his wife (God’s property)? Does he abuse his wife (God’s property) physically and emotionally? Is he neglectful, demanding, condescending and just plain nasty toward his wife (God’s property)? Is he loving and kind toward his wife (God’s property)? Does he encourage his wife (God’s property)? Does he pray for his wife (God’s property)?  Does he make his wife (God’s property) feel beautiful and desirable?

Late Night Thought on Marriage

Charles H. Perkins

Late Night Thought on Marriage

(Ephesians 5:25)“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…”

Often when I talk about how I feel about my marriage, someone will say, “You are saying all of this good stuff. But, WHAT WOULD YOUR WIFE SAY IF SHE WERE HERE???!!! WOULD SHE SPEAK OF YOUR MARRIAGE LIKE YOU?” They always say it with such conviction.  And they hit me with the sharp eyed stare. I have always found that to be a rather humorous comment and question. First of all, I tell them that I don’t speak for my wife.  She is not a puppet.  She is quite capable of speaking for herself.  I can only speak for my part.  Would she say what I say? Does she love as much as I do.  No.  How could she?  Remember, we are Christians.  If I am loving her as Christ loves the Church, how could she love me as much as I love her?  Can the Church love Jesus as much as He loves the Church? Of course not.  So, if I am loving her as Christ loves the church, no matter how much she loves me, she will never love me more than I love her.  If she ever does, then I am not loving her enough.  I never stop growing in my love for her just as Christ never stops revealing His love for the Church.  So, as the Church can never catch up to Christ’s love, a wife should never be able to catch up to her husband’s love. That’s Bible.  And that is what I live by.

NO REGRETS

CHARLES H. PERKINS

NO REGRETS

A few months ago I was hosting a round table discussion on marriage. One of the young ladies in the group asked me a question that I really struggled to answer at the time.  It’s not that the answer was hard for me. It’s that I was concerned that my answer would sound a little pretentious. She asked me how I handled my regrets in my marriage.  The truth is I have no regrets. I tried to say that in a way that could sound believable, but, I found myself reaching which is something that I do not do normally.  Were there problems? Of course. Disappointments? Of course.  Misunderstandings? Of course.  Over the course of time those things come up. That’s life. But, we stayed the course and worked our way through the problems and disappointments.  We overcame the misunderstandings. Each situation was different so there is no one answer as to how we got through.  Some things went her way. Some things went my way. Some we compromised on. Some things had no answer so we just moved on.  All of that contributed toward me becoming the man that I am now. So there are no regrets.  All of the highs, all of the lows and everything in between helped to shape my life.  So, no regrets.  We both love and trust The Lord and His Word.  It says in Romans 8:28 that all things work together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.  We have definitely seen that work in our marriage these 46 years.  So, no regrets.  God has truly blessed us with each other. We value, protect and appreciate what we have in our marriage.

I think that as you get older, you value your marriage more. You realize that there is no time to waste on regrets. “Regret” is not a thought that even comes up. I sometimes believe that there in not a man in the world who has more joy in life than I have.  There is no one who is more at peace than I am.  There is no one who loves life more than I do.  I love my wife at a depth now that did not exist in me when I was young.  And the love continues to grow.  I enjoy loving her. I enjoy her company.  Young love is great. But a love that has matured has weathered some storms and is rooted and grounded in God’s Word makes young love look almost like hate in comparison.   In fact, there is no comparison. The more we read God’s Word, the more we learn to love. That is where we are now.  And the cool thing is the love continues to grow.  It has not hit a plateau.  It has not bottomed out. 

We just celebrated our 46^th anniversary.  I know other couples who have been married longer than us and are still very much in love.  As I said, young love is good. Old love is great.  When I share about our anniversaries I hope to inspire young couples to stay the course and reap the benefits of a long, fruitful love affair. I want them to see that there is such a thing as a strong, lasting, happy marriage. I particularly want them to see that there is such a thing as a Black Christian man who loves his wife more than anyone but God. There is such a thing as a Black Christian man who will be there loving his wife until his last breath. As you know, we don’t get great press in the media. So, young couples, I say to you: Don’t give in. Don’t give up. Don’t give out.  Love God! Love your spouse.

Short Thoughts on Marriage

CHARLES H. PERKINS 

 Short Thoughts on Marriage

A good marriage is not free. It costs you something. But, it is worth the price.

As opposed to thinking about "making love", do you ever think about how to make love happen?

Do you value your spouse's goals and aspirations as much as you want your spouse to value yours?

To the young and in love married couples: No matter how much you love each other now, it would be a shame if your love has reached its plateau. How terrible it would if your love never got any deeper or never rose to new heights. Love that doesn’t grow dies.

A short thought on understanding where your relationship is leading: There is a huge difference between someone telling you that he (she) wants you to be a PART of his (her) life as opposed to saying that he (she) wants to BUILD a life with you.

A short thought on marriage: Whenever my wife wants to feel beautiful, all she has to do is to look at me looking at her.

CONTEND FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

CHARLES H. PERKINS

CONTEND FOR YOUR MARRIAGE 

 (Jude 3) 3 “Beloved, while I was very diligent to write to you concerning our common salvation, I found it necessary to write to you exhorting you to contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints.”

When Jude wrote this, he was beseeching Christians to protect the truth of what they believed concerning Christ. He did not want their faith to become diluted with lies, distractions and other things that would get in the way of their relationship with their Lord and Savior. So, he tells them to contend for their faith.

Using this same principal, we should contend for our marriages. Do not let distractions, lies, temptations, bad attitudes or anything else come between you and your spouse. Part of contending is doing things on a regular basis to strengthen your marriage. Don’t wait until your relationship is in trouble to contend. Be proactive. Feed your love for one another. Enjoy each other. Don’t get so involved with your work that you become complacent with your marriage. Think about your spouse in a loving way constantly. Keep criticisms to a minimum. Pray for one another. Pray with each other. Be creative in the way you build your marriage. Continually grow in your love for one another. Anything that doesn’t grow eventually dies. No matter what you may disagree about never disagree about your relationship with each other. Whatever you disagree about, never personalize it or allow it to come between you. Agree that the two of you will always be together and then do what is necessary to make that happen in a good way. These are a few suggestions to spur you into coming up with your own ways of contending for your marriage. CONTEND FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

Marrying Down

CHARLES H. PERKINS

Marrying Down 

(Romans 12:3) For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.

Lately, I have been hearing people, both men and women, talking about the possibility of marrying down. The concept being is that they would marry someone making a lower salary and possibly having less education. For instance, a professional business woman making a high salary would consider herself “marrying down” if she married a truck driver. A college professor would consider himself marrying down if he married a high school grad. If you find yourself in the position of considering “marrying down”, please don’t do it. You will only wind up messing up someone’s life who loves you. You see, if to you, you are marrying down, that means you will probably be ashamed of your spouse around your friends. You will not want to let them know what he does for a living or what her level of education is. You will obviously feel superior. Consequently, you won’t truly value your spouse’s opinion on very much. You will find yourself thinking condescending thoughts leading to making condescending remarks. If you are a woman, you will probably become rude, controlling and bossy. You will try to play it off by claiming to be a “strong woman.” In reality, you are really just rude, controlling and bossy. If you are a man, you will become rude, controlling and bossy. You will try to play if off by claiming to be an intellectual with an “A” type personality. In reality, you are just rude, controlling and bossy. Strong, intelligent people know how to treat people; especially their spouses. Now, unless you married an idiot, your spouse will notice these things and there goes any chance for a fulfilling relationship.

Here is another side of this. If you get married to someone already thinking you are marrying down, you are right in terms of money, social status, education and such. But, you spouse is also marrying down in terms of character. You are showing poor character by your attitude. And, as stated before, you are just going to mess up someone’s life. And the worst part, you will most likely wind up finding (manufacturing) reasons to blame them for it. And the saddest part is, if you had married each other with the right attitude of acceptance, you wouldn’t be concerned about what others think. As time goes on, differences in education, salaries, social status and such will no longer matter. As you build a life together, you work through things, all sorts of things. You have to remember you did not marry a truck driver, you married a husband. You did not marry a high school grad. You married a wife. The same is true coming from the other direction. What you do for a living has very little to do with the making of a great marriage relationship. Don’t take my word for it. Pay attention for yourself to all of the educated, wealthy and connected people who go through multiple divorces. Look at all of the poor and middle class people that get divorced. Neither money nor the lack of it keeps marriages together. When possessions and social status are prominent in your relationship, you may as well go straight from the church to divorce court. Enjoy the ceremony and cut your losses right away. Save yourself and your spouse from all of the unnecessary pain and drama of what will most likely become a loveless marriage. If you have that “marrying down” attitude and you can’t find anyone in your financial, social and educational realm who wants to marry you, again, don’t get married and mess up someone else’s life. Marriage is hard enough without being with someone who has a superiority complex. There is hope, though. You can always change your view.

Thinking A Better Way

Charles H. Perkins

Thinking A Better Way

How much time do you spend thinking critical thoughts of your spouse compared to how much time you spend thinking loving thoughts of your spouse? If you honestly find yourself thinking thoughts like: “I love her, but…”; “If he would only…”; “I wish she would just…”; “He could be more…” I could go on with the types of critical and unflattering thoughts people allow to fill their minds, but, I think you get the picture. If unchecked, these types of thoughts can fill your mind to the point that these become the only thoughts you have of your spouse. In the beginning, they seem like harmless thoughts. But, over time, you allow yourself to get used to thinking that way. Fault finding becomes your default mode and you don’t even know how you got there. You may not even be aware that you are there. Once you fall into that “I love him (her), but…” mode, you have basically doomed your marriage relationship to one of mediocrity at best.

(2 Corinthians 13:5) “Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves.” This is an excellent scripture to put into use if you find your mind is filling up with these fault finding/criticizing thoughts. Examine yourself and see how you are thinking toward your spouse. See if you are purposeful in making sure there is a balance in your thinking or are you just on automatic pilot. Once you examine yourself and see where you are, take charge of your thoughts. Fill yourself with thoughts of love on a regular basis. You have to almost train yourself to think loving thoughts because you have probably allowed the critical thoughts to go on for so long that they seem the natural way to think. Plus, you never have to try to think fault finding thoughts. They come on their own if you don’t put a stop to it. Learn to enjoy mentally loving your spouse. Relish in it. The more you think of each other in loving ways, the more you will act toward each other in loving ways. That is real. Do not fall into the trap of the, “I love him (her) because…) way of thinking. It seems good, but, if there comes a time that your spouse cannot do what is on the other side of that “because”, that reason for loving her (him) dies. So, no “I love her (him) because…” Just, “I love him (her). Fall in love with loving each other. You will definitely enjoy it.

Misplaced Values

CHARLES H. PERKINS

Misplaced Values 

So often, relationships are defined based of their circumstances good or bad. We see this throughout the Old Testament looking at the how the Israelites relate to God. Time after time God greatly blessed them and time after time they either rebelled or ran after other gods. So, the relationship between God and the Israelites was constantly broken. Why? I think it was because the people loved the blessings of God more than they loved God. They valued the relationship with the blessings of God more than they did a relationship with the person of God.

We see the same concept in marriage. Couples quite often break up over misplaced values. People often tend to judge the success of their marriage based on what they accumulate, how much money they make, how successful their careers are, how they compare to other people and so much more. So, they are doomed to a mediocre marriage or a failed marriage. If they don’t have enough “stuff” they blame each other. If they have the stuff, they spend so much time nurturing it that they forget to nurture the relationship. Like the Israelites who turned away from God in both good times and bad times, couples turn away from each other. This happens when the success of the relationship is judged by circumstances rather than by the connection between the two parties involved. In order to have a right relationship with God, you have to love Him above and beyond your circumstances whether good or bad. In order to have a right relationship in marriage, the husband and wife have to love each other above and beyond their circumstances. When the connection is right, circumstances, good or bad, do not come between you.

One Accord…

More Thoughts on Marriage

One Accord…

Being on one accord and united doesn’t mean you won’t have disagreements.  It means the disagreements won’t come between you.

Communication is often thought to be the most important thing in a marriage.  We have to communicate to have a good relationship.  Couples having problems will say, “We are not communicating.”  I have a different take on that.  I think that there is always communication.  When one is not talking, he or she is saying, “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”  Unfriendly body language is communicating displeasure.  Everyday couples walk into court communicating loud and clear, “I want a divorce.”

The problem is not a lack of communication. It is a a lack of connection.When you stop connecting with each other, the communication turns sour.  Where there is connection, there is good communication. Remember, communication comes in many forms: talking; touching; the way you look at each other; just quietly experiencing each other’s presence and many more. When these acts of communication come out of true connection, then they are good and strengthening to bond of relationship.  When they come out of a broken connection, then they can be hurtful, indifferent, argumentative, bitter, hateful and destructive to the relationship. Good connection results in good communication.  Also it is important to be able to understand  and accept how your spouse communicates.  You may say “I love you” with words. Your spouse may say it with an act of love.  They both say, “I love you.”

Late night thoughts of an old preacher.

The Wedding Ceremony

The Wedding Ceremony

The marriage ceremony is an exact representation of Jesus coming for His Church. The groom represents Christ and the bride represents the Church. (Husbands love your wives even as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for it.-Eph. 2:25). 1Thes. 5:17 and 1Cor. 15:51-53 tells of Christ coming to take His Church out of the world. This is known as the “rapture”. The Church is changed and is also given new names. (Rev. 2:17)

Let’s look at the ceremony as it relates to the coming of Christ. The scene opens with the groom standing at the altar expectantly waiting to receive his bride. Christ is also waiting to receive His bride: The Church. The angels in Heaven rejoice when one is saved. Think how much they will rejoice when the church is raptured and Christ receives His Bride, the Church. Likewise, the Best man and the groomsmen all rejoice when the groom receives his bride.

When the Bride enters the church and walks down the aisle toward her husband at the altar, it’s like the Church being caught up to meet Christ in the air. She is walking down the aisle, leaving her old world and life behind and coming into a new world and life with her groom. She is, in effect, being raptured. Just before she steps up to the altar, her father gives her to the groom. Our Heavenly Father, in similar fashion, gave us to Jesus. After the exchanging of the vows, the groom puts a ring on her finger as a seal  signifying undying love. Jesus will always love us and the Holy Spirit seals us in His love. After the ceremony, the husband takes his new wife away to a wedding feast just as Christ takes His wife, the Church, to the marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev. 19:6-90).

Now, husbands and wives, if you will remember that you represent Christ and His relationship to His Church, you will have a standard by which to judge your treatment of each other. Right relationship with Christ always brings about right relationship with each other.

How Much Are You Willing to Give?

How Much Are You Willing to Give?

(Matt. 13:23) But he who received seed on the good ground is he who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and produces: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.”

Have you ever wondered why the some who receive the Word produce a hundredfold while some only produce sixty and others thirty?  They are all saved and yet there is this disparity.  I believe it comes from how much each gives of himself to the Lord.  The Lord only works with what you give over to Him.  He does not work with what you hold on to.  If you surrender 100% of yourself to Him, He will use that 100%.  If you decide to hold on to 40% for yourself, He will use the 60%.  If you hold on to 70% He will use the 30%.  Obviously, the one who gives the most will produce the most.

This principle is also true in marriage.  You only get out of it what you put in.  The more you give of yourself to the marriage, to the relationship, the stronger the relationship will be.  The deeper the love will be.  The more self-centered you are, the weaker the marriage will be.  How much of yourself are you willing to give into your marriage, the second most relationship of your life (Your relationship with The Lord being first)?

The Price

The Price

A good marriage is not free.
It costs you something.
But, it is worth the price!!!

THE LOVE THAT BINDS

THE LOVE THAT BINDS                                                                                                                                                             

There are four types of love expressed in the Bible. God has blessed us with the ability to use each form of love depending on the circumstance.

STORGE: LOVE OF FAMILY.  This type of love is shared between family members, parents and children, siblings, other relatives.  It is also shared between spouses.  The thing is, it is not unique to spousal love. While we love our spouses as family members, we also love other family members with that same type of love to one degree or another.

PHILEO: LOVE OF FRIENDS. Some claim their spouses to be their best friends.  That may be true.  But, just by using the word “best” indicates that there are other friends in their lives.  Most people have more than one friend.  So, again, friendship love is not unique to marriage.

AGAPE:  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE:  This is the highest form of love.  It is the type of love that God has towards us. We should love our spouses with this agape love—unconditionally.  Even if we do, for most of us, there are others who we love this way: parents, certain friends and relatives, our brothers and sisters in Christ.  Like the other forms of love, agape love is not unique to marriage.

EROS: ROMANTIC LOVE:  This is the one type of love that we should only share with our spouses.  No one else belongs in that space in our lives. While I love my wife as a family member, there are other family members who share in my “storge” love. My wife is my friend, but, I also have other friends that I love with the “phileo” love. Although I definitely love my wife unconditionally, there are others who fall under my “agape” love covering. But, when it comes to “eros”, romantic/erotic love, only my wife holds that place in my life.  She is my one and only lover. She is the object of my desire. Only she shares that depth of intimacy with me.  By the way, though sex is obviously involved in eros, it is so much more.  So very much more.  With all of the other forms of love, in marriage, eros is the love that binds.

Values…

A Short Thought on Marriage

Values…

Do you value your spouse's goals and aspirations

as much as you want your spouse to value yours?

Who Do You Say...

Another short thought on marriage...

Who Do You Say...

(Matt. 16:13-16) 13 When Jesus came into the region of Caesarea Philippi, He asked His disciples, saying, “Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?”

14 So they said, “Some say John the Baptist, some Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”

15 He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?”

16 Simon Peter answered and said, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

In this passage Jesus asked Peter two questions: 1) Who do people say that I am?  2) Who do you say that I am?

I would like to apply these questions to a marriage context. Based on how you talk about your spouse when he or she is not around, what do people who have not met your mate think of him or her? Who do you say your spouse is when you are at work or out with the boys or lunching with the girls? Will they say she is a nag? Will they say that he is lazy? Or will they envy your relationship because you speak of how great your spouse is? Is it possible that they don't even know you are married because you NEVER even mention having a spouse?  Who do you say your spouse is and how do others think of and speak of your mate based on what you say?

What Did You Bring?

A Question on Marriage

What Did You Bring?

When you decided to marry your spouse, what did you have in mind to bring to the marriage to make it as good as possible and how has that changed over the years?  I don’t mean things like money, possessions, or even children.  I mean, what of yourself did you want to give and how has that changed over the years?  If you are engaged, then the question would be what are you planning on bringing to the marriage to make it as good as possible?  If you have not considered that question, maybe you ought to do so—whether married or engaged.

The Target

A Short Thought on Marriage:

The Target

Think of a target. A target has several circles with a solid bull’s eye in the center.  If you pulled one of the circles out, it would have a hole in the middle.  However, if you pull the bull’s eye out, it is still solid.  The bull’s eye is the place where you and your spouse and God belong. No one else belongs in there…not the kids, not momma, not daddy or anyone else.  JUST YOU, YOUR SPOUSE AND GOD.  In the small, close circle surrounding the bull’s eye is where your children belong if you have any. In the next circle, your parents; then close friends and relatives.  As the circles get further from the bull’s eye, you can decide who belongs where.  People can move up or out further depending on the circumstances.  But, no one enters the bull’s eye except you, your spouse and God.  Just a thought.