There is a man who loves his wife. Yes, there is such a man. You would not know it by how men are portrayed in the mass media. But, he really does exist. Married men are usually portrayed as stupid, bumbling fools at best and as cheaters, wife beaters and murderers at worst. If they happen to be ministers, they also usually doubt their faith and are harsh and unloving. If they happen to be Black, they will do most of the above. If they happen to be black ministers, they will do all of the above. People watch these stereotypes over and over again until it is expected of men to be like that in real life. No one is surprised when the married minister runs off with the church money and the church secretary. “Are there any good men out there?” is almost a mantra now.
One of the reasons that I decided to start posting these blogs was to reassure people that there are men who truly do love their wives. I am one, but there are many more like me. Don’t allow the negative images of married men to frighten you away from a life of love. I know men of all races and occupations who are good husbands. I happen to be Black and I also happen to be a Christian minister. I am a man who was there during the early years when love was new. When our love was new, my wife would ask the question, “Do you love me?” New love, while exciting, is uncertain. It hasn’t stood the test of time. So, the question, “Do you love me?” is a valid one. I am also a man who stayed the course through the tough times to get back to the good times and to move on to the great times. I am still here and now our love is old. Old love is so much better than new love. The question, “Do you love me?” is not an issue anymore. She knows that I am still in love with her and I know that she is still in love with me. We don’t have to question our love anymore, we just enjoy it.
Yes, there is a man who spends everyday falling in love with his wife. There is a man, a minister, who loves God with his whole heart, mind and soul; a man, who through his love for the Lord, learned to love his wife unconditionally. There is a man, a Black man, who is not threatened by his wife’s accomplishments, but, rather, encourages her to be all that she wants to be. After all of these years, there is a man whose love for his wife is still growing. I want you to know that there is a man whose wife still feels beautiful when he looks at her; a man whose wife still feels desired by him more than ever. In the movies, all you basically see are black men who are hustlers, cheaters, players, and gamers. You see men who are afraid of commitment. You see men who are afraid of marriage because they fear they might miss out on the next best thing that comes along. In other words, you see a long list of stupid, selfish, unsure of themselves boys (Oops, I mean men). But, I want you to know that in real life, there is a man, a Black man, who loves his wife. There is a man who is committed to that love to the end.
In the movies, you see ministers portrayed as being foolish, uncertain of their faith in hard times, cheaters, thieves, cultists and worst. But, in real life, there is a man who truly loves the Lord; a man who understands what it means Biblically to be a Christian. There is a man, a Black man, a minister, who is truly surrendered to the Lord and committed to serving Him. Yes, there is such a man. I am that man. In fact, I am just one of a great many men who love God and love their wives. I am not unique by any means. We don’t get much press, but, we do exist. There is a man who can look at his wife and say, “After all of these years, I am still so very much in love with you.”
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Am I Sexy Enough For You?
Some women spend a lot of money, time and energy in the name of looking cute and sexy. Low cut tops to show off their cleavage, and short dresses and skirts to show off their legs are quite common. And that is the problem, it is QUITE COMMON. It is seen so much, that one blends into another. There is always another sexy, cute girl around the corner. You see, sexy and cute appeal to the eye. Sexy never gets past the eye of most men. And the eyes have no memory. The eyes focus on what’s in front of them at the moment. Out of sight, out of mind. That is the essence of cute and sexy. Sexy will always get attention, but it almost never holds interest. And you don’t hear grown men referring to a woman that he is interested in as being “cute.” Cute is for boys, not men. Men use words like attractive, beautiful, sensual and many other ways to describe a woman of interest. But, not cute. Cute is reserved for boys and girls.
The woman that holds a man’s attention is the one who gets past his eyes and into his head. Sexy and cute very seldom get into a man’s head. There is a difference between being sexy, which is contrived and made up and having sex appeal, which flows naturally from the woman’s character. Men remember women who are self aware and self confident. Sexy is only self centered. Self confident-self centered: Be aware of the difference. A sexy woman tries to dress to make her self look good. A self aware woman makes what ever she wears look good. She understands that clothes don’t make the woman, the woman makes the clothes. She is not into fad, she is into style. And her style is personal. It fits her. She is the one who will get past the eyes of a man and get into his head. He knows that there is not another “her” right around the corner.
Sexy, at the most, leads to a booty call. Class and style lead to relationships. Taking care of how she looks is automatic for a self confident woman. So, her whole life is not about how she looks. She also is interested in other people and develops a sense of humor about her self. She is usually easy to talk to. I am not talking about cookie cutter, stamped out women who all think and act alike. These are just general qualities that are usually found in self confident women to one degree or another. How they play out in each particular woman is different. They will have different tastes in clothes, foods, music, humor, etc. One could be dressed in a sweat shirt and jeans and the other in an evening gown and they could have vastly different personalities. But, both will still exhibit that easy self confidence, that sense of self that goes way beyond the taste in clothes. And they will both get past the eyes of a man and into his head, though for very different reasons.
Toys are cute. You don’t want to be just another cute plaything for some man who still thinks like a boy. Men look at cute and sexy, no doubt. But, there is no long term attraction to cute and sexy because more is always on the way. Cute and sexy is like icing without the cake: Sweet, but no substance. You get tired of sweet with no substance very quickly. Men may look at “sweet” and may even want to taste “sweet,” but, they are attracted to substance. Again, I am talking about men, not boys.
I am not posting this to put any woman down regardless of how she dresses. I am simply sharing some facts of life that I shared with my daughter. Women sometimes think they know what men want. I am telling you what they really want. You are free to dress and act any way that you like. But, remember, if you only reach the eyes, it’s out of sight, out of mind. If you really want to impress a man, don’t try. Just be yourself and you will get past his eyes and into his head.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
How We Met...The Beginning
I remember the most important parts of the night well. I was at a wedding reception, having as nice a time as you can have at a wedding reception. I thought about the fact that I lived close to the event and decided to have an impromptu party. I was always a good party host and could put a party together very quickly if necessary. So, I spread the word that there would be an after party and to come on by. Now, I did not know any of the people at the affair except the bride and groom, so, I wasn’t sure who would show up. I just figured that whoever did come, we would all have a good time. I left the reception and headed for the store to get some party starting supplies. I bought some Bali Hai pineapple wine and some 7UP to make some punch. I got some chips and dip to munch on and headed home to prepare for my guests, who ever they might be.
People started to drift in and avail themselves of the punch and chips. They danced and were having a good time. I was sitting in a chair facing my front door and greeting folks as they came. All of a sudden, I saw this long, brown leg step up on my porch. The rest of the body followed and suddenly standing at my door was this tall ~Black Is Beautiful~ sista with wire framed glasses and an Angela Davis styled natural that seemed to be moving to the music. As she stuck her head inside the door, she asked, “Is this the party?” I remember thinking, “Now it is.” But, I simply replied, “Yes.” She came in and became the party for me. I did not see her at the reception, but, now, I couldn’t see anyone but her. She had my undivided attention from that moment on. One of the most popular Doo Wop songs of all time is the piece “I Only Have Eyes For You” by the Flamingos. At that moment, I can truly say that I only had eyes for her.
We talked and danced and talked some more. I found out that she was a senior at San Jose State University planning to become a teacher. Since she was in college, I knew that she had most probably only been dating college boys. So, being a man, I didn’t view them as any possible competition for her affections should it progress that far. The more we talked, the more I wanted to really get to know her. To this day, I don’t remember anything about anyone else at the party. I have no idea how many people came. I don’t know if they enjoyed themselves. I don’t know when they left. I do know that she was there and I was there and we connected. Everything else, everyone else was irrelevant. I actually met the love of my life in my own living room.
She was only in town for the wedding and had to leave to go back to school the next day. So, before she left the party, I got her address so that I could write to her. We wrote back and forth and when she would come into L.A. to visit her family, we would get together. Time went on and we eventually fell in love. Now, I was just coming out of a divorce and the last thing I thought about was getting into a relationship. And I definitely wasn’t looking for a wife. But, I knew that she was one that I shouldn’t let pass. One day, we went out for a ride and came back married. We have been together ever since.
Obviously, we had to over come some things. We almost broke up a couple of times. But, we decided to stay the course. And when we decided to do it God’s way through His Word, our relationship and our love took off and continues to soar to greater heights. So, after over 30 years, I can look at her and still say, as the song says, “I Only Have Eyes For You!!!”
People started to drift in and avail themselves of the punch and chips. They danced and were having a good time. I was sitting in a chair facing my front door and greeting folks as they came. All of a sudden, I saw this long, brown leg step up on my porch. The rest of the body followed and suddenly standing at my door was this tall ~Black Is Beautiful~ sista with wire framed glasses and an Angela Davis styled natural that seemed to be moving to the music. As she stuck her head inside the door, she asked, “Is this the party?” I remember thinking, “Now it is.” But, I simply replied, “Yes.” She came in and became the party for me. I did not see her at the reception, but, now, I couldn’t see anyone but her. She had my undivided attention from that moment on. One of the most popular Doo Wop songs of all time is the piece “I Only Have Eyes For You” by the Flamingos. At that moment, I can truly say that I only had eyes for her.
We talked and danced and talked some more. I found out that she was a senior at San Jose State University planning to become a teacher. Since she was in college, I knew that she had most probably only been dating college boys. So, being a man, I didn’t view them as any possible competition for her affections should it progress that far. The more we talked, the more I wanted to really get to know her. To this day, I don’t remember anything about anyone else at the party. I have no idea how many people came. I don’t know if they enjoyed themselves. I don’t know when they left. I do know that she was there and I was there and we connected. Everything else, everyone else was irrelevant. I actually met the love of my life in my own living room.
She was only in town for the wedding and had to leave to go back to school the next day. So, before she left the party, I got her address so that I could write to her. We wrote back and forth and when she would come into L.A. to visit her family, we would get together. Time went on and we eventually fell in love. Now, I was just coming out of a divorce and the last thing I thought about was getting into a relationship. And I definitely wasn’t looking for a wife. But, I knew that she was one that I shouldn’t let pass. One day, we went out for a ride and came back married. We have been together ever since.
Obviously, we had to over come some things. We almost broke up a couple of times. But, we decided to stay the course. And when we decided to do it God’s way through His Word, our relationship and our love took off and continues to soar to greater heights. So, after over 30 years, I can look at her and still say, as the song says, “I Only Have Eyes For You!!!”
Thursday, May 17, 2007
What's My Job
When we see words in the Bible such as “pastor,” “bishop”, “apostle,” “priest” or “prophet,” they were not merely titles. In fact, for the most part, they were not titles at all. They were job descriptions. Rather than speaking of what a person called himself, they spoke of the job that person was called by God to do. For instance, you never read of Paul referring to himself as “Apostle Paul.” He always says, “Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ.” Just as you would not say, “Here’s Plumber Joe,” but, rather, “Here is Joe, the plumber.” It was not until centuries later that the job descriptions became more of a title. As a result, today we have too many ministers that are living on the title. What we need is more ministers who live up to the job description. Yes, these words are much more than mere titles.
In this same pattern of thought, we have men today who act as if the word “husband” is merely a title. They want the title without the substance that goes along with it. They think of themselves as “husbands” only in the sense that they now have a wife to serve them. They now have someone to control. When they are out chasing other women, being a husband becomes a matter of convenience. If they are married, they don’t have to make a real commitment to the women that they are playing around with. It’s just another con game. They string women along with the “promise” that they will get a divorce as soon as it is possible. The thing is, getting a divorce never becomes possible.
Just a side thought here for the ladies reading this. Ladies, don’t think that you can change him. If he is cheating on his wife, the only reason he will leave her is that she finally catches on and leaves him. Then he may come to you. But, if he does, beware because he will probably do the same to you: Cheat on you and try to control you. That’s his nature. You can’t change it. There is an old Oscar Brown, Jr. song called “The Snake.” It is about a woman on her way to work on a winter morning. She is walking through the park on her way to the bus stop when she comes across a half frozen, almost dead snake. She feels sorry for the snake. She takes him home and nurses him back to health. Every day she rushes home from work to see how the snake is doing. One day she comes home to find the snake all laid back in the easy chair listening to some soft jazz and sipping some lemonade. She is so glad to see that the snake is well. She picks him up and hugs him close and tells him how happy she is. Just then, the snake opens his mouth and bites her. She screams at the snake and asks him how he could treat her this way after all she has done for him. “You know your bite is poisonous and I will surely die,” she says. “Oh, shut up silly woman,” the snake said with a grin. “You knew darn well I was a snake before you took me in!”
Now back to the story. As men, we are called to do much more than just saying we are a husband. We are called to be a husband. We are called, if you will, to live up to the job description and not just live on the title. When the Bible tells us to become one flesh with our wives and to love our wives as Jesus loved the church, those are not suggestions. Those are commands. Those are standards that are set for us. Those are God’s expectations of us. Paul, Peter, John and others recognized the call of God on their lives. They expressed that calling through their love for God and through their actions in serving Him. As men, we are to recognize the call of God on our lives as husbands. And, likewise, we express that calling through our actions by loving God and our wives and by serving both. As leader of the church, Jesus said that He did not come to be served, but rather, to serve. We are to follow His example. This serving is done out of love, not out of duty. You simply do it because you love your wife enough to do it.
Being a husband should mean something to you. It should define who you are. Other than your relationship with God, your marriage is the most important relationship that you have. Treat it that way. Don’t just claim to be a husband. BE A HUSBAND. Being a husband is like anything else that you do. It is a process. You grow into it. You continually tweak it. But, first, you have to have the desire to be it. If you have ever played a sport or a game that you really liked, you trained and practiced until you became better at it. The more you trained, the better you became. Being a better husband is no different. Put in the time, the effort, the desire and you will become better. There is no one set pattern for all men to follow because all men do not think alike. So, whatever it takes for you to be a better husband, as the gospel of Nike says, “Just Do It!” God is good. While He sees us and loves us corporately, He also sees us and loves us as individuals. So, He will work with you and in you to do what is necessary for Him to work through you. Ultimately, it is Him working through you that will make you the best husband that you can be. As husbands, we just have to follow His lead.
In this same pattern of thought, we have men today who act as if the word “husband” is merely a title. They want the title without the substance that goes along with it. They think of themselves as “husbands” only in the sense that they now have a wife to serve them. They now have someone to control. When they are out chasing other women, being a husband becomes a matter of convenience. If they are married, they don’t have to make a real commitment to the women that they are playing around with. It’s just another con game. They string women along with the “promise” that they will get a divorce as soon as it is possible. The thing is, getting a divorce never becomes possible.
Just a side thought here for the ladies reading this. Ladies, don’t think that you can change him. If he is cheating on his wife, the only reason he will leave her is that she finally catches on and leaves him. Then he may come to you. But, if he does, beware because he will probably do the same to you: Cheat on you and try to control you. That’s his nature. You can’t change it. There is an old Oscar Brown, Jr. song called “The Snake.” It is about a woman on her way to work on a winter morning. She is walking through the park on her way to the bus stop when she comes across a half frozen, almost dead snake. She feels sorry for the snake. She takes him home and nurses him back to health. Every day she rushes home from work to see how the snake is doing. One day she comes home to find the snake all laid back in the easy chair listening to some soft jazz and sipping some lemonade. She is so glad to see that the snake is well. She picks him up and hugs him close and tells him how happy she is. Just then, the snake opens his mouth and bites her. She screams at the snake and asks him how he could treat her this way after all she has done for him. “You know your bite is poisonous and I will surely die,” she says. “Oh, shut up silly woman,” the snake said with a grin. “You knew darn well I was a snake before you took me in!”
Now back to the story. As men, we are called to do much more than just saying we are a husband. We are called to be a husband. We are called, if you will, to live up to the job description and not just live on the title. When the Bible tells us to become one flesh with our wives and to love our wives as Jesus loved the church, those are not suggestions. Those are commands. Those are standards that are set for us. Those are God’s expectations of us. Paul, Peter, John and others recognized the call of God on their lives. They expressed that calling through their love for God and through their actions in serving Him. As men, we are to recognize the call of God on our lives as husbands. And, likewise, we express that calling through our actions by loving God and our wives and by serving both. As leader of the church, Jesus said that He did not come to be served, but rather, to serve. We are to follow His example. This serving is done out of love, not out of duty. You simply do it because you love your wife enough to do it.
Being a husband should mean something to you. It should define who you are. Other than your relationship with God, your marriage is the most important relationship that you have. Treat it that way. Don’t just claim to be a husband. BE A HUSBAND. Being a husband is like anything else that you do. It is a process. You grow into it. You continually tweak it. But, first, you have to have the desire to be it. If you have ever played a sport or a game that you really liked, you trained and practiced until you became better at it. The more you trained, the better you became. Being a better husband is no different. Put in the time, the effort, the desire and you will become better. There is no one set pattern for all men to follow because all men do not think alike. So, whatever it takes for you to be a better husband, as the gospel of Nike says, “Just Do It!” God is good. While He sees us and loves us corporately, He also sees us and loves us as individuals. So, He will work with you and in you to do what is necessary for Him to work through you. Ultimately, it is Him working through you that will make you the best husband that you can be. As husbands, we just have to follow His lead.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
The Life I Write About
There is an old B.B. King song that says, "I want to live the life that I sing about in my song." I have always loved that thought because I want to live the life that I write about in my poetry, articles and music. So far, the Lord has blessed me to do just that. I have had a great life. Every father wants his children to have a better life than he had. I want the same for my children. I know that they will eventually have more money than me. I never made a lot of money. I know that they will have nicer houses than I do. I have a nice house but, I know that theirs will be nicer at some point. They will definitely own more things than I do. But, I'm not sure that it is possible for them to have a better life than I have had. I hope that they have as good of a life as I have. When I think about it, I have done everything that was important to me so far. From 4 years old, I wanted to be a musician and entertainer. I did that for over 20 years. I wanted to travel. I have done that and still have borders to cross. I wanted a wife that I could truly love and grow old with loving as deeply a possible. I have a wife that is forever young and has continued to love an old dude like me just as I love her for over 30 years. I have a son, daughter and granddaughter that I love and they return to me the love that I have for them. I wanted a relationship with God, a strong loving relationship with Him. I have that. My love for the Lord eventually led me to wanting to go into ministry. I am doing that. So, I have all that is important to me in life so far.
Being aware of what is important in life is a top priority for anyone. In marriage, this awareness is particularly important. The job, the career, the education, the house…all of that is important. But, the relationship is of supreme importance if you want a good or great marriage. With my wife and me, everything flows out of our relationship with God. It is through our relationship with Him that we relate to one another. As we get closer to Him, we get closer to each other.
In these articles, I am not trying to write a bunch of "how to" essays. I don't want to present "Marriage in 12 Easy Steps", "The 1, 2, 3's of Marriage" or "The ABC'S of Marriage." I am just trying to challenge you to think differently about your marriage. I want you to recognize what a wonderful opportunity you have to do something really special in the sharing of your life with another person. In living the life that I write about, I have grown to love both God and my wife more than I ever dreamed possible. I think this combination is the greatest gift parents can give to their children. When your children see you living a life of love for God and living a life of love for each other, that is a great gift. They know that it is possible to stay faithful to God and they know that a happy marriage is possible. It gives them a high standard to aspire to. It gives them hope. And, they most probably won't settle for just anything just to be married. My hope and prayer is that my children can find as much joy and contentment in both God and marriage as I have.
I truly hate the high divorce rate that we have now. And, just as much, I hate the mediocrity that has crept into marriages these days. I hate the idea that people have settled for this with the frame of mind that there is nothing they can do about it. Young people are afraid to get married these days because of the lousy marriages that they see around them. Older married people feel trapped in poor relationships with no way out. I am writing these blogs with the hope that someone will be inspired and encouraged by the fact that there are good and indeed great marriages out here. I am hoping that no matter how long you have been married you will want to make it better. If it is bad, make it good. If it is good, make it great. Do what ever it takes to fix what ever is wrong. That may mean counseling. It will definitely mean praying. And in the end, it will take change. And the change has to be in you.
Start writing and living your own love song or poem. Become the husband, become the wife that you need to be to take your marriage to the next level. Fall in love with one another all over again and write a new love song for your lives together. Again, this is just a couple of thoughts as to why I am writing these blogs. I love a good marriage. When my daughter asked me to publish this series of blogs, my only wishes were that someone would learn to love God more and someone would learn to love his or her spouse more. I hope that is happening.
Being aware of what is important in life is a top priority for anyone. In marriage, this awareness is particularly important. The job, the career, the education, the house…all of that is important. But, the relationship is of supreme importance if you want a good or great marriage. With my wife and me, everything flows out of our relationship with God. It is through our relationship with Him that we relate to one another. As we get closer to Him, we get closer to each other.
In these articles, I am not trying to write a bunch of "how to" essays. I don't want to present "Marriage in 12 Easy Steps", "The 1, 2, 3's of Marriage" or "The ABC'S of Marriage." I am just trying to challenge you to think differently about your marriage. I want you to recognize what a wonderful opportunity you have to do something really special in the sharing of your life with another person. In living the life that I write about, I have grown to love both God and my wife more than I ever dreamed possible. I think this combination is the greatest gift parents can give to their children. When your children see you living a life of love for God and living a life of love for each other, that is a great gift. They know that it is possible to stay faithful to God and they know that a happy marriage is possible. It gives them a high standard to aspire to. It gives them hope. And, they most probably won't settle for just anything just to be married. My hope and prayer is that my children can find as much joy and contentment in both God and marriage as I have.
I truly hate the high divorce rate that we have now. And, just as much, I hate the mediocrity that has crept into marriages these days. I hate the idea that people have settled for this with the frame of mind that there is nothing they can do about it. Young people are afraid to get married these days because of the lousy marriages that they see around them. Older married people feel trapped in poor relationships with no way out. I am writing these blogs with the hope that someone will be inspired and encouraged by the fact that there are good and indeed great marriages out here. I am hoping that no matter how long you have been married you will want to make it better. If it is bad, make it good. If it is good, make it great. Do what ever it takes to fix what ever is wrong. That may mean counseling. It will definitely mean praying. And in the end, it will take change. And the change has to be in you.
Start writing and living your own love song or poem. Become the husband, become the wife that you need to be to take your marriage to the next level. Fall in love with one another all over again and write a new love song for your lives together. Again, this is just a couple of thoughts as to why I am writing these blogs. I love a good marriage. When my daughter asked me to publish this series of blogs, my only wishes were that someone would learn to love God more and someone would learn to love his or her spouse more. I hope that is happening.
Monday, May 7, 2007
A Couple of Thoughts on Men
These are just some random thoughts about how men view women.
"…man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." (1Sam. 16:7)
Some men are "leg" men. Some men are "breast" men. Some are "butt" men. A lot of men are very good at seeing the female form. They can appreciate it in all aspects. They have their likes and dislikes about the physical features of a female. They judge a woman's worth based on her form and how much she meets their criteria for physical beauty. They can see the female but, they cannot see the woman inside the female. While they can easily see and appreciate the outer beauty of the female (which will fade over time), they have no idea of how to see and appreciate the beauty of the woman inside the female (which continues to grow over time). When a man can look past a woman's breasts and look into her eyes, that is great. When a man can look past a woman's eyes and look into her soul, it's even greater. That means that he is paying attention to her. That means that he is truly trying to see her for who she is and not just for how she looks. If a man only or mainly knows her by her physical attributes and marries her, the marriage is doomed to mediocrity or failure if he doesn't get to really know the woman within. She will know if his love for her is mainly based on how she looks. That won't be enough for either of them in a very short while. After all, how long can a conversation last about physical beauty? Once you have said it, "You're beautiful", how many more times can you say it during the course of a day? It gets old quick. A man's wife should always feel beautiful when he looks at her. It doesn't matter that she has gained a couple of pounds, or has become gray or what ever the current condition is.
Yes, physical looks are important. We (man or woman) shouldn't allow ourselves to get sloppy in our appearance. But, for true lasting romantic love in marriage, it has to go way beyond the looks. The Bible tells men to love their wives in knowledge. That doesn't mean ignoring her looks, but, it does mean knowing the woman beyond the looks. Get to know the woman inside of the female. Know that person's beauty. Make that person feel beautiful. The rewards for both you and your wife will be great.
"For as he thinks in his heart, so he is." (Prov. 23:7)
My daughter once told me that a man told her that she would make a good politician's wife. I wondered if he also thought that he would make a good poet's husband? Was he even aware that she is a poet? If so, did he expect her to stop being a poet to accommodate his needs? So often, some men tend to think of their wives as accessories to their careers. You put on your pants, your socks and shoes, your shirt and tie, your jacket with a handkerchief in the breast pocket. And, oh yes, you put on your wife. No wife wants to feel on par with a neck tie. I told my daughter that if she were to marry this man or anyone else, she is not marrying a politician, she is marrying a husband. If he doesn't understand the difference, then he will never be a husband until he does understand. A simple fact is, in order to be a husband, you have to first think like a husband. You can't be a successful husband and still think like a single man. It won't work. You are not single anymore. If you want to think single, stay single. But, if you get married, you have to think married. Your wife has to be someone to you more than an asset to your career. You are not a politician, pastor or lawyer at home. You are a husband. That means that you have to be concerned about your wife's concerns.
Some people say that when they get married, they are not going to change. They plan to keep on doing whatever they were doing before they got married. I tell them not to get married. They will just mess up someone's life for no reason. They are already planning for failure. Why bring someone else into that mess? When you say that you are getting married, you are saying by default that you want to change your life. That is why you are getting married. It is not that you have to stop being you. It's just that when you get married, you become a new you. You have to take time to get to know and develop that new you. You have to learn to think differently. You have to learn to think like a husband. Then you will treat your wife like a wife and not like an accessory.
"…man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." (1Sam. 16:7)
Some men are "leg" men. Some men are "breast" men. Some are "butt" men. A lot of men are very good at seeing the female form. They can appreciate it in all aspects. They have their likes and dislikes about the physical features of a female. They judge a woman's worth based on her form and how much she meets their criteria for physical beauty. They can see the female but, they cannot see the woman inside the female. While they can easily see and appreciate the outer beauty of the female (which will fade over time), they have no idea of how to see and appreciate the beauty of the woman inside the female (which continues to grow over time). When a man can look past a woman's breasts and look into her eyes, that is great. When a man can look past a woman's eyes and look into her soul, it's even greater. That means that he is paying attention to her. That means that he is truly trying to see her for who she is and not just for how she looks. If a man only or mainly knows her by her physical attributes and marries her, the marriage is doomed to mediocrity or failure if he doesn't get to really know the woman within. She will know if his love for her is mainly based on how she looks. That won't be enough for either of them in a very short while. After all, how long can a conversation last about physical beauty? Once you have said it, "You're beautiful", how many more times can you say it during the course of a day? It gets old quick. A man's wife should always feel beautiful when he looks at her. It doesn't matter that she has gained a couple of pounds, or has become gray or what ever the current condition is.
Yes, physical looks are important. We (man or woman) shouldn't allow ourselves to get sloppy in our appearance. But, for true lasting romantic love in marriage, it has to go way beyond the looks. The Bible tells men to love their wives in knowledge. That doesn't mean ignoring her looks, but, it does mean knowing the woman beyond the looks. Get to know the woman inside of the female. Know that person's beauty. Make that person feel beautiful. The rewards for both you and your wife will be great.
"For as he thinks in his heart, so he is." (Prov. 23:7)
My daughter once told me that a man told her that she would make a good politician's wife. I wondered if he also thought that he would make a good poet's husband? Was he even aware that she is a poet? If so, did he expect her to stop being a poet to accommodate his needs? So often, some men tend to think of their wives as accessories to their careers. You put on your pants, your socks and shoes, your shirt and tie, your jacket with a handkerchief in the breast pocket. And, oh yes, you put on your wife. No wife wants to feel on par with a neck tie. I told my daughter that if she were to marry this man or anyone else, she is not marrying a politician, she is marrying a husband. If he doesn't understand the difference, then he will never be a husband until he does understand. A simple fact is, in order to be a husband, you have to first think like a husband. You can't be a successful husband and still think like a single man. It won't work. You are not single anymore. If you want to think single, stay single. But, if you get married, you have to think married. Your wife has to be someone to you more than an asset to your career. You are not a politician, pastor or lawyer at home. You are a husband. That means that you have to be concerned about your wife's concerns.
Some people say that when they get married, they are not going to change. They plan to keep on doing whatever they were doing before they got married. I tell them not to get married. They will just mess up someone's life for no reason. They are already planning for failure. Why bring someone else into that mess? When you say that you are getting married, you are saying by default that you want to change your life. That is why you are getting married. It is not that you have to stop being you. It's just that when you get married, you become a new you. You have to take time to get to know and develop that new you. You have to learn to think differently. You have to learn to think like a husband. Then you will treat your wife like a wife and not like an accessory.
Oops...My Bad!
Ever since I have been a Christian, I have heard people ask some form of this question: "If God is so good, then how can He allow so much evil in the world?" When people ask that question, they seem not to be aware that the answer is in the question itself. "How can God allow...(whatever)?" God allows it. He doesn't cause it. He gave us a free will to choose to love Him or to choose not to love Him. He gave us a free will to choose to do the right thing or to choose not to do the right thing. God tells us to feed the hungry. We choose to throw it into the ocean in order to control prices. He tells us to walk in peace and we choose to make war. He tells us to love and we choose to hate. We make choices and then we blame God for the consequences of our choices. If God forced us to love, then it would not truly be love and we would, no doubt, rebel against Him for taking away our freedom of choice. If we want freedom of choice, we have to be able to accept the responsibility of the consequences of our choices and stop blaming God.
We tend to do the same thing in marriage. We make statements like, "YOU made me mad." "YOU made me cheat." "YOU made me hit you." "YOU made me…!" We do something wrong and we want to blame our spouses for our actions. "I wouldn't have done this to you if you hadn't done that." It is an amazing fete of con artistry. You do or say something hurtful to your spouse and then present yourself as the victim. "It's YOUR fault that I hurt you!" Just as we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning God, we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning our spouses. It's a way of controlling the marriage. If you can con your spouse into apologizing for putting you in a position to hurt her (him), then you are always in control. No matter what you do (wrong), you are not to blame. The truly amazing thing is how many people buy into that stuff. They feel guilty because they "forced" their spouses to hurt them.
It is way past time for people to grow up and accept responsibility for their own actions in their marriage. If you hurt your spouse, it is your fault. If you never accept responsibility for your actions, then you can never change your actions. Just as people know the right thing to do in society at large and choose not to do it, the same is true in marriage. You know the right thing to do and don't. You know if you are lying. You know if what you are saying is hurtful. You know if you are cheating. You know. Yet, you choose not to do the right thing. Greed, pride and selfishness cause people to misuse others in society. These are reasons that countries invade other countries, companies overcharge and under service, and the hungry and sickly are not given any attention. These are also some primary reasons that marriages fail. Greed, pride and selfishness brought into the marriage will kill it every time.
I know that with all of the delicate sensibilities of peoples' psyches, this is not as simple as I am making it sound. There are all sorts of variables in relationships that bring about a lot of actions and reactions. Peoples' lives are complicated. Relationships are complicated. But, the fact remains: you know when you purposely hurt someone. You know when you purposely wrong someone. Greed, pride and selfishness will make you blame your victim for your actions. In a marriage, this spells “Doom”. Change starts with admitting that you are wrong. But, it doesn't stop there. Just admitting that you are wrong and not changing anything is just another con game. If you don't change, what good does it do to admit guilt? Your spouse already knows that you are wrong so you're not telling him (her) anything new. What your wife or husband wants to know is how you are going to change your actions. This is not about going to "confession" to get it off your chest. It is not about "cleansing your soul" by telling the truth. It is about making positive change in your life to be a better husband, a better wife. It is about stopping the con game, not adding to it. Admitting that you are wrong and not changing is like putting on a pot of boiling water. You get a whole lot of action, but in the end, all you have is a pot full of hot steam.
Jesus said, "If you love Me, obey My commandments." James said, "Faith without works is dead." In others words, put some actions behind your words. "I was wrong" requires an "I will do right." "I will do right" requires accompanying right actions.
I often hear the old "I know I was wrong, BUT…" stories. "I know I was wrong but she did…" "I know I was wrong, but, if he only would have…" You do wrong in response to what your spouse did. The thing is, you can't help what your spouse did or said, but you can control your reactions to it. You are still in control of you. You can still make right choices. I'm not saying that it is always easy to make the right choice. But, it is always better to make the right choice.
Marriage is a fragile matter in the beginning years. There are habits that both parties have to change in order to make the relationship work at it highest level. Blaming your spouse for what you do wrong is one of the main things that needs to change as soon as possible. Once you start blaming, it gets easier and easier to do it. You get hung up on the control it gives you and you even start to believe your own press about you being the "real victim". When you reach that point, you are not only deceiving your spouse, you are deceiving yourself just as we deceive ourselves when we blame God for what we do. While you are living in this self-deceived state, it becomes easier to hurt your spouse. After all, it's really not your fault. She (he) made you do it. If you don't change, your marriage will be, at best, mediocre for you, painful for your spouse, and will probably end in divorce. "Oops!...My Bad" without change is a waste of good breath. A good marriage requires a change of bad habits. How much are you willing to change?
We tend to do the same thing in marriage. We make statements like, "YOU made me mad." "YOU made me cheat." "YOU made me hit you." "YOU made me…!" We do something wrong and we want to blame our spouses for our actions. "I wouldn't have done this to you if you hadn't done that." It is an amazing fete of con artistry. You do or say something hurtful to your spouse and then present yourself as the victim. "It's YOUR fault that I hurt you!" Just as we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning God, we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning our spouses. It's a way of controlling the marriage. If you can con your spouse into apologizing for putting you in a position to hurt her (him), then you are always in control. No matter what you do (wrong), you are not to blame. The truly amazing thing is how many people buy into that stuff. They feel guilty because they "forced" their spouses to hurt them.
It is way past time for people to grow up and accept responsibility for their own actions in their marriage. If you hurt your spouse, it is your fault. If you never accept responsibility for your actions, then you can never change your actions. Just as people know the right thing to do in society at large and choose not to do it, the same is true in marriage. You know the right thing to do and don't. You know if you are lying. You know if what you are saying is hurtful. You know if you are cheating. You know. Yet, you choose not to do the right thing. Greed, pride and selfishness cause people to misuse others in society. These are reasons that countries invade other countries, companies overcharge and under service, and the hungry and sickly are not given any attention. These are also some primary reasons that marriages fail. Greed, pride and selfishness brought into the marriage will kill it every time.
I know that with all of the delicate sensibilities of peoples' psyches, this is not as simple as I am making it sound. There are all sorts of variables in relationships that bring about a lot of actions and reactions. Peoples' lives are complicated. Relationships are complicated. But, the fact remains: you know when you purposely hurt someone. You know when you purposely wrong someone. Greed, pride and selfishness will make you blame your victim for your actions. In a marriage, this spells “Doom”. Change starts with admitting that you are wrong. But, it doesn't stop there. Just admitting that you are wrong and not changing anything is just another con game. If you don't change, what good does it do to admit guilt? Your spouse already knows that you are wrong so you're not telling him (her) anything new. What your wife or husband wants to know is how you are going to change your actions. This is not about going to "confession" to get it off your chest. It is not about "cleansing your soul" by telling the truth. It is about making positive change in your life to be a better husband, a better wife. It is about stopping the con game, not adding to it. Admitting that you are wrong and not changing is like putting on a pot of boiling water. You get a whole lot of action, but in the end, all you have is a pot full of hot steam.
Jesus said, "If you love Me, obey My commandments." James said, "Faith without works is dead." In others words, put some actions behind your words. "I was wrong" requires an "I will do right." "I will do right" requires accompanying right actions.
I often hear the old "I know I was wrong, BUT…" stories. "I know I was wrong but she did…" "I know I was wrong, but, if he only would have…" You do wrong in response to what your spouse did. The thing is, you can't help what your spouse did or said, but you can control your reactions to it. You are still in control of you. You can still make right choices. I'm not saying that it is always easy to make the right choice. But, it is always better to make the right choice.
Marriage is a fragile matter in the beginning years. There are habits that both parties have to change in order to make the relationship work at it highest level. Blaming your spouse for what you do wrong is one of the main things that needs to change as soon as possible. Once you start blaming, it gets easier and easier to do it. You get hung up on the control it gives you and you even start to believe your own press about you being the "real victim". When you reach that point, you are not only deceiving your spouse, you are deceiving yourself just as we deceive ourselves when we blame God for what we do. While you are living in this self-deceived state, it becomes easier to hurt your spouse. After all, it's really not your fault. She (he) made you do it. If you don't change, your marriage will be, at best, mediocre for you, painful for your spouse, and will probably end in divorce. "Oops!...My Bad" without change is a waste of good breath. A good marriage requires a change of bad habits. How much are you willing to change?
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