35...2

It’s been a grand thing being in love with my wife for the past 35 years. Loving someone that deeply cannot happen without taking a look into yourself. When I take that close of a look into myself, I see the times that I haven’t quite lived up to what I had hoped to be as a husband and a father. I remember the look of encouragement in my wife’s eyes when I would come home from an audition and didn’t get the gig. I also remember times when I saw the look of “how are we going to pay rent” in her eyes when I didn’t get the gig. Through the years, I have always wanted to bring happiness and joy into her life. Yet, there were still times that I brought pain into the life of the person that I love more than life.

Seeing my son grow up was a great joy to me. He is my pride. I am grateful for the man that he is today. Still, as he was growing into that man, I felt helpless as he made some unwise choices for his life. I had helped others, some of them I didn’t even know. Yet, I couldn’t seem to find the right words or actions to reach my own son at the time.

I remember when my daughter was born. I held her and promised that I would never let anyone hurt her. But, when her heart was broken, all I could do was tell her the old cliché about time healing her heart. Though that was the truth, I wanted to be able to make the pain go away. But, no matter how much I love her and want to protect her, I couldn’t stop the pain.

No husband who truly loves his wife wants to bring pain into her life. No father ever wants to be unable to help his children. But, after 35 years of loving my wife, loving my children, I clearly see my failures. I know there have been disappointing moments that were caused by my failures. Love is not blind. It lets you know the fullness of who you are.

I thank the Lord that during these thirty-five years, I have brought more joy than pain to my wife and children. I have brought more encouragement, and comfort than disappointments. I have brought more love than failure. Being a husband and father doesn’t mean you are perfect. Being a true husband and father means you keep trying until you get it as close to right as you can. Then you continue to make it better as much as you can for as long as you can. I have never stopped growing in my love for my wife, my son, my daughter. I will continue to love them with all that is in me to love. I know that, being just a man, I will probably disappoint them again; but never intentionally. I hope those times will be few and far between. Hopefully, they will continue to see and experience my constantly growing love for them.

This is not meant to be a “true confessions” type of piece. It is meant to point out how good and great marriages overcome some things to become that way. Marriages that work don’t just happen. We make them happen by staying the course and continuing to give whatever it takes of ourselves to make it work. We never give in to the failures and disappointments. We never give up on us.

As We Approach 35...1

It was no surprise

When I woke up this morning

So very much in love with you.

After all, I went to sleep last night

The same way…

So very much in love with you.

Shhhhh…Don’t move.

I just want to look at you…

I want to drink in every drop of you…

To feel every touch of you…

To hear every sound of you…

To breathe the very scent of you…

Indeed, to breathe the very breath

Of a life being spent

In love with you.

So, again, it’s no surprise

To wake up loving you.

Loving you is

What I do.

…………………………

As we approach our 35^th year of marriage, there is a scripture that comes to mind. It speaks of the outer man perishing while the inner man grows stronger each day. That is how I feel about me in our relationship. We have been married for almost 35 years and that means that I am 35 years older also. The outer man perishes while the inner man grows stronger.

I am a step or two slower than I used to be and yet, my heart races faster than ever at the very thought of you. While my eyesight is not as keen as it used to be, I still get a thrill at the sight of you. I sometimes forget a line to a poem that I wrote or the next chord to a song that I am playing, but, I will never forget our first kiss. No matter how tired I get, I never get tired of loving you. I am no where nearly as strong as I used to be, but, here is the thing: My love for you is stronger than ever.

As we approach our 35^th year, I am so very glad to be approaching it with you.

Why I Stay Married

There is a movie out now called “Why Did I Get Married?” My wife and I saw it and we enjoyed it. In fact, everyone I know who saw it has enjoyed it. However, as I thought about the theme of the movie, I realized that on a personal level, the question, “why did I get married?” has no meaning for me. It may have had meaning thirty years ago, but now…? I have long since known why I got married. Now it’s about why I stay married. The answer is not complicated. It is simply that I love my wife. As a husband, I had to learn to live up to that love.
As a Christian, I am told to love my wife as Christ loves the church. Jesus said that He would never leave us or forsake us. If I am to love like Him, then I will never leave nor forsake my wife. I figured that if I am going to be here anyway, I may as well learn to love her as deeply as possible. After all of these years, I still haven’t hit rock bottom. My love for my wife is still growing deeper and deeper. God doesn’t set limits on His love for me, so, I don’t set limits on my love for her.
There are many great old love songs and great lines from those songs that help to express what I am trying to convey in this article. For instance, “In this world, where many people play at love, but, not too many stay in love, I’m Glad There Is You.” Or, “Here I Am and here I’ll stay…loving you.” “I love all the many charms about you. Above all, I want my arms around you…My sweet embraceable you.” “The mere idea of you, the longing here for you…You’ll never know how slow the moments go ‘till I’m near to you…” How about, “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face…heard your laughter…held you close…kissed your lips.” “Our Love Is Here To Stay” because you are my “Endless Love.” When I see the “Look of Love” in my wife’s eyes, I am glad that look is for me. “A Song For You” says, “I love you in a place where there is no space or time.” So, again, my love for you has no limits. “That’s The Time I Feel Like Making Love To You” is saying that no matter the time or the circumstances, you are always the object of my desire. That’s all because… “This Guy’s In Love With You.”
Why I stay married is not the question. The question is “Why would I not?”

"34"

There are over 7,000,000 references to the number “34” on the internet. There are also over 3,000,000 references to “Sept. 5^th” on the web. That’s a lot of information on those two items: 34 and Sept. 5^th. However, it is the combination of the two of that interests me. Barbara and I celebrate our 34^th anniversary today, Sept. 5^th, 2007. 34 years, and the Lord has blessed us to still be more in love than ever.

“Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." (Song Of Solomon 2:7).

Over thirty years ago, love was awakened in us. We have continued to stir it up and it continues to please. We were new and love was new and fresh. That was the beginning. It was good. Because we were so different, there were those who thought we would not last. Who knows? Maybe in another 30 years or so, they may be right. But, right now, as the old song says, Our Love Is Here To Stay!!! Yes, love was new and fresh back then. It was unproven and untested. The years have passed and with time, our love has matured and become well seasoned. It has stood and withstood the test of time. New and fresh is good. Mature and seasoned is better…When it comes to love.

“I am my Beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”(S.O.S. 6:3). “The Daughters saw her and called her blessed.”(S.O.S. 6:9).

God gave us to each other. I am hers and she is mine. It is a simple understanding of that fact that causes love to continue to grow. Again, I think of the line in the old song, You’re mine and we belong together. I have always wanted my wife to feel special because of the love that I have for her. I want her to know and be confident in the fact that I am hers and hers alone. I want her to feel that ours is a love worth having. I want others to look at us and call her blessed because of our love. I want other couples to be inspired to love each other more because of the deep love that they see in us. The first time I saw her, I looked at her through eyes of infatuation. It was the college girl I was fascinated with. Now, I look at the woman through eyes of an ever deepening love. When others see me looking at her, I want them to see the look of love for her in my eyes and call her blessed.

“Set me as a seal upon your heart…”(S.O.S. 8:6).

My love covers her heart and her love covers mine. It is a seal that has protected our relationship all of these years. My heart is a place where only she belongs. She’s in me, I am in her and we are sealed by love in each others hearts. With the dawn of each new day comes a new opportunity for love to grow. So, our love is both new and old. In its newness, it is continually seeking, exploring, discovering, growing, building. New love is exciting. Old love has grown deep and is established on a solid foundation. It is comfortable, reliable, forgiving, understanding. Old love is the “just the two of us” kind of love. Old love gives life and assurance to new love. Old love is exciting.

“I am my Beloved’s and my desire is toward her.”(A paraphrase of S.O.S. 7:10). “…rejoice with the wife of your youth. …Let her breasts satisfy you at all times and be ravished always with her love.”(Prov. 5:18-19).

After all of these years, she still fascinates me. She still infatuates me. She still inspires a hunger in me that only she can satisfy. She is the wife of my youth. Now, she is the love of my life. I rejoice in the very thought of her. After all these years, hers are still the only lips that I want to kiss. Hers is the only body that fits in my embrace. Is she my friend? Yes she is. But, I have other friends. She, however, is my one and only Lover. My desire is truly toward my Beloved. I do rejoice in her, because of her and with her. Her breasts and all that goes with them do satisfy me at all times and I am and forever will be ravished with her love. I am my Beloved’s and my desire is toward her.

There are so many things that I could say about our marriage. But, it’s really all very simple. Everything that I could say comes down to this:

Barbara, after 34 years of marriage, after all these years, I do love you…STILL.

Second Chances

There is an old saying that God is a God of the “second chance.” You see that in the Bible with people such as Abraham. Sometimes you see a 3rd, 4th and 5th chance, as with David. And then you can lose count of the chances as with Peter. Most of the heroes of the Bible needed several chances before they got it right.

We can see the same thing in marriages. Sometimes several chances are needed to get it right. I personally know of couples where adultery, severe arguments, fights and other mayhem went on during the marriage. But second, third, fourth and fifth chances were given. YET, they were able to get it right and went on to have long fruitful, happy relationships. In order for the second chance to work in a marriage, there has to be two things: REPENTANCE and FORGIVENESS. It cannot work unless both are present. And both have to be motivated by love. I am not saying that either one is necessarily easy in some cases. I am saying that BOTH are necessary in all cases.

Sometimes-- most times, people confuse repentance with being sorry. They are not the same. Just being sorry is not enough. Just being sorry doesn’t bring about change. You can be sorry that you got caught but not sorry for the pain you caused. Being sorry is not enough. Repentance has an element of sorrow in it obviously. But it doesn’t stop there. To repent means to make a 180 degree turn from what you are doing. It means to change behavior. Depending on what you did, that may mean changing your attitude; changing your conversation; changing your actions; changing your habits. It may mean getting rid of old (or new) acquaintances. Whatever you are doing to hurt the marriage has to stop and you have to do something in its place to build up the marriage. It is not good enough to just stop doing something harmful. You have to start doing something helpful. Be proactive in making the relationship better. True repentance means changing your ways. You can be sorry. You can “admit you were wrong.” You can do all of that and more. But, to paraphrase an old song, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that change.”

I have always believed that in order for love to work you have to be willing to take some risks. True forgiveness is one of those risks. When you forgive, there is no real guarantee that your spouse will truly repent. But what is guaranteed is that the relationship can never work unless true forgiveness is present. If you are constantly throwing the past up in your spouse’s face, how can he or she move on in true repentance? If you are constantly placing guilt trips on your spouse, what would be the motivation? How can love grow? How can the relationship be restored? You have to forgive, and at some point, move on. Let it go! Your love won’t grow until you let go of the pain, the disappointment, the failure. At some point you have to stop the “wait and see” process-- Stop making your spouse “prove” himself or herself and start contributing to making the relationship better. If you are going to stay in the marriage, it only makes sense to do what you can to make it work. Just as the repentant has to be proactive in the rebuilding process, so does the forgiver.

Neither repentance or forgiveness is an easy process. But, the thing is, both forgiveness and repentance are processes for us to live our best lives. As we are going through the process, we sometimes fall short. Sometimes we mess up. We fall down BUTwe get back up again. We help each other to get up again. That is why the forgiver gives the repentant chance after chance to get it right. That is why the repentant gives the forgiver chance after chance to get it right. The Bible says that love never fails. This statement has only been made about LOVE. It doesn’t say “faith never fails,” or “miracles never fail,” or anything else. It says “LOVE NEVER FAILS.” Love never fails because LOVE NEVER QUITS!!!

It's Just A Piece Of Paper

“We don’t need a marriage license to show our love. It’s just a piece of paper!” I have lost count of how many times I have heard this over the years. “It’s just a piece of paper.” Those who say that often declare that they are doing their own thing. They are being different… Not adhering to the norm and so on. They don’t seem to realize that they've just stopped being like one group to act like another group. They are like the people who wear spiked hair to be different. They are not different. They are just like everyone else who wears spiked hair. With some of everything being done by so many different people, it is very difficult to be different. And living together without being married is hardly “different” these days.

“It’s just a piece of paper” they say. The deed to your house is “just a piece of paper.” Your apartment lease agreement, your car registration, your check on payday, your driver’s license and so many more things qualify under the title of “just a piece of paper.” But you make sure that you have these in place, and you are very protective of them. High school diplomas, certificates of completion, college degrees are all “pieces of paper.” But, they are highly valued. Shouldn’t you value the most important relationship in your life at least as much as you do your house, car, or level of education?

Our marriage certificate gives my wife rights to all of my “stuff.” If I should die before she does, she is protected. Unmarried couples don’t have this protection unless they draw up a lot of legal documents. And if they are going to do all of that, they may as well get married. It is a lot simpler. When you sign any contract, there are conditions that you have to live up to in order for the contract to remain valid. The contract in essence gives you a goal to strive for. A marriage contract is no different. There are terms. You agree to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and bad times; in sickness and in health; whether rich or poor; until death do you part. That is the goal that you are shooting for. You want to live up to the contract. We lived together for three years before we got married. We thought we loved each other and we did. But, once we took the marriage vows and got the “piece of paper,” we found that the old love was but a mere shadow of the love that developed once we were married. There is no comparison.

My marriage license is a symbol of the love and life that I will share with my wife until the day that I die. It is just a piece of paper that declares to the world that I am my beloved’s and she is mine. It’s just a piece of paper that is a symbol of a relationship that means so much more to me than the wood and plaster of a house or the tin, plastic and rubber of a car. It’s just a piece of paper that reminds us of why we are together when we want to go… So we stay, and build, and grow. It’s just a piece of paper that gives her access to a place and space of peace and rest in me… a place where only she can come.

It is just a piece of paper that says that I will live up to the commitment to love my wife no matter what happens in my life. It’s just a piece of paper that I take seriously. Because of that piece of paper, I have joy. It IS just a piece of paper. But, it is the most important piece of paper that I have.

Heavenly Marriage

Ever since I have been a Christian, I have been excited about the idea of Heaven. I used to wonder why most of the Christians I knew were not excited about Heaven. Yeah, they want to go there, but they aren't as pumped up about it as they are about getting a new car or a new house. This has always seemed strange to me since Eternal Life, Heaven, is the primary thing that Jesus talked about. It is the primary reason He died on the cross. Yet, it seems that Christians spend very little time thinking about what Jesus spent most of His time talking about. Then it occurred to me that maybe the reason for the lack of interest is that so few Christians know how much the Bible says about Heaven. They get most of their concepts of Heaven from the movies and cartoons. I have to admit, the idea of sitting around on a cloud playing a harp for eternity is not very appealing. In the Bible, Heaven is described as a “kingdom” which indicates power and prominence; a “country” which gives the idea of identity; a “city” which brings to mind culture, creativity and productivity. And obviously, whatever is there is better than places like New York, Rome or Tokyo or Jesus would not have died to give us entry to it. Heaven will not be boring.

These days, people seem to be as uninterested in marriage as they are in Heaven. And for the same reason: They have a very watered down idea of what marriage is. I hear young men speaking of not wanting to “end their lives yet.” They don’t want to get “tied down.” They don’t want to “miss out” on something. They are afraid that they will get married and have to do the same things every day. The funny thing is, most of them are already doing the same things every day. They go out and hit on a lot of different women. But, they want to do the same thing with the women. They go to a lot of different places. But, they do the same thing every place they go. They are creatures of habit. They just don’t know it. In a real marriage, there is love and in love there is freedom. There is no sense of restriction. You are free to truly build a life together.

Building a relationship with another person is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do. Once you learn to think past the things you would do on your own, you can start to truly develop a meaningful and fulfilling bond with your spouse. What I mean by that is there are certain things you are going to do whether you married or not. You are going to work. You will have some place to live. If you want to, you will go to college. You will have some form of transportation. Marriage may determine how and when you do these things, but even if you were not married you were going to do them anyway. So, to think past these is to realize that, while important, these things won’t make or break your marriage unless you let them. Your marriage is above and beyond what you do for a living, where you live, how educated you are or what kind of a car you drive. Remember-- rich, educated, Mercedes driving folks get divorced more than poor people.

The rewards and excitement of marriage start with realizing that the relationship is about the two of you and not about what you have or don’t have. It is really that simple. We tend to complicate matters by adding conditions that don’t belong in the mix. Learning to love one another is a lifetime experience. Growing in that love is a lifetime joy. Appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, comforting, forgiving, anticipating and desiring one another are all part of the satisfying nature of marriage. Yes there will be problems. So what? If you stayed single for the rest of your life, guess what? There will be PROBLEMS. That’s just part of life. When you are single, you deal with the problems and move on. When you are married, you deal with the problems and move on.

For people who base their happiness in marriage on what they accumulate, marriage will become a dull boring experience. For people who base their happiness in marriage on building their relationship, marriage will continue to be fulfilling and satisfying. When you understand what to base your marriage on, you won’t fear getting married. As a Christian, I believe that God created marriage just as the Bible teaches. God did not create anything to be boring and dull. That includes Marriage and Heaven.