Late Night Thought on Marriage

Charles H. Perkins

Late Night Thought on Marriage

(Ephesians 5:25)“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…”

Often when I talk about how I feel about my marriage, someone will say, “You are saying all of this good stuff. But, WHAT WOULD YOUR WIFE SAY IF SHE WERE HERE???!!! WOULD SHE SPEAK OF YOUR MARRIAGE LIKE YOU?” They always say it with such conviction.  And they hit me with the sharp eyed stare. I have always found that to be a rather humorous comment and question. First of all, I tell them that I don’t speak for my wife.  She is not a puppet.  She is quite capable of speaking for herself.  I can only speak for my part.  Would she say what I say? Does she love as much as I do.  No.  How could she?  Remember, we are Christians.  If I am loving her as Christ loves the Church, how could she love me as much as I love her?  Can the Church love Jesus as much as He loves the Church? Of course not.  So, if I am loving her as Christ loves the church, no matter how much she loves me, she will never love me more than I love her.  If she ever does, then I am not loving her enough.  I never stop growing in my love for her just as Christ never stops revealing His love for the Church.  So, as the Church can never catch up to Christ’s love, a wife should never be able to catch up to her husband’s love. That’s Bible.  And that is what I live by.

NO REGRETS

CHARLES H. PERKINS

NO REGRETS

A few months ago I was hosting a round table discussion on marriage. One of the young ladies in the group asked me a question that I really struggled to answer at the time.  It’s not that the answer was hard for me. It’s that I was concerned that my answer would sound a little pretentious. She asked me how I handled my regrets in my marriage.  The truth is I have no regrets. I tried to say that in a way that could sound believable, but, I found myself reaching which is something that I do not do normally.  Were there problems? Of course. Disappointments? Of course.  Misunderstandings? Of course.  Over the course of time those things come up. That’s life. But, we stayed the course and worked our way through the problems and disappointments.  We overcame the misunderstandings. Each situation was different so there is no one answer as to how we got through.  Some things went her way. Some things went my way. Some we compromised on. Some things had no answer so we just moved on.  All of that contributed toward me becoming the man that I am now. So there are no regrets.  All of the highs, all of the lows and everything in between helped to shape my life.  So, no regrets.  We both love and trust The Lord and His Word.  It says in Romans 8:28 that all things work together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.  We have definitely seen that work in our marriage these 46 years.  So, no regrets.  God has truly blessed us with each other. We value, protect and appreciate what we have in our marriage.

I think that as you get older, you value your marriage more. You realize that there is no time to waste on regrets. “Regret” is not a thought that even comes up. I sometimes believe that there in not a man in the world who has more joy in life than I have.  There is no one who is more at peace than I am.  There is no one who loves life more than I do.  I love my wife at a depth now that did not exist in me when I was young.  And the love continues to grow.  I enjoy loving her. I enjoy her company.  Young love is great. But a love that has matured has weathered some storms and is rooted and grounded in God’s Word makes young love look almost like hate in comparison.   In fact, there is no comparison. The more we read God’s Word, the more we learn to love. That is where we are now.  And the cool thing is the love continues to grow.  It has not hit a plateau.  It has not bottomed out. 

We just celebrated our 46^th anniversary.  I know other couples who have been married longer than us and are still very much in love.  As I said, young love is good. Old love is great.  When I share about our anniversaries I hope to inspire young couples to stay the course and reap the benefits of a long, fruitful love affair. I want them to see that there is such a thing as a strong, lasting, happy marriage. I particularly want them to see that there is such a thing as a Black Christian man who loves his wife more than anyone but God. There is such a thing as a Black Christian man who will be there loving his wife until his last breath. As you know, we don’t get great press in the media. So, young couples, I say to you: Don’t give in. Don’t give up. Don’t give out.  Love God! Love your spouse.

Short Thoughts on Marriage

CHARLES H. PERKINS 

 Short Thoughts on Marriage

A good marriage is not free. It costs you something. But, it is worth the price.

As opposed to thinking about "making love", do you ever think about how to make love happen?

Do you value your spouse's goals and aspirations as much as you want your spouse to value yours?

To the young and in love married couples: No matter how much you love each other now, it would be a shame if your love has reached its plateau. How terrible it would if your love never got any deeper or never rose to new heights. Love that doesn’t grow dies.

A short thought on understanding where your relationship is leading: There is a huge difference between someone telling you that he (she) wants you to be a PART of his (her) life as opposed to saying that he (she) wants to BUILD a life with you.

A short thought on marriage: Whenever my wife wants to feel beautiful, all she has to do is to look at me looking at her.

CONTEND FOR YOUR MARRIAGE

CHARLES H. PERKINS

CONTEND FOR YOUR MARRIAGE 

 (Jude 3) 3 “Beloved, while I was very diligent to write to you concerning our common salvation, I found it necessary to write to you exhorting you to contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints.”

When Jude wrote this, he was beseeching Christians to protect the truth of what they believed concerning Christ. He did not want their faith to become diluted with lies, distractions and other things that would get in the way of their relationship with their Lord and Savior. So, he tells them to contend for their faith.

Using this same principal, we should contend for our marriages. Do not let distractions, lies, temptations, bad attitudes or anything else come between you and your spouse. Part of contending is doing things on a regular basis to strengthen your marriage. Don’t wait until your relationship is in trouble to contend. Be proactive. Feed your love for one another. Enjoy each other. Don’t get so involved with your work that you become complacent with your marriage. Think about your spouse in a loving way constantly. Keep criticisms to a minimum. Pray for one another. Pray with each other. Be creative in the way you build your marriage. Continually grow in your love for one another. Anything that doesn’t grow eventually dies. No matter what you may disagree about never disagree about your relationship with each other. Whatever you disagree about, never personalize it or allow it to come between you. Agree that the two of you will always be together and then do what is necessary to make that happen in a good way. These are a few suggestions to spur you into coming up with your own ways of contending for your marriage. CONTEND FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

Marrying Down

CHARLES H. PERKINS

Marrying Down 

(Romans 12:3) For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.

Lately, I have been hearing people, both men and women, talking about the possibility of marrying down. The concept being is that they would marry someone making a lower salary and possibly having less education. For instance, a professional business woman making a high salary would consider herself “marrying down” if she married a truck driver. A college professor would consider himself marrying down if he married a high school grad. If you find yourself in the position of considering “marrying down”, please don’t do it. You will only wind up messing up someone’s life who loves you. You see, if to you, you are marrying down, that means you will probably be ashamed of your spouse around your friends. You will not want to let them know what he does for a living or what her level of education is. You will obviously feel superior. Consequently, you won’t truly value your spouse’s opinion on very much. You will find yourself thinking condescending thoughts leading to making condescending remarks. If you are a woman, you will probably become rude, controlling and bossy. You will try to play it off by claiming to be a “strong woman.” In reality, you are really just rude, controlling and bossy. If you are a man, you will become rude, controlling and bossy. You will try to play if off by claiming to be an intellectual with an “A” type personality. In reality, you are just rude, controlling and bossy. Strong, intelligent people know how to treat people; especially their spouses. Now, unless you married an idiot, your spouse will notice these things and there goes any chance for a fulfilling relationship.

Here is another side of this. If you get married to someone already thinking you are marrying down, you are right in terms of money, social status, education and such. But, you spouse is also marrying down in terms of character. You are showing poor character by your attitude. And, as stated before, you are just going to mess up someone’s life. And the worst part, you will most likely wind up finding (manufacturing) reasons to blame them for it. And the saddest part is, if you had married each other with the right attitude of acceptance, you wouldn’t be concerned about what others think. As time goes on, differences in education, salaries, social status and such will no longer matter. As you build a life together, you work through things, all sorts of things. You have to remember you did not marry a truck driver, you married a husband. You did not marry a high school grad. You married a wife. The same is true coming from the other direction. What you do for a living has very little to do with the making of a great marriage relationship. Don’t take my word for it. Pay attention for yourself to all of the educated, wealthy and connected people who go through multiple divorces. Look at all of the poor and middle class people that get divorced. Neither money nor the lack of it keeps marriages together. When possessions and social status are prominent in your relationship, you may as well go straight from the church to divorce court. Enjoy the ceremony and cut your losses right away. Save yourself and your spouse from all of the unnecessary pain and drama of what will most likely become a loveless marriage. If you have that “marrying down” attitude and you can’t find anyone in your financial, social and educational realm who wants to marry you, again, don’t get married and mess up someone else’s life. Marriage is hard enough without being with someone who has a superiority complex. There is hope, though. You can always change your view.

Thinking A Better Way

Charles H. Perkins

Thinking A Better Way

How much time do you spend thinking critical thoughts of your spouse compared to how much time you spend thinking loving thoughts of your spouse? If you honestly find yourself thinking thoughts like: “I love her, but…”; “If he would only…”; “I wish she would just…”; “He could be more…” I could go on with the types of critical and unflattering thoughts people allow to fill their minds, but, I think you get the picture. If unchecked, these types of thoughts can fill your mind to the point that these become the only thoughts you have of your spouse. In the beginning, they seem like harmless thoughts. But, over time, you allow yourself to get used to thinking that way. Fault finding becomes your default mode and you don’t even know how you got there. You may not even be aware that you are there. Once you fall into that “I love him (her), but…” mode, you have basically doomed your marriage relationship to one of mediocrity at best.

(2 Corinthians 13:5) “Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves.” This is an excellent scripture to put into use if you find your mind is filling up with these fault finding/criticizing thoughts. Examine yourself and see how you are thinking toward your spouse. See if you are purposeful in making sure there is a balance in your thinking or are you just on automatic pilot. Once you examine yourself and see where you are, take charge of your thoughts. Fill yourself with thoughts of love on a regular basis. You have to almost train yourself to think loving thoughts because you have probably allowed the critical thoughts to go on for so long that they seem the natural way to think. Plus, you never have to try to think fault finding thoughts. They come on their own if you don’t put a stop to it. Learn to enjoy mentally loving your spouse. Relish in it. The more you think of each other in loving ways, the more you will act toward each other in loving ways. That is real. Do not fall into the trap of the, “I love him (her) because…) way of thinking. It seems good, but, if there comes a time that your spouse cannot do what is on the other side of that “because”, that reason for loving her (him) dies. So, no “I love her (him) because…” Just, “I love him (her). Fall in love with loving each other. You will definitely enjoy it.

Misplaced Values

CHARLES H. PERKINS

Misplaced Values 

So often, relationships are defined based of their circumstances good or bad. We see this throughout the Old Testament looking at the how the Israelites relate to God. Time after time God greatly blessed them and time after time they either rebelled or ran after other gods. So, the relationship between God and the Israelites was constantly broken. Why? I think it was because the people loved the blessings of God more than they loved God. They valued the relationship with the blessings of God more than they did a relationship with the person of God.

We see the same concept in marriage. Couples quite often break up over misplaced values. People often tend to judge the success of their marriage based on what they accumulate, how much money they make, how successful their careers are, how they compare to other people and so much more. So, they are doomed to a mediocre marriage or a failed marriage. If they don’t have enough “stuff” they blame each other. If they have the stuff, they spend so much time nurturing it that they forget to nurture the relationship. Like the Israelites who turned away from God in both good times and bad times, couples turn away from each other. This happens when the success of the relationship is judged by circumstances rather than by the connection between the two parties involved. In order to have a right relationship with God, you have to love Him above and beyond your circumstances whether good or bad. In order to have a right relationship in marriage, the husband and wife have to love each other above and beyond their circumstances. When the connection is right, circumstances, good or bad, do not come between you.