But, What About The Pain?

HER TEARS FELL

By Charles H. Perkins

So much love to give
such a long time since
she had given it.
He was gone…
and she was fine being alone
until her aloneness turned to loneliness.
Then…Her tears fell…

How often had she thought,
“If there were only someone…”
But, there was no one…
There was no one.
Alone…Her tears fell.

When there was love, there were no tears.
But, love had fluttered out her life
on the wings of a butterfly
leaving from it’s resting place
in her heart.
No more love…Her tears fell.

Tears washing away the dust
from yesterday’s memories.
Tears Dissolving cobwebs from the innocence
that once flowed freely
through her spirit when she had loved.

She saw life as an outlaw
stealing her love
and taking the knife of nothingness
to pierce her spirit
so that happiness
slowly oozed from the wound
and fell in drops of crushed emotions
at her feet.
A wounded spirit…Her tears fell.

Although, at the end,
it had been bitter,
she remembered only
the tender moments they shared…
all the love they made…
the good times.
Now, the good times were gone.
He was gone.
So…Her tears fell.

Tomorrow would come…
Her tears would be dry…
Her wounded spirit healed…
But, right now, being alone
and being lonely…
Her tears fell.

c. 1970

Break-ups can be funny. They can indeed be very funny. Or, maybe I just have a weird sense of humor. Back in the pre-historic times of the 1960's, I was in the military and engaged to a young lady back home. Naturally, we wrote each other love letters (There was no email back then, so we actually bought stationary and wrote letters). One day, I received the most beautiful love letter from her that I had ever received. It went on to proclaim undying love for me. I mean it was just filled with wonderful declarations of love. She had never written me a letter so loving before. The next day…THE VERY NEXT DAY, I received a letter from her telling me that she was getting married to someone else. The contrast was so great between the two letters, one of undying love for me and the other telling me that she's leaving me for someone else, that I couldn't even get mad. In fact, all I could do was laugh. For some reason it struck me as the funniest thing that had ever happened to me. But, having been married for 34 years now, I can say that my love life turned out great anyway.

Some break-ups can be funny. Most are not. Most break-ups are painful. There are the obvious painful break-ups that result from abuse, adultery, drugs and alcohol.

Sometimes it is not quite so clear as to why the break-up occurs, although you can see the relationship coming to an end. The feelings are fading. The desire is fading. The interest is fading. And so on…Until finally, the relationship fades. There may not even be any harsh words or attitudes. Just the reality that it is over. And then, the pain starts. Pain that comes from a feeling of failure and disappointment. Pain of a lost love that could have been, but is helpless to be. You both want to stop it and go on with a life together, but you don't know how, so, you break up. The lost is painful and it is a pain that has built up over time.

Then there is the sudden break up. The break up that is not expected. You think that everything is cool and then one party decides to end it just like that. And, to top matters off, he or she has no real explanation as to why they want to end it. They come up with some sort of excuse, but, no real reason. The pain is sudden and sharp because you are not prepared for it.

There are all kinds of break-ups. If you live long enough, you will probably experience one if you haven't already. But, after the acceptance of it, after deciding to go on with your life, after all is said and done, what about the pain?

In most cases, there will be pain. It hurts to lose someone that you love. Well meaning friends and relatives will tell you not to worry. They will tell you that everything will be alright. They will tell you that you will get over him (her). It will sound like noise to you, but you listen anyway because you realize that they mean well and that they don't know what else to say. Even though you don't want to hear it, they are right. Worrying never solved anything. It only makes it worse. And, at some point, you will get over it. When that point is depends on you.

Things such as acceptance and forgiveness speed up the process of getting over the pain. But, TIME is the main healer of a broken heart. After the acceptance and forgiveness (both are necessary), you begin to take control over life again. Each day, you gain small victories in the healing process. Just when you are sure that you have gotten over it, something happens to spur a memory, a feeling and the pain hits you again. Don't worry. You are not having a relapse. If you loved someone, it is only natural that the pain of the break-up will reoccur from time to time. But, in time, it will reoccur less and less. Then, eventually, not at all. You will be able to see the person without any pain, anger, disappointment or feelings of loss. Eventually, you will get past all of the pain. It may not seem like it at the time, but you will.

I personally don't care for pity parties. When I hurt, I look for things to cheer me up. I don't need people telling me how bad things are. I already know that. But, if you feel you need a pity party to vent, get together with a couple of good friends, have a good community crying session one or two times then start your healing process. You can't continue to have folks around you telling you how no good he was and how she did you wrong. You already know all of that. The longer you keep up a pity party, the longer you will stay in the same place emotionally. Things that stay in the same place tend to stagnate. At some point, you have to decide to live again. You have to decide to stop being somebody's "ex" and start being the new you. Pain is much easier to deal with when you are in control of your life. You are in control when you decide to take control. God gave you a mind and a free will. Use them to set yourself free. Yes, it will take time. But, the amount of time depends on you.

The Missing Link

You have either heard it or said it before. It goes something like this: “We need to talk.” Or, “Let’s talk.” It’s either one of those two phrases or something that means talking about it. It’s been drilled into you over and over that in order to have a great or even good relationship you have to deal with the “C” word: COMMUNICATION!!! And, in truth, communication is very important. You have to learn how to talk to one another. When to talk to one another. Where to talk to one another. Talking out small things helps to keep them from turning into big things.

It is common to hear someone complain about their marriage saying, “We just don’t talk anymore.” It is at this point where they usually say that they have “grown apart.” In order to fix the situation, they feel that they need to communicate. And they probably do. The thing is, communication by itself often doesn’t help. I have seen people communicate perfectly. They are in total agreement. They communicate and agree with each other right to divorce court. They are in total communication and complete agreement that they no longer want to be together. So, lack of communication was not the problem. What they communicated about was the problem. Communication alone was the problem.

What they needed more than communication was the re-establishment of CONNECTION. Jesus told the loveless church in Rev. 2:5 to remember from where they had fallen, to repent and to repeat their first works. That is a great principle to use here. Use the three R’s: Remember, Repent and Repeat. To rebuild that connection you first need to remember how it used to be. Remember the intimacy, the touch, the feelings, the concern that made you want to be together in the first place. Remember the point in your wedding ceremony when you first truly realized that this is my wife, this is my husband. Remember that feeling of anticipation. Remember how you could not wait to be in her presence, how you couldn’t wait for his call. Get all of the business of your career, your education, your job title, your degree, the house, the bills and everything else out of your minds and just remember each other. Reconnection starts in the mind…REMEMBER!!!

REPENT!!! If what you are doing is not working, stop doing it. To repent means to do a 180 degree turn from the direction that you are going in. Look at what you are doing with each other that is not working, stop it and start to do something else. You know if you are contributing to the relationship or not. You know if you are being loving or not. Whatever YOU are doing to hurt the relationship, stop it. Stop the hurtful language in talking to one another; stop the cold silences; stop the nagging, complaining and criticizing (even helpful criticism).

Remember, repent and REPEAT. Repeat your first works of love toward each other. Repeat the walks, the drives, the dinner dates. Most of all, repeat the feelings, how you think of each other, how you treat each other. Then, create new memories to repeat. Fall in love again. Like I always say, this is a decision of choice, not merely of feelings. You have to decide to love each other all over again. You have to decide to have a great, life long love affair with each other. You have to decide to make your marriage special. And you have to make those choices and those decisions every day. Today is the day that you have. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn’t come yet. So, decide today to love one another…then do it.

Communication by itself doesn’t necessarily lead to a better marriage relationship. But, communication out the context of connection does. Quite often, connection is the missing link. Reconnect to God. Reconnect to each other. Reconnect to love. Reconnect today.

What's My Name?

When Cassious Clay first changed his name to Muhammad Ali, he fought a fighter named Ernie Terrell. Terrell refused to call Clay Muhammad Ali. So, when they fought and Ali had the fight well in hand, he began to taunt Terrell. Every time he would hit Ernie, he would yell out “What’s my name!” Whap!!! “What’s my name!!!?” Whap!!! Whap!!! “WHAT’S MY NAME!!!?” Terrell finally got his name right. What’s your name? In her twenty eight years of being alive, my daughter, Maisha, has never heard me call her mother out of her name. No matter how much we disagreed or argued over a situation, I never called her out of her name.

We named our daughter Maisha. We did not name her bitch, ‘ho, or whore. We did not name her any other derogatory name. We named her Maisha. I have always told her not to accept being called out of her name by any one. I don’t care if it is in today’s music or even if it has become an acceptable part of today’s cultural environment, to call a woman a bitch or ‘ho is total disrespect. No race, no family, no couple can grow strong if there is not respect for the woman.

“Lady” is a nickname that I have always had for my daughter. When she was about 12 or 13, she asked me one day, “Why do you always call me ‘Lady’?” I told her it was because I wanted her to remember that is what she is, to always act like one and to never let any boy treat her less than a lady. A real man will always treat a woman with respect . I told her that she doesn’t ever have to settle for anything in a relationship less than a real man. He can use his most romantic “Barry White” voice to say “You’re my bitch.” When he says that, it’s time to step. If he says it, he’s thinking it. If he’s thinking it, eventually he will treat you that way because if you stay, you are by your actions saying that it is okay for him to treat you that way. It’s a pimp mentality. He will treat you sweet and disrespect you at the same time. It is a means of control. STEP as fast as you can because you have a BOY with a pimp’s mind who will use you up and move on to the next woman who is weak enough to let him in. Don’t think he is going to change. If you accepted him that way, why should he? What’s even worse is when you come to the point to where you accept yourself as a bitch or a ‘ho.

I have heard all of the excuses (there are no real reasons) for this type of language directed at women. The main one seems to be that this is just the language of the streets today. No harm is meant. Well, it really doesn’t matter what’s meant. What matters is what happens. What matters is what the effects are. When you have 6 and 7 year old boys thinking it’s alright to call girls ‘ho’s, there is harm. When you have young girls giggling when some stupid boy calls her a bitch, there is harm. When the degradation of women becomes acceptable, there is harm. When a man loses the ability to love a woman because he thinks of all women as bitches and ‘ho’s , there is harm. When a woman has no respect for her self and thinks she is unworthy of true love, there is harm.

I was a member of the Watt’s Writer’s Workshop back in the ‘70’s. I remember when the men in the workshop along with other poets from both the West coast and the East coast had a meeting and declared that it was time to stop disrespecting our women in the writing. It was time to start uplifting them in every way that we could. It happened then with just a decision to do it. The same thing can happen now with just a decision to do it.

What I said to my daughter, I say to all women: Never let a man define you into something less than what you are. I should say a boy because a man would not do that to begin with. There is so much yet to be said in this area to both men and women. I can’t say it all here. But, I can say to you, Respect yourself. Respect others. Expect to be respected by others. Don’t stay in a disrespectful relationship. If God loved you enough to die for you, how can you love yourself any less? If God thought you were precious enough to die for you, how can you stay in a relationship with a man who thinks of you as a bitch? Hold yourself to a higher standard in life than the current culture demands. Remember, culture is just what you do. Maybe it is time to start doing something else.

Tit For Tat

Love is often treated like a child’s game. We wait to see what the other person is going to do and then we react. We only show love when it is shown to us first. And, we try to measure it out to make sure that we only give as much as we got and not a drop more. To top it off, we are surprised when, after a period of time, our love hasn’t grown. It has, in fact, become stagnant. That’s the way it is with tit for tat love. By waiting, you wait yourself into mediocrity.

I had to look at God’s love for me in order to learn how to truly love my wife. God doesn’t love me because…He doesn’t love me if…He doesn’t love me although…He just loves me. Jesus didn’t die for me because I deserved it. He died for me because He loved me. He loved me by choice not by response. I am told to love my wife as Christ loves the Church.

As I started putting all of this together, I found a whole new freedom in loving my wife. If I love her as God loves me, then it is not dependent on what she does. She did not do anything to earn my love so she can’t do anything to lose it. I love her by choice. That means that I can love her as deeply as I want to. And I have found that there are no limits to the depth of my love for her. Once I started loving her freely, my love continues to grow deeper and deeper as time goes on. I am really looking forward to exploring depths of love that I haven’t even imagined yet. Loving her in this way, by choice, means also that she doesn’t have to continually prove her love for me. She is free to love me freely and without strings. In other words, she is not compelled to stay with me. She is here because she wants to be and so am I.

Like I said, it’s not tit for tat love. I don’t wait for her to show me love before I show her love. I just love her. If we both freely give, we both receive. Jesus died for me without any guarantee of me responding to His love. I had to learn to love my wife without any guarantee of her responding to my love. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church is the command. That is how Christ loves the Church: Freely. That’s how I love my wife.

In that freedom, I am free to be faithful to my wife. I am not compelled to cheat. I am free to desire her as much as I want to (And that’s a whole bunch). I want her to always feel beautiful because I am looking at her. I want her to always see desire for her in MY eyes. When I gaze at her, I want her to know that she still has it. And from my gaze I want her to know that I still want it.
I can’t determine how much or even how she loves me. That’s up to her. I can only control how much and how I love her. I can only do my part and she can only do hers. In this freedom of love, we are free to forgive some things. We are free to work through some things. We are free to build a life together… to grow together… to become one together. To continue to love each other as deeply as possible is our choice. What is yours?

The Pot Luck, The Rose, And The Weed

A “pot luck” meal is usually a joyous occasion। Friends and family come together and everyone brings a dish. The thing that makes a pot luck so great is that everyone tends to bring their best dishes. You bring your best dish because you want people to enjoy it. You want people to be pleased. You want people to go home talking about how good your dish was. Everyone brings something to the table and everyone shares. No one leaves hungry. No one leaves unsatisfied. Everyone comes with the intention of feeding everyone else. So, everyone eats. Just think, if everyone only came to eat for themselves, then no one would be fed. Everyone would leave hungry.

Most people tend to come into marriage this way। They come in hungry only looking to see what’s good for them to eat. When they think about marriage, they only think about what they want their spouse to bring to the table. They think about what would “make me happy.” “What would please me?” “I want a husband who…” “I want a wife that…” “If my husband would only…” “If my wife would just…” Obviously, if you are only thinking about having your own appetite satisfied, then ultimately, no one will be truly fed. When ever I ask young couples what they want out of marriage, they always tell me what they expect their spouses to do. I always ask them what they expect to bring to the table. What do they plan to serve their spouses? You want a happy marriage? What are you going to do to make it that way? Pot luck principal: If everybody brings something to the table, then everybody eats. You have to go into marriage expecting to feed the other person.

As in a pot luck meal, everybody can’t cook as well as others. It takes time to learn how to prepare a proper meal. It also takes a desire to learn how to cook. Sometimes, you will be the only one doing the cooking. Sometimes your spouse will. That’s life. But, it all balances out over time. The thing is, just as in a pot luck meal, marriage is about giving your best. Bring something to the table.

A rose is a beautiful flower. It looks good to the eye. It feels good to the touch. It smells good to the nostrils. But, a rose is fragile. If you don’t water it just enough, it withers. If it doesn’t get enough sunshine, it withers. If the soil is not just right, it withers. It takes a lot of time and energy to keep a beautiful rose garden. But, in the end, the result is worth it. The same can be said for a beautiful marriage. The time and energy put into it is worth the results.

Another view of this pampering of the rose is found in comparing its fragile nature to a weed। A weed doesn’t need watering or just the right amount of sunshine or even the proper soil. It keeps growing no matter what you do to it or what you don’t do for it. You can dig it up…It comes back. You can poison it…It comes back. You can step on it…It comes back. A weed doesn’t give up. It refuses to die. Sometimes I think we need more “weed” marriages and fewer rose marriages. In most marriages today, like the rose, we are ready to give up at the slightest provocation. One of the silliest reasons is the “We have grown apart” excuse. Be like a weed, fight for your relationship!!! Weeds don’t give up. Like a rose, a marriage is fragile, beautiful and precious. Like a weed, it also has to be tough and unyielding to defeat.

A rose is beautiful. If you reach out to the top of it, you touch a beautiful, fragrant flower…A joy to the touch, the eye and the smell. But, if you reach just a little lower, you grab a hand full of thorns. That’s the way it is in marriages. If you reach for the highest point in each other, you touch the beauty. But, if you reach lower, again, you grab a hand full of thorns. The only way to reach the highest point in your spouse is to give the highest point in yourself. As Jesus said, “It is better to give than to receive.” But, again He said, “Give and you shall receive.”

A Tale Of Three Men

When it comes to male/female relationships, there are basically three kinds of men. They are: The Don Juan; the Casanova; and the Romeo.

The Don Juan is a man who easily gets women; they are very attracted to him initially. He is smooth in his style, extremely charismatic. But, the thing is, he hates women and his only desire is to misuse them. He is a sociopath. He has no conscience when it comes to mistreating women. He is completely self-centered. Women can sense the danger in him, but, they usually think that he "wouldn't do that to me." He will. "He will change." He won't. "I can change him." She can't. So, women are usually left feeling cheapened and hurt after an experience with Don Juan. I am not saying that it is impossible for Don Juan to change. I am saying that no one can change him unless he wants to be changed. If he does want to change, then through the grace of God…

The Casanova loves women. That's his thing. He loves WOMEN. Not one woman. He will make you feel like the most loved woman in the world…when he is with you. Then it's on to the next bed and she becomes "the most loved woman in the world." He is fun, kind and loving. But, he is not true or faithful. As a bee transports it pollen from plant to plant, Casanova transports his seed from bed to bed. Whereas Don Juan only finds pleasure in hurting women, Casanova truly finds pleasure in pleasing women. His concern for the woman he is with at the moment is real…at the moment. He will sing, cry, dance, beg or do whatever it takes to let the woman of the moment know that he is into her…at the moment. He usually likes married women so that he doesn't have to pretend to want any long term monogamous commitment. He is only monogamous until he gets out of her bed. While sexually satisfied at the moment, women are usually left feeling unfulfilled and empty. But, like I said he does love WOMEN.

The Don Juan hates women. The Casanova loves WOMEN. The Romeo is a man who loves one woman and spends his life with her making her truly the most loved woman in the world. Yes, Romeo is a one woman man. He will give his all into the relationship. His desire is to have a woman that he can grow old with while learning to love her as deeply as possible and receiving and honoring the love she has for him. He longs to share that ever deepening love that only comes with shared time. He can see the beauty in other women. But, his desire is only for his wife. He can appreciate other women's personalities and such. But, his desire is only for his wife. Monogamy is not a question for him, it is a privilege. After a lifetime of sharing love and romance; of desiring and lusting for one another; of growing together in oneness; of overcoming obstacles, if Romeo dies first, his wife is usually left with a feeling of being blessed for having been in such a relationship.

Of course, these are broad generalizations of men. Men, like women, are much more complex. But, I shared this thought with my daughter so that she can at least be aware of the tendencies of a man that she might be interested in. Again, this is not the end-all/know-all definition of all men. These are just some of the thoughts and observations of an old gray bearded Romeo.

The Wrong Question

The Wrong Question (Particularly for a man to ask)

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."(Eph. 5:22-24).

I know some church brothers who are really cool in every aspect of their Christianity except when it comes to this passage. They seem to totally lose their minds. I have told my daughter many times to always ask a brother how he interprets this scripture before she gets serious about him. Over the years, I've lost count of how many brothers have come up to me and asked, "Brother Perkins, how can I get my wife to submit to me?" Every time I hear that question, I feel like getting a two block running start and smacking that brother into the middle of next week. But, I don't. I know that the Lord would want me to give him an answer. So I ask the brother where he got the idea that his wife was supposed to submit to him. Funny thing: Brothers who may not even know John 3:16 seem to know Eph. 5:22. So, the brother dazzles me with his scriptural adeptness. He quotes it as if he had written it himself. After which I ask him what the commandment is in the passage. He comes back with the fact that it is telling his wife to submit to him. I ask him whom the passage is directed to. He correctly points out that it is definitely directed to the wife. I ask him if he sees any place in the passage that says "Husbands, get your wife to submit to you”; or "Husbands, make your wife submit to you”; or "Husbands, trick your wife into submitting to you, force your wife to submit to you, buy your wife's submission", or anything of the sort. He thinks for a moment and comes to the conclusion, "NO" on all accounts. Then, I ask him if he's ever seen any place in the Bible from Genesis to Revelations that tells the husband to do any of that stuff. Again, "NO." I ask him, "If the scripture is not addressed to you and you can't find any place in the Bible that tells you to make or to get your wife to submit, then why are you asking that question?" Blank stare, silence. So, I give him the Bible and tell him to find the passage in Eph. 5 that really is addressed to him. "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her."(Eph. 5:25).

Let's look at a few ways that Jesus showed love for the church. First of all, He showed His followers how to be submitted to the Father by being totally submitted Himself. "For I have come down from Heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him who sent Me."(John 6:38) Are you, as a husband and leader of your home showing your wife an example of your total submission to the Father? Can she see your love for Him? Can she see your desire to obey Him? To serve Him? Start strengthening your relationship with the Lord. That is always the first thing a Christian husband should be about.

Jesus was a leader. The Word tells husbands to be leaders. Leaders...Not BOSSES!!! Jesus defined leadership as service. "But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, 'You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve; and to give His life as a ransom to many'."(Mk. 10:42-45).

How are you serving your wife? How can you serve her better? When is the last time you washed her feet? Do you make her feel special? We know from many scriptures that the disciples became better people under Jesus' leadership. He saw talents in them that they did not know they had. He helped them to discover and develop those talents. He built up their confidence. He established an atmosphere of growth. Has your wife become a better person under your leadership? If not, why not? Have you discovered hidden talents in her and encouraged her to develop them? Is she a more confident person being married to you than she was before she married you? Have you established an atmosphere of growth in your home so that she feels comfortable expressing herself knowing that you won't ridicule her if she makes a mistake? What kind of a leader are you, my brother? These are just a few things you should be considering. There are many more. Get into the Word and find them.

The subject of your wife's submission to you really should never come up in your conversation. You should be too busy talking about what the Lord has told you to do. Yes, my brother, you have many questions to ask. But, "How do I get my wife to submit?" is not one of them.