Momma Said...

I recently received an email from Anonymous asking about the plight of a single mother raising a boy. How can a mother, without a father in the home, teach her son to be a man? How do you teach a son to avoid the violence, to appreciate family values, to respect and love his wife and to value his accomplishments without challenging his manhood? I have to say, “Anonymous, you asked a mouthful.” I don’t know that I can adequately answer any of this, but I'll share a few of my thoughts on the matter.

I think that it is very important from an early age to teach the boy to think for himself. One way to do this is for you to value his opinion. If he has a good opinion, let him know. If he has a bad opinion, challenge him to think differently. Don’t tell him he is wrong or that his idea is silly. That will only crush him and eventually send him out to find people that will agree with him. Instead, if he is wrong, try saying something like, “I see that you've given this some thought, but have you considered…?” And then lead him into the right way of thinking. This type of response leads to discussion instead of argument. “Have you considered…?” challenges a person to think about what he has just said, to listen to what you are saying, and to compare the two concepts. This takes time and patience on your part, but if you want to help to develop a thinking man, you have to put in the time.

Yes, there is violence, drugs and many other vices out there. When he goes out of your front door, he will run into all kinds of bad influences. It is important for you to instill in him that he has a choice. While there are many bad things out there, there are many more good things out there to choose from. Hold him responsible for the choices that he makes. Don’t give him the convenient out based on“peer pressure.” Let him know that peer pressure can work in both directions. He can influence someone to do good rather than allowing himself to be influenced to do bad. He has a choice. Don’t accept the “broken home” excuse for having done wrong. There are men who came from broken homes who went on to become some of the worst criminals in the city. That was their choice. There are other men from broken homes who went on to become truck drivers, lawyers, janitors, doctors, teachers, store clerks, musicians, and on and on. They made a choice to make an honest living. When a man understands the essence of choice, he understands the essence of manhood. As long as he blames someone else (missing dad, the white man, his peers, etc.) he is a slave to that person. If that person never comes back or never changes then he can never change because he has given them power over how he conducts his life. As long as he blames circumstances for his plight (broken home, racism, etc.) he is a slave to that circumstance. If it doesn’t change, then he can’t. But, if he takes responsibility for his own choices, then he has the power to change his mind when he makes a bad decision. If he knows that it was his choice to do wrong, then he knows that he can make the choice to do right.

Tell him about his father. If at all possible, encourage a relationship between him and his father. Because you and his father didn’t make it doesn’t mean that he and his father won’t make it. Don’t use him as a weapon against the father by not allowing the father to see him out of spite. Don’t belittle his father to him. You don’t have to pretend that his father is better than he actually is, but don’t constantly bring up the fact that the man is a dog in your opinion. That is very unhealthy for a boy to hear. He will respect you more if you don’t speak badly of his father. Plus, he knows that you are the one who is caring for him. He is not blind. Because he wants to love and respect his father doesn’t mean that he loves you less. You don’t have to feel threatened. If he is never going to see his father, then tell him whatever good you remember about his father. Unless you were raped, there was something that attracted you to his father. Let him know those qualities. It will help him to feel better about himself in the long run.

If you date, make sure you date men that respect you. If you accept a bunch of doggish men in and out of your life, then you are telling your son by default that it is alright to treat women like that. After all, if it is good enough for Momma, it’s good enough for any other woman.

Teach him to respect and to love women by showing him a mother that he can love and respect. Talk to him about how to treat a woman. Share with him what your concept of a “good woman” is. Respect the woman that he eventually chooses even if she doesn’t fit your “ideal woman” for your son. Respect her and he will respect her. Love her and he will love her more.

Love is taught by being loving. I don’t mean a smothering over protective kind of love. I mean an encouraging love; a corrective love; an enlightening love; a nurturing and teaching love; an empowering love. I mean a love that starts and ends with loving God. God is larger than any circumstance or person. If your son has a love for the Lord and wants to please Him, he will make the right choices. He will know that if he does this, it will please God. He will know that he can’t do that and still please God. Loving God will keep him focused. Teaching a boy to be a man starts with teaching him to love God. You may not see the results right away, but in due time you will see the MAN that you desire to blossom out of the boy that you raised.

There is so much to say on a subject like this. I haven’t even scratched the surface. But, I hope that I have at least given you some food for thought.

There Is A Man Who Loves

There is a man who loves his wife. Yes, there is such a man. You would not know it by how men are portrayed in the mass media. But, he really does exist. Married men are usually portrayed as stupid, bumbling fools at best and as cheaters, wife beaters and murderers at worst. If they happen to be ministers, they also usually doubt their faith and are harsh and unloving. If they happen to be Black, they will do most of the above. If they happen to be black ministers, they will do all of the above. People watch these stereotypes over and over again until it is expected of men to be like that in real life. No one is surprised when the married minister runs off with the church money and the church secretary. “Are there any good men out there?” is almost a mantra now.

One of the reasons that I decided to start posting these blogs was to reassure people that there are men who truly do love their wives. I am one, but there are many more like me. Don’t allow the negative images of married men to frighten you away from a life of love. I know men of all races and occupations who are good husbands. I happen to be Black and I also happen to be a Christian minister. I am a man who was there during the early years when love was new. When our love was new, my wife would ask the question, “Do you love me?” New love, while exciting, is uncertain. It hasn’t stood the test of time. So, the question, “Do you love me?” is a valid one. I am also a man who stayed the course through the tough times to get back to the good times and to move on to the great times. I am still here and now our love is old. Old love is so much better than new love. The question, “Do you love me?” is not an issue anymore. She knows that I am still in love with her and I know that she is still in love with me. We don’t have to question our love anymore, we just enjoy it.

Yes, there is a man who spends everyday falling in love with his wife. There is a man, a minister, who loves God with his whole heart, mind and soul; a man, who through his love for the Lord, learned to love his wife unconditionally. There is a man, a Black man, who is not threatened by his wife’s accomplishments, but, rather, encourages her to be all that she wants to be. After all of these years, there is a man whose love for his wife is still growing. I want you to know that there is a man whose wife still feels beautiful when he looks at her; a man whose wife still feels desired by him more than ever. In the movies, all you basically see are black men who are hustlers, cheaters, players, and gamers. You see men who are afraid of commitment. You see men who are afraid of marriage because they fear they might miss out on the next best thing that comes along. In other words, you see a long list of stupid, selfish, unsure of themselves boys (Oops, I mean men). But, I want you to know that in real life, there is a man, a Black man, who loves his wife. There is a man who is committed to that love to the end.

In the movies, you see ministers portrayed as being foolish, uncertain of their faith in hard times, cheaters, thieves, cultists and worst. But, in real life, there is a man who truly loves the Lord; a man who understands what it means Biblically to be a Christian. There is a man, a Black man, a minister, who is truly surrendered to the Lord and committed to serving Him. Yes, there is such a man. I am that man. In fact, I am just one of a great many men who love God and love their wives. I am not unique by any means. We don’t get much press, but, we do exist. There is a man who can look at his wife and say, “After all of these years, I am still so very much in love with you.”