There is an old saying that God is a God of the “second chance.” You see that in the Bible with people such as Abraham. Sometimes you see a 3rd, 4th and 5th chance, as with David. And then you can lose count of the chances as with Peter. Most of the heroes of the Bible needed several chances before they got it right.
We can see the same thing in marriages. Sometimes several chances are needed to get it right. I personally know of couples where adultery, severe arguments, fights and other mayhem went on during the marriage. But second, third, fourth and fifth chances were given. YET, they were able to get it right and went on to have long fruitful, happy relationships. In order for the second chance to work in a marriage, there has to be two things: REPENTANCE and FORGIVENESS. It cannot work unless both are present. And both have to be motivated by love. I am not saying that either one is necessarily easy in some cases. I am saying that BOTH are necessary in all cases.
Sometimes-- most times, people confuse repentance with being sorry. They are not the same. Just being sorry is not enough. Just being sorry doesn’t bring about change. You can be sorry that you got caught but not sorry for the pain you caused. Being sorry is not enough. Repentance has an element of sorrow in it obviously. But it doesn’t stop there. To repent means to make a 180 degree turn from what you are doing. It means to change behavior. Depending on what you did, that may mean changing your attitude; changing your conversation; changing your actions; changing your habits. It may mean getting rid of old (or new) acquaintances. Whatever you are doing to hurt the marriage has to stop and you have to do something in its place to build up the marriage. It is not good enough to just stop doing something harmful. You have to start doing something helpful. Be proactive in making the relationship better. True repentance means changing your ways. You can be sorry. You can “admit you were wrong.” You can do all of that and more. But, to paraphrase an old song, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that change.”
I have always believed that in order for love to work you have to be willing to take some risks. True forgiveness is one of those risks. When you forgive, there is no real guarantee that your spouse will truly repent. But what is guaranteed is that the relationship can never work unless true forgiveness is present. If you are constantly throwing the past up in your spouse’s face, how can he or she move on in true repentance? If you are constantly placing guilt trips on your spouse, what would be the motivation? How can love grow? How can the relationship be restored? You have to forgive, and at some point, move on. Let it go! Your love won’t grow until you let go of the pain, the disappointment, the failure. At some point you have to stop the “wait and see” process-- Stop making your spouse “prove” himself or herself and start contributing to making the relationship better. If you are going to stay in the marriage, it only makes sense to do what you can to make it work. Just as the repentant has to be proactive in the rebuilding process, so does the forgiver.
Neither repentance or forgiveness is an easy process. But, the thing is, both forgiveness and repentance are processes for us to live our best lives. As we are going through the process, we sometimes fall short. Sometimes we mess up. We fall down BUTwe get back up again. We help each other to get up again. That is why the forgiver gives the repentant chance after chance to get it right. That is why the repentant gives the forgiver chance after chance to get it right. The Bible says that love never fails. This statement has only been made about LOVE. It doesn’t say “faith never fails,” or “miracles never fail,” or anything else. It says “LOVE NEVER FAILS.” Love never fails because LOVE NEVER QUITS!!!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007
It's Just A Piece Of Paper
“We don’t need a marriage license to show our love. It’s just a piece of paper!” I have lost count of how many times I have heard this over the years. “It’s just a piece of paper.” Those who say that often declare that they are doing their own thing. They are being different… Not adhering to the norm and so on. They don’t seem to realize that they've just stopped being like one group to act like another group. They are like the people who wear spiked hair to be different. They are not different. They are just like everyone else who wears spiked hair. With some of everything being done by so many different people, it is very difficult to be different. And living together without being married is hardly “different” these days.
“It’s just a piece of paper” they say. The deed to your house is “just a piece of paper.” Your apartment lease agreement, your car registration, your check on payday, your driver’s license and so many more things qualify under the title of “just a piece of paper.” But you make sure that you have these in place, and you are very protective of them. High school diplomas, certificates of completion, college degrees are all “pieces of paper.” But, they are highly valued. Shouldn’t you value the most important relationship in your life at least as much as you do your house, car, or level of education?
Our marriage certificate gives my wife rights to all of my “stuff.” If I should die before she does, she is protected. Unmarried couples don’t have this protection unless they draw up a lot of legal documents. And if they are going to do all of that, they may as well get married. It is a lot simpler. When you sign any contract, there are conditions that you have to live up to in order for the contract to remain valid. The contract in essence gives you a goal to strive for. A marriage contract is no different. There are terms. You agree to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and bad times; in sickness and in health; whether rich or poor; until death do you part. That is the goal that you are shooting for. You want to live up to the contract. We lived together for three years before we got married. We thought we loved each other and we did. But, once we took the marriage vows and got the “piece of paper,” we found that the old love was but a mere shadow of the love that developed once we were married. There is no comparison.
My marriage license is a symbol of the love and life that I will share with my wife until the day that I die. It is just a piece of paper that declares to the world that I am my beloved’s and she is mine. It’s just a piece of paper that is a symbol of a relationship that means so much more to me than the wood and plaster of a house or the tin, plastic and rubber of a car. It’s just a piece of paper that reminds us of why we are together when we want to go… So we stay, and build, and grow. It’s just a piece of paper that gives her access to a place and space of peace and rest in me… a place where only she can come.
It is just a piece of paper that says that I will live up to the commitment to love my wife no matter what happens in my life. It’s just a piece of paper that I take seriously. Because of that piece of paper, I have joy. It IS just a piece of paper. But, it is the most important piece of paper that I have.
“It’s just a piece of paper” they say. The deed to your house is “just a piece of paper.” Your apartment lease agreement, your car registration, your check on payday, your driver’s license and so many more things qualify under the title of “just a piece of paper.” But you make sure that you have these in place, and you are very protective of them. High school diplomas, certificates of completion, college degrees are all “pieces of paper.” But, they are highly valued. Shouldn’t you value the most important relationship in your life at least as much as you do your house, car, or level of education?
Our marriage certificate gives my wife rights to all of my “stuff.” If I should die before she does, she is protected. Unmarried couples don’t have this protection unless they draw up a lot of legal documents. And if they are going to do all of that, they may as well get married. It is a lot simpler. When you sign any contract, there are conditions that you have to live up to in order for the contract to remain valid. The contract in essence gives you a goal to strive for. A marriage contract is no different. There are terms. You agree to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and bad times; in sickness and in health; whether rich or poor; until death do you part. That is the goal that you are shooting for. You want to live up to the contract. We lived together for three years before we got married. We thought we loved each other and we did. But, once we took the marriage vows and got the “piece of paper,” we found that the old love was but a mere shadow of the love that developed once we were married. There is no comparison.
My marriage license is a symbol of the love and life that I will share with my wife until the day that I die. It is just a piece of paper that declares to the world that I am my beloved’s and she is mine. It’s just a piece of paper that is a symbol of a relationship that means so much more to me than the wood and plaster of a house or the tin, plastic and rubber of a car. It’s just a piece of paper that reminds us of why we are together when we want to go… So we stay, and build, and grow. It’s just a piece of paper that gives her access to a place and space of peace and rest in me… a place where only she can come.
It is just a piece of paper that says that I will live up to the commitment to love my wife no matter what happens in my life. It’s just a piece of paper that I take seriously. Because of that piece of paper, I have joy. It IS just a piece of paper. But, it is the most important piece of paper that I have.
Heavenly Marriage
Ever since I have been a Christian, I have been excited about the idea of Heaven. I used to wonder why most of the Christians I knew were not excited about Heaven. Yeah, they want to go there, but they aren't as pumped up about it as they are about getting a new car or a new house. This has always seemed strange to me since Eternal Life, Heaven, is the primary thing that Jesus talked about. It is the primary reason He died on the cross. Yet, it seems that Christians spend very little time thinking about what Jesus spent most of His time talking about. Then it occurred to me that maybe the reason for the lack of interest is that so few Christians know how much the Bible says about Heaven. They get most of their concepts of Heaven from the movies and cartoons. I have to admit, the idea of sitting around on a cloud playing a harp for eternity is not very appealing. In the Bible, Heaven is described as a “kingdom” which indicates power and prominence; a “country” which gives the idea of identity; a “city” which brings to mind culture, creativity and productivity. And obviously, whatever is there is better than places like New York, Rome or Tokyo or Jesus would not have died to give us entry to it. Heaven will not be boring.
These days, people seem to be as uninterested in marriage as they are in Heaven. And for the same reason: They have a very watered down idea of what marriage is. I hear young men speaking of not wanting to “end their lives yet.” They don’t want to get “tied down.” They don’t want to “miss out” on something. They are afraid that they will get married and have to do the same things every day. The funny thing is, most of them are already doing the same things every day. They go out and hit on a lot of different women. But, they want to do the same thing with the women. They go to a lot of different places. But, they do the same thing every place they go. They are creatures of habit. They just don’t know it. In a real marriage, there is love and in love there is freedom. There is no sense of restriction. You are free to truly build a life together.
Building a relationship with another person is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do. Once you learn to think past the things you would do on your own, you can start to truly develop a meaningful and fulfilling bond with your spouse. What I mean by that is there are certain things you are going to do whether you married or not. You are going to work. You will have some place to live. If you want to, you will go to college. You will have some form of transportation. Marriage may determine how and when you do these things, but even if you were not married you were going to do them anyway. So, to think past these is to realize that, while important, these things won’t make or break your marriage unless you let them. Your marriage is above and beyond what you do for a living, where you live, how educated you are or what kind of a car you drive. Remember-- rich, educated, Mercedes driving folks get divorced more than poor people.
The rewards and excitement of marriage start with realizing that the relationship is about the two of you and not about what you have or don’t have. It is really that simple. We tend to complicate matters by adding conditions that don’t belong in the mix. Learning to love one another is a lifetime experience. Growing in that love is a lifetime joy. Appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, comforting, forgiving, anticipating and desiring one another are all part of the satisfying nature of marriage. Yes there will be problems. So what? If you stayed single for the rest of your life, guess what? There will be PROBLEMS. That’s just part of life. When you are single, you deal with the problems and move on. When you are married, you deal with the problems and move on.
For people who base their happiness in marriage on what they accumulate, marriage will become a dull boring experience. For people who base their happiness in marriage on building their relationship, marriage will continue to be fulfilling and satisfying. When you understand what to base your marriage on, you won’t fear getting married. As a Christian, I believe that God created marriage just as the Bible teaches. God did not create anything to be boring and dull. That includes Marriage and Heaven.
These days, people seem to be as uninterested in marriage as they are in Heaven. And for the same reason: They have a very watered down idea of what marriage is. I hear young men speaking of not wanting to “end their lives yet.” They don’t want to get “tied down.” They don’t want to “miss out” on something. They are afraid that they will get married and have to do the same things every day. The funny thing is, most of them are already doing the same things every day. They go out and hit on a lot of different women. But, they want to do the same thing with the women. They go to a lot of different places. But, they do the same thing every place they go. They are creatures of habit. They just don’t know it. In a real marriage, there is love and in love there is freedom. There is no sense of restriction. You are free to truly build a life together.
Building a relationship with another person is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do. Once you learn to think past the things you would do on your own, you can start to truly develop a meaningful and fulfilling bond with your spouse. What I mean by that is there are certain things you are going to do whether you married or not. You are going to work. You will have some place to live. If you want to, you will go to college. You will have some form of transportation. Marriage may determine how and when you do these things, but even if you were not married you were going to do them anyway. So, to think past these is to realize that, while important, these things won’t make or break your marriage unless you let them. Your marriage is above and beyond what you do for a living, where you live, how educated you are or what kind of a car you drive. Remember-- rich, educated, Mercedes driving folks get divorced more than poor people.
The rewards and excitement of marriage start with realizing that the relationship is about the two of you and not about what you have or don’t have. It is really that simple. We tend to complicate matters by adding conditions that don’t belong in the mix. Learning to love one another is a lifetime experience. Growing in that love is a lifetime joy. Appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, comforting, forgiving, anticipating and desiring one another are all part of the satisfying nature of marriage. Yes there will be problems. So what? If you stayed single for the rest of your life, guess what? There will be PROBLEMS. That’s just part of life. When you are single, you deal with the problems and move on. When you are married, you deal with the problems and move on.
For people who base their happiness in marriage on what they accumulate, marriage will become a dull boring experience. For people who base their happiness in marriage on building their relationship, marriage will continue to be fulfilling and satisfying. When you understand what to base your marriage on, you won’t fear getting married. As a Christian, I believe that God created marriage just as the Bible teaches. God did not create anything to be boring and dull. That includes Marriage and Heaven.
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