There is an old saying that God is a God of the “second chance.” You see that in the Bible with people such as Abraham. Sometimes you see a 3rd, 4th and 5th chance, as with David. And then you can lose count of the chances as with Peter. Most of the heroes of the Bible needed several chances before they got it right.
We can see the same thing in marriages. Sometimes several chances are needed to get it right. I personally know of couples where adultery, severe arguments, fights and other mayhem went on during the marriage. But second, third, fourth and fifth chances were given. YET, they were able to get it right and went on to have long fruitful, happy relationships. In order for the second chance to work in a marriage, there has to be two things: REPENTANCE and FORGIVENESS. It cannot work unless both are present. And both have to be motivated by love. I am not saying that either one is necessarily easy in some cases. I am saying that BOTH are necessary in all cases.
Sometimes-- most times, people confuse repentance with being sorry. They are not the same. Just being sorry is not enough. Just being sorry doesn’t bring about change. You can be sorry that you got caught but not sorry for the pain you caused. Being sorry is not enough. Repentance has an element of sorrow in it obviously. But it doesn’t stop there. To repent means to make a 180 degree turn from what you are doing. It means to change behavior. Depending on what you did, that may mean changing your attitude; changing your conversation; changing your actions; changing your habits. It may mean getting rid of old (or new) acquaintances. Whatever you are doing to hurt the marriage has to stop and you have to do something in its place to build up the marriage. It is not good enough to just stop doing something harmful. You have to start doing something helpful. Be proactive in making the relationship better. True repentance means changing your ways. You can be sorry. You can “admit you were wrong.” You can do all of that and more. But, to paraphrase an old song, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that change.”
I have always believed that in order for love to work you have to be willing to take some risks. True forgiveness is one of those risks. When you forgive, there is no real guarantee that your spouse will truly repent. But what is guaranteed is that the relationship can never work unless true forgiveness is present. If you are constantly throwing the past up in your spouse’s face, how can he or she move on in true repentance? If you are constantly placing guilt trips on your spouse, what would be the motivation? How can love grow? How can the relationship be restored? You have to forgive, and at some point, move on. Let it go! Your love won’t grow until you let go of the pain, the disappointment, the failure. At some point you have to stop the “wait and see” process-- Stop making your spouse “prove” himself or herself and start contributing to making the relationship better. If you are going to stay in the marriage, it only makes sense to do what you can to make it work. Just as the repentant has to be proactive in the rebuilding process, so does the forgiver.
Neither repentance or forgiveness is an easy process. But, the thing is, both forgiveness and repentance are processes for us to live our best lives. As we are going through the process, we sometimes fall short. Sometimes we mess up. We fall down BUTwe get back up again. We help each other to get up again. That is why the forgiver gives the repentant chance after chance to get it right. That is why the repentant gives the forgiver chance after chance to get it right. The Bible says that love never fails. This statement has only been made about LOVE. It doesn’t say “faith never fails,” or “miracles never fail,” or anything else. It says “LOVE NEVER FAILS.” Love never fails because LOVE NEVER QUITS!!!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007
It's Just A Piece Of Paper
“We don’t need a marriage license to show our love. It’s just a piece of paper!” I have lost count of how many times I have heard this over the years. “It’s just a piece of paper.” Those who say that often declare that they are doing their own thing. They are being different… Not adhering to the norm and so on. They don’t seem to realize that they've just stopped being like one group to act like another group. They are like the people who wear spiked hair to be different. They are not different. They are just like everyone else who wears spiked hair. With some of everything being done by so many different people, it is very difficult to be different. And living together without being married is hardly “different” these days.
“It’s just a piece of paper” they say. The deed to your house is “just a piece of paper.” Your apartment lease agreement, your car registration, your check on payday, your driver’s license and so many more things qualify under the title of “just a piece of paper.” But you make sure that you have these in place, and you are very protective of them. High school diplomas, certificates of completion, college degrees are all “pieces of paper.” But, they are highly valued. Shouldn’t you value the most important relationship in your life at least as much as you do your house, car, or level of education?
Our marriage certificate gives my wife rights to all of my “stuff.” If I should die before she does, she is protected. Unmarried couples don’t have this protection unless they draw up a lot of legal documents. And if they are going to do all of that, they may as well get married. It is a lot simpler. When you sign any contract, there are conditions that you have to live up to in order for the contract to remain valid. The contract in essence gives you a goal to strive for. A marriage contract is no different. There are terms. You agree to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and bad times; in sickness and in health; whether rich or poor; until death do you part. That is the goal that you are shooting for. You want to live up to the contract. We lived together for three years before we got married. We thought we loved each other and we did. But, once we took the marriage vows and got the “piece of paper,” we found that the old love was but a mere shadow of the love that developed once we were married. There is no comparison.
My marriage license is a symbol of the love and life that I will share with my wife until the day that I die. It is just a piece of paper that declares to the world that I am my beloved’s and she is mine. It’s just a piece of paper that is a symbol of a relationship that means so much more to me than the wood and plaster of a house or the tin, plastic and rubber of a car. It’s just a piece of paper that reminds us of why we are together when we want to go… So we stay, and build, and grow. It’s just a piece of paper that gives her access to a place and space of peace and rest in me… a place where only she can come.
It is just a piece of paper that says that I will live up to the commitment to love my wife no matter what happens in my life. It’s just a piece of paper that I take seriously. Because of that piece of paper, I have joy. It IS just a piece of paper. But, it is the most important piece of paper that I have.
“It’s just a piece of paper” they say. The deed to your house is “just a piece of paper.” Your apartment lease agreement, your car registration, your check on payday, your driver’s license and so many more things qualify under the title of “just a piece of paper.” But you make sure that you have these in place, and you are very protective of them. High school diplomas, certificates of completion, college degrees are all “pieces of paper.” But, they are highly valued. Shouldn’t you value the most important relationship in your life at least as much as you do your house, car, or level of education?
Our marriage certificate gives my wife rights to all of my “stuff.” If I should die before she does, she is protected. Unmarried couples don’t have this protection unless they draw up a lot of legal documents. And if they are going to do all of that, they may as well get married. It is a lot simpler. When you sign any contract, there are conditions that you have to live up to in order for the contract to remain valid. The contract in essence gives you a goal to strive for. A marriage contract is no different. There are terms. You agree to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and bad times; in sickness and in health; whether rich or poor; until death do you part. That is the goal that you are shooting for. You want to live up to the contract. We lived together for three years before we got married. We thought we loved each other and we did. But, once we took the marriage vows and got the “piece of paper,” we found that the old love was but a mere shadow of the love that developed once we were married. There is no comparison.
My marriage license is a symbol of the love and life that I will share with my wife until the day that I die. It is just a piece of paper that declares to the world that I am my beloved’s and she is mine. It’s just a piece of paper that is a symbol of a relationship that means so much more to me than the wood and plaster of a house or the tin, plastic and rubber of a car. It’s just a piece of paper that reminds us of why we are together when we want to go… So we stay, and build, and grow. It’s just a piece of paper that gives her access to a place and space of peace and rest in me… a place where only she can come.
It is just a piece of paper that says that I will live up to the commitment to love my wife no matter what happens in my life. It’s just a piece of paper that I take seriously. Because of that piece of paper, I have joy. It IS just a piece of paper. But, it is the most important piece of paper that I have.
Heavenly Marriage
Ever since I have been a Christian, I have been excited about the idea of Heaven. I used to wonder why most of the Christians I knew were not excited about Heaven. Yeah, they want to go there, but they aren't as pumped up about it as they are about getting a new car or a new house. This has always seemed strange to me since Eternal Life, Heaven, is the primary thing that Jesus talked about. It is the primary reason He died on the cross. Yet, it seems that Christians spend very little time thinking about what Jesus spent most of His time talking about. Then it occurred to me that maybe the reason for the lack of interest is that so few Christians know how much the Bible says about Heaven. They get most of their concepts of Heaven from the movies and cartoons. I have to admit, the idea of sitting around on a cloud playing a harp for eternity is not very appealing. In the Bible, Heaven is described as a “kingdom” which indicates power and prominence; a “country” which gives the idea of identity; a “city” which brings to mind culture, creativity and productivity. And obviously, whatever is there is better than places like New York, Rome or Tokyo or Jesus would not have died to give us entry to it. Heaven will not be boring.
These days, people seem to be as uninterested in marriage as they are in Heaven. And for the same reason: They have a very watered down idea of what marriage is. I hear young men speaking of not wanting to “end their lives yet.” They don’t want to get “tied down.” They don’t want to “miss out” on something. They are afraid that they will get married and have to do the same things every day. The funny thing is, most of them are already doing the same things every day. They go out and hit on a lot of different women. But, they want to do the same thing with the women. They go to a lot of different places. But, they do the same thing every place they go. They are creatures of habit. They just don’t know it. In a real marriage, there is love and in love there is freedom. There is no sense of restriction. You are free to truly build a life together.
Building a relationship with another person is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do. Once you learn to think past the things you would do on your own, you can start to truly develop a meaningful and fulfilling bond with your spouse. What I mean by that is there are certain things you are going to do whether you married or not. You are going to work. You will have some place to live. If you want to, you will go to college. You will have some form of transportation. Marriage may determine how and when you do these things, but even if you were not married you were going to do them anyway. So, to think past these is to realize that, while important, these things won’t make or break your marriage unless you let them. Your marriage is above and beyond what you do for a living, where you live, how educated you are or what kind of a car you drive. Remember-- rich, educated, Mercedes driving folks get divorced more than poor people.
The rewards and excitement of marriage start with realizing that the relationship is about the two of you and not about what you have or don’t have. It is really that simple. We tend to complicate matters by adding conditions that don’t belong in the mix. Learning to love one another is a lifetime experience. Growing in that love is a lifetime joy. Appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, comforting, forgiving, anticipating and desiring one another are all part of the satisfying nature of marriage. Yes there will be problems. So what? If you stayed single for the rest of your life, guess what? There will be PROBLEMS. That’s just part of life. When you are single, you deal with the problems and move on. When you are married, you deal with the problems and move on.
For people who base their happiness in marriage on what they accumulate, marriage will become a dull boring experience. For people who base their happiness in marriage on building their relationship, marriage will continue to be fulfilling and satisfying. When you understand what to base your marriage on, you won’t fear getting married. As a Christian, I believe that God created marriage just as the Bible teaches. God did not create anything to be boring and dull. That includes Marriage and Heaven.
These days, people seem to be as uninterested in marriage as they are in Heaven. And for the same reason: They have a very watered down idea of what marriage is. I hear young men speaking of not wanting to “end their lives yet.” They don’t want to get “tied down.” They don’t want to “miss out” on something. They are afraid that they will get married and have to do the same things every day. The funny thing is, most of them are already doing the same things every day. They go out and hit on a lot of different women. But, they want to do the same thing with the women. They go to a lot of different places. But, they do the same thing every place they go. They are creatures of habit. They just don’t know it. In a real marriage, there is love and in love there is freedom. There is no sense of restriction. You are free to truly build a life together.
Building a relationship with another person is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do. Once you learn to think past the things you would do on your own, you can start to truly develop a meaningful and fulfilling bond with your spouse. What I mean by that is there are certain things you are going to do whether you married or not. You are going to work. You will have some place to live. If you want to, you will go to college. You will have some form of transportation. Marriage may determine how and when you do these things, but even if you were not married you were going to do them anyway. So, to think past these is to realize that, while important, these things won’t make or break your marriage unless you let them. Your marriage is above and beyond what you do for a living, where you live, how educated you are or what kind of a car you drive. Remember-- rich, educated, Mercedes driving folks get divorced more than poor people.
The rewards and excitement of marriage start with realizing that the relationship is about the two of you and not about what you have or don’t have. It is really that simple. We tend to complicate matters by adding conditions that don’t belong in the mix. Learning to love one another is a lifetime experience. Growing in that love is a lifetime joy. Appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, comforting, forgiving, anticipating and desiring one another are all part of the satisfying nature of marriage. Yes there will be problems. So what? If you stayed single for the rest of your life, guess what? There will be PROBLEMS. That’s just part of life. When you are single, you deal with the problems and move on. When you are married, you deal with the problems and move on.
For people who base their happiness in marriage on what they accumulate, marriage will become a dull boring experience. For people who base their happiness in marriage on building their relationship, marriage will continue to be fulfilling and satisfying. When you understand what to base your marriage on, you won’t fear getting married. As a Christian, I believe that God created marriage just as the Bible teaches. God did not create anything to be boring and dull. That includes Marriage and Heaven.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Your Cheating Heart
I made a statement at a meeting some years back and the reaction to it surprised me, amused me, and somewhat saddened me all at the same time. The statement was simply, “I will never cheat on my wife.” It seemed to me like a reasonable statement for a married man to make. But the immediate reaction to what I said made me wonder if I had committed blasphemy or something on that level. “How can you say something like that?” “You can’t say what you won’t ever do!” “You don’t know what you will do under the right circumstances!” “You are not being realistic!” “You are fooling yourself!” Now, these sentiments weren’t just being expressed to me, they were being shouted at me! I was actually being attacked for saying that I would never cheat on my wife. Oh, did I mention that the meeting was a men’s fellowship meeting and that those in attendance were pastors, ministers, deacons and other church members? I knew these men. They were all good men. That is why their reaction surprised, amused AND saddened me. In due time, I found this to be a pretty widespread opinion among both men and women concerning being faithful to their spouses. While people want to be and intend to be, they are reluctant to make a definite statement that they will be faithful. They seem to be afraid of some great “WHAT IF…” So, I suppose when I made the statement, the brothers attacked me in order to protect their own fears. Or maybe not.
I think people may tend to get temptation confused with yielding to temptation. They are, in fact, two entirely different things. You cannot control temptation because you never know when it is going to hit. That is why it is called temptation. It is usually a surprise. However, while you are not in control of what tempts you, you are definitely in control of how you react to it. Is temptation possible? Yes. Is it possible that anyone can yield to it? Yes. It is definitely possible. Possibilities are what the brothers were dealing with when they so vehemently disagreed with me. But, I wasn’t dealing with possibilities when I made the statement. I was dealing with probabilities. I know that it is theoretically possible for me to cheat. But, the probability of me cheating is: Zero. There is an old maxim called the 5 P’s: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. If I were to wait until I found myself in a compromising situation to decide what I should do, I would probably fall. But, if I have already made it up in my mind to stand, to be faithful to my wife, to be faithful to my love, to be faithful to my God, it becomes easy to walk away. If the furthest you’ve gotten in your thought process is, “I want to be faithful,” “I will try to be faithful,” “I should be faithful,” if this is as far as you have gotten, you are setting yourself up for failure. You have to have a made up mind to be properly prepared, to prevent poor performance.
The Bible tells us that a man is as he thinks in his heart. If you think it is possible for you to fall, you probably will at some point because you haven’t prepared yourself not to. When I think about the pain, hurt and disappointment that I would bring to my wife, my children and the offense to God just because I could not control my zipper, there is no probability that I would ever cheat. Temptation just happens, but resisting temptation is a matter of choice. God never holds us responsible for being tempted. But He does hold us responsible for yielding to it. The Bible says that God always gives you a way out of temptation. When I made the statement about not cheating on my wife, the brothers came up with all kinds of scenarios and “supposes” and such. But, the bottom line is: No matter what the temptation is, your feet still work. There really is no unwritten law that says just because you are tempted you have to yield to it.
I know men that think about being faithful all of the time. They worry about it. They agonize over it. The possibility of cheating scares them so much that they are afraid to look at another woman. They feel that they have no real control and that they are always one step away from slipping. With the thought of cheating on your mind all of the time, you are more likely to cheat than not. Men like me don’t particularly think about cheating or being faithful at all. Being faithful is just a part of who we are. There is nothing to think about. You just do it. You breathe, you are faithful. You drink water, you are faithful. I don’t have to think about breathing. I need to breathe to stay alive. I need water to stay alive. Faithfulness is necessary for my marriage to stay alive. So, I just do it. There is no alternative to consider. Being faithful has become as natural as breathing for me. I just do it. I don’t get up in the morning and think, “Should I be faithful today or not?” There is no “or not” therefore, there is no “should I?” It just is.
“I will never cheat on my wife.” It was a seemingly harmless statement to me. Yet, it brought about two hours of debate and conversation, all against my statement, by men who should have been making the same statement. To me, each one of those men should have been saying the same thing that I said. There was only one man who agreed with me and he didn’t let me know until we had a private conversation after the meeting was over. He didn’t want to catch any of the heat directed at me. Now as far as I know, all of these men are faithful to their wives. They are just not able to bring themselves to make a definite statement about what they will or won’t do. They are stuck in what could possibly happen if they are not careful. Possibility thinking is fine for some things such as plans for your future. When it comes to your marriage and being faithful, possibility thinking falls short. Probability thinking is what is needed. It is not “what will I possibility do?” It is “what will I probably do?” At some point in your life, you should know yourself well enough to say what you would probably do in a given set of circumstances. I know me well enough to know that I will never cheat on my wife. It is not that complicated. When it comes to cheating, just don’t do it. When it comes to being faithful, just do it. It works for me.
I think people may tend to get temptation confused with yielding to temptation. They are, in fact, two entirely different things. You cannot control temptation because you never know when it is going to hit. That is why it is called temptation. It is usually a surprise. However, while you are not in control of what tempts you, you are definitely in control of how you react to it. Is temptation possible? Yes. Is it possible that anyone can yield to it? Yes. It is definitely possible. Possibilities are what the brothers were dealing with when they so vehemently disagreed with me. But, I wasn’t dealing with possibilities when I made the statement. I was dealing with probabilities. I know that it is theoretically possible for me to cheat. But, the probability of me cheating is: Zero. There is an old maxim called the 5 P’s: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. If I were to wait until I found myself in a compromising situation to decide what I should do, I would probably fall. But, if I have already made it up in my mind to stand, to be faithful to my wife, to be faithful to my love, to be faithful to my God, it becomes easy to walk away. If the furthest you’ve gotten in your thought process is, “I want to be faithful,” “I will try to be faithful,” “I should be faithful,” if this is as far as you have gotten, you are setting yourself up for failure. You have to have a made up mind to be properly prepared, to prevent poor performance.
The Bible tells us that a man is as he thinks in his heart. If you think it is possible for you to fall, you probably will at some point because you haven’t prepared yourself not to. When I think about the pain, hurt and disappointment that I would bring to my wife, my children and the offense to God just because I could not control my zipper, there is no probability that I would ever cheat. Temptation just happens, but resisting temptation is a matter of choice. God never holds us responsible for being tempted. But He does hold us responsible for yielding to it. The Bible says that God always gives you a way out of temptation. When I made the statement about not cheating on my wife, the brothers came up with all kinds of scenarios and “supposes” and such. But, the bottom line is: No matter what the temptation is, your feet still work. There really is no unwritten law that says just because you are tempted you have to yield to it.
I know men that think about being faithful all of the time. They worry about it. They agonize over it. The possibility of cheating scares them so much that they are afraid to look at another woman. They feel that they have no real control and that they are always one step away from slipping. With the thought of cheating on your mind all of the time, you are more likely to cheat than not. Men like me don’t particularly think about cheating or being faithful at all. Being faithful is just a part of who we are. There is nothing to think about. You just do it. You breathe, you are faithful. You drink water, you are faithful. I don’t have to think about breathing. I need to breathe to stay alive. I need water to stay alive. Faithfulness is necessary for my marriage to stay alive. So, I just do it. There is no alternative to consider. Being faithful has become as natural as breathing for me. I just do it. I don’t get up in the morning and think, “Should I be faithful today or not?” There is no “or not” therefore, there is no “should I?” It just is.
“I will never cheat on my wife.” It was a seemingly harmless statement to me. Yet, it brought about two hours of debate and conversation, all against my statement, by men who should have been making the same statement. To me, each one of those men should have been saying the same thing that I said. There was only one man who agreed with me and he didn’t let me know until we had a private conversation after the meeting was over. He didn’t want to catch any of the heat directed at me. Now as far as I know, all of these men are faithful to their wives. They are just not able to bring themselves to make a definite statement about what they will or won’t do. They are stuck in what could possibly happen if they are not careful. Possibility thinking is fine for some things such as plans for your future. When it comes to your marriage and being faithful, possibility thinking falls short. Probability thinking is what is needed. It is not “what will I possibility do?” It is “what will I probably do?” At some point in your life, you should know yourself well enough to say what you would probably do in a given set of circumstances. I know me well enough to know that I will never cheat on my wife. It is not that complicated. When it comes to cheating, just don’t do it. When it comes to being faithful, just do it. It works for me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Momma Said...
I recently received an email from Anonymous asking about the plight of a single mother raising a boy. How can a mother, without a father in the home, teach her son to be a man? How do you teach a son to avoid the violence, to appreciate family values, to respect and love his wife and to value his accomplishments without challenging his manhood? I have to say, “Anonymous, you asked a mouthful.” I don’t know that I can adequately answer any of this, but I'll share a few of my thoughts on the matter.
I think that it is very important from an early age to teach the boy to think for himself. One way to do this is for you to value his opinion. If he has a good opinion, let him know. If he has a bad opinion, challenge him to think differently. Don’t tell him he is wrong or that his idea is silly. That will only crush him and eventually send him out to find people that will agree with him. Instead, if he is wrong, try saying something like, “I see that you've given this some thought, but have you considered…?” And then lead him into the right way of thinking. This type of response leads to discussion instead of argument. “Have you considered…?” challenges a person to think about what he has just said, to listen to what you are saying, and to compare the two concepts. This takes time and patience on your part, but if you want to help to develop a thinking man, you have to put in the time.
Yes, there is violence, drugs and many other vices out there. When he goes out of your front door, he will run into all kinds of bad influences. It is important for you to instill in him that he has a choice. While there are many bad things out there, there are many more good things out there to choose from. Hold him responsible for the choices that he makes. Don’t give him the convenient out based on“peer pressure.” Let him know that peer pressure can work in both directions. He can influence someone to do good rather than allowing himself to be influenced to do bad. He has a choice. Don’t accept the “broken home” excuse for having done wrong. There are men who came from broken homes who went on to become some of the worst criminals in the city. That was their choice. There are other men from broken homes who went on to become truck drivers, lawyers, janitors, doctors, teachers, store clerks, musicians, and on and on. They made a choice to make an honest living. When a man understands the essence of choice, he understands the essence of manhood. As long as he blames someone else (missing dad, the white man, his peers, etc.) he is a slave to that person. If that person never comes back or never changes then he can never change because he has given them power over how he conducts his life. As long as he blames circumstances for his plight (broken home, racism, etc.) he is a slave to that circumstance. If it doesn’t change, then he can’t. But, if he takes responsibility for his own choices, then he has the power to change his mind when he makes a bad decision. If he knows that it was his choice to do wrong, then he knows that he can make the choice to do right.
Tell him about his father. If at all possible, encourage a relationship between him and his father. Because you and his father didn’t make it doesn’t mean that he and his father won’t make it. Don’t use him as a weapon against the father by not allowing the father to see him out of spite. Don’t belittle his father to him. You don’t have to pretend that his father is better than he actually is, but don’t constantly bring up the fact that the man is a dog in your opinion. That is very unhealthy for a boy to hear. He will respect you more if you don’t speak badly of his father. Plus, he knows that you are the one who is caring for him. He is not blind. Because he wants to love and respect his father doesn’t mean that he loves you less. You don’t have to feel threatened. If he is never going to see his father, then tell him whatever good you remember about his father. Unless you were raped, there was something that attracted you to his father. Let him know those qualities. It will help him to feel better about himself in the long run.
If you date, make sure you date men that respect you. If you accept a bunch of doggish men in and out of your life, then you are telling your son by default that it is alright to treat women like that. After all, if it is good enough for Momma, it’s good enough for any other woman.
Teach him to respect and to love women by showing him a mother that he can love and respect. Talk to him about how to treat a woman. Share with him what your concept of a “good woman” is. Respect the woman that he eventually chooses even if she doesn’t fit your “ideal woman” for your son. Respect her and he will respect her. Love her and he will love her more.
Love is taught by being loving. I don’t mean a smothering over protective kind of love. I mean an encouraging love; a corrective love; an enlightening love; a nurturing and teaching love; an empowering love. I mean a love that starts and ends with loving God. God is larger than any circumstance or person. If your son has a love for the Lord and wants to please Him, he will make the right choices. He will know that if he does this, it will please God. He will know that he can’t do that and still please God. Loving God will keep him focused. Teaching a boy to be a man starts with teaching him to love God. You may not see the results right away, but in due time you will see the MAN that you desire to blossom out of the boy that you raised.
There is so much to say on a subject like this. I haven’t even scratched the surface. But, I hope that I have at least given you some food for thought.
I think that it is very important from an early age to teach the boy to think for himself. One way to do this is for you to value his opinion. If he has a good opinion, let him know. If he has a bad opinion, challenge him to think differently. Don’t tell him he is wrong or that his idea is silly. That will only crush him and eventually send him out to find people that will agree with him. Instead, if he is wrong, try saying something like, “I see that you've given this some thought, but have you considered…?” And then lead him into the right way of thinking. This type of response leads to discussion instead of argument. “Have you considered…?” challenges a person to think about what he has just said, to listen to what you are saying, and to compare the two concepts. This takes time and patience on your part, but if you want to help to develop a thinking man, you have to put in the time.
Yes, there is violence, drugs and many other vices out there. When he goes out of your front door, he will run into all kinds of bad influences. It is important for you to instill in him that he has a choice. While there are many bad things out there, there are many more good things out there to choose from. Hold him responsible for the choices that he makes. Don’t give him the convenient out based on“peer pressure.” Let him know that peer pressure can work in both directions. He can influence someone to do good rather than allowing himself to be influenced to do bad. He has a choice. Don’t accept the “broken home” excuse for having done wrong. There are men who came from broken homes who went on to become some of the worst criminals in the city. That was their choice. There are other men from broken homes who went on to become truck drivers, lawyers, janitors, doctors, teachers, store clerks, musicians, and on and on. They made a choice to make an honest living. When a man understands the essence of choice, he understands the essence of manhood. As long as he blames someone else (missing dad, the white man, his peers, etc.) he is a slave to that person. If that person never comes back or never changes then he can never change because he has given them power over how he conducts his life. As long as he blames circumstances for his plight (broken home, racism, etc.) he is a slave to that circumstance. If it doesn’t change, then he can’t. But, if he takes responsibility for his own choices, then he has the power to change his mind when he makes a bad decision. If he knows that it was his choice to do wrong, then he knows that he can make the choice to do right.
Tell him about his father. If at all possible, encourage a relationship between him and his father. Because you and his father didn’t make it doesn’t mean that he and his father won’t make it. Don’t use him as a weapon against the father by not allowing the father to see him out of spite. Don’t belittle his father to him. You don’t have to pretend that his father is better than he actually is, but don’t constantly bring up the fact that the man is a dog in your opinion. That is very unhealthy for a boy to hear. He will respect you more if you don’t speak badly of his father. Plus, he knows that you are the one who is caring for him. He is not blind. Because he wants to love and respect his father doesn’t mean that he loves you less. You don’t have to feel threatened. If he is never going to see his father, then tell him whatever good you remember about his father. Unless you were raped, there was something that attracted you to his father. Let him know those qualities. It will help him to feel better about himself in the long run.
If you date, make sure you date men that respect you. If you accept a bunch of doggish men in and out of your life, then you are telling your son by default that it is alright to treat women like that. After all, if it is good enough for Momma, it’s good enough for any other woman.
Teach him to respect and to love women by showing him a mother that he can love and respect. Talk to him about how to treat a woman. Share with him what your concept of a “good woman” is. Respect the woman that he eventually chooses even if she doesn’t fit your “ideal woman” for your son. Respect her and he will respect her. Love her and he will love her more.
Love is taught by being loving. I don’t mean a smothering over protective kind of love. I mean an encouraging love; a corrective love; an enlightening love; a nurturing and teaching love; an empowering love. I mean a love that starts and ends with loving God. God is larger than any circumstance or person. If your son has a love for the Lord and wants to please Him, he will make the right choices. He will know that if he does this, it will please God. He will know that he can’t do that and still please God. Loving God will keep him focused. Teaching a boy to be a man starts with teaching him to love God. You may not see the results right away, but in due time you will see the MAN that you desire to blossom out of the boy that you raised.
There is so much to say on a subject like this. I haven’t even scratched the surface. But, I hope that I have at least given you some food for thought.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
There Is A Man Who Loves
There is a man who loves his wife. Yes, there is such a man. You would not know it by how men are portrayed in the mass media. But, he really does exist. Married men are usually portrayed as stupid, bumbling fools at best and as cheaters, wife beaters and murderers at worst. If they happen to be ministers, they also usually doubt their faith and are harsh and unloving. If they happen to be Black, they will do most of the above. If they happen to be black ministers, they will do all of the above. People watch these stereotypes over and over again until it is expected of men to be like that in real life. No one is surprised when the married minister runs off with the church money and the church secretary. “Are there any good men out there?” is almost a mantra now.
One of the reasons that I decided to start posting these blogs was to reassure people that there are men who truly do love their wives. I am one, but there are many more like me. Don’t allow the negative images of married men to frighten you away from a life of love. I know men of all races and occupations who are good husbands. I happen to be Black and I also happen to be a Christian minister. I am a man who was there during the early years when love was new. When our love was new, my wife would ask the question, “Do you love me?” New love, while exciting, is uncertain. It hasn’t stood the test of time. So, the question, “Do you love me?” is a valid one. I am also a man who stayed the course through the tough times to get back to the good times and to move on to the great times. I am still here and now our love is old. Old love is so much better than new love. The question, “Do you love me?” is not an issue anymore. She knows that I am still in love with her and I know that she is still in love with me. We don’t have to question our love anymore, we just enjoy it.
Yes, there is a man who spends everyday falling in love with his wife. There is a man, a minister, who loves God with his whole heart, mind and soul; a man, who through his love for the Lord, learned to love his wife unconditionally. There is a man, a Black man, who is not threatened by his wife’s accomplishments, but, rather, encourages her to be all that she wants to be. After all of these years, there is a man whose love for his wife is still growing. I want you to know that there is a man whose wife still feels beautiful when he looks at her; a man whose wife still feels desired by him more than ever. In the movies, all you basically see are black men who are hustlers, cheaters, players, and gamers. You see men who are afraid of commitment. You see men who are afraid of marriage because they fear they might miss out on the next best thing that comes along. In other words, you see a long list of stupid, selfish, unsure of themselves boys (Oops, I mean men). But, I want you to know that in real life, there is a man, a Black man, who loves his wife. There is a man who is committed to that love to the end.
In the movies, you see ministers portrayed as being foolish, uncertain of their faith in hard times, cheaters, thieves, cultists and worst. But, in real life, there is a man who truly loves the Lord; a man who understands what it means Biblically to be a Christian. There is a man, a Black man, a minister, who is truly surrendered to the Lord and committed to serving Him. Yes, there is such a man. I am that man. In fact, I am just one of a great many men who love God and love their wives. I am not unique by any means. We don’t get much press, but, we do exist. There is a man who can look at his wife and say, “After all of these years, I am still so very much in love with you.”
One of the reasons that I decided to start posting these blogs was to reassure people that there are men who truly do love their wives. I am one, but there are many more like me. Don’t allow the negative images of married men to frighten you away from a life of love. I know men of all races and occupations who are good husbands. I happen to be Black and I also happen to be a Christian minister. I am a man who was there during the early years when love was new. When our love was new, my wife would ask the question, “Do you love me?” New love, while exciting, is uncertain. It hasn’t stood the test of time. So, the question, “Do you love me?” is a valid one. I am also a man who stayed the course through the tough times to get back to the good times and to move on to the great times. I am still here and now our love is old. Old love is so much better than new love. The question, “Do you love me?” is not an issue anymore. She knows that I am still in love with her and I know that she is still in love with me. We don’t have to question our love anymore, we just enjoy it.
Yes, there is a man who spends everyday falling in love with his wife. There is a man, a minister, who loves God with his whole heart, mind and soul; a man, who through his love for the Lord, learned to love his wife unconditionally. There is a man, a Black man, who is not threatened by his wife’s accomplishments, but, rather, encourages her to be all that she wants to be. After all of these years, there is a man whose love for his wife is still growing. I want you to know that there is a man whose wife still feels beautiful when he looks at her; a man whose wife still feels desired by him more than ever. In the movies, all you basically see are black men who are hustlers, cheaters, players, and gamers. You see men who are afraid of commitment. You see men who are afraid of marriage because they fear they might miss out on the next best thing that comes along. In other words, you see a long list of stupid, selfish, unsure of themselves boys (Oops, I mean men). But, I want you to know that in real life, there is a man, a Black man, who loves his wife. There is a man who is committed to that love to the end.
In the movies, you see ministers portrayed as being foolish, uncertain of their faith in hard times, cheaters, thieves, cultists and worst. But, in real life, there is a man who truly loves the Lord; a man who understands what it means Biblically to be a Christian. There is a man, a Black man, a minister, who is truly surrendered to the Lord and committed to serving Him. Yes, there is such a man. I am that man. In fact, I am just one of a great many men who love God and love their wives. I am not unique by any means. We don’t get much press, but, we do exist. There is a man who can look at his wife and say, “After all of these years, I am still so very much in love with you.”
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Am I Sexy Enough For You?
Some women spend a lot of money, time and energy in the name of looking cute and sexy. Low cut tops to show off their cleavage, and short dresses and skirts to show off their legs are quite common. And that is the problem, it is QUITE COMMON. It is seen so much, that one blends into another. There is always another sexy, cute girl around the corner. You see, sexy and cute appeal to the eye. Sexy never gets past the eye of most men. And the eyes have no memory. The eyes focus on what’s in front of them at the moment. Out of sight, out of mind. That is the essence of cute and sexy. Sexy will always get attention, but it almost never holds interest. And you don’t hear grown men referring to a woman that he is interested in as being “cute.” Cute is for boys, not men. Men use words like attractive, beautiful, sensual and many other ways to describe a woman of interest. But, not cute. Cute is reserved for boys and girls.
The woman that holds a man’s attention is the one who gets past his eyes and into his head. Sexy and cute very seldom get into a man’s head. There is a difference between being sexy, which is contrived and made up and having sex appeal, which flows naturally from the woman’s character. Men remember women who are self aware and self confident. Sexy is only self centered. Self confident-self centered: Be aware of the difference. A sexy woman tries to dress to make her self look good. A self aware woman makes what ever she wears look good. She understands that clothes don’t make the woman, the woman makes the clothes. She is not into fad, she is into style. And her style is personal. It fits her. She is the one who will get past the eyes of a man and get into his head. He knows that there is not another “her” right around the corner.
Sexy, at the most, leads to a booty call. Class and style lead to relationships. Taking care of how she looks is automatic for a self confident woman. So, her whole life is not about how she looks. She also is interested in other people and develops a sense of humor about her self. She is usually easy to talk to. I am not talking about cookie cutter, stamped out women who all think and act alike. These are just general qualities that are usually found in self confident women to one degree or another. How they play out in each particular woman is different. They will have different tastes in clothes, foods, music, humor, etc. One could be dressed in a sweat shirt and jeans and the other in an evening gown and they could have vastly different personalities. But, both will still exhibit that easy self confidence, that sense of self that goes way beyond the taste in clothes. And they will both get past the eyes of a man and into his head, though for very different reasons.
Toys are cute. You don’t want to be just another cute plaything for some man who still thinks like a boy. Men look at cute and sexy, no doubt. But, there is no long term attraction to cute and sexy because more is always on the way. Cute and sexy is like icing without the cake: Sweet, but no substance. You get tired of sweet with no substance very quickly. Men may look at “sweet” and may even want to taste “sweet,” but, they are attracted to substance. Again, I am talking about men, not boys.
I am not posting this to put any woman down regardless of how she dresses. I am simply sharing some facts of life that I shared with my daughter. Women sometimes think they know what men want. I am telling you what they really want. You are free to dress and act any way that you like. But, remember, if you only reach the eyes, it’s out of sight, out of mind. If you really want to impress a man, don’t try. Just be yourself and you will get past his eyes and into his head.
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