Ever since I have been a Christian, I have heard people ask some form of this question: "If God is so good, then how can He allow so much evil in the world?" When people ask that question, they seem not to be aware that the answer is in the question itself. "How can God allow...(whatever)?" God allows it. He doesn't cause it. He gave us a free will to choose to love Him or to choose not to love Him. He gave us a free will to choose to do the right thing or to choose not to do the right thing. God tells us to feed the hungry. We choose to throw it into the ocean in order to control prices. He tells us to walk in peace and we choose to make war. He tells us to love and we choose to hate. We make choices and then we blame God for the consequences of our choices. If God forced us to love, then it would not truly be love and we would, no doubt, rebel against Him for taking away our freedom of choice. If we want freedom of choice, we have to be able to accept the responsibility of the consequences of our choices and stop blaming God.
We tend to do the same thing in marriage. We make statements like, "YOU made me mad." "YOU made me cheat." "YOU made me hit you." "YOU made me…!" We do something wrong and we want to blame our spouses for our actions. "I wouldn't have done this to you if you hadn't done that." It is an amazing fete of con artistry. You do or say something hurtful to your spouse and then present yourself as the victim. "It's YOUR fault that I hurt you!" Just as we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning God, we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning our spouses. It's a way of controlling the marriage. If you can con your spouse into apologizing for putting you in a position to hurt her (him), then you are always in control. No matter what you do (wrong), you are not to blame. The truly amazing thing is how many people buy into that stuff. They feel guilty because they "forced" their spouses to hurt them.
It is way past time for people to grow up and accept responsibility for their own actions in their marriage. If you hurt your spouse, it is your fault. If you never accept responsibility for your actions, then you can never change your actions. Just as people know the right thing to do in society at large and choose not to do it, the same is true in marriage. You know the right thing to do and don't. You know if you are lying. You know if what you are saying is hurtful. You know if you are cheating. You know. Yet, you choose not to do the right thing. Greed, pride and selfishness cause people to misuse others in society. These are reasons that countries invade other countries, companies overcharge and under service, and the hungry and sickly are not given any attention. These are also some primary reasons that marriages fail. Greed, pride and selfishness brought into the marriage will kill it every time.
I know that with all of the delicate sensibilities of peoples' psyches, this is not as simple as I am making it sound. There are all sorts of variables in relationships that bring about a lot of actions and reactions. Peoples' lives are complicated. Relationships are complicated. But, the fact remains: you know when you purposely hurt someone. You know when you purposely wrong someone. Greed, pride and selfishness will make you blame your victim for your actions. In a marriage, this spells “Doom”. Change starts with admitting that you are wrong. But, it doesn't stop there. Just admitting that you are wrong and not changing anything is just another con game. If you don't change, what good does it do to admit guilt? Your spouse already knows that you are wrong so you're not telling him (her) anything new. What your wife or husband wants to know is how you are going to change your actions. This is not about going to "confession" to get it off your chest. It is not about "cleansing your soul" by telling the truth. It is about making positive change in your life to be a better husband, a better wife. It is about stopping the con game, not adding to it. Admitting that you are wrong and not changing is like putting on a pot of boiling water. You get a whole lot of action, but in the end, all you have is a pot full of hot steam.
Jesus said, "If you love Me, obey My commandments." James said, "Faith without works is dead." In others words, put some actions behind your words. "I was wrong" requires an "I will do right." "I will do right" requires accompanying right actions.
I often hear the old "I know I was wrong, BUT…" stories. "I know I was wrong but she did…" "I know I was wrong, but, if he only would have…" You do wrong in response to what your spouse did. The thing is, you can't help what your spouse did or said, but you can control your reactions to it. You are still in control of you. You can still make right choices. I'm not saying that it is always easy to make the right choice. But, it is always better to make the right choice.
Marriage is a fragile matter in the beginning years. There are habits that both parties have to change in order to make the relationship work at it highest level. Blaming your spouse for what you do wrong is one of the main things that needs to change as soon as possible. Once you start blaming, it gets easier and easier to do it. You get hung up on the control it gives you and you even start to believe your own press about you being the "real victim". When you reach that point, you are not only deceiving your spouse, you are deceiving yourself just as we deceive ourselves when we blame God for what we do. While you are living in this self-deceived state, it becomes easier to hurt your spouse. After all, it's really not your fault. She (he) made you do it. If you don't change, your marriage will be, at best, mediocre for you, painful for your spouse, and will probably end in divorce. "Oops!...My Bad" without change is a waste of good breath. A good marriage requires a change of bad habits. How much are you willing to change?
We tend to do the same thing in marriage. We make statements like, "YOU made me mad." "YOU made me cheat." "YOU made me hit you." "YOU made me…!" We do something wrong and we want to blame our spouses for our actions. "I wouldn't have done this to you if you hadn't done that." It is an amazing fete of con artistry. You do or say something hurtful to your spouse and then present yourself as the victim. "It's YOUR fault that I hurt you!" Just as we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning God, we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning our spouses. It's a way of controlling the marriage. If you can con your spouse into apologizing for putting you in a position to hurt her (him), then you are always in control. No matter what you do (wrong), you are not to blame. The truly amazing thing is how many people buy into that stuff. They feel guilty because they "forced" their spouses to hurt them.
It is way past time for people to grow up and accept responsibility for their own actions in their marriage. If you hurt your spouse, it is your fault. If you never accept responsibility for your actions, then you can never change your actions. Just as people know the right thing to do in society at large and choose not to do it, the same is true in marriage. You know the right thing to do and don't. You know if you are lying. You know if what you are saying is hurtful. You know if you are cheating. You know. Yet, you choose not to do the right thing. Greed, pride and selfishness cause people to misuse others in society. These are reasons that countries invade other countries, companies overcharge and under service, and the hungry and sickly are not given any attention. These are also some primary reasons that marriages fail. Greed, pride and selfishness brought into the marriage will kill it every time.
I know that with all of the delicate sensibilities of peoples' psyches, this is not as simple as I am making it sound. There are all sorts of variables in relationships that bring about a lot of actions and reactions. Peoples' lives are complicated. Relationships are complicated. But, the fact remains: you know when you purposely hurt someone. You know when you purposely wrong someone. Greed, pride and selfishness will make you blame your victim for your actions. In a marriage, this spells “Doom”. Change starts with admitting that you are wrong. But, it doesn't stop there. Just admitting that you are wrong and not changing anything is just another con game. If you don't change, what good does it do to admit guilt? Your spouse already knows that you are wrong so you're not telling him (her) anything new. What your wife or husband wants to know is how you are going to change your actions. This is not about going to "confession" to get it off your chest. It is not about "cleansing your soul" by telling the truth. It is about making positive change in your life to be a better husband, a better wife. It is about stopping the con game, not adding to it. Admitting that you are wrong and not changing is like putting on a pot of boiling water. You get a whole lot of action, but in the end, all you have is a pot full of hot steam.
Jesus said, "If you love Me, obey My commandments." James said, "Faith without works is dead." In others words, put some actions behind your words. "I was wrong" requires an "I will do right." "I will do right" requires accompanying right actions.
I often hear the old "I know I was wrong, BUT…" stories. "I know I was wrong but she did…" "I know I was wrong, but, if he only would have…" You do wrong in response to what your spouse did. The thing is, you can't help what your spouse did or said, but you can control your reactions to it. You are still in control of you. You can still make right choices. I'm not saying that it is always easy to make the right choice. But, it is always better to make the right choice.
Marriage is a fragile matter in the beginning years. There are habits that both parties have to change in order to make the relationship work at it highest level. Blaming your spouse for what you do wrong is one of the main things that needs to change as soon as possible. Once you start blaming, it gets easier and easier to do it. You get hung up on the control it gives you and you even start to believe your own press about you being the "real victim". When you reach that point, you are not only deceiving your spouse, you are deceiving yourself just as we deceive ourselves when we blame God for what we do. While you are living in this self-deceived state, it becomes easier to hurt your spouse. After all, it's really not your fault. She (he) made you do it. If you don't change, your marriage will be, at best, mediocre for you, painful for your spouse, and will probably end in divorce. "Oops!...My Bad" without change is a waste of good breath. A good marriage requires a change of bad habits. How much are you willing to change?
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