But, What About The Pain?

HER TEARS FELL

By Charles H. Perkins

So much love to give
such a long time since
she had given it.
He was gone…
and she was fine being alone
until her aloneness turned to loneliness.
Then…Her tears fell…

How often had she thought,
“If there were only someone…”
But, there was no one…
There was no one.
Alone…Her tears fell.

When there was love, there were no tears.
But, love had fluttered out her life
on the wings of a butterfly
leaving from it’s resting place
in her heart.
No more love…Her tears fell.

Tears washing away the dust
from yesterday’s memories.
Tears Dissolving cobwebs from the innocence
that once flowed freely
through her spirit when she had loved.

She saw life as an outlaw
stealing her love
and taking the knife of nothingness
to pierce her spirit
so that happiness
slowly oozed from the wound
and fell in drops of crushed emotions
at her feet.
A wounded spirit…Her tears fell.

Although, at the end,
it had been bitter,
she remembered only
the tender moments they shared…
all the love they made…
the good times.
Now, the good times were gone.
He was gone.
So…Her tears fell.

Tomorrow would come…
Her tears would be dry…
Her wounded spirit healed…
But, right now, being alone
and being lonely…
Her tears fell.

c. 1970

Break-ups can be funny. They can indeed be very funny. Or, maybe I just have a weird sense of humor. Back in the pre-historic times of the 1960's, I was in the military and engaged to a young lady back home. Naturally, we wrote each other love letters (There was no email back then, so we actually bought stationary and wrote letters). One day, I received the most beautiful love letter from her that I had ever received. It went on to proclaim undying love for me. I mean it was just filled with wonderful declarations of love. She had never written me a letter so loving before. The next day…THE VERY NEXT DAY, I received a letter from her telling me that she was getting married to someone else. The contrast was so great between the two letters, one of undying love for me and the other telling me that she's leaving me for someone else, that I couldn't even get mad. In fact, all I could do was laugh. For some reason it struck me as the funniest thing that had ever happened to me. But, having been married for 34 years now, I can say that my love life turned out great anyway.

Some break-ups can be funny. Most are not. Most break-ups are painful. There are the obvious painful break-ups that result from abuse, adultery, drugs and alcohol.

Sometimes it is not quite so clear as to why the break-up occurs, although you can see the relationship coming to an end. The feelings are fading. The desire is fading. The interest is fading. And so on…Until finally, the relationship fades. There may not even be any harsh words or attitudes. Just the reality that it is over. And then, the pain starts. Pain that comes from a feeling of failure and disappointment. Pain of a lost love that could have been, but is helpless to be. You both want to stop it and go on with a life together, but you don't know how, so, you break up. The lost is painful and it is a pain that has built up over time.

Then there is the sudden break up. The break up that is not expected. You think that everything is cool and then one party decides to end it just like that. And, to top matters off, he or she has no real explanation as to why they want to end it. They come up with some sort of excuse, but, no real reason. The pain is sudden and sharp because you are not prepared for it.

There are all kinds of break-ups. If you live long enough, you will probably experience one if you haven't already. But, after the acceptance of it, after deciding to go on with your life, after all is said and done, what about the pain?

In most cases, there will be pain. It hurts to lose someone that you love. Well meaning friends and relatives will tell you not to worry. They will tell you that everything will be alright. They will tell you that you will get over him (her). It will sound like noise to you, but you listen anyway because you realize that they mean well and that they don't know what else to say. Even though you don't want to hear it, they are right. Worrying never solved anything. It only makes it worse. And, at some point, you will get over it. When that point is depends on you.

Things such as acceptance and forgiveness speed up the process of getting over the pain. But, TIME is the main healer of a broken heart. After the acceptance and forgiveness (both are necessary), you begin to take control over life again. Each day, you gain small victories in the healing process. Just when you are sure that you have gotten over it, something happens to spur a memory, a feeling and the pain hits you again. Don't worry. You are not having a relapse. If you loved someone, it is only natural that the pain of the break-up will reoccur from time to time. But, in time, it will reoccur less and less. Then, eventually, not at all. You will be able to see the person without any pain, anger, disappointment or feelings of loss. Eventually, you will get past all of the pain. It may not seem like it at the time, but you will.

I personally don't care for pity parties. When I hurt, I look for things to cheer me up. I don't need people telling me how bad things are. I already know that. But, if you feel you need a pity party to vent, get together with a couple of good friends, have a good community crying session one or two times then start your healing process. You can't continue to have folks around you telling you how no good he was and how she did you wrong. You already know all of that. The longer you keep up a pity party, the longer you will stay in the same place emotionally. Things that stay in the same place tend to stagnate. At some point, you have to decide to live again. You have to decide to stop being somebody's "ex" and start being the new you. Pain is much easier to deal with when you are in control of your life. You are in control when you decide to take control. God gave you a mind and a free will. Use them to set yourself free. Yes, it will take time. But, the amount of time depends on you.

The Missing Link

You have either heard it or said it before. It goes something like this: “We need to talk.” Or, “Let’s talk.” It’s either one of those two phrases or something that means talking about it. It’s been drilled into you over and over that in order to have a great or even good relationship you have to deal with the “C” word: COMMUNICATION!!! And, in truth, communication is very important. You have to learn how to talk to one another. When to talk to one another. Where to talk to one another. Talking out small things helps to keep them from turning into big things.

It is common to hear someone complain about their marriage saying, “We just don’t talk anymore.” It is at this point where they usually say that they have “grown apart.” In order to fix the situation, they feel that they need to communicate. And they probably do. The thing is, communication by itself often doesn’t help. I have seen people communicate perfectly. They are in total agreement. They communicate and agree with each other right to divorce court. They are in total communication and complete agreement that they no longer want to be together. So, lack of communication was not the problem. What they communicated about was the problem. Communication alone was the problem.

What they needed more than communication was the re-establishment of CONNECTION. Jesus told the loveless church in Rev. 2:5 to remember from where they had fallen, to repent and to repeat their first works. That is a great principle to use here. Use the three R’s: Remember, Repent and Repeat. To rebuild that connection you first need to remember how it used to be. Remember the intimacy, the touch, the feelings, the concern that made you want to be together in the first place. Remember the point in your wedding ceremony when you first truly realized that this is my wife, this is my husband. Remember that feeling of anticipation. Remember how you could not wait to be in her presence, how you couldn’t wait for his call. Get all of the business of your career, your education, your job title, your degree, the house, the bills and everything else out of your minds and just remember each other. Reconnection starts in the mind…REMEMBER!!!

REPENT!!! If what you are doing is not working, stop doing it. To repent means to do a 180 degree turn from the direction that you are going in. Look at what you are doing with each other that is not working, stop it and start to do something else. You know if you are contributing to the relationship or not. You know if you are being loving or not. Whatever YOU are doing to hurt the relationship, stop it. Stop the hurtful language in talking to one another; stop the cold silences; stop the nagging, complaining and criticizing (even helpful criticism).

Remember, repent and REPEAT. Repeat your first works of love toward each other. Repeat the walks, the drives, the dinner dates. Most of all, repeat the feelings, how you think of each other, how you treat each other. Then, create new memories to repeat. Fall in love again. Like I always say, this is a decision of choice, not merely of feelings. You have to decide to love each other all over again. You have to decide to have a great, life long love affair with each other. You have to decide to make your marriage special. And you have to make those choices and those decisions every day. Today is the day that you have. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn’t come yet. So, decide today to love one another…then do it.

Communication by itself doesn’t necessarily lead to a better marriage relationship. But, communication out the context of connection does. Quite often, connection is the missing link. Reconnect to God. Reconnect to each other. Reconnect to love. Reconnect today.

What's My Name?

When Cassious Clay first changed his name to Muhammad Ali, he fought a fighter named Ernie Terrell. Terrell refused to call Clay Muhammad Ali. So, when they fought and Ali had the fight well in hand, he began to taunt Terrell. Every time he would hit Ernie, he would yell out “What’s my name!” Whap!!! “What’s my name!!!?” Whap!!! Whap!!! “WHAT’S MY NAME!!!?” Terrell finally got his name right. What’s your name? In her twenty eight years of being alive, my daughter, Maisha, has never heard me call her mother out of her name. No matter how much we disagreed or argued over a situation, I never called her out of her name.

We named our daughter Maisha. We did not name her bitch, ‘ho, or whore. We did not name her any other derogatory name. We named her Maisha. I have always told her not to accept being called out of her name by any one. I don’t care if it is in today’s music or even if it has become an acceptable part of today’s cultural environment, to call a woman a bitch or ‘ho is total disrespect. No race, no family, no couple can grow strong if there is not respect for the woman.

“Lady” is a nickname that I have always had for my daughter. When she was about 12 or 13, she asked me one day, “Why do you always call me ‘Lady’?” I told her it was because I wanted her to remember that is what she is, to always act like one and to never let any boy treat her less than a lady. A real man will always treat a woman with respect . I told her that she doesn’t ever have to settle for anything in a relationship less than a real man. He can use his most romantic “Barry White” voice to say “You’re my bitch.” When he says that, it’s time to step. If he says it, he’s thinking it. If he’s thinking it, eventually he will treat you that way because if you stay, you are by your actions saying that it is okay for him to treat you that way. It’s a pimp mentality. He will treat you sweet and disrespect you at the same time. It is a means of control. STEP as fast as you can because you have a BOY with a pimp’s mind who will use you up and move on to the next woman who is weak enough to let him in. Don’t think he is going to change. If you accepted him that way, why should he? What’s even worse is when you come to the point to where you accept yourself as a bitch or a ‘ho.

I have heard all of the excuses (there are no real reasons) for this type of language directed at women. The main one seems to be that this is just the language of the streets today. No harm is meant. Well, it really doesn’t matter what’s meant. What matters is what happens. What matters is what the effects are. When you have 6 and 7 year old boys thinking it’s alright to call girls ‘ho’s, there is harm. When you have young girls giggling when some stupid boy calls her a bitch, there is harm. When the degradation of women becomes acceptable, there is harm. When a man loses the ability to love a woman because he thinks of all women as bitches and ‘ho’s , there is harm. When a woman has no respect for her self and thinks she is unworthy of true love, there is harm.

I was a member of the Watt’s Writer’s Workshop back in the ‘70’s. I remember when the men in the workshop along with other poets from both the West coast and the East coast had a meeting and declared that it was time to stop disrespecting our women in the writing. It was time to start uplifting them in every way that we could. It happened then with just a decision to do it. The same thing can happen now with just a decision to do it.

What I said to my daughter, I say to all women: Never let a man define you into something less than what you are. I should say a boy because a man would not do that to begin with. There is so much yet to be said in this area to both men and women. I can’t say it all here. But, I can say to you, Respect yourself. Respect others. Expect to be respected by others. Don’t stay in a disrespectful relationship. If God loved you enough to die for you, how can you love yourself any less? If God thought you were precious enough to die for you, how can you stay in a relationship with a man who thinks of you as a bitch? Hold yourself to a higher standard in life than the current culture demands. Remember, culture is just what you do. Maybe it is time to start doing something else.

Tit For Tat

Love is often treated like a child’s game. We wait to see what the other person is going to do and then we react. We only show love when it is shown to us first. And, we try to measure it out to make sure that we only give as much as we got and not a drop more. To top it off, we are surprised when, after a period of time, our love hasn’t grown. It has, in fact, become stagnant. That’s the way it is with tit for tat love. By waiting, you wait yourself into mediocrity.

I had to look at God’s love for me in order to learn how to truly love my wife. God doesn’t love me because…He doesn’t love me if…He doesn’t love me although…He just loves me. Jesus didn’t die for me because I deserved it. He died for me because He loved me. He loved me by choice not by response. I am told to love my wife as Christ loves the Church.

As I started putting all of this together, I found a whole new freedom in loving my wife. If I love her as God loves me, then it is not dependent on what she does. She did not do anything to earn my love so she can’t do anything to lose it. I love her by choice. That means that I can love her as deeply as I want to. And I have found that there are no limits to the depth of my love for her. Once I started loving her freely, my love continues to grow deeper and deeper as time goes on. I am really looking forward to exploring depths of love that I haven’t even imagined yet. Loving her in this way, by choice, means also that she doesn’t have to continually prove her love for me. She is free to love me freely and without strings. In other words, she is not compelled to stay with me. She is here because she wants to be and so am I.

Like I said, it’s not tit for tat love. I don’t wait for her to show me love before I show her love. I just love her. If we both freely give, we both receive. Jesus died for me without any guarantee of me responding to His love. I had to learn to love my wife without any guarantee of her responding to my love. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church is the command. That is how Christ loves the Church: Freely. That’s how I love my wife.

In that freedom, I am free to be faithful to my wife. I am not compelled to cheat. I am free to desire her as much as I want to (And that’s a whole bunch). I want her to always feel beautiful because I am looking at her. I want her to always see desire for her in MY eyes. When I gaze at her, I want her to know that she still has it. And from my gaze I want her to know that I still want it.
I can’t determine how much or even how she loves me. That’s up to her. I can only control how much and how I love her. I can only do my part and she can only do hers. In this freedom of love, we are free to forgive some things. We are free to work through some things. We are free to build a life together… to grow together… to become one together. To continue to love each other as deeply as possible is our choice. What is yours?

The Pot Luck, The Rose, And The Weed

A “pot luck” meal is usually a joyous occasion। Friends and family come together and everyone brings a dish. The thing that makes a pot luck so great is that everyone tends to bring their best dishes. You bring your best dish because you want people to enjoy it. You want people to be pleased. You want people to go home talking about how good your dish was. Everyone brings something to the table and everyone shares. No one leaves hungry. No one leaves unsatisfied. Everyone comes with the intention of feeding everyone else. So, everyone eats. Just think, if everyone only came to eat for themselves, then no one would be fed. Everyone would leave hungry.

Most people tend to come into marriage this way। They come in hungry only looking to see what’s good for them to eat. When they think about marriage, they only think about what they want their spouse to bring to the table. They think about what would “make me happy.” “What would please me?” “I want a husband who…” “I want a wife that…” “If my husband would only…” “If my wife would just…” Obviously, if you are only thinking about having your own appetite satisfied, then ultimately, no one will be truly fed. When ever I ask young couples what they want out of marriage, they always tell me what they expect their spouses to do. I always ask them what they expect to bring to the table. What do they plan to serve their spouses? You want a happy marriage? What are you going to do to make it that way? Pot luck principal: If everybody brings something to the table, then everybody eats. You have to go into marriage expecting to feed the other person.

As in a pot luck meal, everybody can’t cook as well as others. It takes time to learn how to prepare a proper meal. It also takes a desire to learn how to cook. Sometimes, you will be the only one doing the cooking. Sometimes your spouse will. That’s life. But, it all balances out over time. The thing is, just as in a pot luck meal, marriage is about giving your best. Bring something to the table.

A rose is a beautiful flower. It looks good to the eye. It feels good to the touch. It smells good to the nostrils. But, a rose is fragile. If you don’t water it just enough, it withers. If it doesn’t get enough sunshine, it withers. If the soil is not just right, it withers. It takes a lot of time and energy to keep a beautiful rose garden. But, in the end, the result is worth it. The same can be said for a beautiful marriage. The time and energy put into it is worth the results.

Another view of this pampering of the rose is found in comparing its fragile nature to a weed। A weed doesn’t need watering or just the right amount of sunshine or even the proper soil. It keeps growing no matter what you do to it or what you don’t do for it. You can dig it up…It comes back. You can poison it…It comes back. You can step on it…It comes back. A weed doesn’t give up. It refuses to die. Sometimes I think we need more “weed” marriages and fewer rose marriages. In most marriages today, like the rose, we are ready to give up at the slightest provocation. One of the silliest reasons is the “We have grown apart” excuse. Be like a weed, fight for your relationship!!! Weeds don’t give up. Like a rose, a marriage is fragile, beautiful and precious. Like a weed, it also has to be tough and unyielding to defeat.

A rose is beautiful. If you reach out to the top of it, you touch a beautiful, fragrant flower…A joy to the touch, the eye and the smell. But, if you reach just a little lower, you grab a hand full of thorns. That’s the way it is in marriages. If you reach for the highest point in each other, you touch the beauty. But, if you reach lower, again, you grab a hand full of thorns. The only way to reach the highest point in your spouse is to give the highest point in yourself. As Jesus said, “It is better to give than to receive.” But, again He said, “Give and you shall receive.”

A Tale Of Three Men

When it comes to male/female relationships, there are basically three kinds of men. They are: The Don Juan; the Casanova; and the Romeo.

The Don Juan is a man who easily gets women; they are very attracted to him initially. He is smooth in his style, extremely charismatic. But, the thing is, he hates women and his only desire is to misuse them. He is a sociopath. He has no conscience when it comes to mistreating women. He is completely self-centered. Women can sense the danger in him, but, they usually think that he "wouldn't do that to me." He will. "He will change." He won't. "I can change him." She can't. So, women are usually left feeling cheapened and hurt after an experience with Don Juan. I am not saying that it is impossible for Don Juan to change. I am saying that no one can change him unless he wants to be changed. If he does want to change, then through the grace of God…

The Casanova loves women. That's his thing. He loves WOMEN. Not one woman. He will make you feel like the most loved woman in the world…when he is with you. Then it's on to the next bed and she becomes "the most loved woman in the world." He is fun, kind and loving. But, he is not true or faithful. As a bee transports it pollen from plant to plant, Casanova transports his seed from bed to bed. Whereas Don Juan only finds pleasure in hurting women, Casanova truly finds pleasure in pleasing women. His concern for the woman he is with at the moment is real…at the moment. He will sing, cry, dance, beg or do whatever it takes to let the woman of the moment know that he is into her…at the moment. He usually likes married women so that he doesn't have to pretend to want any long term monogamous commitment. He is only monogamous until he gets out of her bed. While sexually satisfied at the moment, women are usually left feeling unfulfilled and empty. But, like I said he does love WOMEN.

The Don Juan hates women. The Casanova loves WOMEN. The Romeo is a man who loves one woman and spends his life with her making her truly the most loved woman in the world. Yes, Romeo is a one woman man. He will give his all into the relationship. His desire is to have a woman that he can grow old with while learning to love her as deeply as possible and receiving and honoring the love she has for him. He longs to share that ever deepening love that only comes with shared time. He can see the beauty in other women. But, his desire is only for his wife. He can appreciate other women's personalities and such. But, his desire is only for his wife. Monogamy is not a question for him, it is a privilege. After a lifetime of sharing love and romance; of desiring and lusting for one another; of growing together in oneness; of overcoming obstacles, if Romeo dies first, his wife is usually left with a feeling of being blessed for having been in such a relationship.

Of course, these are broad generalizations of men. Men, like women, are much more complex. But, I shared this thought with my daughter so that she can at least be aware of the tendencies of a man that she might be interested in. Again, this is not the end-all/know-all definition of all men. These are just some of the thoughts and observations of an old gray bearded Romeo.

The Wrong Question

The Wrong Question (Particularly for a man to ask)

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."(Eph. 5:22-24).

I know some church brothers who are really cool in every aspect of their Christianity except when it comes to this passage. They seem to totally lose their minds. I have told my daughter many times to always ask a brother how he interprets this scripture before she gets serious about him. Over the years, I've lost count of how many brothers have come up to me and asked, "Brother Perkins, how can I get my wife to submit to me?" Every time I hear that question, I feel like getting a two block running start and smacking that brother into the middle of next week. But, I don't. I know that the Lord would want me to give him an answer. So I ask the brother where he got the idea that his wife was supposed to submit to him. Funny thing: Brothers who may not even know John 3:16 seem to know Eph. 5:22. So, the brother dazzles me with his scriptural adeptness. He quotes it as if he had written it himself. After which I ask him what the commandment is in the passage. He comes back with the fact that it is telling his wife to submit to him. I ask him whom the passage is directed to. He correctly points out that it is definitely directed to the wife. I ask him if he sees any place in the passage that says "Husbands, get your wife to submit to you”; or "Husbands, make your wife submit to you”; or "Husbands, trick your wife into submitting to you, force your wife to submit to you, buy your wife's submission", or anything of the sort. He thinks for a moment and comes to the conclusion, "NO" on all accounts. Then, I ask him if he's ever seen any place in the Bible from Genesis to Revelations that tells the husband to do any of that stuff. Again, "NO." I ask him, "If the scripture is not addressed to you and you can't find any place in the Bible that tells you to make or to get your wife to submit, then why are you asking that question?" Blank stare, silence. So, I give him the Bible and tell him to find the passage in Eph. 5 that really is addressed to him. "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her."(Eph. 5:25).

Let's look at a few ways that Jesus showed love for the church. First of all, He showed His followers how to be submitted to the Father by being totally submitted Himself. "For I have come down from Heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him who sent Me."(John 6:38) Are you, as a husband and leader of your home showing your wife an example of your total submission to the Father? Can she see your love for Him? Can she see your desire to obey Him? To serve Him? Start strengthening your relationship with the Lord. That is always the first thing a Christian husband should be about.

Jesus was a leader. The Word tells husbands to be leaders. Leaders...Not BOSSES!!! Jesus defined leadership as service. "But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, 'You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve; and to give His life as a ransom to many'."(Mk. 10:42-45).

How are you serving your wife? How can you serve her better? When is the last time you washed her feet? Do you make her feel special? We know from many scriptures that the disciples became better people under Jesus' leadership. He saw talents in them that they did not know they had. He helped them to discover and develop those talents. He built up their confidence. He established an atmosphere of growth. Has your wife become a better person under your leadership? If not, why not? Have you discovered hidden talents in her and encouraged her to develop them? Is she a more confident person being married to you than she was before she married you? Have you established an atmosphere of growth in your home so that she feels comfortable expressing herself knowing that you won't ridicule her if she makes a mistake? What kind of a leader are you, my brother? These are just a few things you should be considering. There are many more. Get into the Word and find them.

The subject of your wife's submission to you really should never come up in your conversation. You should be too busy talking about what the Lord has told you to do. Yes, my brother, you have many questions to ask. But, "How do I get my wife to submit?" is not one of them.

"...and the two shall become one flesh."(Gen.2:24)

"If I get married, I’m supposed to only have sex with one person for the rest of my life?" "I don't know if I could have sex with the same person for the rest of my life." "Men are predators by nature. We CAN’T be monogamous." "Having sex with the same person for the rest of my life would be sooooo boring."

Questions and statements like these are pretty common today. People use this train of thought as an excuse not to get married (or remain faithful in their commitment). They have convinced themselves that no one person could possibly fulfill their sexual needs. And they are probably right. When you are only thinking about your own needs getting met, no one can live up to your expectations, just as you can't live up to anyone else's expectations. Self-centeredness is impossible to satisfy.

The idea that you have to have multiple sexual partners to be satisfied is an illusion. First of all, let me say that most of the time, sex is good. There is no argument there. It's the "after sex" where the problem starts. As long as I have been a man, (and that's been a long time), men, while enjoying the actual act, generally feel empty and unfulfilled once it is over. That is why they often disrespect the woman they have just been with. They go from woman to woman thinking that it will get better, but, it doesn't. So, women become "catch action." They become "something to do" until something better comes along…like him getting up and making a lame excuse as to why he has to leave as soon as it is over. And I don't think I have ever met a woman who truly enjoys being simply a "booty call" in someone's address book. Or, to put it more bluntly, when I was younger, a man might refer to a woman as "peanut butter…because she spreads so easily."

Sex is not bad. It is indeed good. God gave it to us as a means of both procreation and as a means of expressing love. When sex becomes the goal, an end in itself, then it is a problem. People who make sex a goal will not be satisfied very long if at all. We get back to the self centeredness. They are looking for someone to satisfy their needs. When you are seeking sex just for the sex, you are all about yourself. You might as well masturbate. That is all you are using the other person for- your self gratification.

The thing that makes sex in marriage so great is that it is not the goal any longer. It is a means to a goal. Love, intimacy, closeness, oneness…these are goals. Sex becomes a part of an overall lifestyle of love, romance and intimacy. As your relationship becomes more intimate, you love going to sleep together and waking up beside each other. The touch of her skin as she lays close in your arms, the warmth of his breath on the back of your neck, the way you fit perfectly into each others' arms, these are things you grow to appreciate. You, quite simply, love the way your spouse smells on you. When sex becomes the natural result of the love that you share, the intimacy that you have, the oneness that you have developed, it doesn't grow old…EVER. When you learn to make love to each other 24 hours a day, in big ways, in little ways, but, always, sex becomes a part of the overall love affair. It doesn't become the whole thing. Sex is no longer a "performance." It is an expression. Instead of seeking self gratification, you begin to truly enjoy one another. You please one another rather than yourself. Even during those times when you can't have sex, you can still make love. The way you think about each other. The way you look at each other. The ways you touch one another. The way you connect with one another. Making love is a continual process that goes way beyond sex. Foreplay is a lifestyle. Romance is a state of mind.

Remember that love is a choice. Desiring someone is also a choice. You can desire someone as deeply as you want to. When you chose to desire your spouse at that deepest level, there is no room for anyone else in your bed and you don't want to be in anyone else's bed. It’s up to you to CONTROL your choices.

BUT I'M AN ARTIST....

I used to wonder why so many musicians, entertainers, artists and other creative people had such a hard time staying married. As I began to listen to and watch some of my fellow musicians, I saw a pattern in their relationships. As far as they were concerned, the relationship was basically all about them. The attitude was basically this, "What I'm doing is important. So, let's you and me get together and help ME achieve my dream." And when it came to the spouse's needs, the attitude was, "I don't have time for that mundane stuff. After all, I'm an artist." Now these thoughts may not have been verbally expressed, but, nonetheless, they were lived out.

The artist, the creative one, always seemed to think his or her dreams and needs were more important than their spouse's. If they did condescend to listen to how their spouse's day at work went, they did it grudgingly as if they were doing their spouse a favor. But, they expected their spouse to listen with bated breath, hanging on to every word and totally engaged as they talked on and on about their own careers. An interesting observation, when I first got into ministry, I saw this same attitude in ministers toward their spouses. Only there was the added declaration, "After all, I'm doing God's work!" How could the poor spouse compete with God?

So, you have the spouse of an artist (or minister) giving all the emotional, physical, psychological, financial and moral support she or he can and getting none or almost none in return. Meanwhile, the artist has this sense of entitlement in the relationship. He or she is pouring all of himself into his art form so, he deserves to be supported. She deserves to be understood. It's kind of like the artist is saying, "Let's both get together and fall in love WITH ME!" But, the spouse, on the other hand... After a while, the spouse gets tired of all of this self-centeredness and leaves. Another marriage bites the dust and the artist can't even see what he did wrong. "She (He) just didn't understand me." It's always the spouse's fault.

Now the CATCH is, in order to be good or great at anything (especially artistically speaking), you HAVE TO BE self centered. There is no other way to accomplish a high level of professionalism in your craft. It doesn't matter if you are an actor, singer, dancer, musician, painter or writer, you have to have a degree of self-centeredness to excel in your craft. Some art forms, such as painting and writing are very solitary crafts. Your best work is normally done while alone. Practicing to improve your dance or playing skills is normally done alone. Thinking out the way you want to express a certain move or musical figure is done alone. Artists spend a lot of time alone. Other artists understand that. My brother-in-law is a sculptor. I write poetry and music. We understand each other and our need to isolate ourselves in our respective creative caves. But, do we have the right to expect our wives, who are not artists, to automatically understand? How can they if we don't let them into us?

The problem is not in being self centered. The problem is not knowing when to turn it off. Most entertainers that I came up with were self centered all of the time. They never learned to turn it off. After seeing so many marriages break up (and most of them had some really cool spouses), I learned. I could be self centered when I was into my creative thing getting it together. But, when I came out, it was time to focus on my wife and family. My wife is a teacher. At the time, she was teaching 2nd grade. Not that I have anything against 2nd grade, but, ordinarily, I wouldn't care to be involved in a conversation about the 2nd grade. But, I was interested in my wife and she was interested in the 2nd grade, so I became interested in the 2nd grade. If I wanted her to share in and understand my world, I had to do the same for her. When I was home off the road, I tried to take full advantage of our time together. We tried to make the most of it because I never knew how long I would be home. A lesson learned from that is, after all these years, we still try to make the most of our time together.

I wanted to excel at my marriage and I wanted to excel in my music. That meant, in order for me to do both, I had to give up something. That something was sleep. When I was home, the early part of the evening was spent with my son. He was in bed by 7:30. I would spend time with my wife until she fell asleep (usually around 11or 12). And then I would do my creative thing. Being a night person, working on my craft until 3 or 4 in the morning was ideal. During part of that time, I was taking a class and had to be at school at 7a.m. So, I averaged about 3 hours of sleep a night. It worked, we are still together.

The bottom line is I had to learn to think like a husband and she had to learn to think like a wife. She did not marry a musician, she married a husband and she deserved to have one. I was a musician on stage. I was a husband off stage. Entertainment marriages can work. Mine has. Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis worked out great together. If you want something badly enough, you will do what it takes to make it work. Want your marriage and you will do the right thing.

LIFE AFTER THE BREAK-UP

My wife and I have been married for almost 34 years. When I was young, I thought I knew what love was. Maybe I did. But, what I didn't know is what love can become. That knowledge comes only with time. The love we have now is far beyond anything I ever dreamed possible. We are together for the duration.

Having said that, there was a time... Many years ago when my beard was black and my waist was a few inches smaller, I was married before. My first wife and I got married in Texas right after I got out of the Air Force. She was a singer and I was a musician, so it seemed like a match. It was. It was a mental wrestling match! Since entertainment was our life, we naturally came to California where I grew up so that we could hopefully exploit our talents. There is an old blues song that says, Bright lights, Big city...Gone to my Baby's head... That's what happened. She came out here from Texas and got "California Slick", as we used to say back then. It wasn't that she didn't love me. It's that she didn't love only me...A whole lot of times.

During that two and a half year period of my life, I experienced feelings I never thought I would: Pain, hurt, anger jealousy, frustration— none of which make for a happy marriage. The thing is I went through those emotions during the marriage. When I decided that enough was finally enough, I was not angry, hurt, or jealous. There was no pain, no frustration, no self pity. There was only acceptance. I did not want the kind of lifestyle that she wanted. I no longer wanted her to stop doing what she was doing. It made her happy. She just could no longer do it with me. That reality made me happy. I accepted that and let her have her life, and I went on to make my life. I have to admit, when the divorce was final, I had what I called my "Emancipation Party" that lasted until 6:00 a.m. the next morning!

I learned some things. You can't force someone to love you or to do the right thing by threats, warnings and jealousy. Telling someone what they "better not do" doesn't stop them from doing it. Either they love you or they don't. It's their choice. They will do the right thing (or not do it) based on that choice. If they don't, then you have to make a decision on whether the relationship is worth trying to salvage. I know of some great marriages that have overcome adultery, spousal abuse, drugs, and neglect. Anything can be overcome with God's help. The thing is, God was not a part of my first marriage. I wasn't seeking Him at all and neither was she.

Once my marriage was over, there was no carry forward of suspicion. What I mean by that is I didn't place what my first wife did on other women. I know both men and women who don't trust other women and other men because of what happened in previous relationships. You miss out on the possibility of a great love if you hold your present partner responsible for what your past partner did. "All women..." and "Men are all..." are, in most cases, silly phrases. The thing is, sometimes people will become creatures of habit. The reason why it seems that "all men are..." and "women are all..." is because they go to the same places to meet the new men and women in their lives. A lady who used to work for me was certain that all men were dogs. When I asked her where she spent her time, it was in singles bars. I reminded her that men mostly go to singles bars to hunt like hounds. So, if you are going to a dog pound, why are you surprised to find dogs? If you want to change the results, change the action.

The Bible says that God hates divorce. That's true. But, remember, divorce is not the unforgivable sin. God forgives and restores. No matter how hard you try, some relationships just won't work out. It's not that they can't, it's that they don't because one or both parties refuses to make it work. If this sounds like your marriage, it will hurt. Divorce is painful. But, life doesn't have to stop there. Don't define yourself as somebody's "Ex" anything. You are a person starting a new adventure in life. Don't carry around the burden of guilt and failure. It didn't work out. Allow God to rebuild you. God always brings us to conviction not guilt. Conviction draws us closer to Him. Guilt drives us away in shame. Forgive your spouse. Don't allow bitterness and unforgiveness to build up inside. It will stop you from having any kind of productive life. Don't go around bad mouthing your spouse to your friends and relatives and making yourself to be the eternal victim. Victims are always at someone else's mercy. Victim's are always under someone else's control. Yes, you were hurt. But, do you really want to continue to suffer by continually feeding the hurt? Don't live a life-long pity party. Spend some time dealing with your pain, your anger, your disappointment, and then move on. One of the hardest parts of the divorce for me was in trying to comfort the people in my life who cared about me. They were all feeling bad for me because they thought I was sitting at home feeling bad. I wasn't. I just had some things to figure out and I knew that the answer was not in the streets. So, I was constantly draining myself trying to cheer them up!

Divorce is not a pleasant subject. It is not one that can be dealt with in a light manner or in an online article. I am not trying to give an all-in-all answer or a quick fix resolution. I'm just sharing my story, my experience with you. Divorce is complicated. There are settlements; sometimes, child support; complicated relationships with each other's relatives and mutual friends. No, divorce is not easy at all. I am glad that the Lord blessed me with a sense of humor so that I was able to laugh off a lot of things that easily could have brought tears. Instead of focusing on the mess I was in, I was able to see the opportunity for taking that mess and molding it into a new life.

I may address more on this subject at a later date. I just wanted to encourage someone who is going through or has gone through this. With marriage, it is always better to have a triumph through overcoming rather than a tragedy of divorce. But, sometimes in life we lose a battle. It doesn't mean that we have lost the war. There are always casualties in victories. Your life doesn't end with divorce. Mine didn't.

WHAT IF....?

One of my daughter's friends recently made the comment that she was tentative about the commitment of marriage because...What IF!!! What if I get bored in the relationship? Answer: You will. What if there is some one else out there who could make me happy? Answer: There is. What if I married the wrong person? Answer: You did.

Probably not the answers you would expect in the makings of a happy marriage but, nonetheless, those are the answers.

You will get bored in a marriage. Why? Because at that point in time, you are not offering anything to the relationship. You are just trying to see what the relationship can do for you. When that happens, you get totally self-centered and you will get bored. When you want to find the true source of your boredom, go look in the mirror. The most boring person in the room is the one who is bored because that person is not adding anything to the situation and indeed is a drain on it. So, will you get bored in a relationship? Probably. Do you have to get bored in a relationship? No! It just doesn't happen. The choice is yours. You can add to it or you can be a drain on it. You never get bored with anything or anyone you are intellectually, emotionally and physically involved with.

Is there someone else out there who can make you happy? There always is. I know I'm not the only man who could have made a good husband for my wife. She's not the only woman who could have made a good wife for me. The point is, now that we have chosen each other, no one else belongs in the equation. 1+1=1. One her + one me = ONE US. It doesn't matter who else is out there. It only matters that we are with each other. Stay focused on who you are with. It doesn't matter who is interested in you. It only matters who you are interested in. We are not animals that react only to instinct and therefore have no control over our sexual and emotional appetites. The old, "I'm a man and that's the way men are" is just that: OLD. God gave us the ability to think and the ability to make a choice. Why should we deny what He has given us and reduce ourselves to mere animal instinct? The ability to make a choice is a precious freedom that I don't take lightly. I am free to love my wife. I am free to stay faithful to her. I am free to desire her and only her.

What if you marry the wrong person? Like I said, you did. You almost never marry the "right" person for you. You are almost never the "right" person for your spouse. You discover things about each other as you live together. Some things you like and some things you dislike. You discover that you are not "soulmates" as they like to say today. My wife and I were and are very different people. She was in college getting her degree in education to be a teacher and I was a funk musician. We had nothing in common except that we wanted to be together. We learned how to love each other. Then we learned how to love God. Then we learned how to love each other even more. Through our ups and downs, I learned how to be a husband and she learned how to be a wife. We learned how to accept each other, which is sometimes more important than understanding each other. We got the words divorce and separate out of our vocabulary at the beginning of our relationship, BEFORE the ups and downs came into the picture. We got closer and closer to God and deeper and deeper into His Word. We created an "US". The "US" is more important than the individual me. That is marriage for us.

What if...You decide to love each other until "Death do us part"!!!

MARRIAGE Part 2

There is a slogan that became popular in the '70's that had a very far reaching influence on how we think in this country. When I see the results, it doesn't seem to have been a very good influence. It was a simple and seemingly harmless slogan that totally caught the collective imagination of the nation and, in fact, the world. It is simply this: "If it feels good, DO IT!" That's all it said. If it feels good, do it. What could possibly be wrong with that, you might ask. Well, as people bought into that mindset ( and they did big time), the opposite also became true: "If it doesn't feel good, DON'T DO IT!" Thinking like that makes one very self centered over time. Everything becomes about self: Self pleasure; self-fulfillment; self satisfaction; self this, self that. Self everything except...Self Denial. So, we began to judge the value of things based on how we felt. Our feelings became the determining factor rather than truth. Truth became "relative". Again, based on how we felt at the time.

How did this mindset effect marriage? Well, people started to base the quality of their marriages and their love for one another on how they felt. As long as it felt good, the love was there. When it no longer felt good, they figured the love was gone so they split. Remember, this is a post '70's mentality based on the philosophy: "If it feels good, do it." When it stopped feeling good to them, they felt that they had no reason to be there. The famous (or infamous) departing line became all the rage: "We've just grown apart." "It doesn't feel good anymore." As a result of this type thinking, among other factors, the divorce rate shot up to 50%.

It is a false premise that marriage and love will always "feel good". The reality is that marriage doesn't always feel good. No matter how much in love you are, marriage doesn't always feel good. The thing is, just because it doesn't feel good at the moment or even for a stretch of time doesn't mean that the love is dead. Love is not based on how you feel, it is based on living up to a commitment that you made to love each other. In a wedding ceremony, there are vows taken. It is in style for couples to write their own vows. When I perform a wedding, I don't mind couples writing their own vows, but, I always encourage them to also use the traditional vows. While self writen vows are beautifully composed, there is usually no real substance to them. It is hard to beat "...in riches or poverty; in sickness or in health; in good times and in bad; for better or for worse; until death do us part..," That takes in everything and if you notice, the phrase, "If it feels good" is not included. Nor is the phrase, "If I feel like it." Real love has nothing to do with how you feel. You always do the acts of love whether you feel like it or not. Then you will have a strong marriage. Let me use an illustration. If you are a jogger, you have made a commitment to get up and jog everyday or whatever your schedule is. Now, you don't feel like doing it every day. But, because you have made a commitment to do it, you get up and go even when you don't feel like it. After a while, you warm up, you loosen up, you get into your stride and before you know it, you are enjoying it. What happened? You did the action and the feelings followed. That's the way it is in a marriage relationship. If you do the acts of love even when you don't feel like it, God will bless you with the feelings of love. You do the action and the feelings will follow 100% of the time.

Using the running analogy again, think of a marathon runner. Sometimes during the course of a race, distance runners will reach a point that they call "hitting the wall." When you hit the wall, it feels like you can't go another step. All of your energy is gone and you come to almost a complete mental and physical shut down. Most will stop at this point. But, there are some who struggle on. And in doing so a phenomenon happens. As they keep running, pretty soon they loosen up again. They get their muscle tone back. Energy returns and they get what's called a "second wind." Then they are able to finish the race in a strong fashion. In marriage, you are going to "hit the wall." But, if you stay the course, you will get your second wind and finish strong.

God chose to love us even when we were unlovable. Your mates will not always be lovable, but, you can chose to love them through that just as they can chose to love you through your unlovable moments. Love is a choice, not a reaction. When you understand that, you realize that you can make the choice to love as deeply as you want to. You choose to love your mates. That means they didn't do anything to earn it and because they didn't do anything to earn it, they can't do anything to lose it. Grown up love is a choice. Because it is a choice, you can love as deeply as you want for as long as you want. Which also means that you don't just "grow apart." You choose to stop loving.

Don't let your feelings fool you. I don't always feel like treating my wife in a loving way. But, I always do and my feelings always catch up. Your feelings will always adjust to your actions. Instead of, "If it feels good, do it" make it, "If I do it, it WILL feel good." So, stay the course and don't miss out on all of the love that's on the other side of the wall.

MARRIAGE

My wife, Barbara, and I have been married for 33 years. We are more in love now than ever. In marriage, we discovered real romance. There is nothing particularly romantic about being a player. All you have to do is put on a show for couple of hours or days and then move on before the person your are with really gets to know you. But, to spend a life time with one woman making her feel like the most loved woman in the world, that's romance. To know the joy of overcoming, surviving and indeed thriving...That is real romance.

As a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I study the Bible regularly. It fascinated me to find that the Bible says more about romance in marriage than any other topic on marriage. There are a few scriptures on being a good parent; some on being a good provider and several other aspects of marriage. But, there is a whole book in the Bible on marital romance plus a volume of other scriptures. Finding this out surprised me because, since the '70's, all I heard about romance is that it doesn't last so, you have to be good friends. Friendship lasts, but romance doesn't. That was the word coming from psychologists, sociologists, marriage counselors, books, articles and even pastors. Romance doesn't last they said. So, you have to be friends with your mate. That sounded reasonable to me...Until I read the Bible. God's Word stresses romance big time. So, I took a second look at this friendship thing. I noticed that whenever I heard a news report about a couple getting a divorce, something was said over and over again: "We are getting a divorce. But, we are STILL FRIENDS." They are getting a divorce, but they are still friends. What happened? They left their friend at home and ran off with their lover.

In Biblical romance, friendship is automatically included. But, romance is not automatically included in friendship. To reduce your wife to simply being your best buddy is to ultimately reduce your marriage to mediocrity. No matter how buddy buddy the two of you become, your mate should always inspire a hunger in you. It's a choice that you make. You can and should choose to desire your wife, your husband. I spend time every day thinking about loving my wife. I spend time every day thinking about making love to my wife. So, when I get home from work, I am always excited to see my wife because she remains the object of my desire. She is my one and only fantasy. No one else belongs in that space in me. She is the only one to occupy myspace in that way.

We have reaped the benefits of staying the course and doing it God's way. He has blessed us with a love the neither of us ever imagined possible. Today, young couples give up so easily. Couples married over 25 years are becoming an endangered species. All happy couples that have been married over 25 years have war stories to tell. The thing is, we all stayed and won the war. You can to. Particularly if you do it God's way. My wife and I love God more than we love each other and He honors that love for Him by drawing us closer to each other. As we get closer to Him, we get closer to each other. I fall in love with God every day... I fall in love with my wife every day. That is real romance.

Welcome to "Conversations About Marriage"

Hello and welcome to Conversations About Marriage. These blogs are based on conversations that I have had with my daughter, Maisha. God has blessed me with a truly beautiful daughter both inside and out and I wanted to share some life lessons with her. Any father who loves his daughter would do this. She encouraged me to write this blog so that others could benefit from our conversations. So, I share my thoughts with you in hope that someone might find something of value. All that I share is based on my study of the Bible. I am not a psychologist. I am simply a man who truly loves the Lord, Jesus Christ. As I study God's Word, I learn how to love and be loved. I share this with my daughter and now I'm sharing it with you.
My wife and I have been married for 33 years. Our love is stronger than ever. In this day of high profile divorces and marriages drowning in mediocrity, I want you to know that there is still such a thing as a good marriage. In fact, there is still such a thing as a great marriage. My wife and I are living proof that marriage, the great love affair, can and indeed will grow stronger as time goes on.
In reading these blogs, please remember that "LOVE IS" and without it, everything else is irrelevant.