My wife and I have been married for almost 34 years. When I was young, I thought I knew what love was. Maybe I did. But, what I didn't know is what love can become. That knowledge comes only with time. The love we have now is far beyond anything I ever dreamed possible. We are together for the duration.
Having said that, there was a time... Many years ago when my beard was black and my waist was a few inches smaller, I was married before. My first wife and I got married in
During that two and a half year period of my life, I experienced feelings I never thought I would: Pain, hurt, anger jealousy, frustration— none of which make for a happy marriage. The thing is I went through those emotions during the marriage. When I decided that enough was finally enough, I was not angry, hurt, or jealous. There was no pain, no frustration, no self pity. There was only acceptance. I did not want the kind of lifestyle that she wanted. I no longer wanted her to stop doing what she was doing. It made her happy. She just could no longer do it with me. That reality made me happy. I accepted that and let her have her life, and I went on to make my life. I have to admit, when the divorce was final, I had what I called my "Emancipation Party" that lasted until
I learned some things. You can't force someone to love you or to do the right thing by threats, warnings and jealousy. Telling someone what they "better not do" doesn't stop them from doing it. Either they love you or they don't. It's their choice. They will do the right thing (or not do it) based on that choice. If they don't, then you have to make a decision on whether the relationship is worth trying to salvage. I know of some great marriages that have overcome adultery, spousal abuse, drugs, and neglect. Anything can be overcome with God's help. The thing is, God was not a part of my first marriage. I wasn't seeking Him at all and neither was she.
Once my marriage was over, there was no carry forward of suspicion. What I mean by that is I didn't place what my first wife did on other women. I know both men and women who don't trust other women and other men because of what happened in previous relationships. You miss out on the possibility of a great love if you hold your present partner responsible for what your past partner did. "All women..." and "Men are all..." are, in most cases, silly phrases. The thing is, sometimes people will become creatures of habit. The reason why it seems that "all men are..." and "women are all..." is because they go to the same places to meet the new men and women in their lives. A lady who used to work for me was certain that all men were dogs. When I asked her where she spent her time, it was in singles bars. I reminded her that men mostly go to singles bars to hunt like hounds. So, if you are going to a dog pound, why are you surprised to find dogs? If you want to change the results, change the action.
The Bible says that God hates divorce. That's true. But, remember, divorce is not the unforgivable sin. God forgives and restores. No matter how hard you try, some relationships just won't work out. It's not that they can't, it's that they don't because one or both parties refuses to make it work. If this sounds like your marriage, it will hurt. Divorce is painful. But, life doesn't have to stop there. Don't define yourself as somebody's "Ex" anything. You are a person starting a new adventure in life. Don't carry around the burden of guilt and failure. It didn't work out. Allow God to rebuild you. God always brings us to conviction not guilt. Conviction draws us closer to Him. Guilt drives us away in shame. Forgive your spouse. Don't allow bitterness and unforgiveness to build up inside. It will stop you from having any kind of productive life. Don't go around bad mouthing your spouse to your friends and relatives and making yourself to be the eternal victim. Victims are always at someone else's mercy. Victim's are always under someone else's control. Yes, you were hurt. But, do you really want to continue to suffer by continually feeding the hurt? Don't live a life-long pity party. Spend some time dealing with your pain, your anger, your disappointment, and then move on. One of the hardest parts of the divorce for me was in trying to comfort the people in my life who cared about me. They were all feeling bad for me because they thought I was sitting at home feeling bad. I wasn't. I just had some things to figure out and I knew that the answer was not in the streets. So, I was constantly draining myself trying to cheer them up!
Divorce is not a pleasant subject. It is not one that can be dealt with in a light manner or in an online article. I am not trying to give an all-in-all answer or a quick fix resolution. I'm just sharing my story, my experience with you. Divorce is complicated. There are settlements; sometimes, child support; complicated relationships with each other's relatives and mutual friends. No, divorce is not easy at all. I am glad that the Lord blessed me with a sense of humor so that I was able to laugh off a lot of things that easily could have brought tears. Instead of focusing on the mess I was in, I was able to see the opportunity for taking that mess and molding it into a new life.
I may address more on this subject at a later date. I just wanted to encourage someone who is going through or has gone through this. With marriage, it is always better to have a triumph through overcoming rather than a tragedy of divorce. But, sometimes in life we lose a battle. It doesn't mean that we have lost the war. There are always casualties in victories. Your life doesn't end with divorce. Mine didn't.
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