There is a slogan that became popular in the '70's that had a very far reaching influence on how we think in this country. When I see the results, it doesn't seem to have been a very good influence. It was a simple and seemingly harmless slogan that totally caught the collective imagination of the nation and, in fact, the world. It is simply this: "If it feels good, DO IT!" That's all it said. If it feels good, do it. What could possibly be wrong with that, you might ask. Well, as people bought into that mindset ( and they did big time), the opposite also became true: "If it doesn't feel good, DON'T DO IT!" Thinking like that makes one very self centered over time. Everything becomes about self: Self pleasure; self-fulfillment; self satisfaction; self this, self that. Self everything except...Self Denial. So, we began to judge the value of things based on how we felt. Our feelings became the determining factor rather than truth. Truth became "relative". Again, based on how we felt at the time.
How did this mindset effect marriage? Well, people started to base the quality of their marriages and their love for one another on how they felt. As long as it felt good, the love was there. When it no longer felt good, they figured the love was gone so they split. Remember, this is a post '70's mentality based on the philosophy: "If it feels good, do it." When it stopped feeling good to them, they felt that they had no reason to be there. The famous (or infamous) departing line became all the rage: "We've just grown apart." "It doesn't feel good anymore." As a result of this type thinking, among other factors, the divorce rate shot up to 50%.
It is a false premise that marriage and love will always "feel good". The reality is that marriage doesn't always feel good. No matter how much in love you are, marriage doesn't always feel good. The thing is, just because it doesn't feel good at the moment or even for a stretch of time doesn't mean that the love is dead. Love is not based on how you feel, it is based on living up to a commitment that you made to love each other. In a wedding ceremony, there are vows taken. It is in style for couples to write their own vows. When I perform a wedding, I don't mind couples writing their own vows, but, I always encourage them to also use the traditional vows. While self writen vows are beautifully composed, there is usually no real substance to them. It is hard to beat "...in riches or poverty; in sickness or in health; in good times and in bad; for better or for worse; until death do us part..," That takes in everything and if you notice, the phrase, "If it feels good" is not included. Nor is the phrase, "If I feel like it." Real love has nothing to do with how you feel. You always do the acts of love whether you feel like it or not. Then you will have a strong marriage. Let me use an illustration. If you are a jogger, you have made a commitment to get up and jog everyday or whatever your schedule is. Now, you don't feel like doing it every day. But, because you have made a commitment to do it, you get up and go even when you don't feel like it. After a while, you warm up, you loosen up, you get into your stride and before you know it, you are enjoying it. What happened? You did the action and the feelings followed. That's the way it is in a marriage relationship. If you do the acts of love even when you don't feel like it, God will bless you with the feelings of love. You do the action and the feelings will follow 100% of the time.
Using the running analogy again, think of a marathon runner. Sometimes during the course of a race, distance runners will reach a point that they call "hitting the wall." When you hit the wall, it feels like you can't go another step. All of your energy is gone and you come to almost a complete mental and physical shut down. Most will stop at this point. But, there are some who struggle on. And in doing so a phenomenon happens. As they keep running, pretty soon they loosen up again. They get their muscle tone back. Energy returns and they get what's called a "second wind." Then they are able to finish the race in a strong fashion. In marriage, you are going to "hit the wall." But, if you stay the course, you will get your second wind and finish strong.
God chose to love us even when we were unlovable. Your mates will not always be lovable, but, you can chose to love them through that just as they can chose to love you through your unlovable moments. Love is a choice, not a reaction. When you understand that, you realize that you can make the choice to love as deeply as you want to. You choose to love your mates. That means they didn't do anything to earn it and because they didn't do anything to earn it, they can't do anything to lose it. Grown up love is a choice. Because it is a choice, you can love as deeply as you want for as long as you want. Which also means that you don't just "grow apart." You choose to stop loving.
Don't let your feelings fool you. I don't always feel like treating my wife in a loving way. But, I always do and my feelings always catch up. Your feelings will always adjust to your actions. Instead of, "If it feels good, do it" make it, "If I do it, it WILL feel good." So, stay the course and don't miss out on all of the love that's on the other side of the wall.
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