There is a movie out now called “Why Did I Get Married?” My wife and I saw it and we enjoyed it. In fact, everyone I know who saw it has enjoyed it. However, as I thought about the theme of the movie, I realized that on a personal level, the question, “why did I get married?” has no meaning for me. It may have had meaning thirty years ago, but now…? I have long since known why I got married. Now it’s about why I stay married. The answer is not complicated. It is simply that I love my wife. As a husband, I had to learn to live up to that love.
As a Christian, I am told to love my wife as Christ loves the church. Jesus said that He would never leave us or forsake us. If I am to love like Him, then I will never leave nor forsake my wife. I figured that if I am going to be here anyway, I may as well learn to love her as deeply as possible. After all of these years, I still haven’t hit rock bottom. My love for my wife is still growing deeper and deeper. God doesn’t set limits on His love for me, so, I don’t set limits on my love for her.
There are many great old love songs and great lines from those songs that help to express what I am trying to convey in this article. For instance, “In this world, where many people play at love, but, not too many stay in love, I’m Glad There Is You.” Or, “Here I Am and here I’ll stay…loving you.” “I love all the many charms about you. Above all, I want my arms around you…My sweet embraceable you.” “The mere idea of you, the longing here for you…You’ll never know how slow the moments go ‘till I’m near to you…” How about, “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face…heard your laughter…held you close…kissed your lips.” “Our Love Is Here To Stay” because you are my “Endless Love.” When I see the “Look of Love” in my wife’s eyes, I am glad that look is for me. “A Song For You” says, “I love you in a place where there is no space or time.” So, again, my love for you has no limits. “That’s The Time I Feel Like Making Love To You” is saying that no matter the time or the circumstances, you are always the object of my desire. That’s all because… “This Guy’s In Love With You.”
Why I stay married is not the question. The question is “Why would I not?”
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
"34"
There are over 7,000,000 references to the number “34” on the internet. There are also over 3,000,000 references to “Sept. 5th” on the web. That’s a lot of information on those two items: 34 and Sept. 5th. However, it is the combination of the two of that interests me. Barbara and I celebrate our 34th anniversary today,
“Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases." (Song Of Solomon 2:7).
Over thirty years ago, love was awakened in us. We have continued to stir it up and it continues to please. We were new and love was new and fresh. That was the beginning. It was good. Because we were so different, there were those who thought we would not last. Who knows? Maybe in another 30 years or so, they may be right. But, right now, as the old song says, Our Love Is Here To Stay!!! Yes, love was new and fresh back then. It was unproven and untested. The years have passed and with time, our love has matured and become well seasoned. It has stood and withstood the test of time. New and fresh is good. Mature and seasoned is better…When it comes to love.
“I am my Beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”(S.O.S. 6:3). “The Daughters saw her and called her blessed.”(S.O.S. 6:9).
God gave us to each other. I am hers and she is mine. It is a simple understanding of that fact that causes love to continue to grow. Again, I think of the line in the old song, You’re mine and we belong together. I have always wanted my wife to feel special because of the love that I have for her. I want her to know and be confident in the fact that I am hers and hers alone. I want her to feel that ours is a love worth having. I want others to look at us and call her blessed because of our love. I want other couples to be inspired to love each other more because of the deep love that they see in us. The first time I saw her, I looked at her through eyes of infatuation. It was the college girl I was fascinated with. Now, I look at the woman through eyes of an ever deepening love. When others see me looking at her, I want them to see the look of love for her in my eyes and call her blessed.
“Set me as a seal upon your heart…”(S.O.S. 8:6).
My love covers her heart and her love covers mine. It is a seal that has protected our relationship all of these years. My heart is a place where only she belongs. She’s in me, I am in her and we are sealed by love in each others hearts. With the dawn of each new day comes a new opportunity for love to grow. So, our love is both new and old. In its newness, it is continually seeking, exploring, discovering, growing, building. New love is exciting. Old love has grown deep and is established on a solid foundation. It is comfortable, reliable, forgiving, understanding. Old love is the “just the two of us” kind of love. Old love gives life and assurance to new love. Old love is exciting.
“I am my Beloved’s and my desire is toward her.”(A paraphrase of S.O.S. 7:10). “…rejoice with the wife of your youth. …Let her breasts satisfy you at all times and be ravished always with her love.”(Prov. 5:18-19).
After all of these years, she still fascinates me. She still infatuates me. She still inspires a hunger in me that only she can satisfy. She is the wife of my youth. Now, she is the love of my life. I rejoice in the very thought of her. After all these years, hers are still the only lips that I want to kiss. Hers is the only body that fits in my embrace. Is she my friend? Yes she is. But, I have other friends. She, however, is my one and only Lover. My desire is truly toward my Beloved. I do rejoice in her, because of her and with her. Her breasts and all that goes with them do satisfy me at all times and I am and forever will be ravished with her love. I am my Beloved’s and my desire is toward her.
There are so many things that I could say about our marriage. But, it’s really all very simple. Everything that I could say comes down to this:
Barbara, after 34 years of marriage, after all these years, I do love you…STILL.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Second Chances
There is an old saying that God is a God of the “second chance.” You see that in the Bible with people such as Abraham. Sometimes you see a 3rd, 4th and 5th chance, as with David. And then you can lose count of the chances as with Peter. Most of the heroes of the Bible needed several chances before they got it right.
We can see the same thing in marriages. Sometimes several chances are needed to get it right. I personally know of couples where adultery, severe arguments, fights and other mayhem went on during the marriage. But second, third, fourth and fifth chances were given. YET, they were able to get it right and went on to have long fruitful, happy relationships. In order for the second chance to work in a marriage, there has to be two things: REPENTANCE and FORGIVENESS. It cannot work unless both are present. And both have to be motivated by love. I am not saying that either one is necessarily easy in some cases. I am saying that BOTH are necessary in all cases.
Sometimes-- most times, people confuse repentance with being sorry. They are not the same. Just being sorry is not enough. Just being sorry doesn’t bring about change. You can be sorry that you got caught but not sorry for the pain you caused. Being sorry is not enough. Repentance has an element of sorrow in it obviously. But it doesn’t stop there. To repent means to make a 180 degree turn from what you are doing. It means to change behavior. Depending on what you did, that may mean changing your attitude; changing your conversation; changing your actions; changing your habits. It may mean getting rid of old (or new) acquaintances. Whatever you are doing to hurt the marriage has to stop and you have to do something in its place to build up the marriage. It is not good enough to just stop doing something harmful. You have to start doing something helpful. Be proactive in making the relationship better. True repentance means changing your ways. You can be sorry. You can “admit you were wrong.” You can do all of that and more. But, to paraphrase an old song, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that change.”
I have always believed that in order for love to work you have to be willing to take some risks. True forgiveness is one of those risks. When you forgive, there is no real guarantee that your spouse will truly repent. But what is guaranteed is that the relationship can never work unless true forgiveness is present. If you are constantly throwing the past up in your spouse’s face, how can he or she move on in true repentance? If you are constantly placing guilt trips on your spouse, what would be the motivation? How can love grow? How can the relationship be restored? You have to forgive, and at some point, move on. Let it go! Your love won’t grow until you let go of the pain, the disappointment, the failure. At some point you have to stop the “wait and see” process-- Stop making your spouse “prove” himself or herself and start contributing to making the relationship better. If you are going to stay in the marriage, it only makes sense to do what you can to make it work. Just as the repentant has to be proactive in the rebuilding process, so does the forgiver.
Neither repentance or forgiveness is an easy process. But, the thing is, both forgiveness and repentance are processes for us to live our best lives. As we are going through the process, we sometimes fall short. Sometimes we mess up. We fall down BUTwe get back up again. We help each other to get up again. That is why the forgiver gives the repentant chance after chance to get it right. That is why the repentant gives the forgiver chance after chance to get it right. The Bible says that love never fails. This statement has only been made about LOVE. It doesn’t say “faith never fails,” or “miracles never fail,” or anything else. It says “LOVE NEVER FAILS.” Love never fails because LOVE NEVER QUITS!!!
We can see the same thing in marriages. Sometimes several chances are needed to get it right. I personally know of couples where adultery, severe arguments, fights and other mayhem went on during the marriage. But second, third, fourth and fifth chances were given. YET, they were able to get it right and went on to have long fruitful, happy relationships. In order for the second chance to work in a marriage, there has to be two things: REPENTANCE and FORGIVENESS. It cannot work unless both are present. And both have to be motivated by love. I am not saying that either one is necessarily easy in some cases. I am saying that BOTH are necessary in all cases.
Sometimes-- most times, people confuse repentance with being sorry. They are not the same. Just being sorry is not enough. Just being sorry doesn’t bring about change. You can be sorry that you got caught but not sorry for the pain you caused. Being sorry is not enough. Repentance has an element of sorrow in it obviously. But it doesn’t stop there. To repent means to make a 180 degree turn from what you are doing. It means to change behavior. Depending on what you did, that may mean changing your attitude; changing your conversation; changing your actions; changing your habits. It may mean getting rid of old (or new) acquaintances. Whatever you are doing to hurt the marriage has to stop and you have to do something in its place to build up the marriage. It is not good enough to just stop doing something harmful. You have to start doing something helpful. Be proactive in making the relationship better. True repentance means changing your ways. You can be sorry. You can “admit you were wrong.” You can do all of that and more. But, to paraphrase an old song, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that change.”
I have always believed that in order for love to work you have to be willing to take some risks. True forgiveness is one of those risks. When you forgive, there is no real guarantee that your spouse will truly repent. But what is guaranteed is that the relationship can never work unless true forgiveness is present. If you are constantly throwing the past up in your spouse’s face, how can he or she move on in true repentance? If you are constantly placing guilt trips on your spouse, what would be the motivation? How can love grow? How can the relationship be restored? You have to forgive, and at some point, move on. Let it go! Your love won’t grow until you let go of the pain, the disappointment, the failure. At some point you have to stop the “wait and see” process-- Stop making your spouse “prove” himself or herself and start contributing to making the relationship better. If you are going to stay in the marriage, it only makes sense to do what you can to make it work. Just as the repentant has to be proactive in the rebuilding process, so does the forgiver.
Neither repentance or forgiveness is an easy process. But, the thing is, both forgiveness and repentance are processes for us to live our best lives. As we are going through the process, we sometimes fall short. Sometimes we mess up. We fall down BUTwe get back up again. We help each other to get up again. That is why the forgiver gives the repentant chance after chance to get it right. That is why the repentant gives the forgiver chance after chance to get it right. The Bible says that love never fails. This statement has only been made about LOVE. It doesn’t say “faith never fails,” or “miracles never fail,” or anything else. It says “LOVE NEVER FAILS.” Love never fails because LOVE NEVER QUITS!!!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
It's Just A Piece Of Paper
“We don’t need a marriage license to show our love. It’s just a piece of paper!” I have lost count of how many times I have heard this over the years. “It’s just a piece of paper.” Those who say that often declare that they are doing their own thing. They are being different… Not adhering to the norm and so on. They don’t seem to realize that they've just stopped being like one group to act like another group. They are like the people who wear spiked hair to be different. They are not different. They are just like everyone else who wears spiked hair. With some of everything being done by so many different people, it is very difficult to be different. And living together without being married is hardly “different” these days.
“It’s just a piece of paper” they say. The deed to your house is “just a piece of paper.” Your apartment lease agreement, your car registration, your check on payday, your driver’s license and so many more things qualify under the title of “just a piece of paper.” But you make sure that you have these in place, and you are very protective of them. High school diplomas, certificates of completion, college degrees are all “pieces of paper.” But, they are highly valued. Shouldn’t you value the most important relationship in your life at least as much as you do your house, car, or level of education?
Our marriage certificate gives my wife rights to all of my “stuff.” If I should die before she does, she is protected. Unmarried couples don’t have this protection unless they draw up a lot of legal documents. And if they are going to do all of that, they may as well get married. It is a lot simpler. When you sign any contract, there are conditions that you have to live up to in order for the contract to remain valid. The contract in essence gives you a goal to strive for. A marriage contract is no different. There are terms. You agree to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and bad times; in sickness and in health; whether rich or poor; until death do you part. That is the goal that you are shooting for. You want to live up to the contract. We lived together for three years before we got married. We thought we loved each other and we did. But, once we took the marriage vows and got the “piece of paper,” we found that the old love was but a mere shadow of the love that developed once we were married. There is no comparison.
My marriage license is a symbol of the love and life that I will share with my wife until the day that I die. It is just a piece of paper that declares to the world that I am my beloved’s and she is mine. It’s just a piece of paper that is a symbol of a relationship that means so much more to me than the wood and plaster of a house or the tin, plastic and rubber of a car. It’s just a piece of paper that reminds us of why we are together when we want to go… So we stay, and build, and grow. It’s just a piece of paper that gives her access to a place and space of peace and rest in me… a place where only she can come.
It is just a piece of paper that says that I will live up to the commitment to love my wife no matter what happens in my life. It’s just a piece of paper that I take seriously. Because of that piece of paper, I have joy. It IS just a piece of paper. But, it is the most important piece of paper that I have.
“It’s just a piece of paper” they say. The deed to your house is “just a piece of paper.” Your apartment lease agreement, your car registration, your check on payday, your driver’s license and so many more things qualify under the title of “just a piece of paper.” But you make sure that you have these in place, and you are very protective of them. High school diplomas, certificates of completion, college degrees are all “pieces of paper.” But, they are highly valued. Shouldn’t you value the most important relationship in your life at least as much as you do your house, car, or level of education?
Our marriage certificate gives my wife rights to all of my “stuff.” If I should die before she does, she is protected. Unmarried couples don’t have this protection unless they draw up a lot of legal documents. And if they are going to do all of that, they may as well get married. It is a lot simpler. When you sign any contract, there are conditions that you have to live up to in order for the contract to remain valid. The contract in essence gives you a goal to strive for. A marriage contract is no different. There are terms. You agree to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and bad times; in sickness and in health; whether rich or poor; until death do you part. That is the goal that you are shooting for. You want to live up to the contract. We lived together for three years before we got married. We thought we loved each other and we did. But, once we took the marriage vows and got the “piece of paper,” we found that the old love was but a mere shadow of the love that developed once we were married. There is no comparison.
My marriage license is a symbol of the love and life that I will share with my wife until the day that I die. It is just a piece of paper that declares to the world that I am my beloved’s and she is mine. It’s just a piece of paper that is a symbol of a relationship that means so much more to me than the wood and plaster of a house or the tin, plastic and rubber of a car. It’s just a piece of paper that reminds us of why we are together when we want to go… So we stay, and build, and grow. It’s just a piece of paper that gives her access to a place and space of peace and rest in me… a place where only she can come.
It is just a piece of paper that says that I will live up to the commitment to love my wife no matter what happens in my life. It’s just a piece of paper that I take seriously. Because of that piece of paper, I have joy. It IS just a piece of paper. But, it is the most important piece of paper that I have.
Heavenly Marriage
Ever since I have been a Christian, I have been excited about the idea of Heaven. I used to wonder why most of the Christians I knew were not excited about Heaven. Yeah, they want to go there, but they aren't as pumped up about it as they are about getting a new car or a new house. This has always seemed strange to me since Eternal Life, Heaven, is the primary thing that Jesus talked about. It is the primary reason He died on the cross. Yet, it seems that Christians spend very little time thinking about what Jesus spent most of His time talking about. Then it occurred to me that maybe the reason for the lack of interest is that so few Christians know how much the Bible says about Heaven. They get most of their concepts of Heaven from the movies and cartoons. I have to admit, the idea of sitting around on a cloud playing a harp for eternity is not very appealing. In the Bible, Heaven is described as a “kingdom” which indicates power and prominence; a “country” which gives the idea of identity; a “city” which brings to mind culture, creativity and productivity. And obviously, whatever is there is better than places like New York, Rome or Tokyo or Jesus would not have died to give us entry to it. Heaven will not be boring.
These days, people seem to be as uninterested in marriage as they are in Heaven. And for the same reason: They have a very watered down idea of what marriage is. I hear young men speaking of not wanting to “end their lives yet.” They don’t want to get “tied down.” They don’t want to “miss out” on something. They are afraid that they will get married and have to do the same things every day. The funny thing is, most of them are already doing the same things every day. They go out and hit on a lot of different women. But, they want to do the same thing with the women. They go to a lot of different places. But, they do the same thing every place they go. They are creatures of habit. They just don’t know it. In a real marriage, there is love and in love there is freedom. There is no sense of restriction. You are free to truly build a life together.
Building a relationship with another person is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do. Once you learn to think past the things you would do on your own, you can start to truly develop a meaningful and fulfilling bond with your spouse. What I mean by that is there are certain things you are going to do whether you married or not. You are going to work. You will have some place to live. If you want to, you will go to college. You will have some form of transportation. Marriage may determine how and when you do these things, but even if you were not married you were going to do them anyway. So, to think past these is to realize that, while important, these things won’t make or break your marriage unless you let them. Your marriage is above and beyond what you do for a living, where you live, how educated you are or what kind of a car you drive. Remember-- rich, educated, Mercedes driving folks get divorced more than poor people.
The rewards and excitement of marriage start with realizing that the relationship is about the two of you and not about what you have or don’t have. It is really that simple. We tend to complicate matters by adding conditions that don’t belong in the mix. Learning to love one another is a lifetime experience. Growing in that love is a lifetime joy. Appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, comforting, forgiving, anticipating and desiring one another are all part of the satisfying nature of marriage. Yes there will be problems. So what? If you stayed single for the rest of your life, guess what? There will be PROBLEMS. That’s just part of life. When you are single, you deal with the problems and move on. When you are married, you deal with the problems and move on.
For people who base their happiness in marriage on what they accumulate, marriage will become a dull boring experience. For people who base their happiness in marriage on building their relationship, marriage will continue to be fulfilling and satisfying. When you understand what to base your marriage on, you won’t fear getting married. As a Christian, I believe that God created marriage just as the Bible teaches. God did not create anything to be boring and dull. That includes Marriage and Heaven.
These days, people seem to be as uninterested in marriage as they are in Heaven. And for the same reason: They have a very watered down idea of what marriage is. I hear young men speaking of not wanting to “end their lives yet.” They don’t want to get “tied down.” They don’t want to “miss out” on something. They are afraid that they will get married and have to do the same things every day. The funny thing is, most of them are already doing the same things every day. They go out and hit on a lot of different women. But, they want to do the same thing with the women. They go to a lot of different places. But, they do the same thing every place they go. They are creatures of habit. They just don’t know it. In a real marriage, there is love and in love there is freedom. There is no sense of restriction. You are free to truly build a life together.
Building a relationship with another person is one of the most rewarding things you can ever do. Once you learn to think past the things you would do on your own, you can start to truly develop a meaningful and fulfilling bond with your spouse. What I mean by that is there are certain things you are going to do whether you married or not. You are going to work. You will have some place to live. If you want to, you will go to college. You will have some form of transportation. Marriage may determine how and when you do these things, but even if you were not married you were going to do them anyway. So, to think past these is to realize that, while important, these things won’t make or break your marriage unless you let them. Your marriage is above and beyond what you do for a living, where you live, how educated you are or what kind of a car you drive. Remember-- rich, educated, Mercedes driving folks get divorced more than poor people.
The rewards and excitement of marriage start with realizing that the relationship is about the two of you and not about what you have or don’t have. It is really that simple. We tend to complicate matters by adding conditions that don’t belong in the mix. Learning to love one another is a lifetime experience. Growing in that love is a lifetime joy. Appreciating, enjoying, encouraging, comforting, forgiving, anticipating and desiring one another are all part of the satisfying nature of marriage. Yes there will be problems. So what? If you stayed single for the rest of your life, guess what? There will be PROBLEMS. That’s just part of life. When you are single, you deal with the problems and move on. When you are married, you deal with the problems and move on.
For people who base their happiness in marriage on what they accumulate, marriage will become a dull boring experience. For people who base their happiness in marriage on building their relationship, marriage will continue to be fulfilling and satisfying. When you understand what to base your marriage on, you won’t fear getting married. As a Christian, I believe that God created marriage just as the Bible teaches. God did not create anything to be boring and dull. That includes Marriage and Heaven.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Your Cheating Heart
I made a statement at a meeting some years back and the reaction to it surprised me, amused me, and somewhat saddened me all at the same time. The statement was simply, “I will never cheat on my wife.” It seemed to me like a reasonable statement for a married man to make. But the immediate reaction to what I said made me wonder if I had committed blasphemy or something on that level. “How can you say something like that?” “You can’t say what you won’t ever do!” “You don’t know what you will do under the right circumstances!” “You are not being realistic!” “You are fooling yourself!” Now, these sentiments weren’t just being expressed to me, they were being shouted at me! I was actually being attacked for saying that I would never cheat on my wife. Oh, did I mention that the meeting was a men’s fellowship meeting and that those in attendance were pastors, ministers, deacons and other church members? I knew these men. They were all good men. That is why their reaction surprised, amused AND saddened me. In due time, I found this to be a pretty widespread opinion among both men and women concerning being faithful to their spouses. While people want to be and intend to be, they are reluctant to make a definite statement that they will be faithful. They seem to be afraid of some great “WHAT IF…” So, I suppose when I made the statement, the brothers attacked me in order to protect their own fears. Or maybe not.
I think people may tend to get temptation confused with yielding to temptation. They are, in fact, two entirely different things. You cannot control temptation because you never know when it is going to hit. That is why it is called temptation. It is usually a surprise. However, while you are not in control of what tempts you, you are definitely in control of how you react to it. Is temptation possible? Yes. Is it possible that anyone can yield to it? Yes. It is definitely possible. Possibilities are what the brothers were dealing with when they so vehemently disagreed with me. But, I wasn’t dealing with possibilities when I made the statement. I was dealing with probabilities. I know that it is theoretically possible for me to cheat. But, the probability of me cheating is: Zero. There is an old maxim called the 5 P’s: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. If I were to wait until I found myself in a compromising situation to decide what I should do, I would probably fall. But, if I have already made it up in my mind to stand, to be faithful to my wife, to be faithful to my love, to be faithful to my God, it becomes easy to walk away. If the furthest you’ve gotten in your thought process is, “I want to be faithful,” “I will try to be faithful,” “I should be faithful,” if this is as far as you have gotten, you are setting yourself up for failure. You have to have a made up mind to be properly prepared, to prevent poor performance.
The Bible tells us that a man is as he thinks in his heart. If you think it is possible for you to fall, you probably will at some point because you haven’t prepared yourself not to. When I think about the pain, hurt and disappointment that I would bring to my wife, my children and the offense to God just because I could not control my zipper, there is no probability that I would ever cheat. Temptation just happens, but resisting temptation is a matter of choice. God never holds us responsible for being tempted. But He does hold us responsible for yielding to it. The Bible says that God always gives you a way out of temptation. When I made the statement about not cheating on my wife, the brothers came up with all kinds of scenarios and “supposes” and such. But, the bottom line is: No matter what the temptation is, your feet still work. There really is no unwritten law that says just because you are tempted you have to yield to it.
I know men that think about being faithful all of the time. They worry about it. They agonize over it. The possibility of cheating scares them so much that they are afraid to look at another woman. They feel that they have no real control and that they are always one step away from slipping. With the thought of cheating on your mind all of the time, you are more likely to cheat than not. Men like me don’t particularly think about cheating or being faithful at all. Being faithful is just a part of who we are. There is nothing to think about. You just do it. You breathe, you are faithful. You drink water, you are faithful. I don’t have to think about breathing. I need to breathe to stay alive. I need water to stay alive. Faithfulness is necessary for my marriage to stay alive. So, I just do it. There is no alternative to consider. Being faithful has become as natural as breathing for me. I just do it. I don’t get up in the morning and think, “Should I be faithful today or not?” There is no “or not” therefore, there is no “should I?” It just is.
“I will never cheat on my wife.” It was a seemingly harmless statement to me. Yet, it brought about two hours of debate and conversation, all against my statement, by men who should have been making the same statement. To me, each one of those men should have been saying the same thing that I said. There was only one man who agreed with me and he didn’t let me know until we had a private conversation after the meeting was over. He didn’t want to catch any of the heat directed at me. Now as far as I know, all of these men are faithful to their wives. They are just not able to bring themselves to make a definite statement about what they will or won’t do. They are stuck in what could possibly happen if they are not careful. Possibility thinking is fine for some things such as plans for your future. When it comes to your marriage and being faithful, possibility thinking falls short. Probability thinking is what is needed. It is not “what will I possibility do?” It is “what will I probably do?” At some point in your life, you should know yourself well enough to say what you would probably do in a given set of circumstances. I know me well enough to know that I will never cheat on my wife. It is not that complicated. When it comes to cheating, just don’t do it. When it comes to being faithful, just do it. It works for me.
I think people may tend to get temptation confused with yielding to temptation. They are, in fact, two entirely different things. You cannot control temptation because you never know when it is going to hit. That is why it is called temptation. It is usually a surprise. However, while you are not in control of what tempts you, you are definitely in control of how you react to it. Is temptation possible? Yes. Is it possible that anyone can yield to it? Yes. It is definitely possible. Possibilities are what the brothers were dealing with when they so vehemently disagreed with me. But, I wasn’t dealing with possibilities when I made the statement. I was dealing with probabilities. I know that it is theoretically possible for me to cheat. But, the probability of me cheating is: Zero. There is an old maxim called the 5 P’s: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance. If I were to wait until I found myself in a compromising situation to decide what I should do, I would probably fall. But, if I have already made it up in my mind to stand, to be faithful to my wife, to be faithful to my love, to be faithful to my God, it becomes easy to walk away. If the furthest you’ve gotten in your thought process is, “I want to be faithful,” “I will try to be faithful,” “I should be faithful,” if this is as far as you have gotten, you are setting yourself up for failure. You have to have a made up mind to be properly prepared, to prevent poor performance.
The Bible tells us that a man is as he thinks in his heart. If you think it is possible for you to fall, you probably will at some point because you haven’t prepared yourself not to. When I think about the pain, hurt and disappointment that I would bring to my wife, my children and the offense to God just because I could not control my zipper, there is no probability that I would ever cheat. Temptation just happens, but resisting temptation is a matter of choice. God never holds us responsible for being tempted. But He does hold us responsible for yielding to it. The Bible says that God always gives you a way out of temptation. When I made the statement about not cheating on my wife, the brothers came up with all kinds of scenarios and “supposes” and such. But, the bottom line is: No matter what the temptation is, your feet still work. There really is no unwritten law that says just because you are tempted you have to yield to it.
I know men that think about being faithful all of the time. They worry about it. They agonize over it. The possibility of cheating scares them so much that they are afraid to look at another woman. They feel that they have no real control and that they are always one step away from slipping. With the thought of cheating on your mind all of the time, you are more likely to cheat than not. Men like me don’t particularly think about cheating or being faithful at all. Being faithful is just a part of who we are. There is nothing to think about. You just do it. You breathe, you are faithful. You drink water, you are faithful. I don’t have to think about breathing. I need to breathe to stay alive. I need water to stay alive. Faithfulness is necessary for my marriage to stay alive. So, I just do it. There is no alternative to consider. Being faithful has become as natural as breathing for me. I just do it. I don’t get up in the morning and think, “Should I be faithful today or not?” There is no “or not” therefore, there is no “should I?” It just is.
“I will never cheat on my wife.” It was a seemingly harmless statement to me. Yet, it brought about two hours of debate and conversation, all against my statement, by men who should have been making the same statement. To me, each one of those men should have been saying the same thing that I said. There was only one man who agreed with me and he didn’t let me know until we had a private conversation after the meeting was over. He didn’t want to catch any of the heat directed at me. Now as far as I know, all of these men are faithful to their wives. They are just not able to bring themselves to make a definite statement about what they will or won’t do. They are stuck in what could possibly happen if they are not careful. Possibility thinking is fine for some things such as plans for your future. When it comes to your marriage and being faithful, possibility thinking falls short. Probability thinking is what is needed. It is not “what will I possibility do?” It is “what will I probably do?” At some point in your life, you should know yourself well enough to say what you would probably do in a given set of circumstances. I know me well enough to know that I will never cheat on my wife. It is not that complicated. When it comes to cheating, just don’t do it. When it comes to being faithful, just do it. It works for me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Momma Said...
I recently received an email from Anonymous asking about the plight of a single mother raising a boy. How can a mother, without a father in the home, teach her son to be a man? How do you teach a son to avoid the violence, to appreciate family values, to respect and love his wife and to value his accomplishments without challenging his manhood? I have to say, “Anonymous, you asked a mouthful.” I don’t know that I can adequately answer any of this, but I'll share a few of my thoughts on the matter.
I think that it is very important from an early age to teach the boy to think for himself. One way to do this is for you to value his opinion. If he has a good opinion, let him know. If he has a bad opinion, challenge him to think differently. Don’t tell him he is wrong or that his idea is silly. That will only crush him and eventually send him out to find people that will agree with him. Instead, if he is wrong, try saying something like, “I see that you've given this some thought, but have you considered…?” And then lead him into the right way of thinking. This type of response leads to discussion instead of argument. “Have you considered…?” challenges a person to think about what he has just said, to listen to what you are saying, and to compare the two concepts. This takes time and patience on your part, but if you want to help to develop a thinking man, you have to put in the time.
Yes, there is violence, drugs and many other vices out there. When he goes out of your front door, he will run into all kinds of bad influences. It is important for you to instill in him that he has a choice. While there are many bad things out there, there are many more good things out there to choose from. Hold him responsible for the choices that he makes. Don’t give him the convenient out based on“peer pressure.” Let him know that peer pressure can work in both directions. He can influence someone to do good rather than allowing himself to be influenced to do bad. He has a choice. Don’t accept the “broken home” excuse for having done wrong. There are men who came from broken homes who went on to become some of the worst criminals in the city. That was their choice. There are other men from broken homes who went on to become truck drivers, lawyers, janitors, doctors, teachers, store clerks, musicians, and on and on. They made a choice to make an honest living. When a man understands the essence of choice, he understands the essence of manhood. As long as he blames someone else (missing dad, the white man, his peers, etc.) he is a slave to that person. If that person never comes back or never changes then he can never change because he has given them power over how he conducts his life. As long as he blames circumstances for his plight (broken home, racism, etc.) he is a slave to that circumstance. If it doesn’t change, then he can’t. But, if he takes responsibility for his own choices, then he has the power to change his mind when he makes a bad decision. If he knows that it was his choice to do wrong, then he knows that he can make the choice to do right.
Tell him about his father. If at all possible, encourage a relationship between him and his father. Because you and his father didn’t make it doesn’t mean that he and his father won’t make it. Don’t use him as a weapon against the father by not allowing the father to see him out of spite. Don’t belittle his father to him. You don’t have to pretend that his father is better than he actually is, but don’t constantly bring up the fact that the man is a dog in your opinion. That is very unhealthy for a boy to hear. He will respect you more if you don’t speak badly of his father. Plus, he knows that you are the one who is caring for him. He is not blind. Because he wants to love and respect his father doesn’t mean that he loves you less. You don’t have to feel threatened. If he is never going to see his father, then tell him whatever good you remember about his father. Unless you were raped, there was something that attracted you to his father. Let him know those qualities. It will help him to feel better about himself in the long run.
If you date, make sure you date men that respect you. If you accept a bunch of doggish men in and out of your life, then you are telling your son by default that it is alright to treat women like that. After all, if it is good enough for Momma, it’s good enough for any other woman.
Teach him to respect and to love women by showing him a mother that he can love and respect. Talk to him about how to treat a woman. Share with him what your concept of a “good woman” is. Respect the woman that he eventually chooses even if she doesn’t fit your “ideal woman” for your son. Respect her and he will respect her. Love her and he will love her more.
Love is taught by being loving. I don’t mean a smothering over protective kind of love. I mean an encouraging love; a corrective love; an enlightening love; a nurturing and teaching love; an empowering love. I mean a love that starts and ends with loving God. God is larger than any circumstance or person. If your son has a love for the Lord and wants to please Him, he will make the right choices. He will know that if he does this, it will please God. He will know that he can’t do that and still please God. Loving God will keep him focused. Teaching a boy to be a man starts with teaching him to love God. You may not see the results right away, but in due time you will see the MAN that you desire to blossom out of the boy that you raised.
There is so much to say on a subject like this. I haven’t even scratched the surface. But, I hope that I have at least given you some food for thought.
I think that it is very important from an early age to teach the boy to think for himself. One way to do this is for you to value his opinion. If he has a good opinion, let him know. If he has a bad opinion, challenge him to think differently. Don’t tell him he is wrong or that his idea is silly. That will only crush him and eventually send him out to find people that will agree with him. Instead, if he is wrong, try saying something like, “I see that you've given this some thought, but have you considered…?” And then lead him into the right way of thinking. This type of response leads to discussion instead of argument. “Have you considered…?” challenges a person to think about what he has just said, to listen to what you are saying, and to compare the two concepts. This takes time and patience on your part, but if you want to help to develop a thinking man, you have to put in the time.
Yes, there is violence, drugs and many other vices out there. When he goes out of your front door, he will run into all kinds of bad influences. It is important for you to instill in him that he has a choice. While there are many bad things out there, there are many more good things out there to choose from. Hold him responsible for the choices that he makes. Don’t give him the convenient out based on“peer pressure.” Let him know that peer pressure can work in both directions. He can influence someone to do good rather than allowing himself to be influenced to do bad. He has a choice. Don’t accept the “broken home” excuse for having done wrong. There are men who came from broken homes who went on to become some of the worst criminals in the city. That was their choice. There are other men from broken homes who went on to become truck drivers, lawyers, janitors, doctors, teachers, store clerks, musicians, and on and on. They made a choice to make an honest living. When a man understands the essence of choice, he understands the essence of manhood. As long as he blames someone else (missing dad, the white man, his peers, etc.) he is a slave to that person. If that person never comes back or never changes then he can never change because he has given them power over how he conducts his life. As long as he blames circumstances for his plight (broken home, racism, etc.) he is a slave to that circumstance. If it doesn’t change, then he can’t. But, if he takes responsibility for his own choices, then he has the power to change his mind when he makes a bad decision. If he knows that it was his choice to do wrong, then he knows that he can make the choice to do right.
Tell him about his father. If at all possible, encourage a relationship between him and his father. Because you and his father didn’t make it doesn’t mean that he and his father won’t make it. Don’t use him as a weapon against the father by not allowing the father to see him out of spite. Don’t belittle his father to him. You don’t have to pretend that his father is better than he actually is, but don’t constantly bring up the fact that the man is a dog in your opinion. That is very unhealthy for a boy to hear. He will respect you more if you don’t speak badly of his father. Plus, he knows that you are the one who is caring for him. He is not blind. Because he wants to love and respect his father doesn’t mean that he loves you less. You don’t have to feel threatened. If he is never going to see his father, then tell him whatever good you remember about his father. Unless you were raped, there was something that attracted you to his father. Let him know those qualities. It will help him to feel better about himself in the long run.
If you date, make sure you date men that respect you. If you accept a bunch of doggish men in and out of your life, then you are telling your son by default that it is alright to treat women like that. After all, if it is good enough for Momma, it’s good enough for any other woman.
Teach him to respect and to love women by showing him a mother that he can love and respect. Talk to him about how to treat a woman. Share with him what your concept of a “good woman” is. Respect the woman that he eventually chooses even if she doesn’t fit your “ideal woman” for your son. Respect her and he will respect her. Love her and he will love her more.
Love is taught by being loving. I don’t mean a smothering over protective kind of love. I mean an encouraging love; a corrective love; an enlightening love; a nurturing and teaching love; an empowering love. I mean a love that starts and ends with loving God. God is larger than any circumstance or person. If your son has a love for the Lord and wants to please Him, he will make the right choices. He will know that if he does this, it will please God. He will know that he can’t do that and still please God. Loving God will keep him focused. Teaching a boy to be a man starts with teaching him to love God. You may not see the results right away, but in due time you will see the MAN that you desire to blossom out of the boy that you raised.
There is so much to say on a subject like this. I haven’t even scratched the surface. But, I hope that I have at least given you some food for thought.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
There Is A Man Who Loves
There is a man who loves his wife. Yes, there is such a man. You would not know it by how men are portrayed in the mass media. But, he really does exist. Married men are usually portrayed as stupid, bumbling fools at best and as cheaters, wife beaters and murderers at worst. If they happen to be ministers, they also usually doubt their faith and are harsh and unloving. If they happen to be Black, they will do most of the above. If they happen to be black ministers, they will do all of the above. People watch these stereotypes over and over again until it is expected of men to be like that in real life. No one is surprised when the married minister runs off with the church money and the church secretary. “Are there any good men out there?” is almost a mantra now.
One of the reasons that I decided to start posting these blogs was to reassure people that there are men who truly do love their wives. I am one, but there are many more like me. Don’t allow the negative images of married men to frighten you away from a life of love. I know men of all races and occupations who are good husbands. I happen to be Black and I also happen to be a Christian minister. I am a man who was there during the early years when love was new. When our love was new, my wife would ask the question, “Do you love me?” New love, while exciting, is uncertain. It hasn’t stood the test of time. So, the question, “Do you love me?” is a valid one. I am also a man who stayed the course through the tough times to get back to the good times and to move on to the great times. I am still here and now our love is old. Old love is so much better than new love. The question, “Do you love me?” is not an issue anymore. She knows that I am still in love with her and I know that she is still in love with me. We don’t have to question our love anymore, we just enjoy it.
Yes, there is a man who spends everyday falling in love with his wife. There is a man, a minister, who loves God with his whole heart, mind and soul; a man, who through his love for the Lord, learned to love his wife unconditionally. There is a man, a Black man, who is not threatened by his wife’s accomplishments, but, rather, encourages her to be all that she wants to be. After all of these years, there is a man whose love for his wife is still growing. I want you to know that there is a man whose wife still feels beautiful when he looks at her; a man whose wife still feels desired by him more than ever. In the movies, all you basically see are black men who are hustlers, cheaters, players, and gamers. You see men who are afraid of commitment. You see men who are afraid of marriage because they fear they might miss out on the next best thing that comes along. In other words, you see a long list of stupid, selfish, unsure of themselves boys (Oops, I mean men). But, I want you to know that in real life, there is a man, a Black man, who loves his wife. There is a man who is committed to that love to the end.
In the movies, you see ministers portrayed as being foolish, uncertain of their faith in hard times, cheaters, thieves, cultists and worst. But, in real life, there is a man who truly loves the Lord; a man who understands what it means Biblically to be a Christian. There is a man, a Black man, a minister, who is truly surrendered to the Lord and committed to serving Him. Yes, there is such a man. I am that man. In fact, I am just one of a great many men who love God and love their wives. I am not unique by any means. We don’t get much press, but, we do exist. There is a man who can look at his wife and say, “After all of these years, I am still so very much in love with you.”
One of the reasons that I decided to start posting these blogs was to reassure people that there are men who truly do love their wives. I am one, but there are many more like me. Don’t allow the negative images of married men to frighten you away from a life of love. I know men of all races and occupations who are good husbands. I happen to be Black and I also happen to be a Christian minister. I am a man who was there during the early years when love was new. When our love was new, my wife would ask the question, “Do you love me?” New love, while exciting, is uncertain. It hasn’t stood the test of time. So, the question, “Do you love me?” is a valid one. I am also a man who stayed the course through the tough times to get back to the good times and to move on to the great times. I am still here and now our love is old. Old love is so much better than new love. The question, “Do you love me?” is not an issue anymore. She knows that I am still in love with her and I know that she is still in love with me. We don’t have to question our love anymore, we just enjoy it.
Yes, there is a man who spends everyday falling in love with his wife. There is a man, a minister, who loves God with his whole heart, mind and soul; a man, who through his love for the Lord, learned to love his wife unconditionally. There is a man, a Black man, who is not threatened by his wife’s accomplishments, but, rather, encourages her to be all that she wants to be. After all of these years, there is a man whose love for his wife is still growing. I want you to know that there is a man whose wife still feels beautiful when he looks at her; a man whose wife still feels desired by him more than ever. In the movies, all you basically see are black men who are hustlers, cheaters, players, and gamers. You see men who are afraid of commitment. You see men who are afraid of marriage because they fear they might miss out on the next best thing that comes along. In other words, you see a long list of stupid, selfish, unsure of themselves boys (Oops, I mean men). But, I want you to know that in real life, there is a man, a Black man, who loves his wife. There is a man who is committed to that love to the end.
In the movies, you see ministers portrayed as being foolish, uncertain of their faith in hard times, cheaters, thieves, cultists and worst. But, in real life, there is a man who truly loves the Lord; a man who understands what it means Biblically to be a Christian. There is a man, a Black man, a minister, who is truly surrendered to the Lord and committed to serving Him. Yes, there is such a man. I am that man. In fact, I am just one of a great many men who love God and love their wives. I am not unique by any means. We don’t get much press, but, we do exist. There is a man who can look at his wife and say, “After all of these years, I am still so very much in love with you.”
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Am I Sexy Enough For You?
Some women spend a lot of money, time and energy in the name of looking cute and sexy. Low cut tops to show off their cleavage, and short dresses and skirts to show off their legs are quite common. And that is the problem, it is QUITE COMMON. It is seen so much, that one blends into another. There is always another sexy, cute girl around the corner. You see, sexy and cute appeal to the eye. Sexy never gets past the eye of most men. And the eyes have no memory. The eyes focus on what’s in front of them at the moment. Out of sight, out of mind. That is the essence of cute and sexy. Sexy will always get attention, but it almost never holds interest. And you don’t hear grown men referring to a woman that he is interested in as being “cute.” Cute is for boys, not men. Men use words like attractive, beautiful, sensual and many other ways to describe a woman of interest. But, not cute. Cute is reserved for boys and girls.
The woman that holds a man’s attention is the one who gets past his eyes and into his head. Sexy and cute very seldom get into a man’s head. There is a difference between being sexy, which is contrived and made up and having sex appeal, which flows naturally from the woman’s character. Men remember women who are self aware and self confident. Sexy is only self centered. Self confident-self centered: Be aware of the difference. A sexy woman tries to dress to make her self look good. A self aware woman makes what ever she wears look good. She understands that clothes don’t make the woman, the woman makes the clothes. She is not into fad, she is into style. And her style is personal. It fits her. She is the one who will get past the eyes of a man and get into his head. He knows that there is not another “her” right around the corner.
Sexy, at the most, leads to a booty call. Class and style lead to relationships. Taking care of how she looks is automatic for a self confident woman. So, her whole life is not about how she looks. She also is interested in other people and develops a sense of humor about her self. She is usually easy to talk to. I am not talking about cookie cutter, stamped out women who all think and act alike. These are just general qualities that are usually found in self confident women to one degree or another. How they play out in each particular woman is different. They will have different tastes in clothes, foods, music, humor, etc. One could be dressed in a sweat shirt and jeans and the other in an evening gown and they could have vastly different personalities. But, both will still exhibit that easy self confidence, that sense of self that goes way beyond the taste in clothes. And they will both get past the eyes of a man and into his head, though for very different reasons.
Toys are cute. You don’t want to be just another cute plaything for some man who still thinks like a boy. Men look at cute and sexy, no doubt. But, there is no long term attraction to cute and sexy because more is always on the way. Cute and sexy is like icing without the cake: Sweet, but no substance. You get tired of sweet with no substance very quickly. Men may look at “sweet” and may even want to taste “sweet,” but, they are attracted to substance. Again, I am talking about men, not boys.
I am not posting this to put any woman down regardless of how she dresses. I am simply sharing some facts of life that I shared with my daughter. Women sometimes think they know what men want. I am telling you what they really want. You are free to dress and act any way that you like. But, remember, if you only reach the eyes, it’s out of sight, out of mind. If you really want to impress a man, don’t try. Just be yourself and you will get past his eyes and into his head.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
How We Met...The Beginning
I remember the most important parts of the night well. I was at a wedding reception, having as nice a time as you can have at a wedding reception. I thought about the fact that I lived close to the event and decided to have an impromptu party. I was always a good party host and could put a party together very quickly if necessary. So, I spread the word that there would be an after party and to come on by. Now, I did not know any of the people at the affair except the bride and groom, so, I wasn’t sure who would show up. I just figured that whoever did come, we would all have a good time. I left the reception and headed for the store to get some party starting supplies. I bought some Bali Hai pineapple wine and some 7UP to make some punch. I got some chips and dip to munch on and headed home to prepare for my guests, who ever they might be.
People started to drift in and avail themselves of the punch and chips. They danced and were having a good time. I was sitting in a chair facing my front door and greeting folks as they came. All of a sudden, I saw this long, brown leg step up on my porch. The rest of the body followed and suddenly standing at my door was this tall ~Black Is Beautiful~ sista with wire framed glasses and an Angela Davis styled natural that seemed to be moving to the music. As she stuck her head inside the door, she asked, “Is this the party?” I remember thinking, “Now it is.” But, I simply replied, “Yes.” She came in and became the party for me. I did not see her at the reception, but, now, I couldn’t see anyone but her. She had my undivided attention from that moment on. One of the most popular Doo Wop songs of all time is the piece “I Only Have Eyes For You” by the Flamingos. At that moment, I can truly say that I only had eyes for her.
We talked and danced and talked some more. I found out that she was a senior at San Jose State University planning to become a teacher. Since she was in college, I knew that she had most probably only been dating college boys. So, being a man, I didn’t view them as any possible competition for her affections should it progress that far. The more we talked, the more I wanted to really get to know her. To this day, I don’t remember anything about anyone else at the party. I have no idea how many people came. I don’t know if they enjoyed themselves. I don’t know when they left. I do know that she was there and I was there and we connected. Everything else, everyone else was irrelevant. I actually met the love of my life in my own living room.
She was only in town for the wedding and had to leave to go back to school the next day. So, before she left the party, I got her address so that I could write to her. We wrote back and forth and when she would come into L.A. to visit her family, we would get together. Time went on and we eventually fell in love. Now, I was just coming out of a divorce and the last thing I thought about was getting into a relationship. And I definitely wasn’t looking for a wife. But, I knew that she was one that I shouldn’t let pass. One day, we went out for a ride and came back married. We have been together ever since.
Obviously, we had to over come some things. We almost broke up a couple of times. But, we decided to stay the course. And when we decided to do it God’s way through His Word, our relationship and our love took off and continues to soar to greater heights. So, after over 30 years, I can look at her and still say, as the song says, “I Only Have Eyes For You!!!”
People started to drift in and avail themselves of the punch and chips. They danced and were having a good time. I was sitting in a chair facing my front door and greeting folks as they came. All of a sudden, I saw this long, brown leg step up on my porch. The rest of the body followed and suddenly standing at my door was this tall ~Black Is Beautiful~ sista with wire framed glasses and an Angela Davis styled natural that seemed to be moving to the music. As she stuck her head inside the door, she asked, “Is this the party?” I remember thinking, “Now it is.” But, I simply replied, “Yes.” She came in and became the party for me. I did not see her at the reception, but, now, I couldn’t see anyone but her. She had my undivided attention from that moment on. One of the most popular Doo Wop songs of all time is the piece “I Only Have Eyes For You” by the Flamingos. At that moment, I can truly say that I only had eyes for her.
We talked and danced and talked some more. I found out that she was a senior at San Jose State University planning to become a teacher. Since she was in college, I knew that she had most probably only been dating college boys. So, being a man, I didn’t view them as any possible competition for her affections should it progress that far. The more we talked, the more I wanted to really get to know her. To this day, I don’t remember anything about anyone else at the party. I have no idea how many people came. I don’t know if they enjoyed themselves. I don’t know when they left. I do know that she was there and I was there and we connected. Everything else, everyone else was irrelevant. I actually met the love of my life in my own living room.
She was only in town for the wedding and had to leave to go back to school the next day. So, before she left the party, I got her address so that I could write to her. We wrote back and forth and when she would come into L.A. to visit her family, we would get together. Time went on and we eventually fell in love. Now, I was just coming out of a divorce and the last thing I thought about was getting into a relationship. And I definitely wasn’t looking for a wife. But, I knew that she was one that I shouldn’t let pass. One day, we went out for a ride and came back married. We have been together ever since.
Obviously, we had to over come some things. We almost broke up a couple of times. But, we decided to stay the course. And when we decided to do it God’s way through His Word, our relationship and our love took off and continues to soar to greater heights. So, after over 30 years, I can look at her and still say, as the song says, “I Only Have Eyes For You!!!”
Thursday, May 17, 2007
What's My Job
When we see words in the Bible such as “pastor,” “bishop”, “apostle,” “priest” or “prophet,” they were not merely titles. In fact, for the most part, they were not titles at all. They were job descriptions. Rather than speaking of what a person called himself, they spoke of the job that person was called by God to do. For instance, you never read of Paul referring to himself as “Apostle Paul.” He always says, “Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ.” Just as you would not say, “Here’s Plumber Joe,” but, rather, “Here is Joe, the plumber.” It was not until centuries later that the job descriptions became more of a title. As a result, today we have too many ministers that are living on the title. What we need is more ministers who live up to the job description. Yes, these words are much more than mere titles.
In this same pattern of thought, we have men today who act as if the word “husband” is merely a title. They want the title without the substance that goes along with it. They think of themselves as “husbands” only in the sense that they now have a wife to serve them. They now have someone to control. When they are out chasing other women, being a husband becomes a matter of convenience. If they are married, they don’t have to make a real commitment to the women that they are playing around with. It’s just another con game. They string women along with the “promise” that they will get a divorce as soon as it is possible. The thing is, getting a divorce never becomes possible.
Just a side thought here for the ladies reading this. Ladies, don’t think that you can change him. If he is cheating on his wife, the only reason he will leave her is that she finally catches on and leaves him. Then he may come to you. But, if he does, beware because he will probably do the same to you: Cheat on you and try to control you. That’s his nature. You can’t change it. There is an old Oscar Brown, Jr. song called “The Snake.” It is about a woman on her way to work on a winter morning. She is walking through the park on her way to the bus stop when she comes across a half frozen, almost dead snake. She feels sorry for the snake. She takes him home and nurses him back to health. Every day she rushes home from work to see how the snake is doing. One day she comes home to find the snake all laid back in the easy chair listening to some soft jazz and sipping some lemonade. She is so glad to see that the snake is well. She picks him up and hugs him close and tells him how happy she is. Just then, the snake opens his mouth and bites her. She screams at the snake and asks him how he could treat her this way after all she has done for him. “You know your bite is poisonous and I will surely die,” she says. “Oh, shut up silly woman,” the snake said with a grin. “You knew darn well I was a snake before you took me in!”
Now back to the story. As men, we are called to do much more than just saying we are a husband. We are called to be a husband. We are called, if you will, to live up to the job description and not just live on the title. When the Bible tells us to become one flesh with our wives and to love our wives as Jesus loved the church, those are not suggestions. Those are commands. Those are standards that are set for us. Those are God’s expectations of us. Paul, Peter, John and others recognized the call of God on their lives. They expressed that calling through their love for God and through their actions in serving Him. As men, we are to recognize the call of God on our lives as husbands. And, likewise, we express that calling through our actions by loving God and our wives and by serving both. As leader of the church, Jesus said that He did not come to be served, but rather, to serve. We are to follow His example. This serving is done out of love, not out of duty. You simply do it because you love your wife enough to do it.
Being a husband should mean something to you. It should define who you are. Other than your relationship with God, your marriage is the most important relationship that you have. Treat it that way. Don’t just claim to be a husband. BE A HUSBAND. Being a husband is like anything else that you do. It is a process. You grow into it. You continually tweak it. But, first, you have to have the desire to be it. If you have ever played a sport or a game that you really liked, you trained and practiced until you became better at it. The more you trained, the better you became. Being a better husband is no different. Put in the time, the effort, the desire and you will become better. There is no one set pattern for all men to follow because all men do not think alike. So, whatever it takes for you to be a better husband, as the gospel of Nike says, “Just Do It!” God is good. While He sees us and loves us corporately, He also sees us and loves us as individuals. So, He will work with you and in you to do what is necessary for Him to work through you. Ultimately, it is Him working through you that will make you the best husband that you can be. As husbands, we just have to follow His lead.
In this same pattern of thought, we have men today who act as if the word “husband” is merely a title. They want the title without the substance that goes along with it. They think of themselves as “husbands” only in the sense that they now have a wife to serve them. They now have someone to control. When they are out chasing other women, being a husband becomes a matter of convenience. If they are married, they don’t have to make a real commitment to the women that they are playing around with. It’s just another con game. They string women along with the “promise” that they will get a divorce as soon as it is possible. The thing is, getting a divorce never becomes possible.
Just a side thought here for the ladies reading this. Ladies, don’t think that you can change him. If he is cheating on his wife, the only reason he will leave her is that she finally catches on and leaves him. Then he may come to you. But, if he does, beware because he will probably do the same to you: Cheat on you and try to control you. That’s his nature. You can’t change it. There is an old Oscar Brown, Jr. song called “The Snake.” It is about a woman on her way to work on a winter morning. She is walking through the park on her way to the bus stop when she comes across a half frozen, almost dead snake. She feels sorry for the snake. She takes him home and nurses him back to health. Every day she rushes home from work to see how the snake is doing. One day she comes home to find the snake all laid back in the easy chair listening to some soft jazz and sipping some lemonade. She is so glad to see that the snake is well. She picks him up and hugs him close and tells him how happy she is. Just then, the snake opens his mouth and bites her. She screams at the snake and asks him how he could treat her this way after all she has done for him. “You know your bite is poisonous and I will surely die,” she says. “Oh, shut up silly woman,” the snake said with a grin. “You knew darn well I was a snake before you took me in!”
Now back to the story. As men, we are called to do much more than just saying we are a husband. We are called to be a husband. We are called, if you will, to live up to the job description and not just live on the title. When the Bible tells us to become one flesh with our wives and to love our wives as Jesus loved the church, those are not suggestions. Those are commands. Those are standards that are set for us. Those are God’s expectations of us. Paul, Peter, John and others recognized the call of God on their lives. They expressed that calling through their love for God and through their actions in serving Him. As men, we are to recognize the call of God on our lives as husbands. And, likewise, we express that calling through our actions by loving God and our wives and by serving both. As leader of the church, Jesus said that He did not come to be served, but rather, to serve. We are to follow His example. This serving is done out of love, not out of duty. You simply do it because you love your wife enough to do it.
Being a husband should mean something to you. It should define who you are. Other than your relationship with God, your marriage is the most important relationship that you have. Treat it that way. Don’t just claim to be a husband. BE A HUSBAND. Being a husband is like anything else that you do. It is a process. You grow into it. You continually tweak it. But, first, you have to have the desire to be it. If you have ever played a sport or a game that you really liked, you trained and practiced until you became better at it. The more you trained, the better you became. Being a better husband is no different. Put in the time, the effort, the desire and you will become better. There is no one set pattern for all men to follow because all men do not think alike. So, whatever it takes for you to be a better husband, as the gospel of Nike says, “Just Do It!” God is good. While He sees us and loves us corporately, He also sees us and loves us as individuals. So, He will work with you and in you to do what is necessary for Him to work through you. Ultimately, it is Him working through you that will make you the best husband that you can be. As husbands, we just have to follow His lead.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
The Life I Write About
There is an old B.B. King song that says, "I want to live the life that I sing about in my song." I have always loved that thought because I want to live the life that I write about in my poetry, articles and music. So far, the Lord has blessed me to do just that. I have had a great life. Every father wants his children to have a better life than he had. I want the same for my children. I know that they will eventually have more money than me. I never made a lot of money. I know that they will have nicer houses than I do. I have a nice house but, I know that theirs will be nicer at some point. They will definitely own more things than I do. But, I'm not sure that it is possible for them to have a better life than I have had. I hope that they have as good of a life as I have. When I think about it, I have done everything that was important to me so far. From 4 years old, I wanted to be a musician and entertainer. I did that for over 20 years. I wanted to travel. I have done that and still have borders to cross. I wanted a wife that I could truly love and grow old with loving as deeply a possible. I have a wife that is forever young and has continued to love an old dude like me just as I love her for over 30 years. I have a son, daughter and granddaughter that I love and they return to me the love that I have for them. I wanted a relationship with God, a strong loving relationship with Him. I have that. My love for the Lord eventually led me to wanting to go into ministry. I am doing that. So, I have all that is important to me in life so far.
Being aware of what is important in life is a top priority for anyone. In marriage, this awareness is particularly important. The job, the career, the education, the house…all of that is important. But, the relationship is of supreme importance if you want a good or great marriage. With my wife and me, everything flows out of our relationship with God. It is through our relationship with Him that we relate to one another. As we get closer to Him, we get closer to each other.
In these articles, I am not trying to write a bunch of "how to" essays. I don't want to present "Marriage in 12 Easy Steps", "The 1, 2, 3's of Marriage" or "The ABC'S of Marriage." I am just trying to challenge you to think differently about your marriage. I want you to recognize what a wonderful opportunity you have to do something really special in the sharing of your life with another person. In living the life that I write about, I have grown to love both God and my wife more than I ever dreamed possible. I think this combination is the greatest gift parents can give to their children. When your children see you living a life of love for God and living a life of love for each other, that is a great gift. They know that it is possible to stay faithful to God and they know that a happy marriage is possible. It gives them a high standard to aspire to. It gives them hope. And, they most probably won't settle for just anything just to be married. My hope and prayer is that my children can find as much joy and contentment in both God and marriage as I have.
I truly hate the high divorce rate that we have now. And, just as much, I hate the mediocrity that has crept into marriages these days. I hate the idea that people have settled for this with the frame of mind that there is nothing they can do about it. Young people are afraid to get married these days because of the lousy marriages that they see around them. Older married people feel trapped in poor relationships with no way out. I am writing these blogs with the hope that someone will be inspired and encouraged by the fact that there are good and indeed great marriages out here. I am hoping that no matter how long you have been married you will want to make it better. If it is bad, make it good. If it is good, make it great. Do what ever it takes to fix what ever is wrong. That may mean counseling. It will definitely mean praying. And in the end, it will take change. And the change has to be in you.
Start writing and living your own love song or poem. Become the husband, become the wife that you need to be to take your marriage to the next level. Fall in love with one another all over again and write a new love song for your lives together. Again, this is just a couple of thoughts as to why I am writing these blogs. I love a good marriage. When my daughter asked me to publish this series of blogs, my only wishes were that someone would learn to love God more and someone would learn to love his or her spouse more. I hope that is happening.
Being aware of what is important in life is a top priority for anyone. In marriage, this awareness is particularly important. The job, the career, the education, the house…all of that is important. But, the relationship is of supreme importance if you want a good or great marriage. With my wife and me, everything flows out of our relationship with God. It is through our relationship with Him that we relate to one another. As we get closer to Him, we get closer to each other.
In these articles, I am not trying to write a bunch of "how to" essays. I don't want to present "Marriage in 12 Easy Steps", "The 1, 2, 3's of Marriage" or "The ABC'S of Marriage." I am just trying to challenge you to think differently about your marriage. I want you to recognize what a wonderful opportunity you have to do something really special in the sharing of your life with another person. In living the life that I write about, I have grown to love both God and my wife more than I ever dreamed possible. I think this combination is the greatest gift parents can give to their children. When your children see you living a life of love for God and living a life of love for each other, that is a great gift. They know that it is possible to stay faithful to God and they know that a happy marriage is possible. It gives them a high standard to aspire to. It gives them hope. And, they most probably won't settle for just anything just to be married. My hope and prayer is that my children can find as much joy and contentment in both God and marriage as I have.
I truly hate the high divorce rate that we have now. And, just as much, I hate the mediocrity that has crept into marriages these days. I hate the idea that people have settled for this with the frame of mind that there is nothing they can do about it. Young people are afraid to get married these days because of the lousy marriages that they see around them. Older married people feel trapped in poor relationships with no way out. I am writing these blogs with the hope that someone will be inspired and encouraged by the fact that there are good and indeed great marriages out here. I am hoping that no matter how long you have been married you will want to make it better. If it is bad, make it good. If it is good, make it great. Do what ever it takes to fix what ever is wrong. That may mean counseling. It will definitely mean praying. And in the end, it will take change. And the change has to be in you.
Start writing and living your own love song or poem. Become the husband, become the wife that you need to be to take your marriage to the next level. Fall in love with one another all over again and write a new love song for your lives together. Again, this is just a couple of thoughts as to why I am writing these blogs. I love a good marriage. When my daughter asked me to publish this series of blogs, my only wishes were that someone would learn to love God more and someone would learn to love his or her spouse more. I hope that is happening.
Monday, May 7, 2007
A Couple of Thoughts on Men
These are just some random thoughts about how men view women.
"…man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." (1Sam. 16:7)
Some men are "leg" men. Some men are "breast" men. Some are "butt" men. A lot of men are very good at seeing the female form. They can appreciate it in all aspects. They have their likes and dislikes about the physical features of a female. They judge a woman's worth based on her form and how much she meets their criteria for physical beauty. They can see the female but, they cannot see the woman inside the female. While they can easily see and appreciate the outer beauty of the female (which will fade over time), they have no idea of how to see and appreciate the beauty of the woman inside the female (which continues to grow over time). When a man can look past a woman's breasts and look into her eyes, that is great. When a man can look past a woman's eyes and look into her soul, it's even greater. That means that he is paying attention to her. That means that he is truly trying to see her for who she is and not just for how she looks. If a man only or mainly knows her by her physical attributes and marries her, the marriage is doomed to mediocrity or failure if he doesn't get to really know the woman within. She will know if his love for her is mainly based on how she looks. That won't be enough for either of them in a very short while. After all, how long can a conversation last about physical beauty? Once you have said it, "You're beautiful", how many more times can you say it during the course of a day? It gets old quick. A man's wife should always feel beautiful when he looks at her. It doesn't matter that she has gained a couple of pounds, or has become gray or what ever the current condition is.
Yes, physical looks are important. We (man or woman) shouldn't allow ourselves to get sloppy in our appearance. But, for true lasting romantic love in marriage, it has to go way beyond the looks. The Bible tells men to love their wives in knowledge. That doesn't mean ignoring her looks, but, it does mean knowing the woman beyond the looks. Get to know the woman inside of the female. Know that person's beauty. Make that person feel beautiful. The rewards for both you and your wife will be great.
"For as he thinks in his heart, so he is." (Prov. 23:7)
My daughter once told me that a man told her that she would make a good politician's wife. I wondered if he also thought that he would make a good poet's husband? Was he even aware that she is a poet? If so, did he expect her to stop being a poet to accommodate his needs? So often, some men tend to think of their wives as accessories to their careers. You put on your pants, your socks and shoes, your shirt and tie, your jacket with a handkerchief in the breast pocket. And, oh yes, you put on your wife. No wife wants to feel on par with a neck tie. I told my daughter that if she were to marry this man or anyone else, she is not marrying a politician, she is marrying a husband. If he doesn't understand the difference, then he will never be a husband until he does understand. A simple fact is, in order to be a husband, you have to first think like a husband. You can't be a successful husband and still think like a single man. It won't work. You are not single anymore. If you want to think single, stay single. But, if you get married, you have to think married. Your wife has to be someone to you more than an asset to your career. You are not a politician, pastor or lawyer at home. You are a husband. That means that you have to be concerned about your wife's concerns.
Some people say that when they get married, they are not going to change. They plan to keep on doing whatever they were doing before they got married. I tell them not to get married. They will just mess up someone's life for no reason. They are already planning for failure. Why bring someone else into that mess? When you say that you are getting married, you are saying by default that you want to change your life. That is why you are getting married. It is not that you have to stop being you. It's just that when you get married, you become a new you. You have to take time to get to know and develop that new you. You have to learn to think differently. You have to learn to think like a husband. Then you will treat your wife like a wife and not like an accessory.
"…man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." (1Sam. 16:7)
Some men are "leg" men. Some men are "breast" men. Some are "butt" men. A lot of men are very good at seeing the female form. They can appreciate it in all aspects. They have their likes and dislikes about the physical features of a female. They judge a woman's worth based on her form and how much she meets their criteria for physical beauty. They can see the female but, they cannot see the woman inside the female. While they can easily see and appreciate the outer beauty of the female (which will fade over time), they have no idea of how to see and appreciate the beauty of the woman inside the female (which continues to grow over time). When a man can look past a woman's breasts and look into her eyes, that is great. When a man can look past a woman's eyes and look into her soul, it's even greater. That means that he is paying attention to her. That means that he is truly trying to see her for who she is and not just for how she looks. If a man only or mainly knows her by her physical attributes and marries her, the marriage is doomed to mediocrity or failure if he doesn't get to really know the woman within. She will know if his love for her is mainly based on how she looks. That won't be enough for either of them in a very short while. After all, how long can a conversation last about physical beauty? Once you have said it, "You're beautiful", how many more times can you say it during the course of a day? It gets old quick. A man's wife should always feel beautiful when he looks at her. It doesn't matter that she has gained a couple of pounds, or has become gray or what ever the current condition is.
Yes, physical looks are important. We (man or woman) shouldn't allow ourselves to get sloppy in our appearance. But, for true lasting romantic love in marriage, it has to go way beyond the looks. The Bible tells men to love their wives in knowledge. That doesn't mean ignoring her looks, but, it does mean knowing the woman beyond the looks. Get to know the woman inside of the female. Know that person's beauty. Make that person feel beautiful. The rewards for both you and your wife will be great.
"For as he thinks in his heart, so he is." (Prov. 23:7)
My daughter once told me that a man told her that she would make a good politician's wife. I wondered if he also thought that he would make a good poet's husband? Was he even aware that she is a poet? If so, did he expect her to stop being a poet to accommodate his needs? So often, some men tend to think of their wives as accessories to their careers. You put on your pants, your socks and shoes, your shirt and tie, your jacket with a handkerchief in the breast pocket. And, oh yes, you put on your wife. No wife wants to feel on par with a neck tie. I told my daughter that if she were to marry this man or anyone else, she is not marrying a politician, she is marrying a husband. If he doesn't understand the difference, then he will never be a husband until he does understand. A simple fact is, in order to be a husband, you have to first think like a husband. You can't be a successful husband and still think like a single man. It won't work. You are not single anymore. If you want to think single, stay single. But, if you get married, you have to think married. Your wife has to be someone to you more than an asset to your career. You are not a politician, pastor or lawyer at home. You are a husband. That means that you have to be concerned about your wife's concerns.
Some people say that when they get married, they are not going to change. They plan to keep on doing whatever they were doing before they got married. I tell them not to get married. They will just mess up someone's life for no reason. They are already planning for failure. Why bring someone else into that mess? When you say that you are getting married, you are saying by default that you want to change your life. That is why you are getting married. It is not that you have to stop being you. It's just that when you get married, you become a new you. You have to take time to get to know and develop that new you. You have to learn to think differently. You have to learn to think like a husband. Then you will treat your wife like a wife and not like an accessory.
Oops...My Bad!
Ever since I have been a Christian, I have heard people ask some form of this question: "If God is so good, then how can He allow so much evil in the world?" When people ask that question, they seem not to be aware that the answer is in the question itself. "How can God allow...(whatever)?" God allows it. He doesn't cause it. He gave us a free will to choose to love Him or to choose not to love Him. He gave us a free will to choose to do the right thing or to choose not to do the right thing. God tells us to feed the hungry. We choose to throw it into the ocean in order to control prices. He tells us to walk in peace and we choose to make war. He tells us to love and we choose to hate. We make choices and then we blame God for the consequences of our choices. If God forced us to love, then it would not truly be love and we would, no doubt, rebel against Him for taking away our freedom of choice. If we want freedom of choice, we have to be able to accept the responsibility of the consequences of our choices and stop blaming God.
We tend to do the same thing in marriage. We make statements like, "YOU made me mad." "YOU made me cheat." "YOU made me hit you." "YOU made me…!" We do something wrong and we want to blame our spouses for our actions. "I wouldn't have done this to you if you hadn't done that." It is an amazing fete of con artistry. You do or say something hurtful to your spouse and then present yourself as the victim. "It's YOUR fault that I hurt you!" Just as we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning God, we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning our spouses. It's a way of controlling the marriage. If you can con your spouse into apologizing for putting you in a position to hurt her (him), then you are always in control. No matter what you do (wrong), you are not to blame. The truly amazing thing is how many people buy into that stuff. They feel guilty because they "forced" their spouses to hurt them.
It is way past time for people to grow up and accept responsibility for their own actions in their marriage. If you hurt your spouse, it is your fault. If you never accept responsibility for your actions, then you can never change your actions. Just as people know the right thing to do in society at large and choose not to do it, the same is true in marriage. You know the right thing to do and don't. You know if you are lying. You know if what you are saying is hurtful. You know if you are cheating. You know. Yet, you choose not to do the right thing. Greed, pride and selfishness cause people to misuse others in society. These are reasons that countries invade other countries, companies overcharge and under service, and the hungry and sickly are not given any attention. These are also some primary reasons that marriages fail. Greed, pride and selfishness brought into the marriage will kill it every time.
I know that with all of the delicate sensibilities of peoples' psyches, this is not as simple as I am making it sound. There are all sorts of variables in relationships that bring about a lot of actions and reactions. Peoples' lives are complicated. Relationships are complicated. But, the fact remains: you know when you purposely hurt someone. You know when you purposely wrong someone. Greed, pride and selfishness will make you blame your victim for your actions. In a marriage, this spells “Doom”. Change starts with admitting that you are wrong. But, it doesn't stop there. Just admitting that you are wrong and not changing anything is just another con game. If you don't change, what good does it do to admit guilt? Your spouse already knows that you are wrong so you're not telling him (her) anything new. What your wife or husband wants to know is how you are going to change your actions. This is not about going to "confession" to get it off your chest. It is not about "cleansing your soul" by telling the truth. It is about making positive change in your life to be a better husband, a better wife. It is about stopping the con game, not adding to it. Admitting that you are wrong and not changing is like putting on a pot of boiling water. You get a whole lot of action, but in the end, all you have is a pot full of hot steam.
Jesus said, "If you love Me, obey My commandments." James said, "Faith without works is dead." In others words, put some actions behind your words. "I was wrong" requires an "I will do right." "I will do right" requires accompanying right actions.
I often hear the old "I know I was wrong, BUT…" stories. "I know I was wrong but she did…" "I know I was wrong, but, if he only would have…" You do wrong in response to what your spouse did. The thing is, you can't help what your spouse did or said, but you can control your reactions to it. You are still in control of you. You can still make right choices. I'm not saying that it is always easy to make the right choice. But, it is always better to make the right choice.
Marriage is a fragile matter in the beginning years. There are habits that both parties have to change in order to make the relationship work at it highest level. Blaming your spouse for what you do wrong is one of the main things that needs to change as soon as possible. Once you start blaming, it gets easier and easier to do it. You get hung up on the control it gives you and you even start to believe your own press about you being the "real victim". When you reach that point, you are not only deceiving your spouse, you are deceiving yourself just as we deceive ourselves when we blame God for what we do. While you are living in this self-deceived state, it becomes easier to hurt your spouse. After all, it's really not your fault. She (he) made you do it. If you don't change, your marriage will be, at best, mediocre for you, painful for your spouse, and will probably end in divorce. "Oops!...My Bad" without change is a waste of good breath. A good marriage requires a change of bad habits. How much are you willing to change?
We tend to do the same thing in marriage. We make statements like, "YOU made me mad." "YOU made me cheat." "YOU made me hit you." "YOU made me…!" We do something wrong and we want to blame our spouses for our actions. "I wouldn't have done this to you if you hadn't done that." It is an amazing fete of con artistry. You do or say something hurtful to your spouse and then present yourself as the victim. "It's YOUR fault that I hurt you!" Just as we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning God, we try to absolve ourselves of our folly by blaming and questioning our spouses. It's a way of controlling the marriage. If you can con your spouse into apologizing for putting you in a position to hurt her (him), then you are always in control. No matter what you do (wrong), you are not to blame. The truly amazing thing is how many people buy into that stuff. They feel guilty because they "forced" their spouses to hurt them.
It is way past time for people to grow up and accept responsibility for their own actions in their marriage. If you hurt your spouse, it is your fault. If you never accept responsibility for your actions, then you can never change your actions. Just as people know the right thing to do in society at large and choose not to do it, the same is true in marriage. You know the right thing to do and don't. You know if you are lying. You know if what you are saying is hurtful. You know if you are cheating. You know. Yet, you choose not to do the right thing. Greed, pride and selfishness cause people to misuse others in society. These are reasons that countries invade other countries, companies overcharge and under service, and the hungry and sickly are not given any attention. These are also some primary reasons that marriages fail. Greed, pride and selfishness brought into the marriage will kill it every time.
I know that with all of the delicate sensibilities of peoples' psyches, this is not as simple as I am making it sound. There are all sorts of variables in relationships that bring about a lot of actions and reactions. Peoples' lives are complicated. Relationships are complicated. But, the fact remains: you know when you purposely hurt someone. You know when you purposely wrong someone. Greed, pride and selfishness will make you blame your victim for your actions. In a marriage, this spells “Doom”. Change starts with admitting that you are wrong. But, it doesn't stop there. Just admitting that you are wrong and not changing anything is just another con game. If you don't change, what good does it do to admit guilt? Your spouse already knows that you are wrong so you're not telling him (her) anything new. What your wife or husband wants to know is how you are going to change your actions. This is not about going to "confession" to get it off your chest. It is not about "cleansing your soul" by telling the truth. It is about making positive change in your life to be a better husband, a better wife. It is about stopping the con game, not adding to it. Admitting that you are wrong and not changing is like putting on a pot of boiling water. You get a whole lot of action, but in the end, all you have is a pot full of hot steam.
Jesus said, "If you love Me, obey My commandments." James said, "Faith without works is dead." In others words, put some actions behind your words. "I was wrong" requires an "I will do right." "I will do right" requires accompanying right actions.
I often hear the old "I know I was wrong, BUT…" stories. "I know I was wrong but she did…" "I know I was wrong, but, if he only would have…" You do wrong in response to what your spouse did. The thing is, you can't help what your spouse did or said, but you can control your reactions to it. You are still in control of you. You can still make right choices. I'm not saying that it is always easy to make the right choice. But, it is always better to make the right choice.
Marriage is a fragile matter in the beginning years. There are habits that both parties have to change in order to make the relationship work at it highest level. Blaming your spouse for what you do wrong is one of the main things that needs to change as soon as possible. Once you start blaming, it gets easier and easier to do it. You get hung up on the control it gives you and you even start to believe your own press about you being the "real victim". When you reach that point, you are not only deceiving your spouse, you are deceiving yourself just as we deceive ourselves when we blame God for what we do. While you are living in this self-deceived state, it becomes easier to hurt your spouse. After all, it's really not your fault. She (he) made you do it. If you don't change, your marriage will be, at best, mediocre for you, painful for your spouse, and will probably end in divorce. "Oops!...My Bad" without change is a waste of good breath. A good marriage requires a change of bad habits. How much are you willing to change?
Monday, April 30, 2007
But, What About The Pain?
HER TEARS FELL
By Charles H. Perkins
So much love to give
such a long time since
she had given it.
He was gone…
and she was fine being alone
until her aloneness turned to loneliness.
Then…Her tears fell…
How often had she thought,
“If there were only someone…”
But, there was no one…
There was no one.
Alone…Her tears fell.
When there was love, there were no tears.
But, love had fluttered out her life
on the wings of a butterfly
leaving from it’s resting place
in her heart.
No more love…Her tears fell.
Tears washing away the dust
from yesterday’s memories.
Tears Dissolving cobwebs from the innocence
that once flowed freely
through her spirit when she had loved.
She saw life as an outlaw
stealing her love
and taking the knife of nothingness
to pierce her spirit
so that happiness
slowly oozed from the wound
and fell in drops of crushed emotions
at her feet.
A wounded spirit…Her tears fell.
Although, at the end,
it had been bitter,
she remembered only
the tender moments they shared…
all the love they made…
the good times.
Now, the good times were gone.
He was gone.
So…Her tears fell.
Tomorrow would come…
Her tears would be dry…
Her wounded spirit healed…
But, right now, being alone
and being lonely…
Her tears fell.
c. 1970
Some break-ups can be funny. Most are not. Most break-ups are painful. There are the obvious painful break-ups that result from abuse, adultery, drugs and alcohol.
Sometimes it is not quite so clear as to why the break-up occurs, although you can see the relationship coming to an end. The feelings are fading. The desire is fading. The interest is fading. And so on…Until finally, the relationship fades. There may not even be any harsh words or attitudes. Just the reality that it is over. And then, the pain starts. Pain that comes from a feeling of failure and disappointment. Pain of a lost love that could have been, but is helpless to be. You both want to stop it and go on with a life together, but you don't know how, so, you break up. The lost is painful and it is a pain that has built up over time.
Then there is the sudden break up. The break up that is not expected. You think that everything is cool and then one party decides to end it just like that. And, to top matters off, he or she has no real explanation as to why they want to end it. They come up with some sort of excuse, but, no real reason. The pain is sudden and sharp because you are not prepared for it.
There are all kinds of break-ups. If you live long enough, you will probably experience one if you haven't already. But, after the acceptance of it, after deciding to go on with your life, after all is said and done, what about the pain?
In most cases, there will be pain. It hurts to lose someone that you love. Well meaning friends and relatives will tell you not to worry. They will tell you that everything will be alright. They will tell you that you will get over him (her). It will sound like noise to you, but you listen anyway because you realize that they mean well and that they don't know what else to say. Even though you don't want to hear it, they are right. Worrying never solved anything. It only makes it worse. And, at some point, you will get over it. When that point is depends on you.
Things such as acceptance and forgiveness speed up the process of getting over the pain. But, TIME is the main healer of a broken heart. After the acceptance and forgiveness (both are necessary), you begin to take control over life again. Each day, you gain small victories in the healing process. Just when you are sure that you have gotten over it, something happens to spur a memory, a feeling and the pain hits you again. Don't worry. You are not having a relapse. If you loved someone, it is only natural that the pain of the break-up will reoccur from time to time. But, in time, it will reoccur less and less. Then, eventually, not at all. You will be able to see the person without any pain, anger, disappointment or feelings of loss. Eventually, you will get past all of the pain. It may not seem like it at the time, but you will.
I personally don't care for pity parties. When I hurt, I look for things to cheer me up. I don't need people telling me how bad things are. I already know that. But, if you feel you need a pity party to vent, get together with a couple of good friends, have a good community crying session one or two times then start your healing process. You can't continue to have folks around you telling you how no good he was and how she did you wrong. You already know all of that. The longer you keep up a pity party, the longer you will stay in the same place emotionally. Things that stay in the same place tend to stagnate. At some point, you have to decide to live again. You have to decide to stop being somebody's "ex" and start being the new you. Pain is much easier to deal with when you are in control of your life. You are in control when you decide to take control. God gave you a mind and a free will. Use them to set yourself free. Yes, it will take time. But, the amount of time depends on you.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
The Missing Link
You have either heard it or said it before. It goes something like this: “We need to talk.” Or, “Let’s talk.” It’s either one of those two phrases or something that means talking about it. It’s been drilled into you over and over that in order to have a great or even good relationship you have to deal with the “C” word: COMMUNICATION!!! And, in truth, communication is very important. You have to learn how to talk to one another. When to talk to one another. Where to talk to one another. Talking out small things helps to keep them from turning into big things.
It is common to hear someone complain about their marriage saying, “We just don’t talk anymore.” It is at this point where they usually say that they have “grown apart.” In order to fix the situation, they feel that they need to communicate. And they probably do. The thing is, communication by itself often doesn’t help. I have seen people communicate perfectly. They are in total agreement. They communicate and agree with each other right to divorce court. They are in total communication and complete agreement that they no longer want to be together. So, lack of communication was not the problem. What they communicated about was the problem. Communication alone was the problem.
What they needed more than communication was the re-establishment of CONNECTION. Jesus told the loveless church in Rev. 2:5 to remember from where they had fallen, to repent and to repeat their first works. That is a great principle to use here. Use the three R’s: Remember, Repent and Repeat. To rebuild that connection you first need to remember how it used to be. Remember the intimacy, the touch, the feelings, the concern that made you want to be together in the first place. Remember the point in your wedding ceremony when you first truly realized that this is my wife, this is my husband. Remember that feeling of anticipation. Remember how you could not wait to be in her presence, how you couldn’t wait for his call. Get all of the business of your career, your education, your job title, your degree, the house, the bills and everything else out of your minds and just remember each other. Reconnection starts in the mind…REMEMBER!!!
REPENT!!! If what you are doing is not working, stop doing it. To repent means to do a 180 degree turn from the direction that you are going in. Look at what you are doing with each other that is not working, stop it and start to do something else. You know if you are contributing to the relationship or not. You know if you are being loving or not. Whatever YOU are doing to hurt the relationship, stop it. Stop the hurtful language in talking to one another; stop the cold silences; stop the nagging, complaining and criticizing (even helpful criticism).
Remember, repent and REPEAT. Repeat your first works of love toward each other. Repeat the walks, the drives, the dinner dates. Most of all, repeat the feelings, how you think of each other, how you treat each other. Then, create new memories to repeat. Fall in love again. Like I always say, this is a decision of choice, not merely of feelings. You have to decide to love each other all over again. You have to decide to have a great, life long love affair with each other. You have to decide to make your marriage special. And you have to make those choices and those decisions every day. Today is the day that you have. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn’t come yet. So, decide today to love one another…then do it.
Communication by itself doesn’t necessarily lead to a better marriage relationship. But, communication out the context of connection does. Quite often, connection is the missing link. Reconnect to God. Reconnect to each other. Reconnect to love. Reconnect today.
Monday, April 23, 2007
What's My Name?
When Cassious Clay first changed his name to Muhammad Ali, he fought a fighter named Ernie Terrell. Terrell refused to call Clay Muhammad Ali. So, when they fought and Ali had the fight well in hand, he began to taunt Terrell. Every time he would hit Ernie, he would yell out “What’s my name!” Whap!!! “What’s my name!!!?” Whap!!! Whap!!! “WHAT’S MY NAME!!!?” Terrell finally got his name right. What’s your name? In her twenty eight years of being alive, my daughter, Maisha, has never heard me call her mother out of her name. No matter how much we disagreed or argued over a situation, I never called her out of her name.
We named our daughter Maisha. We did not name her bitch, ‘ho, or whore. We did not name her any other derogatory name. We named her Maisha. I have always told her not to accept being called out of her name by any one. I don’t care if it is in today’s music or even if it has become an acceptable part of today’s cultural environment, to call a woman a bitch or ‘ho is total disrespect. No race, no family, no couple can grow strong if there is not respect for the woman.
“Lady” is a nickname that I have always had for my daughter. When she was about 12 or 13, she asked me one day, “Why do you always call me ‘Lady’?” I told her it was because I wanted her to remember that is what she is, to always act like one and to never let any boy treat her less than a lady. A real man will always treat a woman with respect . I told her that she doesn’t ever have to settle for anything in a relationship less than a real man. He can use his most romantic “Barry White” voice to say “You’re my bitch.” When he says that, it’s time to step. If he says it, he’s thinking it. If he’s thinking it, eventually he will treat you that way because if you stay, you are by your actions saying that it is okay for him to treat you that way. It’s a pimp mentality. He will treat you sweet and disrespect you at the same time. It is a means of control. STEP as fast as you can because you have a BOY with a pimp’s mind who will use you up and move on to the next woman who is weak enough to let him in. Don’t think he is going to change. If you accepted him that way, why should he? What’s even worse is when you come to the point to where you accept yourself as a bitch or a ‘ho.
I have heard all of the excuses (there are no real reasons) for this type of language directed at women. The main one seems to be that this is just the language of the streets today. No harm is meant. Well, it really doesn’t matter what’s meant. What matters is what happens. What matters is what the effects are. When you have 6 and 7 year old boys thinking it’s alright to call girls ‘ho’s, there is harm. When you have young girls giggling when some stupid boy calls her a bitch, there is harm. When the degradation of women becomes acceptable, there is harm. When a man loses the ability to love a woman because he thinks of all women as bitches and ‘ho’s , there is harm. When a woman has no respect for her self and thinks she is unworthy of true love, there is harm.
I was a member of the Watt’s Writer’s Workshop back in the ‘70’s. I remember when the men in the workshop along with other poets from both the West coast and the East coast had a meeting and declared that it was time to stop disrespecting our women in the writing. It was time to start uplifting them in every way that we could. It happened then with just a decision to do it. The same thing can happen now with just a decision to do it.
What I said to my daughter, I say to all women: Never let a man define you into something less than what you are. I should say a boy because a man would not do that to begin with. There is so much yet to be said in this area to both men and women. I can’t say it all here. But, I can say to you, Respect yourself. Respect others. Expect to be respected by others. Don’t stay in a disrespectful relationship. If God loved you enough to die for you, how can you love yourself any less? If God thought you were precious enough to die for you, how can you stay in a relationship with a man who thinks of you as a bitch? Hold yourself to a higher standard in life than the current culture demands. Remember, culture is just what you do. Maybe it is time to start doing something else.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Tit For Tat
Love is often treated like a child’s game. We wait to see what the other person is going to do and then we react. We only show love when it is shown to us first. And, we try to measure it out to make sure that we only give as much as we got and not a drop more. To top it off, we are surprised when, after a period of time, our love hasn’t grown. It has, in fact, become stagnant. That’s the way it is with tit for tat love. By waiting, you wait yourself into mediocrity.
I had to look at God’s love for me in order to learn how to truly love my wife. God doesn’t love me because…He doesn’t love me if…He doesn’t love me although…He just loves me. Jesus didn’t die for me because I deserved it. He died for me because He loved me. He loved me by choice not by response. I am told to love my wife as Christ loves the Church.
As I started putting all of this together, I found a whole new freedom in loving my wife. If I love her as God loves me, then it is not dependent on what she does. She did not do anything to earn my love so she can’t do anything to lose it. I love her by choice. That means that I can love her as deeply as I want to. And I have found that there are no limits to the depth of my love for her. Once I started loving her freely, my love continues to grow deeper and deeper as time goes on. I am really looking forward to exploring depths of love that I haven’t even imagined yet. Loving her in this way, by choice, means also that she doesn’t have to continually prove her love for me. She is free to love me freely and without strings. In other words, she is not compelled to stay with me. She is here because she wants to be and so am I.
Like I said, it’s not tit for tat love. I don’t wait for her to show me love before I show her love. I just love her. If we both freely give, we both receive. Jesus died for me without any guarantee of me responding to His love. I had to learn to love my wife without any guarantee of her responding to my love. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church is the command. That is how Christ loves the Church: Freely. That’s how I love my wife.
In that freedom, I am free to be faithful to my wife. I am not compelled to cheat. I am free to desire her as much as I want to (And that’s a whole bunch). I want her to always feel beautiful because I am looking at her. I want her to always see desire for her in MY eyes. When I gaze at her, I want her to know that she still has it. And from my gaze I want her to know that I still want it.
I can’t determine how much or even how she loves me. That’s up to her. I can only control how much and how I love her. I can only do my part and she can only do hers. In this freedom of love, we are free to forgive some things. We are free to work through some things. We are free to build a life together… to grow together… to become one together. To continue to love each other as deeply as possible is our choice. What is yours?
I had to look at God’s love for me in order to learn how to truly love my wife. God doesn’t love me because…He doesn’t love me if…He doesn’t love me although…He just loves me. Jesus didn’t die for me because I deserved it. He died for me because He loved me. He loved me by choice not by response. I am told to love my wife as Christ loves the Church.
As I started putting all of this together, I found a whole new freedom in loving my wife. If I love her as God loves me, then it is not dependent on what she does. She did not do anything to earn my love so she can’t do anything to lose it. I love her by choice. That means that I can love her as deeply as I want to. And I have found that there are no limits to the depth of my love for her. Once I started loving her freely, my love continues to grow deeper and deeper as time goes on. I am really looking forward to exploring depths of love that I haven’t even imagined yet. Loving her in this way, by choice, means also that she doesn’t have to continually prove her love for me. She is free to love me freely and without strings. In other words, she is not compelled to stay with me. She is here because she wants to be and so am I.
Like I said, it’s not tit for tat love. I don’t wait for her to show me love before I show her love. I just love her. If we both freely give, we both receive. Jesus died for me without any guarantee of me responding to His love. I had to learn to love my wife without any guarantee of her responding to my love. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church is the command. That is how Christ loves the Church: Freely. That’s how I love my wife.
In that freedom, I am free to be faithful to my wife. I am not compelled to cheat. I am free to desire her as much as I want to (And that’s a whole bunch). I want her to always feel beautiful because I am looking at her. I want her to always see desire for her in MY eyes. When I gaze at her, I want her to know that she still has it. And from my gaze I want her to know that I still want it.
I can’t determine how much or even how she loves me. That’s up to her. I can only control how much and how I love her. I can only do my part and she can only do hers. In this freedom of love, we are free to forgive some things. We are free to work through some things. We are free to build a life together… to grow together… to become one together. To continue to love each other as deeply as possible is our choice. What is yours?
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The Pot Luck, The Rose, And The Weed
A “pot luck” meal is usually a joyous occasion। Friends and family come together and everyone brings a dish. The thing that makes a pot luck so great is that everyone tends to bring their best dishes. You bring your best dish because you want people to enjoy it. You want people to be pleased. You want people to go home talking about how good your dish was. Everyone brings something to the table and everyone shares. No one leaves hungry. No one leaves unsatisfied. Everyone comes with the intention of feeding everyone else. So, everyone eats. Just think, if everyone only came to eat for themselves, then no one would be fed. Everyone would leave hungry.
Most people tend to come into marriage this way। They come in hungry only looking to see what’s good for them to eat. When they think about marriage, they only think about what they want their spouse to bring to the table. They think about what would “make me happy.” “What would please me?” “I want a husband who…” “I want a wife that…” “If my husband would only…” “If my wife would just…” Obviously, if you are only thinking about having your own appetite satisfied, then ultimately, no one will be truly fed. When ever I ask young couples what they want out of marriage, they always tell me what they expect their spouses to do. I always ask them what they expect to bring to the table. What do they plan to serve their spouses? You want a happy marriage? What are you going to do to make it that way? Pot luck principal: If everybody brings something to the table, then everybody eats. You have to go into marriage expecting to feed the other person.
As in a pot luck meal, everybody can’t cook as well as others. It takes time to learn how to prepare a proper meal. It also takes a desire to learn how to cook. Sometimes, you will be the only one doing the cooking. Sometimes your spouse will. That’s life. But, it all balances out over time. The thing is, just as in a pot luck meal, marriage is about giving your best. Bring something to the table.
A rose is a beautiful flower. It looks good to the eye. It feels good to the touch. It smells good to the nostrils. But, a rose is fragile. If you don’t water it just enough, it withers. If it doesn’t get enough sunshine, it withers. If the soil is not just right, it withers. It takes a lot of time and energy to keep a beautiful rose garden. But, in the end, the result is worth it. The same can be said for a beautiful marriage. The time and energy put into it is worth the results.
Another view of this pampering of the rose is found in comparing its fragile nature to a weed। A weed doesn’t need watering or just the right amount of sunshine or even the proper soil. It keeps growing no matter what you do to it or what you don’t do for it. You can dig it up…It comes back. You can poison it…It comes back. You can step on it…It comes back. A weed doesn’t give up. It refuses to die. Sometimes I think we need more “weed” marriages and fewer rose marriages. In most marriages today, like the rose, we are ready to give up at the slightest provocation. One of the silliest reasons is the “We have grown apart” excuse. Be like a weed, fight for your relationship!!! Weeds don’t give up. Like a rose, a marriage is fragile, beautiful and precious. Like a weed, it also has to be tough and unyielding to defeat.
A rose is beautiful. If you reach out to the top of it, you touch a beautiful, fragrant flower…A joy to the touch, the eye and the smell. But, if you reach just a little lower, you grab a hand full of thorns. That’s the way it is in marriages. If you reach for the highest point in each other, you touch the beauty. But, if you reach lower, again, you grab a hand full of thorns. The only way to reach the highest point in your spouse is to give the highest point in yourself. As Jesus said, “It is better to give than to receive.” But, again He said, “Give and you shall receive.”
Most people tend to come into marriage this way। They come in hungry only looking to see what’s good for them to eat. When they think about marriage, they only think about what they want their spouse to bring to the table. They think about what would “make me happy.” “What would please me?” “I want a husband who…” “I want a wife that…” “If my husband would only…” “If my wife would just…” Obviously, if you are only thinking about having your own appetite satisfied, then ultimately, no one will be truly fed. When ever I ask young couples what they want out of marriage, they always tell me what they expect their spouses to do. I always ask them what they expect to bring to the table. What do they plan to serve their spouses? You want a happy marriage? What are you going to do to make it that way? Pot luck principal: If everybody brings something to the table, then everybody eats. You have to go into marriage expecting to feed the other person.
As in a pot luck meal, everybody can’t cook as well as others. It takes time to learn how to prepare a proper meal. It also takes a desire to learn how to cook. Sometimes, you will be the only one doing the cooking. Sometimes your spouse will. That’s life. But, it all balances out over time. The thing is, just as in a pot luck meal, marriage is about giving your best. Bring something to the table.
A rose is a beautiful flower. It looks good to the eye. It feels good to the touch. It smells good to the nostrils. But, a rose is fragile. If you don’t water it just enough, it withers. If it doesn’t get enough sunshine, it withers. If the soil is not just right, it withers. It takes a lot of time and energy to keep a beautiful rose garden. But, in the end, the result is worth it. The same can be said for a beautiful marriage. The time and energy put into it is worth the results.
Another view of this pampering of the rose is found in comparing its fragile nature to a weed। A weed doesn’t need watering or just the right amount of sunshine or even the proper soil. It keeps growing no matter what you do to it or what you don’t do for it. You can dig it up…It comes back. You can poison it…It comes back. You can step on it…It comes back. A weed doesn’t give up. It refuses to die. Sometimes I think we need more “weed” marriages and fewer rose marriages. In most marriages today, like the rose, we are ready to give up at the slightest provocation. One of the silliest reasons is the “We have grown apart” excuse. Be like a weed, fight for your relationship!!! Weeds don’t give up. Like a rose, a marriage is fragile, beautiful and precious. Like a weed, it also has to be tough and unyielding to defeat.
A rose is beautiful. If you reach out to the top of it, you touch a beautiful, fragrant flower…A joy to the touch, the eye and the smell. But, if you reach just a little lower, you grab a hand full of thorns. That’s the way it is in marriages. If you reach for the highest point in each other, you touch the beauty. But, if you reach lower, again, you grab a hand full of thorns. The only way to reach the highest point in your spouse is to give the highest point in yourself. As Jesus said, “It is better to give than to receive.” But, again He said, “Give and you shall receive.”
Friday, April 13, 2007
A Tale Of Three Men
When it comes to male/female relationships, there are basically three kinds of men. They are: The Don Juan; the Casanova; and the Romeo.
The Don Juan is a man who easily gets women; they are very attracted to him initially. He is smooth in his style, extremely charismatic. But, the thing is, he hates women and his only desire is to misuse them. He is a sociopath. He has no conscience when it comes to mistreating women. He is completely self-centered. Women can sense the danger in him, but, they usually think that he "wouldn't do that to me." He will. "He will change." He won't. "I can change him." She can't. So, women are usually left feeling cheapened and hurt after an experience with Don Juan. I am not saying that it is impossible for Don Juan to change. I am saying that no one can change him unless he wants to be changed. If he does want to change, then through the grace of God…
The Casanova loves women. That's his thing. He loves WOMEN. Not one woman. He will make you feel like the most loved woman in the world…when he is with you. Then it's on to the next bed and she becomes "the most loved woman in the world." He is fun, kind and loving. But, he is not true or faithful. As a bee transports it pollen from plant to plant, Casanova transports his seed from bed to bed. Whereas Don Juan only finds pleasure in hurting women, Casanova truly finds pleasure in pleasing women. His concern for the woman he is with at the moment is real…at the moment. He will sing, cry, dance, beg or do whatever it takes to let the woman of the moment know that he is into her…at the moment. He usually likes married women so that he doesn't have to pretend to want any long term monogamous commitment. He is only monogamous until he gets out of her bed. While sexually satisfied at the moment, women are usually left feeling unfulfilled and empty. But, like I said he does love WOMEN.
The Don Juan hates women. The Casanova loves WOMEN. The Romeo is a man who loves one woman and spends his life with her making her truly the most loved woman in the world. Yes, Romeo is a one woman man. He will give his all into the relationship. His desire is to have a woman that he can grow old with while learning to love her as deeply as possible and receiving and honoring the love she has for him. He longs to share that ever deepening love that only comes with shared time. He can see the beauty in other women. But, his desire is only for his wife. He can appreciate other women's personalities and such. But, his desire is only for his wife. Monogamy is not a question for him, it is a privilege. After a lifetime of sharing love and romance; of desiring and lusting for one another; of growing together in oneness; of overcoming obstacles, if Romeo dies first, his wife is usually left with a feeling of being blessed for having been in such a relationship.
Of course, these are broad generalizations of men. Men, like women, are much more complex. But, I shared this thought with my daughter so that she can at least be aware of the tendencies of a man that she might be interested in. Again, this is not the end-all/know-all definition of all men. These are just some of the thoughts and observations of an old gray bearded Romeo.
The Don Juan is a man who easily gets women; they are very attracted to him initially. He is smooth in his style, extremely charismatic. But, the thing is, he hates women and his only desire is to misuse them. He is a sociopath. He has no conscience when it comes to mistreating women. He is completely self-centered. Women can sense the danger in him, but, they usually think that he "wouldn't do that to me." He will. "He will change." He won't. "I can change him." She can't. So, women are usually left feeling cheapened and hurt after an experience with Don Juan. I am not saying that it is impossible for Don Juan to change. I am saying that no one can change him unless he wants to be changed. If he does want to change, then through the grace of God…
The Casanova loves women. That's his thing. He loves WOMEN. Not one woman. He will make you feel like the most loved woman in the world…when he is with you. Then it's on to the next bed and she becomes "the most loved woman in the world." He is fun, kind and loving. But, he is not true or faithful. As a bee transports it pollen from plant to plant, Casanova transports his seed from bed to bed. Whereas Don Juan only finds pleasure in hurting women, Casanova truly finds pleasure in pleasing women. His concern for the woman he is with at the moment is real…at the moment. He will sing, cry, dance, beg or do whatever it takes to let the woman of the moment know that he is into her…at the moment. He usually likes married women so that he doesn't have to pretend to want any long term monogamous commitment. He is only monogamous until he gets out of her bed. While sexually satisfied at the moment, women are usually left feeling unfulfilled and empty. But, like I said he does love WOMEN.
The Don Juan hates women. The Casanova loves WOMEN. The Romeo is a man who loves one woman and spends his life with her making her truly the most loved woman in the world. Yes, Romeo is a one woman man. He will give his all into the relationship. His desire is to have a woman that he can grow old with while learning to love her as deeply as possible and receiving and honoring the love she has for him. He longs to share that ever deepening love that only comes with shared time. He can see the beauty in other women. But, his desire is only for his wife. He can appreciate other women's personalities and such. But, his desire is only for his wife. Monogamy is not a question for him, it is a privilege. After a lifetime of sharing love and romance; of desiring and lusting for one another; of growing together in oneness; of overcoming obstacles, if Romeo dies first, his wife is usually left with a feeling of being blessed for having been in such a relationship.
Of course, these are broad generalizations of men. Men, like women, are much more complex. But, I shared this thought with my daughter so that she can at least be aware of the tendencies of a man that she might be interested in. Again, this is not the end-all/know-all definition of all men. These are just some of the thoughts and observations of an old gray bearded Romeo.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Wrong Question
The Wrong Question (Particularly for a man to ask)
"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."(Eph. 5:22-24).
I know some church brothers who are really cool in every aspect of their Christianity except when it comes to this passage. They seem to totally lose their minds. I have told my daughter many times to always ask a brother how he interprets this scripture before she gets serious about him. Over the years, I've lost count of how many brothers have come up to me and asked, "Brother Perkins, how can I get my wife to submit to me?" Every time I hear that question, I feel like getting a two block running start and smacking that brother into the middle of next week. But, I don't. I know that the Lord would want me to give him an answer. So I ask the brother where he got the idea that his wife was supposed to submit to him. Funny thing: Brothers who may not even know John 3:16 seem to know Eph. 5:22. So, the brother dazzles me with his scriptural adeptness. He quotes it as if he had written it himself. After which I ask him what the commandment is in the passage. He comes back with the fact that it is telling his wife to submit to him. I ask him whom the passage is directed to. He correctly points out that it is definitely directed to the wife. I ask him if he sees any place in the passage that says "Husbands, get your wife to submit to you”; or "Husbands, make your wife submit to you”; or "Husbands, trick your wife into submitting to you, force your wife to submit to you, buy your wife's submission", or anything of the sort. He thinks for a moment and comes to the conclusion, "NO" on all accounts. Then, I ask him if he's ever seen any place in the Bible from Genesis to Revelations that tells the husband to do any of that stuff. Again, "NO." I ask him, "If the scripture is not addressed to you and you can't find any place in the Bible that tells you to make or to get your wife to submit, then why are you asking that question?" Blank stare, silence. So, I give him the Bible and tell him to find the passage in Eph. 5 that really is addressed to him. "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her."(Eph. 5:25).
Let's look at a few ways that Jesus showed love for the church. First of all, He showed His followers how to be submitted to the Father by being totally submitted Himself. "For I have come down from Heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him who sent Me."(John 6:38) Are you, as a husband and leader of your home showing your wife an example of your total submission to the Father? Can she see your love for Him? Can she see your desire to obey Him? To serve Him? Start strengthening your relationship with the Lord. That is always the first thing a Christian husband should be about.
Jesus was a leader. The Word tells husbands to be leaders. Leaders...Not BOSSES!!! Jesus defined leadership as service. "But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, 'You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve; and to give His life as a ransom to many'."(Mk. 10:42-45).
How are you serving your wife? How can you serve her better? When is the last time you washed her feet? Do you make her feel special? We know from many scriptures that the disciples became better people under Jesus' leadership. He saw talents in them that they did not know they had. He helped them to discover and develop those talents. He built up their confidence. He established an atmosphere of growth. Has your wife become a better person under your leadership? If not, why not? Have you discovered hidden talents in her and encouraged her to develop them? Is she a more confident person being married to you than she was before she married you? Have you established an atmosphere of growth in your home so that she feels comfortable expressing herself knowing that you won't ridicule her if she makes a mistake? What kind of a leader are you, my brother? These are just a few things you should be considering. There are many more. Get into the Word and find them.
The subject of your wife's submission to you really should never come up in your conversation. You should be too busy talking about what the Lord has told you to do. Yes, my brother, you have many questions to ask. But, "How do I get my wife to submit?" is not one of them.
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